Marriage Improvement Monday
A reader recently told me that he subscribed to my blog three months ago because he needed marriage advice. Yet, in three months I had not written a single post about marital improvement. I’d written funny stories. I’d written about being a parent. I’d written about life and happiness.
But I had not written a single “how can I save my abyssal marriage?” post. He wanted me to know that he was still reading because he enjoyed my writing, but he asked if I could I possibly get back to the mission of the blog before his wife completely finished planning his funeral.
I thought, “It hasn’t been THAT long since I’ve written a marital improvement post, has it?”
I’d love to tell you that I searched my archives and found at least 10 recent marital improvement posts. I didn’t do that. I’m much too tired from my recent bout with the stomach flu to go and do a tedious thing like that.
Instead, I decided to do this: Write a weekly Marriage Challenge post, one that gives you one actionable strategy you can try during the week to come.
Today’s Marriage Challenge
This challenge is a continuation of Friday’s post about Black and White Breathing. Once a day for at least 7 days, you’re going to meditate on how much you love your spouse. And if you just thought something like, “For the love of People I’m Not Married To, just give me something normal to do!” bear with me. Just read to the end. And then humor me. Try it. Try it even if you think it’s a waste of time. Because it’s not. It works. Trust me.
Why it works: When marriage goes bad, we often stop seeing our spouses as human beings. We fixate on their negative qualities and we ignore all of their positive qualities. This is a protective mechanism, designed to protect us from heartache. That’s why I call it Turning Your Spouse into Mr. Ex. By fixating on the negative, you are mentally preparing yourself for divorce.
This meditation will help you to see your spouse clearly—as a human being that you once loved and can love again.
How to Do It: Set aside about 10 minutes. Try to eliminate distractions if possible. Turn off the phone. Ask your spouse not to ask you if you’ve seen his car keys. That sort of thing. Then sit cross-legged on the floor with your back against a wall (for comfort). Close your eyes and do the following.
- Do a body scan. Bring your awareness to the top of your head, then to the sides of your head, and then your face, and so on, slowly working your way down and through every part of your body. This will help you relax.
- Practice Black and White Breathing. Exhale all of your negativity, distracting thoughts, and any part of yourself that is no longer useful through your nose in the form of black smoke. Inhale kindness, love, compassion and all that is good in the world in the form of bright white light. Do this until your mind is calm and you feel a sense of peace.
- Equalize the playing field. Mentally tell yourself this sentence over and over. Repeat 10 to 20 times: My spouse deserves just as much happiness as I do. I deserve to be happy, and so does my spouse. Note: it doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it. Just say it. Eventually, you’ll believe it.
- Give your spouse some loving. Imagine your spouse hovering there in the ethers in front of you. Tell your spouse: I love you. I wish you happiness. Say it over and over again until you really mean it. You’ll know you really mean it when you no longer feel angry and have thoughts like, “No way does my spouse deserve this wish!” Once you can truly wish your spouse happiness from a pure and loving place, you’re done. (Note: over time, you can expand this meditation to include other people.)
How This Will Transform Your Marriage: This meditation will help you see your spouse as a person—a flawed, but lovable human being—who wants exactly what you want out of life and marriage—happiness. Once you can see that clearly, you’ll be much more likely to remember that common goal when you argue.
I Could Not Write This Post Without Telling You This Story
This Saturday, I woke depressed. My husband was still sleeping. My daughter was watching cartoons. I decided to go for a walk. About 45 minutes later, I was back and I was feeling much better. I left the dog by the front door and then walked around back to dump the dog’s poop in the trash. When I got back to the door, the dog was inside and the door was locked. I knocked on the door. My husband opened it and, without a “Good Morning” or a “Hello,” grumbled, “Where were you?! The dog was out there all alone and you were no where to be found!”
I said, “I. Was. Just. Dumping. His. Poop. In. The. Trash. Like. I. Always. Do.” He said, “I didn’t know where you were! I thought you died and the dog came back by himself!” I said, “Well, didn’t YOU wake up in a bad mood.” And he said, “I’m not in a bad mood!”
Oh, it was a great juicy fight just waiting to be had, don’t you think?
But something strange happened. At this point, my mind should have been fixated on the following phrase: “Why is he such a fucking asshole?!” I apologize for the cursing, but that’s my anger phrase. I’m sure you have your own. Oddly, though, that thought was nowhere in my brain. Instead, I was thinking, “He deserves to be happy and so do you. Be the big person. Stop acting like a baby.”
Crazy weird, don’t you think?
We parted ways. I asked myself why I was so mad. I told myself I was so mad because I’d just managed to feel better and now I felt like crap again.
I did the black and white breathing for a couple minutes.
Then I found my husband and I said, “I woke up feeling depressed, so I went for a walk. And when I got back to the house, I felt peaceful and happy again. And then as soon as I walked in the door, you yelled at me and now I feel crappy again and I don’t know what to do about it.”
He said, “I didn’t yell at you. I was just concerned.” Then he said, “You were depressed? Why were you depressed?”
And then we had a good long talk about depression, a topic that I hardly ever talk about with anyone except for other depressed people (of which my husband is not). By the end of the talk, I loved him more than I had the day before. It was a good talk, one that I probably would not have ever had with him had I not been practicing the Happiness Meditation.
So try it. Then come back here and let me know how it went for you.
Oh, and, just out of curiosity, let me know if you have an anger phrase—a knee jerk thought that pops into your head whenever you are stinking mad at your spouse. Telling me about your phrase will make me feel normal about mine.
Tweet This Post 
Facebook 
Stumble This Post
Related posts:
- 17 Happy Marriage Tips
- What should you do about your marriage?
- How to Recession-Proof Your Marriage: Part 3
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
February 14th, 2010 at 11:54 pm
This is a great idea, Alisa! This is a really valuable exercise, and I definitely look forward to following this series.
And since you had to go and ask for it, here’s my anger phase (always said INSIDE my head and not to my dear wife)…it’s simply “What the fuck?”
Dustin | Engaged Marriage´s last blog ..Improve Yourself! Week 7: Communicate for Success
February 15th, 2010 at 12:50 am
My anger phrase is “Why are you SSOO fuc-king stupid!!” (emphasizing both syllables) because invariably whatever I am arguing for is “smart” and what i am against is “stupid.”
February 15th, 2010 at 1:17 am
Such great advice, thank you! I have found myself in eerily similar communication breakdowns with my husband so I really appreciate you sharing your depression/dog walking story.
Cyndi´s last blog ..Valentine Schmalentine
February 15th, 2010 at 4:53 am
I work to do 3 fairly regularly. Number 4 is a challenge due to the distance between my husband and myself. (That’s physical, not emotional.) I don’t see myself doing 2 because of reasons previously mentioned. I’m really bad at the body scan bit, so 1 may be a ways off for me.
I think it’s funny how often people seem to revert to 4-letter vocabulary when we are hacked. I am no different. My phrase is, “Why are you such a fucking moron, (husband)?!” On multiple occasions I have been tempted to let the phrase penetrate my thoughts and enter the open air. I refrain when I remember he actually does not fit the description presented in my phrase.
February 15th, 2010 at 6:14 am
I am so going to try this! Thanks! I’ve been reading your blogs for about 2 weeks now, Hubby and I have been married for almost 7 years and we have 2.5 kids [3rd is due in May] and we have slowly lost our way… trying everything in the dang book to fix it though!–it ain’t over till the fat lady sings! =o]
My anger phrase is “F-ing motherf—er, piece of shit! I swear..why am I here!?” hehe. I have turned my anger into somewhat of a happy attitude…it isn’t easy…but I do something similar to your black and white breathing…I usually say “positive thoughts, bring positive reactions” and do my little “woosai”, rubbing my ears and i’m good again..LOL.
February 15th, 2010 at 8:02 am
Love this post! While I’m not a big meditator, I do believe in its powers for people who do it regularly. I’m to the point where I have a VERY hard time shutting my mind up for more than a minute before it starts spinning again. Something to work on…
Since I don’t meditate, I have found that simply sitting down and writing a “Top ___” list of positive qualities about my husband helps me. I left the blank in because some days, 5 is all I can do and other days, I’m closer to 20. I may make it things he’s done in the past week or just general qualities. I also have asked myself “What makes you think you’re so perfect?” Sometimes, when I’m annoyed by something minor, turning the microscope on myself helps put things back into perspective.
I do think I might try this sometime. Maybe one of the next times I think “Are you fucking kidding me?” (which is one of my anger phrases…why do all of our anger phrases contain the word “fuck” I wonder?).
February 15th, 2010 at 9:02 am
You are such an inspiration to me. And I’m no longer married – and will keep reading your blog no matter what because (you’re one of my closest blogging friends and) relationships are relationships – you don’t need to be married or even involved with someone else. I grab wondrous pieces of ‘ah ha!’ from your posts that I can apply to any relationship – but especially to the most important one – the one I have with myself.
Julie Roads´s last blog ..Dang. Another Fork.
February 15th, 2010 at 9:20 am
This is great, Alisa! I have to admit that I find it really difficult to meditate, maybe because it’s nearly impossible for me to find a quiet place and time in my crazy house! But this is something I really need to do, so I’m going to have to get creative in finding some quiet time. It’s so funny that you shared your dog walking story, because this happens to me a LOT. I’m in a fine mood until I get home. I get in the door and a comment or tone from my husband instantly makes me angry and stressed. Then that makes my husband angry and defensive, and off we go! So I’ve been trying to work on this, and your advice will really help! And apparently we have the same anger phrase: “Fucking asshole!” I try to keep it inside my head, but it has been known to find its way past my lips. I don’t recommend this as a relationship builder.
So glad to have met and hung out with you at BlissDom!
February 15th, 2010 at 9:28 am
Hi Paula–thanks for visiting. So honored! It was great hanging with you, too!
February 15th, 2010 at 11:16 am
My phrase is the same as yours. And I usually have sign language to go with it, once he walks away. LOL!!! My “birds” fly with the greatest of ease.
Being the big person is hard sometimes. But I do try.
February 15th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
I like the idea of Monday being Marriage Improvement Day. What helps for us is clearing the air, ie. sitting down and communicating whatever does not feel right. Often, it has nothing to do with our marriage, but sharing feelings does strengthen the bond between two people who care about each other, both who are on second marriages. I was reminded of this new ritual when your husband expressed surprise that you were depressed. There’s no big D written on one’s forehead, you know. Sometimes tone or stature will give depression away, but not always. Learning to put feelings into words may be easier for women than for men, but my husband is living proof that men can learn to communicate feelings, too. My goodness, what a few communication sessions could have done for my first marriage! Which brings me to another topic: honesty. You need honesty in a marriage, as well. If there’s no honesty, forget it!
February 15th, 2010 at 4:12 pm
My “angry” phrase is usually something along the lines of “what a self-centered butthead. (Yes, I really do say butthead when I put self-centered in front of it)” or “Stupid Dipshit.” Which really, is probably not true. My husband can’t be that stupid, because if he was, I would not have married him. I feel bad admitting this, but I’m sure my husband has called me a “crazy bitch,” in his head 1000s of times. So yeah, my phrase lately has been “dipshit,” I don’t know why.
I do know that I’m big on fairness, so usually my gripe is that, in my opinion, he’s not being fair. I don’t think my husband and I have grasped the “you before me,” and “giving without condition” concepts yet. We had a nice long talk about this weekend and it went really well, we’re working on it.
This Marriage Improvement Monday sounds like a great weekly post, and I agree, you should do more marriage posts! (Although I sincerely enjoy ALL of your posts, you know that!)
This particular Marriage Meditation is wonderful! Your specific techniques and step-by-step break down are wonderful, I appreciate that! I’m definitely going to try this.
I really do believe, in my heart, that BOTH my husband and I DESERVE happiness. So I think I’m one step ahead of the game there! Yay!
I think a lot of it, in life and in marriage, is MAKING your OWN happiness for yourself, and letting your spouse, work, children, home, etc ADD to it. But, still, I think the basic idea and belief that we all deserve happiness is a wonderful thing! Thanks for this great post, Alisa!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
February 15th, 2010 at 6:10 pm
I will try, although the meditation will be hard since my mind never fully relaxes! Great idea! One time when we were having a three day fight, I emailed my husband the reasons that I love him. This helped me get over the fight, and see all the reasons I married him. It helped him see that the fight was not going make me love him any less!
My fight phrase is “What a F***ing D***!!!” or “Why did I marry such an A**hole?!” I don’t say them but they definitly go through my head. Sometimes I go into the laundry room and stick my tongue out at him, childish I know, but it makes me feel a little better! I’d do it in front of him, but I have a two year old and don’t want to teach her that one!
February 15th, 2010 at 6:28 pm
I was wondering myself this morning what had happened to all the marriage related posts…
My angry phrase is almost the same as yours, only not in the form of a question. I try to kick it out of my head as soon as it gets in though.
When I notice I’m getting cranky with my fiance I try to figure out if it actually has anything to do with him or not, and if it doesn’t I apologize and explain what is making me cranky. He usually gives me a big hug and tells me it’s okay, and then we both end up feeling better.
Katie´s last blog ..Best Cookies Ever
February 15th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Love the marriage challenge! It made my night. I was sitting here annoyed with my husband (for no reason at all really) and not feeling that great. Then I read your post and completely identified with it – all of it.
I’ve been reading your blog for a couple months now and have never written. For a while there, I really thought my husband and I weren’t going to make it. After months of therapy, reading your blog and Gottman’s book, we’re on the right track.
I think I’m writing you tonight because this is an exchange I would have had with my husband and I love how your blog makes me feel like a normal person.
Thanks for the meditation tip and for making my night.
Oh, and not to end on a bad note, but my anger phrase is simply, “You ASSHOLE!”
February 15th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
I don’t have a saying of my own but yours pretty much is what pops into my head most times. I feel like we are kindred spirits…your posts read as much as what I think but never have the time (or the brain space with three kids six and under!) to articulate. Thanks!
Allison´s last blog ..Another Firecracker Day!
February 16th, 2010 at 1:10 am
Though from NC, my phrase is “Oh Bloody Hell, Woman.”. For some reason, it always seems to prevent conversations with my spouse from running smoothly.
I’ve been reading your blog for close to a year but have not really participated in any discussions. However it’s been a great find as your advice is broad enough to apply to those of us in “gay” marriages. Contrairy to our news coverage, our marriages are jut as bland and troublesome and sweet and cozy as all the other ones and advice for us can be hard to find. So…a very genuine thanks!
February 16th, 2010 at 6:03 am
My angry phrase is “Ohmygod why are you acting like such a bloody child?!”. I’ve been known to yell this at my husband, which never seems to have the desired effect (of making him stop whatever thing I perceive to be childish), and tends to make him do it more.
Both my husband and I are very introspective people, so most of the time we avoid the heated just-walked-through-the-door type arguments, but sometimes we let feelings of resentment fester. I think it’ll be useful for both of us to be reminded that the other person deserves to be just as happy as us.
Dee´s last blog ..Etsy update
February 16th, 2010 at 6:11 am
My phrase is “A$$hole!” although sometimes in the form of a question. Just before the new year I started the mantra “I am head over heels in love with my husband.” This was my equivalent to the breathing meditation. It has taken a few weeks, but I’m much closer to feeling that way now. It’s so nice to say “I love you” and REALLY feel it.
February 16th, 2010 at 6:57 am
I have the same exact kneejerk anger phrase that you do!
February 16th, 2010 at 8:10 am
phrase is usually something involving the word “idiot.” Meditation. . not sure that will work for me. But I do find that after we’ve made love I feel so much more loving towards him for the next couple of days. . .
February 16th, 2010 at 8:58 am
My anger phrase is the same as yours but shorter. It’s just “Fucking asshole!”. And oops, sometimes I say it out loud. Which he then repeats (for what reason? I dunno), “Oh, I’m a fucking asshole?” Which gets him the, I-just-said-that-didn’t-I-dumbass-look. I also tend to shout “You’re being childish”. Because not to say I’m perfect, but many of our disagreements come up because he needs to have a temper tantrum and it’s usually over something not worth getting angry about but he likes to elevate it. I’ve done SO much better with the I accept defeat/I hand over the victory. Of course, that ends up pissing him off which then makes me laugh which pisses him off more……….Oh well, at least my blood pressure went down, huh? I love him a lot though AND, since we’ve been working at our marriage, these things occur once every 10 days to 3 weeks now instead of once every 2-3 days. I think we’re making progress,
February 16th, 2010 at 10:00 am
I’m going to try this. I sometimes find myself in that place of picking out all the negative. And no, he isn’t always human to me. We have good days and bad days.
I have a couple of “go-to” phrases. The favorite being “JC! You are so stupid!” and “Stop being a dick!”
Angelia´s last blog ..Listen! Or not…
February 16th, 2010 at 10:51 am
I’m going to try this breathing technique. And communication is a big factor. There’s nothing better than a good talk. I just had one with my hubby On valentine’s day(because the previous day we spend it angry at each other) I learned that he too has emotions and he was ‘depressed’ because his work search has reached a dead-end but instead of talking to me about it he was ignoring me which made Me ignore him and feel resentful..and I agree with Alexandra about the honesty part it’s vital.
Elisa´s last blog ..Lost and in search of the bookstore
February 16th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Today I have HUGE problems with this. Today I am talking to everyone I know about who is a good divorce attorney. Today I truly don’t know if I can do this. This is why… My husband has decided when he thinks I am stupid, he will call me BRAINS. Very sarcastically mind you! Now our 5 year old is calling me BRAINS. The verbal abuse of me and my boys is getting worse by the day and I just don’t know how much more I can take. I truly understand today why people get so upset, frustrated and angry that they do VERY stupid things. My boys are my world. I married their father, trying to show him, what a real loving family could be like since I come from one and he doesn’t. But after almost 2 years of marriage and 10 years of “relationship” he still doesn’t get it. His problems are always bigger, worse and more painful. Mine are never at the top of his priority list. My father died 3 weeks ago. He was 87 years old and he and my mother were married for 67.5 years. I thought by seeing what devotion could do for people, he would learn, but he hasn’t. I don’t know that I have it in me to keep trying. I tell myself the mantra… DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION, but how long do you try and try and blow out bad smoke and invision white goodness when all you really want to do is take the knife he has put in my back and put it back in his! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I truly am at my wits end and don’t know what to do or where to turn!!!
February 16th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
I have two anger phrases – “I am going to kill him in his sleep”(he has sleep apnea) and “I could have done better” neither make me feel better or are terribly productive. Actually, now that I’m writing them when I’m not angry it kinda makes me feel terrible. I’ve never been a name-caller though so we never result to that!
February 16th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Amy in MN: Yes, the breathing doesn’t fix your spouse or your marriage, it just helps you get in a frame of mind where you can talk about it without retaliating. It’s hard for me to give specific advice because I don’t know your entire situation, but if my husband started using that nickname on me, I would say, “Please don’t call me that. It hurts.” I’ve found the “it hurts” goes a long way with him. Most of the time, whenever he’s said something that I interpreted as nasty or cold, he didn’t even think he was being nasty. So I had to train him to understand when I found things hurtful, because he seemed to have no natural gauge. I’ve found that certain groups of men pal around and say sarcastic things like that to each other and it’s all part of the fun (supposedly). Then they try the same behavior on their wives and they are met with the fuzzy eyeball and they can’t figure out what they said that was so offensive–because it makes their guy friends laugh.
Anyway, just rambling on. The other thing I would say is this: divorce is an option. If you’ve tried to improve things and you’ve seen zero improvement over a long period of time, things may really be broken.
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read
February 16th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Amy–also, I’m sorry to hear about your father. Hang in there. Grief is hard.
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read
March 7th, 2010 at 7:58 am
This message is for Amy. I am 44 years old and a married veteran with 23 years under my belt…I am no expert…but I have some experience and I can give you a husbands perspective. Amy…let me just say that I truly feel for you. I know it must be hard right now for you….but keep moving forward. Life’s problems usually come clustered together and having marital issues coupled by a parent dying only amplifies this issues….and it is no picnic. What I can say to you is that….I would recommend that you not make any life altering decisions like getting a divorce. I heard once that the difference between adult children and their parents lives…is about a 5% difference! Not much change huh? It seems that you and your husband obviously have different points of view on the matter of marriage…so what i would suggest is that rather than delving into a divorce…you see a counselor. Now that could be a Pastor, Priest, or a professional counselor….whomever you choose is up to you and your husband. This is a long and lengthy processes…especially since you come from different life backgrounds…so take your time and get it right. Remember this…you can not gauge your life by how your family lived their lives….you and your husband make up a new family…and it would be best that after investing 10 years and having a child…it is best to give it a try.