Speaking of George Duran... Isn't he adorable?
I occasionally imagine how I would counsel married couples if I were the star of a reality show called, “Better Off Dead?” Never mind that I have no ambitions to ever be on a reality show and never mind that the energy of George Duran I do not possess. It’s just something that I imagine, okay. It’s right up there with my acceptance speech for winning the Pulitzer and the various jokes I’ll deliver when Jon Stewart begs me to be a guest on the Daily Show.
Anyway, I imagine myself waltzing into a big suburban house, much like the Super Nanny does. I talk to the husband and wife separately and then together. I ask them to each suggest one change they’d like to see in their relationship. But, first, I create some ground rules.
- The talker has to get to the point within two minutes, at which point a buzzer will sound.
- Anyone who curses, name calls, yells, talks down, eye rolls, interrupts, turns on the TV, or morphs into a hard, cold impenetrable statue must drop trou, lie over the other’s legs and submit to a spanking.
- The talker states a problem. Then the listener must solve it. Switch roles. Repeat.
- The talker must state the problem without blaming the listener. In other words, “I really wish we had sex more often” instead of “I hate that you are such a prude about sex.”
- The talker is only allowed to bring up one problem.
- The talker and listener must touch each other as the talker states the problem. For instance, the talker might have her hand on his thigh. Or they might be sitting side to side on the couch with his arm around her. That said, they do not have to make eye contact.
Then, we practice. I always let the wife go first because, it seems, wives are generally way more angry, resentful and unhappily married than their husbands. As she talks, I serve as the referee, yelling out calls like:
- He turned on the TV. Spank him. Now!
- Time’s almost up. Stop talking about your feelings and tell him about the problem you want him to solve!
- Blaming! Re-phrase that sentence!
- That’s two problems. Stop! Only one problem at a time!
Don’t you think that would make for an interesting show? Way better than Jersey Shore, right? And although my tactics might seem, well, OUT THERE, I kind of think that they would work. What do you think?
Check out this USA Today story about better investments than engagement rings. It’s a beautifully written, thought-provoking piece. More important, the writer interviewed and quoted yours truly.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Good show idea!!! I think that the touching is key! Even though the couple doesn’t have to have eye contact, the touching shows that they are there together.
Love the USA Today story. The whole wedding culture is a mystery to me. Will anyone care if the bridesmaid’s shoes match the napkins? Having said that, I’m not the world’s biggest romantic.
.-= Frugal Kiwi´s last undefined ..Response cached until Thu 11 @ 18:17 GMT (Refreshes in 23.97 Hours) =-.
So funny, Alisa. So funny, in fact, that I will eagerly wait for your appearance on the Daily Show – I know you’ll be on it sooner or later
“I always let the wife go first because, it seems, wives are generally way more angry, resentful and unhappily married than their husbands.”
Any idea why this is so?
Lisa–I think we have higher expectations. Most men I talk to have just two requirements to be happy in a relationship: 1) regular sex 2) being left alone to do whatever they want (in other words, not be hen pecked). Most women want a lot more than that. Of course, there are exceptions to both sides. I also think that even though we are approaching that thing known as the egalitarian marriage, we’re still light years away from it, and women generally get the shorter end of the stick. Most men admit as much whenever their wives are out of town and they have to deal with 100 percent of the housework and parenting. Suddenly they are like, “Holy crap, so THAT’s what she does all day long.”
I think this sounds like a great idea! I can’t say I’m a fan of “reality” shows, but this could be good. Two minutes, one point–no interrupting, yelling, eye-rolling, etc….that’s just a good idea in real life–no just for TV. This is a cool post, Alisa, have a great week!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
If you gave this method a slick name, it could become a legitimate approach to couples counseling. A lot of counselors wish they could do just what you suggest/fantasize. However, the spanking part would be a tough sell to ethics boards. Seriously, it is important to be more practical about communication and behavior change. I like your spirit.
You should hang up a shingle and start doing marriage counseling. My hubby and I take turns talking – the one talking holds an item in their hand and the listener cannot interrupt while item is being held by the talker. But we could really use a referee. How much do you charge for an hour, Alisa?
Kathy–I’ve been trying to think up a good title for myself since I can’t use marriage counselor or therapist, as neither are accurate. And I don’t like marriage coach for reasons I don’t even understand. But Marriage Ref. Like. Like. Like.
Hum. Let me think on the hourly rate and the method of delivery (for those who are not geographically close).
BTW: LOVE the talking stick idea. I’ll have to add that to the rules.
Alisa,
You don’t like “marriage coach” because it just sounds wrong. LOL!!! You’re not “coaching” couples. Marriage Referee is good. Because that’s exactly what you described above – refereeing. Now you’ll need to get flags or whatever they use in sports to toss into the “ring” when one spouse breaks the rules. You’ll also need to figure out penalty points and additional penalties beyond the spanking. LOL!!!
My girlfriend/mommy person “charges” $250 an hour. Just kidding. But when my hubby and I were visiting her and she sat us down to talk, we joked about sending her a $250 check for the hour she worked with us. She wouldn’t cash the check – she would frame it and hang it in her office (she’s an accountant). But it would have been worth her cashing the check, because it was the best help we’d ever gotten.
you rock.i think you should pitch this as a reality show!
I LOVE the idea! Marriage Referee is a great title
I would so watch that! And then there can be some sort of tangible award at the end? Maybe the two can go out to dinner at the end or instead have a “where are they now” segment at the end of the show!
I love it! Sign me up when the reality talk show producers come calling!
.-= Allison´s last blog ..Decorated Votive =-.
I’m still wondering how you are feeling and if you’re over your infection.
.-= SueB´s last blog ..No Frills =-.
Alisa,
Witty and insightful, of course. During sweeps weeks, we should up the game a bit.
What if the angry person got three wishes and the other person HAD to do, think or act in ONE of the the manners desired for 1 day or 1 week. The audience would vote on one of the three behaviors (Earning millions more revenue for the show) and the couple would have to not just HEAR about what their partner wants, but experience it! The only rules would be nothing illegal. Other than that…everything goes.
Alisa,
I have suscribed to your blog for probably close to a year now and this is my first time commenting. I LOVED this blog and would LOVE to be your first client! Let the spanking commence!
Fabulous idea and I think you should wear a black and white striped shirt and throw out a flag when there is a foul. And…could there be instant reply? Sometimes we need to see how silly we are…… : )
Alisa Bowman, Marriage Referee
I just thought you might like to see it in writing. I’m pretty sure you should add this to your “About Alisa” tab.
Sue–Thanks for asking. I’m still on antibiotics and am basically better from the UTI, but then, last night, I came down with the stomach flu. So I was up all night throwing up and now feel horrid. I guess the positive side of the stomach flu is that it doesn’t last very long. And my 5 year old was a wonderful nurse this morning, bringing me Gatorade and putting “get well” pokemon stickers all over me.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read =-.
Okay – that’s my favorite post you’ve ever written. I think. It’s hard to choose.
I hate TV and I really hate reality TV. But I would watch and LOVE this show. I say YES – let’s make it happen. I think I know someone…
.-= Julie Roads´s last blog ..At the intersection of Heartbreak Street and Internet Avenue =-.
Fabulous idea! It sounds like much of the advice that I’ve read in my most recent favorite marriage advice books Couple Skills and The Communication Miracle. We have shows that tell you how train your dog, how to install the kitchen sink, but we need one to help us focus on our relationships! Maybe that would help reduce the divorce rate by really showing what marriage is all about & how you go about fixing things before giving up. WE TV has a wedding channel in the works. It would be great to get a show on TV focusing on the marriage rather than just the wedding day. This leads me to wonder how many bridezillas are still married to their husbands… ?
i would watch your show religiously!! Many of us need a marriage referee….
Have you seen the new tv promos for a show called…the Marriage Ref (no joke!) I’ll bet yours would be 100 times better!
Sorry, Alisa. I probably wouldn’t watch that show. I’m more of a crime drama type. I would watch the sitcom about your blog though.
Great job on the article. I hope it brought you more readers.
I really like Doug’s twist on the show. Our last marriage counsler had a format similar to your marriage ref rules (minus the spanking). DH said all the right things during the sessions but would refuse to change at home. So nothing really was gained, except I learned not to trust what he said. But having to actually DO something with the nation as a witness could be the selling point. I would totally sign us up for it!
This is my first visit to your blog and I have to say, I’d watch your show…..so would most of the world! Great post
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Monday’s Wonderful Recycled Finds =-.
You’re such a funny, disarming writer and yet everything you say is so right on!! I think you do need a show:)
Congrats on the USA Today mention!
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Love the idea, I would watch.
So, you cant have therapist or counselor…
How about Ringleader?
(double meaning intended)
Hey… There is a show about to start. I’ve seen commercials for it with Alec Baldwin & Jerry Seinfeld. It is indeed called “The Marriage Ref”, and looks like just what is being described here.
Alisa, did u have a hand it in, or have the producers been surfing your blog?
Wifey (and a few others): Yeah, I learned about that show right after writing this post. I don’t think they copied. Just one of those odd universe things. Definitely going to check it out.
How about Marriage Moderator?
Still love the blog and love your idea!
I’ve implemented many,many of your suggestions and they work wonderfully.My husband may not love everything I’ve implemented or followed through with but he will admit that our relationship is much stronger, better and more relaxed.
We both can be very emotional and passionate about issues so if we came to you as our Marriage Ref. we’d probably both be going back and forth over each other’s laps!
But if a great marriage is the outcome then a sore bottom temporarily is worht it.
Lol, that was a really funny post. I read at another marriage advice blog about holding hands as a couple when you’re having a disagreement. Well lets see am not married but have a steady boyfriend am yet to try this hand holding tactic. (He’ll first think I’ve finally lost it lol) Then again knowing me by the time we are having this discussion am already at 100 boiling point lol
Your idea of this being a show is really a great idea. The women would obviously be the most offenders no doubt (rolling eyes, exceeding the allotted time lol and the list is endless…)