The Challenge: Write a Grudge List
We are probably all guilty of doing any number of not-so-functional things during a marital argument, and one of the most common is this: stockpiling. The argument might have—at one time—been about the snotty comment your spouse made while you were cooking dinner. But now it’s about the time he forgot to buy you an anniversary gift.
And it’s about the time he smoked the Thanksgiving turkey so long that it tasted like parking lot gravel, and he did this because he left the smoker to fend for itself while he rode his bike all afternoon.
And about the time he was an hour late to his own wedding.
And about the time, when you were just dating, when he let it slip that he thought your best friend was a whiney princess, and he let this revelation slip right in front of her.
Thing is, while all of these incidents were definitely angering and incredibly disappointing, mentioning them all during your current argument is not going to resolve things any faster. If anything, it’s just going to cause the argument and the anger to drag on even longer. It may very well even thwart you from getting your true point across, because your spouse will feel so under siege that he’ll stop listening. As you shout about all of the indiscretions that prove that he is indeed a despicable human who is not worthy of the likes of you, he’ll hear something that sounds a lot like the teacher on Peanuts. You know what I’m talking about: wah-whawha-wha-wah.
Indeed, if you really want your spouse to stop making snotty comments, keep your discussion focused on the latest snotty comment and how it made you feel: hurt. Don’t bring up the past.
Yes, of course, it’s easier said than done. That’s where the grudge list comes in.
Make Your Grudge List
This is what you’re going to do.
You and your spouse both make a grudge list. Write down every single maddening incident that you can possibly remember, dating all the way back to the day you met. Don’t go on and on about it. Just write down enough so that you both know what you are talking about. Start your list with the phrase, “I still feel hurt because of …” and then list specific incidents. For instance, your list might look like this.
I still feel hurt because of …
- The time you didn’t have a closet cleaned out for me when I moved in with you.
- Last Thanksgiving, when you told my sister in law to eff off.
- When you missed our daughter’s birth because you were working late at the office.
You get the idea. Don’t worry if your list has 25 or more items on it. Just write them all down.
Once you both have a grudge list, share them with each other, using these Grudge List Sharing Rules.
Rule #1: You share your lists one at a time, moving through each and every item on one list before you deal with the other list.
Rule #2: The person who is sharing will try not to blame, use curse words, sigh loudly, perform acrobatic eye rolls, or raise his or her voice. You just read from the list. That’s it.
Rule #3. The person who is listening to the list does not try to convince the reader why he or she should not be hurt. He or she also does not use curse words, sigh loudly, perform acrobatic eye rolls, or raise his or her voice.
Rule #4. The person who is listening says just two words after every item on the list: “I’m” and “sorry.” It’s okay to expand on those words as in, “I’m sorry I did that” or “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” But it’s not okay to say, “I can’t believe you keep bringing that up! What is wrong with you?”
Rule #5: After you’ve both read your lists and said your sorries, burn your lists, hug and PROMISE to never, ever bring up these grudges again.
Does this technique seem sort of silly? Are you thinking that it could not possibly work? It’s just too simple, right? All I can tell you is this: I did this with my husband and, I have to say, it worked. Once I read my list and heard my husband tell me that he was sorry, a soft forgiving spot opened up in my heart. It’s my hope that this challenge will help you find your soft spot as well.
Try it and let me know how it goes. Also, if you’ve been practicing last week’s Marriage Improvement challenge, let me know how that’s going as well.
Oh, and today’s post comes with a fun little challenge. I listed 7 seemingly imaginary grudges in this post, but two of them were based on real issues that took place in my marriage. Can you guess which ones were the fake grudges and which ones were the real ones? The first person to guess correctly gets a signed copy of my latest co-authored book Back to Life After a Heart Crisis.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I think #2 and #3 are the real ones!!!
Great advice. I think this would work.
Love your blog.
Cheryl Sims
I think the turkey smoking and the closet cleaning were the real ones.
I’m afraid of doing this!
Depending on how you counted (I know women who count every little detail as a “point”, which is why I mention this), there could be more than 7 listed =)
1) the time he forgot to buy you an anniversary gift
Last Thanksgiving, when you told my sister in law to eff off.
2) the time he smoked the Thanksgiving turkey so long that it tasted like parking lot gravel, and 3) he did this because he left the smoker to fend for itself while he rode his bike all afternoon
4) the time he was an hour late to his own wedding
5) the time, when you were just dating, when he let it slip that he thought your best friend was a whiny princess, and 6) he let this revelation slip right in front of her
7) The time you didn’t have a closet cleaned out for me when I moved in with you.
9) When you missed our daughter’s birth because you were working late at the office.
I would guess number 2/3 and number 5/6 are the true ones.
As for will this work – I would have to say yes. I have been finding as I age (like the “fine wine” we women are) I remember instances from my past in which I want to make amends. For some, it isn’t possible, so I say a prayer asking that whomever I had that particular “battle” with knows I am sorry. For others, it is possible, so I have been seeking people out and saying, “do you remember when (fill in the blank) – well I do and I just wanted to apologize for my part of it”. It’s incredibly freeing.
So thank you very much for posting this – I hope all couples give this a true try.
hhmmm … that happy face was supposed to be a #8 lol
The turkey is very convincing, so I’ll go with that and the sister-in-law. I applaud anyone who shares their list with their spouse- it sounds pretty scary.
This works. However, hubby and I weren’t so formal as to write the lists. We have had those “OK, time to air all the old hurts” conversations. And we use the “stick” so the other shuts up while the list is being gone over. However, we didn’t have all your rules, so it can get a bit messy/loud/derailed.
I’m confused about the “grudge list”. I’m with Maile – the ones you noted at the beginning of this blog or the ones with the actual numbers in front of them?
But my guesses would be – the smoked turkey, because we all know you’re hubby rides a bike. And I can’t figure the second. I thought I read where he moved in with you, but I could be mistaken. And the thought of a daddy missing his child’s birth, just hurts too much to fathom. Please say it isn’t true!!!
I forgot. Hubby brought up an “old issue” a couple of weeks ago. You are so right, Alisa, bringing up that old crap is so bad. I totally lost my temper and didn’t want to talk anymore and was just appalled that he could bring up something I used to do or didn’t do or whatever the heck it was.
We’ve had a long standing rule – unless we are discussing the past, the past stays in the past. Bringing it up during a today fight solves NOTHING and makes the fight now so much worse.
I have to say the smoked turkey and the princess comment.
I’m not as sure about the second but pretty positive about the first.
I love the idea about the list and am going to try it but I have a question. What if the I’m sorry doesn’t sound sincere. I’m scared that I will end up more resentful…..
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Theresa =-.
I will have to try to do this list thing because I tend to stuff it all in then explode when the can is finally full!
I will have to say he was late to his daughter’s birth because he worked late and he was late to his own wedding! (sounds far fetched but could happen!)
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..A Rule about Diapers =-.
1. I will say that one of you has guessed correctly, but I’m going to wait a while before announcing so I don’t spoil the fun.
2. Amy: if you keep the focus on “hurt” and not “mad,” it really helps to elicit the sincere apology. Very few humans set out to hurt someone else. Also, I did find that, even though my husband wasn’t completely sincere on a couple of points, I still felt better after doing this. That’s probably because I felt as if I’d finally had my say. It wasn’t all corked up anymore, so I could let it go and focus on the present.
3. To everyone who is scared: just use the ground rules. That’s why they are there. And think about it this way: you could either have an argument now about these things, or you could have one later. But avoiding the exercise due to fear won’t prevent the argument. You’ll either address it in a controlled way (this exercise) or in an extremely uncontrolled way (the next time you are really pissed off). Either way, it’s all going to come up.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Marriage Improvement Monday =-.
Alisa,
laughed so hard at “acrobatic eye rolls” that my tummy still hurts!!! love ur sense of humor, really! Great post and great advice!
i think that the Thanksgiving turkey and the missing your daughters birth are the true ones.!
As someone who has done his fair share of causing hurt through either selfishness or short-sidedness, and feeling hurt as well. I would personally like the opportunity to listen to and truly apologize for the hurt I have caused.
They stole your idea! NBC, together with Seinfeld, is premiering “The Marriage Ref” on Thursday, March 4 10/9c.
I watched a clip where he sets up the show. Calls it a comedic exploration of the subject of marriage.
http://www.nbc.com/the-marriage-ref/video/clips/jerry-sets-up-the-show/1199290/
It ought to be interesting… we’ll see.
While my other half and I aren’t married (yet we’re still really young – early twenties – but we’ve been dating for 6 years), we have our own version of this. When we’re both in a fairly good mood and ready to listen we talk about what we could improve on and what we’ve done that’s hurt the other. And while we don’t always apologize, we figure out how to prevent it from happening again – maybe a “I’ll try to pay more attention to the things that are important to you” (re: turkey) or “I will be more considerate of your friends because I know they are important to you” (re: bff).
Even if it’s not an apology, it’s nice to know they are trying to make sure not to hurt you again.
OK, here’s a question: what if you are scared to even bring this up with your spouse? because doing so will acknowledge you have problems? and you are convinced that he will roll his eyes at the suggestion?
What happens when the “grudges” are just really examples of ongoing behaviors that continue to repeat and apologies start to feel like nothing more than lip service because the same behaviors continue? After 20 years together, certain things seem unlikely to change…
I’m guessing the turkey one and the anniversary gift lol
Both seem like very big possibilities of happening. I actually forgot our anniversary this year
lol so I couldn’t get mad when he didn’t remember either.
Good post, I need to attempt this, we’ll see if I can.
L: what you are talking about is really different, and I’m glad you asked. That can be the topic of next Monday’s post! (Thank you!)
ML: so, when I first did this exercise with my husband and explained what I wanted to do, I got a: O-kay, with the kay part in ital. In other words, major sarcasm. I chose to ignore it, because I knew I needed to do the exercise. And as we did the exercise, he softened up considerably. I can’t say for sure that your man will, too, but I think it will help to start off with: “I want us to be happy. I want us to have a great marriage. I don’t know if you are feeling this, but, for me, our marriage is not great. I’m [DISAPPOINTED? SAD? MISERABLE?] and I don’t want to feel this way. I want to feel the way I felt when we met. I’ve been reading this blog that this crazy woman writes. She once felt the same way about her own marriage, and now she’s happy married. She suggested we do this exercise. I know how you hate when I bring up old crap during an argument. This exercise is supposed to help me to stop doing that. But I need your help. Will you promise me that you can do these 5 things….”
Remember: usually the fear of what might happen is much worse than whatever actually materializes. Your marriage cannot improve if you do nothing.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Marriage Improvement Monday =-.
Thank you for responding so quickly. I am feeling at wits end (I’m sure you know what I am talking about) and I look forward to your post next week.
Hi Alisha,
Interesting and delightful post. Also a great concept. Will give it a go. Have you on my twitter “following” list but never made it to your blog. I have as yet to read your other posts but I know I will be reading them from now on.
Its difficult to separate fact from fiction and all of the above could have happened, unintentionally. To pick just two I choose the turkey and closet cleaning.
Keep up the good work,
Rani
We did a modified version of this a few months ago. The hardest part for me was not rolling my eyes, because that is something I am very guily of. (and it was one of the items on his list that he wishes I would try harder to change). Although, like L., many of the behaviors of his that hurt me are ongoing, he has been working really hard to change. I also have also been trying to change some of my behaviors that hurt him. We will try this version too.
I think this is a great idea, i’ll present it to the husband, and hope it does help.
Isn’t this covered in #2 of “My Husband is a Dreamboat and Yours can be too! Dec.2008?
Vickie–did I repeat myself? Not intentional. I can’t remember what I’ve written and what I haven’t.
All: I announced this on the next post, but just in case you missed it: Kelly J is the winner for guessing correctly.
Thanks, Alisa!!!!!
I have tried something very similar to this with my wife, and for the life of me I cannot get her to do it with me. I will try and get her to read your blog and maybe, just maybe, I can get her to listen to me. But she hates me so bad right now that I hurt just about every day because of it. And yes, she feels the same way that you did with your hubby, she has said to me that she “hates me” and “if anything were to happen to me she would not shed a tear and she would be grateful that I was gone.” I just hope and pray that she is not so far gone with me that I cannot get her back. She really is an amazing woman, and I have told her on many occasions in the last month (along with “I love you more than anything in this world”) and all that I get back from her is a smile. I know that she still loves me, but I also know that she is very very hurt with me. I just want my old wife back, the one that was happy to get home, happy to see me, and the one that bragged about me at her work…not cut me up in front of her friends.
I have read a lot of your blogs in the last month and a half, and have gotten a lot of ideas. And since I have given her her space, she seems to be a lot happier. And we do not argue as much as we did when we were discussing our marriage every day; day in-day out. All that I want is for us to be happy again, not only as a married couple, but also as a family.
Thanks again for all of your posts and advice, it all has been very insightful.
When I read this post, my first thought was, “Yeah, right. And my husband is really not gonna try to tell me why I shouldn’t be bent out of shape about that? Are you serious?” Then I thought, “Can I really not bring that up anymore?” Clearly you have struck a chord with this MIM post. I haven’t had a chance to test this out, but I would really like to do so. I think I have said before my husband and I are in different states. (This adds a layer to every argument, incident, and issue — of course.) I would really like to try this activity face to face. I will most definitely let you know the outcome.
Last week’s activity was a little less taxing. I love my husband quite a lot, and I work to tell myself that often. In fact, I would say I have quite a knack for it, especially when I’m hacked at him.
Your comments last week were a reminder of how utterly important it is and what a significant impact having love at the forefront of the mind can have on our interaction with our spouses.