A reader participation post
Q: We’re struggling with my wife’s parents. They are controlling, and want to dictate every situation. Even with our children, they want to take them and raise them. We have stood our ground on numerous occasions, but they repeatedly provoke the situation. I’m struggling to work this out with my wife. She doesn’t like it either, but she also doesn’t want to be caught in the middle. Where should we draw the line? How do we set better boundaries? – Stuck in the Middle
Readers: this is going to be a juicy one, I suspect. I can’t wait to read your responses.
Here’s mine.
I recommend you make a few firm rules with your wife. For instance, here are some rules that might work:
1. If the in-laws make a request, neither you nor your wife makes a solo, on the fly decision. You say, “I need to talk to [the husband/the wife] about that. I’ll get back to you.”
2. You are in charge of confronting your parents. She’s in charge of hers. My husband and I use this rule (as with #1). I find this one particularly important because my parents are much more forgiving of me that they are of my husband. My husband’s parents, oddly, are also more forgiving of me than they are of him, too, but that’s a topic for another day. Anyway, if I lose my patience or temper with my parents, it’s one thing. If my husband does, it’s another. So, for example, let’s say we’re visiting my husband’s parents and his mother starts telling me how to cook my scrambled eggs. My husband knows I hate being told how to cook, so he comes over to the stove and finishes cooking my scrambled eggs for me. That way he has to deal with his mother’s back seat cooking instead of me.
3. I highly recommend your wife have a sit down with her parents and tell them how uncomfortable she feels. Controlling people usually have zero clue as to how they affect others. They see themselves as being helpful. She might say, “When you do this, it makes me feel as if you think I am too immature/stupid/inadequate to raise my own children. I am a good mother and it hurts that you don’t see that.”
4. If all else fails, stop counting on them. If you depend on her parents to baby-sit your kids, help with financial things, or something else, you’ll always have a hard time standing your ground. More important, they will always see you both as children rather than grownups. The more independent you are, the easier it will be for them to release their control.
Readers: do you have advice for Stuck in the Middle? This couple needs your help. Remember: play fair. Be kind. Share differences of opinion, but do not single out others because they do not share your opinion. Oh, and regarding yesterday’s post, the true grudges were the turkey and the closet. Kelly J guessed correctly.
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I love all of your suggestions.
Another idea….re-think how you both react to them. If they have some “helpful suggestion”, instead of getting all worked up about it, just laugh and say something like, “thanks, but we’ve got this.”. You don’t need to explain yourselves to anyone and knowing that, why let it bother you if they attempt to run your lives…just don’t let them.
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..Mixed Emotions =-.
Truly fabulous tips. I think this is one of the hardest things that couples have to deal with outside of their own inner circle of problems (money, the kids, the house, etc) and it is important early on to establish a strategy.
You have given some wonderful advice. In an attempt to be positive, I would suggest for them to be polite when they bring up this subject and to say something along the lines of, “I appreciate you wanting to help us through this,but I think it would be better if you could help us as a family. We’d rather go through hard times together, than to prosper apart”. There is no sense in going in angry and antagonizing anyone to start with.
Then, if the grandparents continue to push, after being told how it is affecting them and after being told thanks but no thanks, maybe the grandparents have their own agenda. It is a horrible thought, but it does happen. If explaining things doesn’t work, my main concern is that the grandparents want to take and raise the children. That sends up all kinds of red flags. We can’t assume to know the entire situation. Are they teen parents living in the house with the grandparents? Are they living on their own and they got laid off of work? Are the grandparents really religious and the parents aren’t conforming to their beliefs? Is there abuse or drugs in the picture? There are so many unknowns. However, assuming that the grandparents aren’t attempting to get custody of the kids and raise them to adulthood, then a few conversations (possibly firm ones) should open the way for some understanding. After all, they will never know how much they are hurting their kids and grandchildren if they are never told there is a real problem.
“Standing our ground”, means that they are feeling attacked and that isn’t a good place to come from when you’re trying to have an important discussion. Telling someone why they are wrong when your angry, just sounds like your angry and may not be taken seriously. These things need to be brought up in as calmly a manner as can be mustered, at least to start with. Then, if things begin to get heated, they need to know when to walk away. They need to be able to walk away. I would suggest having this conversation either at the grandparents house or on neutral territory. If it happens at their own house, they would have to ask the grandparents to leave, and that could be another set of problems entirely. Also, if at all possible, I would try to have this discussion without the children present.
Good Luck
Um, I may have a tendency to overthink things. lol
Very good suggestions, and I think #4 especially: If they “do” stuff for you, then they feel they have a vested interest in be able to interfere. My mum did this when my kids were younger, seemed to feel that when I did something with the kids that wasn’t how she would have done it, then it was her job to convince me of the error of my ways, repeatedly. As we lived a plane ride away, the solution was pretty simple, either invent mystery knocks at the door, “Oo, got to run, sorry!” and then, that miracle of modern times, “call display.” I definitely believe that the child of the busybody parent needs to man-up and be the one to set limits, otherwise the spouse ends up being the bad guy. It’s pretty sad that even as adults, a lot of us have trouble standing up to our parents. As I tell my kids when they are confronting something difficult, run over a “script” in your head, do a bit of imaginary talking where you play out what you will say to your mum or dad when they phone with more “helpful” suggestions. The direct confrontation of #3 is hard for some people (like me), and the cowardly route is the email or letter, which has the benefit of letting you have your say without getting sidetracked. You are right that most bossy people aren’t aware they do this, my mum was genuinely surprised that I felt the way I did, she thought she was just “sharing her thoughts,” oy.
Oh my god i swear this is my life story going on here right this second(and no i was not the one that wrote alisa about it!!)
but seriously my mother is like that too….and i cant tell you how much i stand that she is like that. It really really really pisses me off like i really want to tell her off but i cant because im not a mean person and i always try to keep my cool.
Ok let me start of by saying me and my husband are in our early 20′s so thats a red flag i think my mom think i dont know how to raise my 18 month old baby.Every single day shes like do this do that….and dont forget to do this. She tries to dictate every single thing that i do with my son. From how to take him a bath to how to make him go to sleep. And honestly it pisses me off that she thinks i have no clue what im doing…i mean i had him in my life for 18 months now i think i kinda got the hang of it now. Even when it comes to cooking she always has to but in….when i try to cook on my own shes like oh arent you going to put this is…..?im like wtf! I know what im doing. So after so many times of dealing with her bullcrap i just decided to try to ignore her. And even this week she went on vacation to Georgia and shes still calling me telling me i better take care of him….in my head im like well duh! what am i supposed to be doing. Oh and another thing that really makes me mad is that she says she loves my son so much and blah blah blah and buys him all these things and since me and my husband plan on moving to mexico in the next 5 years or so she tells me that she doesnt want us to take him with us to leave him with her and she will watch after him.but when me and my husband want to go out to dinner alone or to the movies she doesnt want to watch him because she claims he doesnt let her sleep.So im just like why would i even consider leaving my son with my mom when she complains he doesnt let her sleep for one night. She is just really screwed up…sorry i know shes my mother and i really love her and appreciate everything she did for me and my siblings but she needs to learn to but out of my life. I was once her favorite child and maybe that has somthing to do with it also but i dont know. I really need some good advice because i really cant tell my mom to butt of i think that will brake her heart and im not that type of person that just blurts out what goes on in there head….im very sensitive about what others think of me.Please help me!!!!!
Number 2 is so important. I had this problem when my children were small, in France. Think French in-laws of the invasive kind. I put my foot down and told them how I felt in a letter. This was the wrong thing to do, for it took them a long time to forgive me. My husband should have sent them away. Note, our son was their first grandchild. The problem went away once my husband’s sister and brother had children.
Luckily, my in-laws are careful not to intrude – but when they do, I always listen (or pretend to) and then do what I want. Same goes for my parents. I like to think they are voicing their opinion out of concern, not to anger me. Maybe I’m too nice…but rather than tell them they’re bothering me, I just keep it to myself and usually it blows over in no time.
Like Alexandra I too addressed this problem with my in-laws and it caused a big blow up. The same has happened with my family – my husband confronted my parents and the tension still exists all the way around. Lesson learned the hard way for us – you have to address your own parents.
I love #1 – we are getting better at this one. It took me pointing it out to my husband several times that we needed to consult before he “agreed” to some plan.
I really like #3 – not sure my mother-in-law would get it but I think it is a great way to point out how you feel.
Move to another state. Just kidding. But it does work.
Fortunately my first in-laws were OK. My 2nd mother-in-law was a problem – every time she talked to her son, my husband, there was going to be a fight between he and I. Happened every single time.
When I had problems with my father, I moved to another state. It’s very easy to limit phone calls. And since I don’t like to fly, there was no issue about me flying across the country to visit. And my dad had no desire to visit Florida.
I did have some problems with my first mother-in-law after our divorce. She would bad talk me to my 5 year old daughter. So, I told my daughter that was not OK of grandma and at a visit I let my daughter know we’d be testing grandma. If grandma spoke poorly of me, grandma didn’t get to see her favorite grandchild anymore. Grandma was wonderful and grandma got favorite grandchild one weekend a month for a 2 night visit.
In the words of Dr. Laura, “the cost of admission” in this situation, don’t mess with the family. Or you don’t see the family.
I draw a very deep line in the sand, crossing it usually causes someone to fall in it. And it’s not going to be me. And I turn into severe momma bear when someone messes with me or my kid.
I dealt with this situation for 18 years. We asked them to stop controlling and making under-the-breath comments. We gave specific behaviors that they were to stop (putting on mascara while driving with our children in the car, for example). We threatened that we would cut them off if they didn’t respect our boundaries. They didn’t and now they are really not part of our lives. It is unfortunate for all, but as Kathy stated above, “the cost of admisison” is what it is…We tried all of the suggested solutions, but finally got to number 4. You must be very clear about your boundaries and be consistent with applying them. In fat, dealing with some in-laws is quite a bit like dealing with children.
Wow, this one hits VERY close to home. My husbands parents (and grandparents) live in the same condo complex we do. His mother is VERY controlling and we actually did not speak to each other for two years up until last June due to her controlling and narcissistic nature.
We are now on speaking terms and she still pulls a lot of the same stuff she did before. The difference is my husband puts his foot down and says no. She always replies with “I just want to help”. For a long time they helped my husband after his divorce and I think they felt they were entitled to all decisions when it came to the kids.
It’s still a struggle but you absolutely have to stick to your ground. Let them have small victories but few and far between. Let them know that you are the parents of your children and they are the grandparents.
Good luck to you!
Inlaw stuff can be so hard. In our family things work better when we follow a different plan: my husband is WAY better able to deal with MY mom and vice versa! I think it works for us because we are really united about our families of origin and we are open about how painful our parents can be to us (and were to us as children). We have a lot in common about that.
You absolutely have to set boundaries that EVERYONE is comfortable with. It’s an ongoing difficulty, isn’t it?
One piece of advice that no one has mentioned here: I highly recommend Harriet Lerner’s books, The Dance of Intimacy and The Dance of Anger. I think they add a lot of insight into in-law dynamics.
And Alisa, if you ever want to do a Q & A with her on this blog, I’ll put in a good word for you. Harriet is my aunt’s best friend from college!
.-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..Two New Travel Articles: Everything you want to know about kids and airport security =-.
We have always had a problem with in-laws and too much advice. He thinks my parents butt in too much, and I think his parents do. We definitely follow #1 and always had, since neither one of us is comfortable confronting the others parents (even after 12 years of knowing each other). As for them trying to control the way we do things, well we live far enough away to only listen to it over the phone. I try to follow the thought process that “They are just trying to help. They are just doing/saying what they think is right” I don’t neccessarily follow any of their advice, but it keeps the eye-rolling and annoyed sighs away for the time being. When my mother-in-law trys to give me advice, I usually listen and then tell her I’ll think about it or “look into it.” That usually takes care of it and she’s not one to follow-up.
Good Luck!
First of all, let me say I love my in-laws. In fact I always have. But in the beginning my mother in law was very controlling when we had “her first grandchild”. I tried, and tried and tried, to be understanding and let her be very involved. But soon it felt like she was taking over. Not wanting to make my husband feel like he had to choose, I bit my tongue. Well, by the end of that year, I was no longer able to handle it. SO, I told my husband what was going on, told him I didn’t expect him to take sides, but if he could please ask his mom to back off and let us raise our child. My husband “stood back and watched” what was happening and he saw that what I said was true. So he stepped in and said something to his mom. I never asked what, he never told me, but since then she has left us to raise our kids and hasn’t tried to take over at all. And it has made our relationship much better.
I honestly wish I could say talking will work, but I know from experience with my own family, that’s not the case. My family didn’t get the hint to back off until I was very blunt (rude) and to the point with them. And I hate having to do that, but being polite and understanding never works with them. If I say it flat out and put them on the spot, it hurts them, but it makes my point and they stop their behavior (for a while, anyway).
What’s sad is my children are now seeing the “real” side I have sheltered them from all these years, and they don’t like their grandparents very much. And that is my family’s fault. Yes, I could have let my children see their behavior all along, but I didn’t feel my children needed to be subjected to that. Now that they are older, I don’t hide it and my children are getting a first hand look – and not liking it at all.
I use that “against” my family to make them see that they are hurting the kids. They get angry, but if they’d change their behavior, I wouldn’t have had to cover for them in the first place – and their grandchildren wouldn’t avoid them.
I hope you find a way to get through to your wife’s parents that works for everyone without hurting anyone. Blessings
I agree with your tips. And the one about each handling our own parents, true, my parents can be more forgiving of me than my hubby. Right now I’m in a situation also stuck in the middle (I can’t communicate with my mother-in-law) due to language barrier. So for the time being I let my hubby deal with it all ,which is great for me!LOL
THere was a situation few month back, where I wanted to move the crib out of our bedroom into the guest room to prepare our daughter to sleeping in her own room. MY mother-in-law screamed and said what an unresponsible thing to do, she is too young, bla,bla bla, (somehow even lost in translation I understood she was not happy) I didn’t want to argue, after all our time here is temporary so I told hubbby don’t argue just let it go. I know it probably wasn’t the right thing to do, NOT standing up. On the other hand, IF it was my mother, I would have argued back.
and you are right Alisa, in-laws don’t have any idea that instead of being helpful they end up making you feel inept. It’s all about talking to your parents but on NEUTRAL ground, don’t scream, explain that when they do”such and such” I feel such, such…
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..Coloring on the walls =-.
We’ve been through something similar. We put our collective feet down and said no more. We set our own rules and did what we were comfortable with.
i think your tips are great, and want to add that consistency is going to be a big part of this too. You have to consult together on EVERY decision regarding inlaws and their suggestions, if you let one slip – another is sure to follow.
I also think its really a great idea to approach them on calmer terms. “Standing your ground” sounds like a fight. Setting boundaries is better. A good boundary might be “don’t make your suggestions in front of the children” (this is one that My husband and I are working on ourselves)
I might also tell my parents (or his depending on the situation) that mistakes are mine to make, and I would appreciate support in my decisions rather than criticisms.
I must be pretty lucky. I haven’t had any problems like the ones described with my in-laws. When problems do pop up we don’t hesitate to talk about them–but I’ve also learned that sometimes I’ve overreacted so I just wait a few days to see if I’m really reacting rationally or not.
I think that you will find that the parents have a certain “vision” of life and how they have lived their lifes in alignment with that “vision”. The parents see/believe that their children and the grandchildren should also live according to this “vision”. Though it is disrespectful of the parents to impose their “vision” and on the now adult children (wife and husband).
The husband and wife do need to first sit down and both agree that when they confront the parents, they will state how they feel when this is occuring and seek for the parents to understand. It can be done in a civil manner, I would recommend having the parents try “mirroring” the husband and wife’s comments as the conversation goes along.
To change years of behavior can not be done in a day, but at least seek for the acknowledgement of understanding from the parents.
Personally, we have used rule #1 and rule #4.
It has been an amazing journey of finding my own personal power.
The only way for me to do that was to go with #4.
Prior to this life transformation, there was no boundary between my family and my parents.
I learned that the purpose of my life was NOT to make my parents happy.
Very empowering.
I realized the purpose of my childrens lives is not to make my parents happy.
(or make us happy)
my mom was in a subtle way controlling with her ‘help’
I realized there was no point in confronting the issues with her bcs she has a few
traits of narcissistic personality disorder such as – she is never wrong.
I no longer rely on my parents for anything related to caring for my children.
I learned how to set healthy boundaries.
My parents were not pleased and it was a difficult couple of years.
It was one of my greatest challenges but I am stronger and happier now.
My family is happier now.
Thanks for introducing the topic.
It’s just an unnatural relationship. I’m supposed to love his parents because I love him?
That said, good advice.
.-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Weekly parent: Guys, put the lid down or sit =-.
#2 is WONDERFUL advice and I plan on telling my husband I would rather like to handle things that way. I do also find it helpful to remind (all sets) of parents that our marriage is not theirs. None of them like hearing that, and they all still want to give their input about various decisions we make. Still, at the end of the day while my husband and I have a lot of respect for our parents and their opinions, we know they are not going to be the ones to sustain our marriage — we are. That helps us a lot when we have to negotiate or discuss something with our parents related to any decisions we have made.
Speaking of discussions, we also choose when we will and will not include our parents on our discussions. They can’t be privy to all the details of our marriage. Sometimes we just don’t include them. That can be a satisfactory and soothing choice.
In theory, Alisa, I think you are right. The high road is the better way to go. Unfortunately, for some of us, we have in-laws who are not just controlling, but downright jealous, of their kids and jealous of the other parents. I agree that boundaries must be set and adhered to. For us, we cut ties for five years. We had to. Little by little, we learned that my FIL was planting seeds of negativity w/his siblings (my husband’s uncles). It was the oddest thing. My FIL was calling my husband’s boss. I am sure he convinced my MIL that we loved my parents more, based on several comments to us. The final straw was when we sold our old house and bought a new house in a nicer neighborhood…FIL told us he was going to call the Realtor to cancel the transaction (FIL found out on purpose after the fact) and that we’d go bankrupt if we didn’t. Eight years later we are still living in our house and enjoying the fruits of our labor. My mother asked me before she died if we’d reconnect with my in-laws. I left that up to my husband and we have seen them on his terms. The difference for
In theory, Alisa, I think you are right. The high road is the better way to go. Unfortunately, for some of us, we have in-laws who are not just controlling, but downright jealous, of their kids and jealous of the other parents. I agree that boundaries must be set and adhered to. For us, we cut ties for five years. We had to. Little by little, we learned that my FIL was planting seeds of negativity w/his siblings (my husband’s uncles). It was the oddest thing. My FIL was calling my husband’s boss. I am sure he convinced my MIL that we loved my parents more, based on several comments to us. The final straw was when we sold our old house and bought a new house in a nicer neighborhood…FIL told us he was going to call the Realtor to cancel the transaction (FIL found out on purpose after the fact) and that we’d go bankrupt if we didn’t. Eight years later we are still living in our house and enjoying the fruits of our labor. My mother asked me before she died if we’d reconnect with my in-laws. I left that up to my husband and we have seen them on his terms. The difference for us was my mother passed away and my husband’s mother had a significant surgery. I do worry about behavior falling into the same pattern, but it was very empowering for my husband to stop taking on the kid role and demand to be treated as an adult.
When the going gets rough, so to speak, I get going. Anywhere. Yes, I know it’s cowardly, but I flee. To the grocery store, to the office, to church—there are always places I “need” to be if things get too hard to handle with “the other side of the family.” I figure that if I’m not there, I can’t say anything I’ll regret later.
Copout? Yes. But luckily, I don’t have to do it often, and until now, no one knew my secret but me.