Comments on: Marriage Improvement Monday

By: Dave from VA

Dave from VA — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 12:58:10 +0000

This message is for Amy. I am 44 years old and a married veteran with 23 years under my belt…I am no expert…but I have some experience and I can give you a husbands perspective. Amy…let me just say that I truly feel for you. I know it must be hard right now for you….but keep moving forward. Life’s problems usually come clustered together and having marital issues coupled by a parent dying only amplifies this issues….and it is no picnic. What I can say to you is that….I would recommend that you not make any life altering decisions like getting a divorce. I heard once that the difference between adult children and their parents lives…is about a 5% difference! Not much change huh? It seems that you and your husband obviously have different points of view on the matter of marriage…so what i would suggest is that rather than delving into a divorce…you see a counselor. Now that could be a Pastor, Priest, or a professional counselor….whomever you choose is up to you and your husband. This is a long and lengthy processes…especially since you come from different life backgrounds…so take your time and get it right. Remember this…you can not gauge your life by how your family lived their lives….you and your husband make up a new family…and it would be best that after investing 10 years and having a child…it is best to give it a try.

By: Alisa Bowman

Alisa Bowman — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 01:42:29 +0000

Amy–also, I’m sorry to hear about your father. Hang in there. Grief is hard.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read =-.

By: Alisa Bowman

Alisa Bowman — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 01:41:24 +0000

Amy in MN: Yes, the breathing doesn’t fix your spouse or your marriage, it just helps you get in a frame of mind where you can talk about it without retaliating. It’s hard for me to give specific advice because I don’t know your entire situation, but if my husband started using that nickname on me, I would say, “Please don’t call me that. It hurts.” I’ve found the “it hurts” goes a long way with him. Most of the time, whenever he’s said something that I interpreted as nasty or cold, he didn’t even think he was being nasty. So I had to train him to understand when I found things hurtful, because he seemed to have no natural gauge. I’ve found that certain groups of men pal around and say sarcastic things like that to each other and it’s all part of the fun (supposedly). Then they try the same behavior on their wives and they are met with the fuzzy eyeball and they can’t figure out what they said that was so offensive–because it makes their guy friends laugh.

Anyway, just rambling on. The other thing I would say is this: divorce is an option. If you’ve tried to improve things and you’ve seen zero improvement over a long period of time, things may really be broken.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read =-.

By: Kyle(girl)

Kyle(girl) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:48:21 +0000

I have two anger phrases – “I am going to kill him in his sleep”(he has sleep apnea) and “I could have done better” neither make me feel better or are terribly productive. Actually, now that I’m writing them when I’m not angry it kinda makes me feel terrible. I’ve never been a name-caller though so we never result to that!

By: Amy in MN

Amy in MN — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:51:29 +0000

Today I have HUGE problems with this. Today I am talking to everyone I know about who is a good divorce attorney. Today I truly don’t know if I can do this. This is why… My husband has decided when he thinks I am stupid, he will call me BRAINS. Very sarcastically mind you! Now our 5 year old is calling me BRAINS. The verbal abuse of me and my boys is getting worse by the day and I just don’t know how much more I can take. I truly understand today why people get so upset, frustrated and angry that they do VERY stupid things. My boys are my world. I married their father, trying to show him, what a real loving family could be like since I come from one and he doesn’t. But after almost 2 years of marriage and 10 years of “relationship” he still doesn’t get it. His problems are always bigger, worse and more painful. Mine are never at the top of his priority list. My father died 3 weeks ago. He was 87 years old and he and my mother were married for 67.5 years. I thought by seeing what devotion could do for people, he would learn, but he hasn’t. I don’t know that I have it in me to keep trying. I tell myself the mantra… DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION, but how long do you try and try and blow out bad smoke and invision white goodness when all you really want to do is take the knife he has put in my back and put it back in his! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I truly am at my wits end and don’t know what to do or where to turn!!!

By: Elisa

Elisa — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 15:51:57 +0000

I’m going to try this breathing technique. And communication is a big factor. There’s nothing better than a good talk. I just had one with my hubby On valentine’s day(because the previous day we spend it angry at each other) I learned that he too has emotions and he was ‘depressed’ because his work search has reached a dead-end but instead of talking to me about it he was ignoring me which made Me ignore him and feel resentful..and I agree with Alexandra about the honesty part it’s vital.
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..Lost and in search of the bookstore =-.

By: Angelia

Angelia — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 15:00:59 +0000

I’m going to try this. I sometimes find myself in that place of picking out all the negative. And no, he isn’t always human to me. We have good days and bad days.

I have a couple of “go-to” phrases. The favorite being “JC! You are so stupid!” and “Stop being a dick!”
.-= Angelia´s last blog ..Listen! Or not… =-.

By: Lexy

Lexy — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 13:58:32 +0000

My anger phrase is the same as yours but shorter. It’s just “Fucking asshole!”. And oops, sometimes I say it out loud. Which he then repeats (for what reason? I dunno), “Oh, I’m a fucking asshole?” Which gets him the, I-just-said-that-didn’t-I-dumbass-look. I also tend to shout “You’re being childish”. Because not to say I’m perfect, but many of our disagreements come up because he needs to have a temper tantrum and it’s usually over something not worth getting angry about but he likes to elevate it. I’ve done SO much better with the I accept defeat/I hand over the victory. Of course, that ends up pissing him off which then makes me laugh which pisses him off more……….Oh well, at least my blood pressure went down, huh? I love him a lot though AND, since we’ve been working at our marriage, these things occur once every 10 days to 3 weeks now instead of once every 2-3 days. I think we’re making progress,

By: Debra

Debra — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 13:10:14 +0000

phrase is usually something involving the word “idiot.” Meditation. . not sure that will work for me. But I do find that after we’ve made love I feel so much more loving towards him for the next couple of days. . .

By: Edgy Mama

Edgy Mama — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 11:57:15 +0000

I have the same exact kneejerk anger phrase that you do!