Please Help Me Help Myself
People who know me well generally use one word to describe me and it’s this: generous. If nothing else, I am a person who helps others. I’ve done it my whole life. I believe my generosity may very well have been an inborn trait. I see someone in pain, I help that person.
But I’m terrible at doing something that is equally important. It’s this: asking for help when I am in pain. Sometimes I wonder if these two qualities go together like macaroni and cheese: helpers don’t ask for help. Askers don’t help. I don’t know. It’s just something I wonder.
But I can tell you this: my inability to ask for help has become a problem to such a degree that I’m at the point that I should find and enroll in a “Can’t Ask For Help If My Life Depended On It” 12-step program. Heck, maybe I’ll found such a program.
Case in point: This past weekend, while away at the Blissdom Blogging Conference in Nashville, I stared peeing blood. This whole blood peeing thing started on Friday, the first day of the conference. Did I tell anyone about it? No. Did I ask for help? No.
And I was far from alone there in Nashville. I had many friends close by who I could have leaned on. One, a fellow blogger, had rented a car. I’m sure, if I’d asked, she would have gladly driven me to see a doctor. Another was a fellow freelance writer who lived quite close to the hotel—so close that I suggested she impersonate me so she could gain free access to the hotel pool.
But when I saw blood in the toilet, I didn’t think to reach out to these women. Instead, I thought one thing and it was this: “I hope I can ignore this little problem until I get home.”
I couldn’t. By Sunday morning I had intense back pain—pain so severe that it woke me at 6 a.m. I knew I needed to see a doctor. Because it was a Sunday, I needed to see one in the ER.
I could have called my freelance friend and asked her to drive me. I didn’t. I took a cab. The cabbie didn’t know where the nearest hospital was, so I GPSed it on my phone and read the directions to him. The ride cost me $20. I asked the cabbie for his card, so I could call him to pick me up once I was released.
Now, there’s one thing I do need to state right here at this point in the story. If you are going to start peeing blood on a Sunday when you are away from home, you want to start peeing blood in Nashville. Compared to the Northeast Coast, the folks in Nashville are so darn pleasant and polite that one could have Ebola and still feel a great deal of comfort and inner peace. And, you must know, I am a catastrophic thinker. Despite the fact that I’d googled “blood in urine” and had discovered that the most likely cause was a urinary tract infection, I walked into the ER completely convinced that I kidney cancer. Indeed, my catastrophic mind was already planning how I would get through the rest of my life on dialysis. I was even thinking about how, just a year before, I’d thought about donating one of my kidneys to someone who probably needed it more than I did. (See? Giving, aren’t I?) But I’d decided to hold off until my daughter was older. Now, I would be the person in need of a kidney. But I would never get one, of course, because I would never be able to bring myself to ask.
The waiting room at Skyline Medical Center was empty. Within 30 seconds, the triage nurse was going over my vitals. Within minutes, I was in a bed with a nice, Southern doctor by my side. I commented about the empty waiting room. My polite doctor informed me that Skyline Medical Center’s ER had a policy to never ever have someone sitting in the ER waiting room.
Can you imagine a hospital in the North East with such a policy? Neither can I. It’s in the ER waiting rooms in the North East coast where people die and no one notices until the next day.
Within 1.5 hours, I’d had a CT scan and I’d peed in a cup and had my urine thoroughly analyzed. I was told that I did not have cancer (Phew!) and was not passing a kidney stone. I did, however, have a raging UTI.
My doctor prescribed an antibiotic and a painkiller for my back. I mentioned that I had crappy health insurance. The hospital offered me a 20 second discount. Again, can you imagine that happening anywhere else? Neither can I.
I called a cab to drive me back to the hotel. I accidentally called the wrong cabbie. He had no living idea who I was or where Skyline Medical Center was, either. I kept saying, “Can you come pick me up at Skyline Medical Center?” and he kept saying, “I don’t know you. You are not my fare.” I hung up, dug through my purse, found the correct number, and 15 minutes and another $20 later was back at the hotel.
Again I thought about calling my freelance friend. I didn’t. I asked the hotel to get me a shuttle to take me to the nearest pharmacy to fill my prescriptions. This next little trip ran me $30, plus the cost of my medicine.
Some time later, my freelance friend called. She’d just had a wonderful time at the spa and wanted to know if I wanted to get together. We met, and I told her my whole, long saga, to which she replied, “You should have called me. I would have driven you to the hospital and the pharmacy.”
I said, “I know. I should have.”
I’d love to say that this issue with me not asking for help doesn’t affect my life very often, but that would be a lie. For instance, right now I’m attempting to accomplish many really cool and exciting things with my career. There are many people who could help me accomplish these things. But I can’t seem to bring myself to ask.
So dear readers, this is where you come in. I’m doing something amazing today. I’m asking for help, and I’m asking it of you. Please help me get over this fear. How can I become less scared to ask for help? Do you have any advice? What should I do?
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February 8th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Baby steps. Take one thing in your life where you could use someone’s help and ask. Just go slow. Most people are glad to help – since you are a generous person, you already know that.
February 8th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
First of all, PLEASE get to the hospital sooner next time….I know it sucks, I despise going, but you’re very lucky this was nothing too serious. You have a family–I don’t know why us women (myself included) always put ourselves/health LAST. It really makes NO sense at all, like, how the heck can be ANY good to anyone if we’re not healthy and okay ourselves. I didn’t go the hospital a few weeks ago when I should have and let me tell you, my husband (and my mother) ripped me a new one. And I deserved it. Please go the doctor/hospital when necessary, it really is better to be safe than sorry. It’s much easier to prevent or catch something early than to fix it later on–when it may not be fixable at all. You know my story, so please, take it from one who knows. Okay, I’m getting off my soapbox now.
Secondly, I’ve been to Nashville and it is, without a doubt, one of the most lovely places I’ve ever been with kind and gracious people. There really is a hospitality in the South that you just don’t find anywhere else. I don’t what it is, but I’m thankful for it. They’re just the sweetest people!
Thirdly, CAB Fares, I know. I was unable to rent a car and was 18 when I went to Nashville, just the cab fares alone cost me $672–granted, I went all over town and to EVERY possible “known” place there was. As a life long country music fan I HAD to see it ALL–but I paid for it. It was worth it, but I’m just saying I know what you mean about exhorbitant cab fares.
Now, as for your question. I have trouble asking for help too, not because I don’t want to ask, but because I want to be “independent” and prove to myself that I CAN do it (whatever it may be) I often don’t ask when I need to. I think asking for help is a sign of strength, not of weakness, but it’s hard to get that through to my head.
I think the pressure of having the perfect everything–marriage, career, kids, jobs, house, etc–adds to our inability or unwillingness to ask for help. We don’t want to be perceived as “less,” or God for bid, “help-less.”
I think the best way to face your fears, ask for help, get to the hospital sooner, reach out to a good friend when you need them (that is what friends are for, afterall), etc, is to just DO IT. I wish I had some grand mantra or bigger pearl of wisdom, but the truth is, just do it! Ask for help, be honest about the difficulty you’re facing (whatever it may be), and gladly ACCEPT the help when it arrives.
I think people wanting to help you is a good thing and it’s good Karma–you’ve helped them, so now they can help you.
I know you’re still doing your Karma project and so I would ask you to think about it in terms of that; since YOU have helped everyone throughout your life and HAVE been so generous to others, isn’t it about time that the favor/help is returned to you? I think so.
I think a big part of accepting help is believing that you deserve it, and being proud of the fact that you’re NOT perfect.
Now, as for the hospital in Nashville, darn, no I can’t imagine a hospital like that on the East Coast, or West Coast (where I live) or anywhere. That is just awesome–truly awesome–an empty waiting room, patient doctors, attentive care AND a 20% Discount….the stars definitely aligned for you, Miss Alisa!
I hope you’re feeling better and that you don’t have a scare like that again. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
February 8th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
I know for myself, this is a control issue. It helps me if I prioritize the things that I “can” ask for help with and things I “should” ask for help with.
Angelia´s last blog ..Drowning Anna, Book 5 of Christie and Angie’s Literature and Blogging Project.
February 8th, 2010 at 6:34 pm
I don’t know that I have a hard time asking for help because thinking back, I don’t feel like I’ve had many situations that I’ve had to ask for help… but maybe I just didn’t ask for help? Who knows. Either way, I too am someone who always wants to help. I hear about a friend having a problem, I want to give advice/go be with that friend/etc. I hear about an exciting event (baby, engagement), I want to go celebrate. I think, sometimes, I can find middle ground with it though. I tend to take the stance too of “why won’t someone offer to help me?” Selfish in a way, I know. I expect people to just know when I want help because, well, if they loved me…
That being said, I’m glad you were able to get to see a doctor, even if you waited and did it all by yourself. Next time, though, just pick up the phone and ask. It’s hard to do, but I agree, that’s probably the best way to get out of your inability to ask for help.
On another note… I LOVE Nashville! We went last summer for a few days and I could’ve spent the whole week on Broadway just walking up and down the street, listening to the live music.
February 8th, 2010 at 8:12 pm
Alisa, move into my house. LOL!!! My hubby has gotten me over my “fear” of asking for help. Like you, I can help a complete stranger in need of help. Years ago I couldn’t even ask my hubby to make me food when I was sick.
I don’t know if I’ve always been this way or if I stopped asking for help after caring for my mother when she was dying.
I now ask for help. And the nice thing is, I’ve met women recently that are willing to help. I had surgery a week ago, I’ve got several women friends offering to come help me. Fortunately, hubby got me thru my two day recovery and I don’t need any help.
Next week I’m have a female procedure done and again, I’ve got women offering to come over and help me. Guess what I did – I got the number from one gal who used to work in an OB/GYN’s office and will know how to deal with me on pain medication, if I should need help.
It just takes asking for help. And a word of advice – ask someone that truly will help you the way you need help. (I had women friends help me pack to move, but since they were prior military wives they thought they knew more than me about what I needed/wanted packed. Not so helpful when you’re unpacking stuff you still need out.)
Bummer about the UTI. I used to get those all the time – I’m surprised you lasted till Sunday. Mine always hurt so badly, I couldn’t stand it. And future reference – take some Vitamin C and Cranberry tablets – usually can knock a UTI out in a matter of hours if you catch it early enough.
February 8th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
Hang out with me? I’m really, really, really good at asking for help and getting exactly what I need, want and desire. I’m seriously talented in this area. It might come from being the only daughter and the only granddaughter and therefore being raised as a princess and having it drilled into my head that I deserved it all. Yes, this left me with a whole other host of issues.
Can I tell you how many ER waiting rooms I’ve sat in crying in agony from kidney stones? A LOT. I’m so insanely impressed with your experience. You didn’t ask for help, but in that case, let me tell you that you got some.
Oh, and if I had been there and found out you hadn’t asked me for help. I would have smacked you upside the head.
That said. I love you and I’m so glad you’re okay.
Julie Roads´s last blog ..If only my brain were pregnant.
February 8th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
I agree with SueB! Find a comfortable place to start.
While living on the fourth floor of an elevator-less dormatory, I had the good fortune of breaking my ankle TWICE. Stubborn and independent, I would grocery shop alone, driving a little scooter around the store. I would then balance the weight and make the trip up the stairs. People would offer to help. I said no. Finally, a man with conviction came and grabbed my bags, carried them to my dorm room, and just walked away. That was my moment. He was obviously frustrated with me. I was embarassed.
The next week, I called a good friend and asked if I could go shopping with her. I didn’t have to drive the scooter, she had a cart. She carried things upstairs for me. It wasn’t as awkward as I feared it would be.
If you ask others for help, they will feel more comfortable asking for your help when they need it. I expect the people in my life to ask for help when they need it. Now my friends have learned to expect the same from me.
February 8th, 2010 at 11:34 pm
delegate. “you there: do this”
then work on wording.”You there: Help me do this”
and finally… “you there: please help me do this.”
and I’m near Nashville – i would have driven you to the pharmacy and ER too if it wouldn’t have been very strange and awkward in an internet stalker kind of way.
February 8th, 2010 at 11:35 pm
I can NOT believe you did not mention it, I would have dropped EVERYTHING to help you, even changed to a later flight or something!!!!!! Having that, I too am a helper who cannot ask for help for herself, so you and I are in the same DAMN boat, I am going have to take your commenters advice myself!
Andi´s last blog ..A Seven Hour Voyage for Beef Fajitas
February 8th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
I view as asking for others to help me as an opportunity for them to beef up their good karma. If I don’t ask them, they have one less chance to make the world and themselves better. A little deep, I know. But really, it works!
February 9th, 2010 at 1:17 am
I wonder if this is a “country mouse/city mouse” thing? My husband, who grew up in the country, has no problem phoning people for rides to the airport (and we’re an hour away!), to move heavy things, whatever…he also drops in on people unannounced, and thinks this is fine too. These things make me cringe! I always think the person I ask would be rolling their eyes and wishing I hadn’t called. I think country people are used to relying on each other more, whereas city people are more insulated. Also, you’re right, “takers” seem to do a lot of taking sometimes, we all have friends like this, and no one wants to be like this. I know it’s silly, but I probably would have done what you did…I guess this isn’t advice, more like commiseration!
February 9th, 2010 at 7:13 am
I’m a giver who has learned to ask for help. Let me tell you – it’s wonderful. The humility that you find in asking for help creates a real connection with your loved ones – you won’t find that out until you do, but trust me, it’s absolutely worth it. Sure, I had to give up my “I’m a big girl I can do it all on my own” attitude, and it was a real identity shift I can assure you. But it has made me a better person… Perhaps to get started, you could think about how good you feel when you get to help someone you love. Wouldn’t you want to return the favor? Can you put yourself in their shoes and see how great it would make them feel to help YOU out? You’re really just doing it for them, to help them feel good… even if we all know you can do it on your own. Try that for awhile
February 9th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Andi–I know! I know you would have! You know, I do believe that part of the solution is admitting that one has a problem. And also really seeing how not doing anything about it affects me–and that doing something about it can actually not only improve my life, but bring me closer to others. Think of the adventure we all could have had together if only I’d just said something. Love you!
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Life is a Struggle, a Wonderful Struggle
February 9th, 2010 at 9:41 am
Marissa–I know you are not a stalker! It would have been great to meet you in person!
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Life is a Struggle, a Wonderful Struggle
February 9th, 2010 at 10:55 am
Generosity of spirit should be contagious, infect everyone!
Think about how giving and generosity makes you feel. By asking someone for help you actually give them a gift. The internal joy of helping someone is priceless. It is the inner hero in all of us that should be ‘let loose on the world’. By not asking for help you are being the exact opposite of generous.
At least that is what I tell myself when I refuse to ask for help.
February 10th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Can you not ask for help because you need to be in control? or maybe you’re afraid someone might say no? or some other reason?
I personally am a very controlling person, at work and at home. It is very hard to let go of certain things and let others do them instead. I still don’t let my husband use the vacuum or load the dishwasher! But I do let him do his own laundry, put the dishes away, and dress our daughter. These things sound very minor to other people, but it took quite awhile for me to realize that I can’t do everything and still be happy. Ask for help from those closest to you first, because you trust them and fell confident in their ablility to help you!
February 15th, 2010 at 3:11 am
A 20 second discount? What was that in dollars?
You do not cease to amaze me with how blatantly transparent you are. I love it. Your life is a sitcom in blog form.
It seems to me the best way to overcome a fear is to face it. When you think about how you could be helped in a situation, follow your thoughts all the way to the point at which they become words.
February 15th, 2010 at 7:10 am
OneHotTamale–Whoops–that’s a mistype. Odd no one else noticed. It was a 20 percent discount.
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read
March 12th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Reading this makes me feel so incredibly frustrated! First, I used to have the same problem. Being a guy, we never, & I do mean NEVER ask for help, especially if it’s a guy type thing like moving something heavy, for example. I got over this the hard way. One day when moving something heavy I didn’t ask for help & ended up with two ruptured discs in my back. No biggie, I thought, a simple minor surgical procedure would take care of it. The problem was that minor procedure led to a staph infection that wasn’t found for 2 months. By the time they caught it there was so much damage I can no longer work, ever again. My life has been turned into a medical & legal horror story all because I didn’t ask for help when I knew I should have.
Now I have the opposite problem, getting the help I’ve asked for. It seems when someone is in my position, not making much money & not in good enough physical condition to be worth much in that way, nobody wants anything to do with you. It feels like I’m seen as more trouble than I’m worth to almost everyone. If they help me it’s unlikely I’d be able to return the favor & it won’t get their picture in the paper so most often when I ask, even from people who put themselves out there as loving to help others, I get totally ignored. To make matters worse, the numbers of those who enjoy kicking people when they’re down have flourished. I seem to have no problem finding this at all & most often it even seeks me out. It’s like living has turned into running a gauntlet of those who seek to do me harm in any way they can, even though I take every possible step I can think of to avoid potential problems. It’s almost as if I’ve been cursed for doing nothing more than trying to be good to others.
So I hope this helps you recognize two things. 1. Not asking for help can lead to disaster in ways you won’t even consider until it’s too late & the damage is done. Had I known what not asking the other guys who were right there & fully capable of helping would lead to, I wouldn’t have just asked, I’d have demanded they help. 2. With there being people in the world such as myself, deserving & asking yet still unable to obtain help, it’s downright sinful to be able to get the help you need & refuse to ask.