How to Help Moms with Post Partum Depression
I grew up knowing the story of my maternal grandmother and how, not long after her second baby was born, she turned on the gas and tried to kill herself.
I also grew up knowing the story of my mother, about how, not long after my birth, she was driving one day and thought, “I should just drive the car off that bridge and get it over with.” Then her milk let down and she thought, “Okay, I’ll nurse her, and then I’ll kill myself.” Then something else happened to occupy her attention, so she told herself she would take care of that, and then she would kill herself.
The story became known as the day my mother could not find the time to kill herself.
My mother and my grandmother had all of the classic symptoms of post partum depression, don’t you think? But when, roughly 6 years ago, I filled out that intake form that every pregnant woman fills out, I checked “No” for the question that asked, “Do you have a family history of post partum depression?”
At that time, I didn’t know I had a history because I didn’t understand what post partum depression was. Had the form asked me whether any of the women in my family had attempted suicide after birthing a baby, I would have answered, “Yes.”
But no one asked me that question.
So, despite the fact that I am a health writer, it never occurred to me that I was at a higher risk of getting this disease. And when I suffered hot flashes after my baby was born, I blamed it on fluctuating hormone levels. And when the rage erupted–causing me to scream at my husband, the dog, my mother, and yes, even my own baby—I blamed it on sleep deprivation.
And when I came so close to shaking the life out of my baby one night because of that rage, I blamed it on displaced anger. The person I really wanted to shake was my husband—because he was sleeping peacefully and I wasn’t.
And by the time I was fantasizing about driving my car into telephone poles, I just wasn’t thinking much of anything. The ability to suss out normal from abnormal? I no longer possessed that.
It wasn’t until years later, when I was reading a book called The Female Brain that I finally realized what had been wrong with me. The book’s author described post partum depression in a way that gave me pause, because it was as if she were describing me.
Discovery Health Channel will air a documentary next week about this important topic. It’s called Post Partum Nightmares, and I’m one of the women interviewed.
When I learned that the documentary was airing next week, my first sensation was one of embarrassment. I thought, “Oh my God, now every single person in the United States is going to know that I am a bad mother.”
Yes, that was my first thought. Indeed, post partum depression leaves behind a sense of shame and failure that can be quite hard to overcome. Until I had a baby, I’d experienced nothing but success. Then, I had a baby and I felt like a failure. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a baby all day long. I didn’t know what my baby wanted when she cried. And, some of the time, I just didn’t want my baby anymore.
How could I admit that to anyone? I felt so shameful about those feelings.
But that’s precisely why I agreed to participate in the documentary, why I’m blogging about it today, and why I’m planning on giving a presentation about it to a large regional hospital. It’s my hope that the show will start an open discussion among women and their doctors. It’s my hope that it will help mothers shed their own feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Because if you’ve been through this, I can tell you: you are not a bad mother. You are not a pariah. You are not a failure or a weak person. You have or had a disease, one that should have been diagnosed and treated.
Twenty percent of new mothers suffer from this disease. Think about that stat. That’s one in every five mothers. I suppose that stat does not include the countless women who — like me and like my mother and like my grandmother – were never diagnosed.
Now, nearly 6 years after I lived through it, I wonder what we can do to change that. Is there a way to help more mothers? Is there a way to normalize this condition? I think there is.
First, I think medical professionals need to ask the right questions, and they need to ask them often. And, I believe, the right questions are:
- Do you ever have moments when you feel so overwhelmed with the job of being a mother that you wish you could just end it all?
- Do you feel like a bad mother?
- Do you feel like a failure?
- Have you ever wished that you could give the baby back?
- Have you ever thought about hurting your baby?
- Are you so exhausted that you can’t get out of a chair or off the floor?
- Do you feel embarrassed about your ability to be a good parent?
Second, I think we, as women, can help new mothers. Rather than putting them through the Baby Olympics (Is your baby sleeping through the night? Is your baby rolling over? Is your baby crawling yet? Is your baby talking yet?), why don’t we just compliment them? Why don’t we do something helpful, such as dropping off a week’s supply of frozen dinners or hiring them a cleaning service? Why don’t we talk about our own experiences? Why don’t we say things like, “Early motherhood was one of the hardest stages of my entire life. There were times when I wasn’t sure I was going to live through it. Honestly, I felt like such a failure. How are things going for you?”
I don’t know for sure that such things would solve the problem, but I think they would definitely help. What do you think?
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February 26th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Well, I’m on my fourth kid. He is 6 months old. I’ve been through a lot. Yet, it wasn’t until I answered “yes”, to all your “right” questions that I thought I ever had a problem. Though I don’t recall ever truly wanting to kill myself, I do remember thinking (often), “If I were dead, then you’ll see what I mean”, as Hubby snored his way through the nights of screaming kids and my broken heart. I also went through a period of, “My kids deserve so much better than me as a Mom”, to the point that I couldn’t look them in the eye. I even told my Hubby once that if he found another woman who could be a better mother for our boys, that I would walk away. Of course, now, it seems nuts. I love them all with everything that I am. I could never walk away from them, but at the time I thought, no, I knew they deserved someone who had patience and compassion and all the other things that seemed to have been sucked out of me with the birth of my last child.
I guess I never thought much of it, because it always passed. It passed much more quickly if Hubby was home and took care of things while I did anything that didn’t have to do with the house or kids. I too thought it was sleep deprivation, and nerves, and anything else that made one iota of sense. It is easy to write things off when it passes, but when you’re in it, and you’re so overwhelmed that you can’t see straight, it is the scariest thing ever. It is unbelievably frightening to think that you could even think about your kids that way, and the fact that you can just makes you really hate yourself and doubt yourself even more. I know this article will make many women realize they are not alone.
Thank You.
February 26th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
YES! So glad you’re talking about this. Add to the hormone issues a fussy or colicky baby and you have a recipe for shaken baby syndrome, neglect or abuse of your other children, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and guilt, and even increased risk of car accidents (or is it car ‘accidents’, like your mom?).
I always try to let new moms know that whatever they’re feeling is normal. Maybe not what they expected, but still normal. And offering help, meals, or a listening ear is the absolute BEST ways you can help.
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February 26th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Wonderful post, Alisa. And a dramatic story about your g.mother and mother.
I agree that this needs to be out in the open. I absolutely had PPD after both my sons were born; fleeting with my first but much more so with the second one, since I was so overwhelmed with now-two infants in the house (my kids are 18 mos. apart). But no one talked about it; no one recognized or defined it. Not even me. I knew something was wrong but didn’t know why. I got through it, but not without a tremendous amount of needless stress, self-doubt, self-hate, etc. I even partly blame my cancer diagnosis on it, since I’m convinced that all that stress lowered my immune system tremendously. That’s why I think it is so very important to recognize things like depression and get immediate help for it. There are too many lives at stake.
I’ll tune in to this program next week – looking forward to seeing you in it!
February 26th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Wonderful post and amazing stories about your grandmother and mother!
When I was in the hospital, my husband and I scoffed at having to watch a video about shaken baby syndrome. However, once my daughter started to cry at 12 days old and then kept crying 24 hours a day for 6 weeks, there were times when I told her how lucky she was to have us. I don’t know if I experienced PPD, but I was definitely overwhelmed and felt very alone and felt I wasn’t cut out for motherhood. Heck, sometimes I still feel that way. So glad you’re speaking out and educating other women. Will set my dvr to record!
February 26th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Never underestimate the power of sharing your experience with another mommy, because your story may just be the one she needs to hear to know that she is not a bad mommy and that she is not insane.
The best advice I ever got was from my step-mother-in-law, who I more lovingly call my friend-in-law and family therapist. When our some was 3 months old and going thru the cry at dinner time phase, every day like clockwork from 4pm-7pm, she told me to just put him in his crib and go outside and sit on the front porch step for 10 minutes. He was safe, he could exercise his little lungs, and I could allow myself to be free of the noise for 10 minutes.
What I appreciated even more was her courage in telling me that one time she did the exact same thing, only to see a tree mulching machine working in the neighbors yard. For a fleeting moment she thought “I wonder what would happen if I throw the baby and myself in there?” After an awkward pause, I laughed so hard I may have cried. She knew I just needed a girlfriend to give me some perspective and know that I too could make it through another day!
Alisa, thank you for your courage in sharing with other moms who need to hear it!!!!!!!!!
February 26th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
maybe I should clarify my m-i-law’s story of the tree mulcher was with her own baby, not mine!
February 26th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Wonderful post! Thank you so much for drawing attention to this topic!
I am so happy that you decided to do the documentary and other things to bring post-partum depression exposure. My mother suffered a severe case after giving birth to me. She attempted suicide and eventually had to be temporarily committed to a psychiatric ward for treatment. She recovered, but my family was not particularly supportive. They have criticized her as though it were her fault and jokingly told stories of having to “pass me around” from one family member to another to take care of me while she was in the hospital. People need to realize that post-partum depression is never the fault of the mother and that treatment is vital!
Encouraging other mothers and raising awareness about this illness is wonderful and I’m so happy you’ve taken the time to do it!
February 26th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
This post made me cry.
I haven’t been through post-partum depression as I haven’t had children, but I have had bouts of serious depression throughout my life–and it can be debilitating. Treatment is absolutely necessary.
I think recognizing and admitting that you have depression (regardless of the type) is the first step toward learning to live with it and recover from it.
I have been married almost a year now and everyone keeps asking “when are you having kids?” and to be honest, this (PPD) is one of the reasons I don’t want them–yet.
I think that having a baby would be the absolute best thing ever, but I KNOW (as best I can without being a mother myself) through stories and watching friends go through it–that the ADJUSTMENT of having a baby is often excrushiating. (Spelling?)
Obviously, PPD is more genetic and biological, but I think that even new ADOPTIVE parents can get PPD. And men can get it too. I don’t think you have birth a baby to wind up with PPD. It’s worse if you do, because of the hormones and stuff, but I just wanted to mention that. Adoptive parents and new fathers can have some forms of PPD–even if they’re not as recognizable or severe as mothers who have birthed babies.
Parenthood is without a doubt the single biggest LIFE change that a person can make. It doesn’t surprise me that 1 in 5 women get PPD, why wouldn’t they? Having a baby takes its toll on EVERYTHING–the body, a marriage, the mind…etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe babies are the greatest source of JOY and LOVE that I have personally ever known, and I’m not even a mother. But, with that joy and love comes everything else.
And I know that PPD can wipe away a woman’s love, joy and happiness when it comes to her baby.
I don’t judge that, and I realize that it’s a disease and a problem that CAN be rectified–usually.
As a non-mother, I see other mothers tearing each other down and judging each other so harshly when it comes to their children. There’s a fierce “mommy-war” going on and I find that incredibly sad.
I agree with you, why can’t women just support each other? I think often times, as great as husbands are, there’s nothing like another woman to understand you, empathize with you and uplift you.
I wish mothers would be open about post-partom depression and the REAL struggles that motherhood brings. I have seen this shift begin to happen in the last four or five years and I am so glad.
I NEVER bought into the “I had a baby and now my life is perfect and I am totally fulfilled and 110% happy!” thing. It just didn’t make sense to me.
I do believe women can be, and often are, VERY happy and fulfilled after having a baby, and I dothink having children can and often does complete you as a person. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning and teaches you so very much. You are forced to re-think everything and realize what’s truly important in life. Motherhood expands you and makes you even more of a woman. (Not saying women who don’t have children aren’t real women.) But, I just see mothers driving themselves crazy trying to hide the reality of motherhood and be “super-mommy,” especially in the beginning.
I am NOT saying that women with PPD are crazy, just as people with all kinds of depression are not crazy. It is a disease, it is an illness and it does need attention and treatment.
I applaud you greatly, Alisa, for being brave enough to be honest about your battle with PPD. For having the courage to share your journey, and the darkest parts of it. Having PPD does not make you a bad mother and it never makes a mother a bad mother.
I will be watching this special and looking forward to the many insights I’m sure I’ll gain as I watch.
The questions you asked for helping to diagnose PPD are so helpful, and the stories of your own mother and grandmother drive the entire point of this post home. Thank you for writing this, it is one of your best.
Good luck with the presentation and have a wonderful weekend!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
February 26th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
My mom did commit suicide in the year after my brother’s birth. I was 4. She was only 21, overwhelmed and with a husband who was cruel to her. I never really thought it might be postpartum until I experienced it with my own babies. I loved them like a lioness and still had thoughts of giving them back.
Thanks for bringing up this topic.
February 26th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
You’re doing it, Alisa – you’re doing it by standing up and saying me too. A lot of people look up to you, you’re an amazing success – it is critical that you say, ‘this happened to me, this is who I am.’ I compare it to Ellen being so openly gay. It lets the world know that normal and great people are also – PPD survivors or gay people…do you know what I’m saying?
I also suffered from PPD – and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (after my baby and I almost died during childbirth and she came out at 2lbs and had to be in the NICU for 2.5 weeks). It’s a horrible thing to go thru – and I wish, wish, wish there was a system in place to care for every single woman that gives birth.
Thank you for writing this…xox
February 26th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Because I’ve worked with a number of women who have post partum depression, I’ve renamed it for my own purposes as “post partum syndrome.” Medically that might not be appropriate, but as a counselor I’ve seen post partum struggles of different varieties. Some I would definitely call depression, some present more as irritability, some as an existential crisis. I’m sure there are more, as we are all individuals and manifest problems in our own unique way. Labels are tricky and I worry that depression brings up specific imagery, which might exclude more varied presentations. Great article!
February 26th, 2010 at 9:36 pm
I, too, applaud you for writing about this. I did not have it myself but a niece did. She tried to kill herself despite two darling little boys at home and a husband who loved her. I hope to be able to watch the documentary. Thanks for alerting your readers.
February 26th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
I wish I had known you better then, Alisa — I remember watching your babe’s early days at a distance, thinking something felt wrong, you seemed very alone — but didn’t really feel close enough to reach out or to know what to do, or even if I should do anything. But now I recall, you had been one of the thoughtful friends who had given me yummy dinner! Even before you were a mom yourself, you knew what to do! I wish I had had the presence of mind to return the favor. Instead, I bought some stupid lovey. Ha!
Reading this makes me remember my early days with both girls, sitting on the couch in the same pajamas for days on end, with my boob stuck out of my shirt, sweating, staring at the wall, not daring to move and disturb the milk-drunk child on my lap, to the point where my legs would fall asleep and my entire body ached with cramps. Why couldn’t I be the mom who was up and hiking around town in 3 days? Why couldn’t I be the mom who could pop the baby in the sling and bop around the farmer’s market and smile at the world? Instead, I felt frozen. And trapped. And guilt-ridden for feeling frozen and trapped.
Reading this also made me remember a fleeting thought after my first was born: “I could die now.” Almost like, right, I’ve fulfilled my genetic responsibility and I could simply slip away into another realm, not be a further bother to anyone. I remember thinking about this as a relief almost–the thought truly made me a bit happy. Perhaps it was a good thing I didn’t leave the house — no time behind the wheel for me!
Huge congrats on the special, Alisa. So so so happy for you, my dear friend–for this, and for everything.
February 26th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Solving the problem of post partum depression is like trying to find one pill that will fix all of menopausal symptoms for all women. It just won’t work. Hormones are very personal to the person involved.
I can’t believe that as little as six years ago, there wasn’t more being said about post partum. When I was a new mom 24 years ago, all my doctor said when I’d go see him is: “well, you look great’. My response: Duh! I’m vain. I’m not about to walk out of my house looking the way I feel – I’d scare all those expectant moms in your waiting room. And I’m sure no one wants to smell me since I haven’t had a shower in 3 – 5 days.
I got hit with what I’ll call a double whammy after my daughter was born. My mother had passed away nearly two years prior and we did NOT have a good relationship. I was so afraid of doing to my daughter what my mother had done to me – neglect and abuse. And then the crazy hormones and sleepless nights – oh my god!
I had two horrible thoughts during my post partum time: can I put her in the wood burning stove and will anyone notice the baby is missing? or what if I put her on the roof outside her bedroom window (she was born in February in Oregon – it was cold).
After months of these horrible thoughts and wondering why I didn’t want my daughter (I loved her to pieces, I just didn’t want her and I didn’t want to become my mother) I called my old counselor in CA. She had nearly grown or grown children, she would understand (there was no way in hell I was telling my step-mom or my mother-in-law about my thoughts). She said to me: “every mother feels this way at one time or another. Sleep whenever your daughter is sleeping – all the housework and laundry will still be there. Before you go to bed at night, make a thermos of herbal tea (peppermint or chamomile) and drink that when you’re feeding her in the middle of the night – it will calm your nerves and help you get back to sleep”.
I can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up with my daughter still in my arms, sitting in the chair I nursed her in. Yes, the laundry piled up, the house wasn’t clean, meals were cooked by my husband, etc. But I didn’t want to kill my daughter anymore. I was sleeping enough during her naps that I could even get in a shower most days.
I think the best way to help new moms is to just tell them outright – if you’re having horrible thoughts about your child – it’s normal! And friends and family should make more of an effort to be there to help with the house and meals. Let the mom care for her child, but the chores of the house should be done by others. And no one should ever tell the mom how to raise her kid. Guess what people that haven’t had babies or even experienced parents – each kid is unique as is each parent – let them raise their kid their way!
Once my girlfriends started having babies after me, I started a ritual. On the baby’s first birthday, I send a token gift to the child. But, I send a special gift to the mommy. Bubble bath, lotion, etc., with a note that says: “After the party, get hubby or someone to watch the baby and you go pamper yourself. Remember, just a year ago, you worked hard to get that baby out of your body. And you’ve had a rough year. Take time for yourself. YOU DESERVE IT!”.
I need to get a “care package” together. A friend is celebrating her child’s first birthday soon.
I didn’t turn out like my mom. And I’m thankful for the few people that did help me those first several months. Also, join a Mommy and me play group. You’re local YMCA should have them. I met other moms and we kept the group going long after the class ended.
Alisa, thank you for braving it and telling the world that post partum is real and it’s scary and it can be devastating. And I’m glad your mom didn’t find time to kill herself that day.
February 26th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
Well done, Alisa.
February 27th, 2010 at 12:56 am
you tell my story. daily!. but this especially. My daughter is just now 2 1/2 and i have just been medicated for depression/anxiety. I agree that sharing your tales with other moms is a great start, ‘normal’ isn’t what you see on tv, but so many of us are programmed to think that the happy mom on baby center is what we should be. phew.
There is PRE partum depression as well, something i suffered from and morphed into POST partum depression, that i continued to deal/suffer with until recently. I would be driving home from work while pregnant, a 45 minute commute, and think ‘if a semi truck crossed the median and killed this baby, i’d be ok. and if it killed me too – eh – no problem.’ To me that is not “thoughts of suicide” so if the question were ever posed to me “have you thought of hurting yourself?” I would say no. because the truth is i was fantasizing of others hurting me. I also had fantasies of falling down stairs (killing the baby, and me being fine), having her be still born, and of dying in labor.
after she was born – 2 weeks early and healthy, I called her “it,” “that thing,” and “the baby” for 8 weeks. I only fed her and changed her because i knew i had to – that’s what parents do. I understand the need/desire/want to shake a baby. I once, dropped her (6 inches) onto the bed and walked away. I wanted to smother her, and i would have been ok if she died of SIDS at that point. There were even moments that I just held her at arms length and screamed at her as she screamed at me and we cried at the same time.
^now to me, all of that, that’s not part of the definition of depression. Depression, i imagine, to most of us is: thoughts of suicide. It was to me. So when asked i marked the NO box also.
my husband, dear sweet sweet man…. he didn’t have any clue what to do. We call the pregnant lady the ‘pod person’ and she isn’t me…. but he didn’t know what to do with PP. so he gritted his teeth and bore it. I think that when you take child birthing classes there should be a part where they split the husbands and wives like in Health Class and go over signs, symptoms, and what to do’s. Then bring them together and go over it again. Education is a foundation to helping!
Doctors should ask the ‘right questions’, and they should ask them in person – not on a form. at the time I would NEVER write down for my permanent records that , YES – i want my baby dead.
People should talk about it. There’s no shame in telling my tale, My daughter is Alive, healthy, and pretty darn amazing! so I made it through – even though it took a total meltdown and me hitting a friend’s son (not hard, but I did scare him with a swat on the diaper) in public, to realize that I was in dire need of help.
It took me 3 years to seek help on my own. i wish my friends and family had been better educated, i wish my doctors had looked closer…. BUT i am a success story now, and I’ll tell any one about it.
February 27th, 2010 at 3:28 am
Going thru pregnancy nine months you think you call do all the reading to prepare you but then you are sent home from the hospital without a clue as to what you will be Feeling! Love,frustration, anxiety, fear, anger. If there could be some sort of support group (that new mommies can access to) so they know they are not alone.
Ever since I had my daughter, I feel as if “I have been wacked in the head”. I’m not the same person. I’m forgetful, my emotions are constantly on a roller-coaster. I have come to the conclusion, it’s motherhood?
Thanks for sharing your story Alisa.
Elisa´s last blog ..Thoughts of a 30-something woman
February 27th, 2010 at 7:35 am
This is a terrific post, Alisa, and I’m glad you shared your story.
I couldn’t agree more about new mothers helping each other by admitting it’s not all hearts and flowers. When I was just about to give birth to my first child, a friend of mine — who’d been struggling to get pregnant for years and went through several rounds of invitro — learned she and her husband would be adopting. Her baby girl was a little older than mine and when she came to see me a couple of months after I gave birth, she looked at me and said, “So…have you played let’s throw the baby out the window yet?”
She was kidding, of course, but in that single moment, she let me know that motherhood is not always easy, fabulous or natural. She opened the door to a conversation about how hard being a mom of a new baby can be. Knowing that she could feel that way — even after going through so much and wanting a baby so badly — helped me know that it was all OK. I will always be grateful to her for that and to repay that kindness, I make a point of sharing it with young mothers I know (when the time is right, of course). I can usually see the look of relief in their eyes.
I’m going to DVR the documentary!
Dara Chadwick´s last blog ..It’s Time for Some New Body Talk
February 27th, 2010 at 8:24 am
and it’s not just bio moms. this happens to adoptive moms as well – post-adoption depression. i came home with my second child, a daughter, in june 08. she was a difficult child to handle and i felt all my efforts were rejected. i was sad (oh so sad), tired, angry (rageful) and just felt awful and ashamed. it certainly did not help to have my family berate me for not liking my child – she’s so cute, beautiful, you’ve got everything you wanted. as it turns out, she has fetal alcohol syndrome and sensory issues (on top of her trauma issues from her early institutional life). knowing this has helped, but the depression! it’s just so scary to go through that and feeling so out of control as a result.
February 27th, 2010 at 9:17 am
What an important post this is! I did not experience PPD, but I agree that new motherhood is possibly the hardest thing to deal with – I can’t imagine how much more difficult it must be with PPD! We do need to support new moms more. I remember thinking on my first child’s first birthday that people ought to be giving ME presents! I felt like getting through that first year was the hardest thing I had ever done and maybe someone ought to recognize how hard it was and what a good job I did end up doing (not perfect, or even close, but I still thought I deserved a pat on the back!).
February 27th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Wow – lots of posts today! I too had PPD, which was at its worst with the birth of our last child. Interesting, my husband and I were just talking about this yesterday, sort of. After the birth of our third child I felt so depressed and out of whack I could not function very well. After a life of extreme busy-ness, staying at home full time with our third baby caused my life to slow down so much I had an opportunity to really pay attention to myself (in between nursing, changing, cooking, cleaning, laundry and tending to a 4 and 5 year old) and all the bad feelings that started even while I was pregnant with our third child. I was no longer this super working mom, volunteering all over the place and running a business. I was a disheveled, sleep deprived zombie. Most of what came out of my mouth during that time was “what’s the point?” or variations on that theme.
PPD is something that can cause alot of pain not only for the mother and her children, but for the husband too. It’s something he won’t experience in quite the same way. I hope your participation helps other mothers and their husbands.
Thanks for this post!
February 27th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
I was just thinking about how much PPD can affect a marriage.
Which then led me to think about how most everything in life CAN affect a marriage. There are so many components that go into making a marriage work, and parenthood is ultimately challenging on a marriage.
I think PPD would be devastating within a marriage and has a snowball affect on the entire family (other children, grandparents, close friends who are like family, etc.) and that is why I think it’s so wonderful that PPD is becoming a more open conversation.
Your blog is a obviously a marriage blog at its core, but when the thought dawned on me this morning that everything can affect a marriage–and often does–this post made even more sense.
It’s hard to keep a marriage together, running smoothly and when a couple become parents, I’ve heard it’s even harder. The demands of marriage (if you’re taking it seriously and have a desire to do it right) alone are enough without the added pressures of illness, kids, balancing their created family with their original one(s),etc.
But, my point here is that when a couple has the correct diagnosis, tools, resources and support to work through PPD, than ultimately, a battle with PPD can make a marriage stronger–in my opinion.
I think sharing the reality of PPD has the power to not only save lives (of new mothers & their children) but save marriages as well.
It’s just a thought, but I felt the need to share what came to mind.
Also, I have Post Partum Nightmares all set to record on my DVR!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. I’m not knocking marriage or parenthood, I think they’re great! I just know the realities of marriage now and can am thankful that I can be a little bit enlightened about the realities of parenthood before I embark on that part of my life too. Thank you!
February 27th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
I was just thinking about how much PPD can affect a marriage.
Which then led me to think about how most everything in life CAN affect a marriage. There are so many components that go into making a marriage work, and parenthood is ultimately challenging on a marriage.
I think PPD would be devastating within a marriage and has a snowball affect on the entire family (other children, grandparents, close friends who are like family, etc.) and that is why I think it’s so wonderful that PPD is becoming a more open conversation.
Your blog is a obviously a marriage blog at its core, but when the thought dawned on me this morning that everything can affect a marriage–and often does–this post made even more sense.
It’s hard to keep a marriage together, running smoothly and when a couple become parents, I’ve heard it’s even harder. The demands of marriage (if you’re taking it seriously and have a desire to do it right) alone are enough without the added pressures of illness, kids, balancing their created family with their original one(s),etc.
But, my point here is that when a couple has the correct diagnosis, tools, resources and support to work through PPD, than ultimately, a battle with PPD can make a marriage stronger–in my opinion.
I think sharing the reality of PPD has the power to not only save lives (of new mothers & their children) but save marriages as well.
It’s just a thought, but I felt the need to share what came to mind.
Also, I have Post Partum Nightmares all set to record on my DVR!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. I’m not knocking marriage or parenthood, I think they’re great! I just know the realities of marriage now and am thankful that I can be a little bit enlightened about the realities of parenthood before I embark on that part of my life too. Thank you!
February 27th, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Dara – your story is exactly the type of conversation my girlfriends and I would have…sometimes it feels like you have to keep these things kept in a secret society, because what would everyone else think of us?
February 27th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Although I did not have PPD with my child, I remember my sister-in-law suffering after my neice was born. Our family really worked with her to offer support and help her. That with her doctor and medication is what she tells us got her through that time, she says.
One reason that I think that women have a hard time realizing that they have PPD is that doctor’s don’t see women until 6 weeks after the baby is born. That means that new mom’s need to seek out doctor’s help and most don’t because they don’t even realize there is anything wrong.
February 27th, 2010 at 4:54 pm
One thought that comes to mind as I read the comments is how we must form an extended support group for new moms. Many of us don’t have mothers or in-laws who are willing or able to provide support. We need to rely on friends, older moms, new moms, and women aren’t moms to be there to help out when the sleep deprivation gets overwhelming, when a new mom hasn’t showered in 3 days and when she feels like killing her husband because he’s leaving for work. Society doesn’t have this built in anymore. We have to create it.
February 27th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Bravo m’dear. You have guts to share but sharing helps. I saw the clip of you on their website. I will look to find you and see the whole show.
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February 27th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Bravo to you and to all the brave women who face PPD and speak up to help others. I just watched the promo reel and was gripped. I have never given birth but hearing you and the other woman featured talk about your experiences that will be featured on that segment was very powerful. I trust that the show’s airing will help many by enabling more women (and men) to identify what is going on and that they are not alone.
February 27th, 2010 at 9:58 pm
Thank you so much for writing this post and for opening up the discussion. Even though I now know I was depressed right after my 2nd child, I still question whether or not it was PPD. Until now. Reading these comments hits so close to home for me, and makes me more sure that is what it was. I started a blog thepranamama.com as a way to talk about how motherhood is not always easy or happy, and to remind moms to take care of themselves on a regular basis. Had I done this, I may not have been so miserable for 18 months before I finally sought professional help. I remember telling a friend “I feel like I’ve gotten myself into something I can’t get out of.” And your story of your mother and grandmother reminds me of my grandmother – there is a story in my family about how my grandmother was once bathing her 2 children (only 14 months apart) and she thought to herself “I could just hold them underwater and they’d be gone in an instant.” Unfortunately, I live in a family where no one talks about these things as anything other than a joke, and so I never realized that would make me more at risk for hereditary PPD.
I will look for the documentary – it is so important to talk about PPD and bring it out in the open.
February 28th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
It’s such an misunderstood condition that so many mothers have had to struggle with feeling alone. Very good information and I hope your able to share it with more women my daughter had five children and two step children, thus she had this experience twice and it’s never easy.
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..Share more time with your family it’s healthy
February 28th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
Alisa, thanks for helping to give PPD more attention. I have tears in my eyes remembering my wife’s struggles after the birth of our first child. We were lucky to have a good support system and made it through. I hope lots of women have a chance to see the show and that real discussion happens in the homes that view it.
February 28th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
I appreciate your bravery. Thank you for sharing your family history and fears. We, as women, need this story told and re-told and re-told until post partum becomes something that women are not afraid to discuss, accept, and help each other through without judgment. It would most definitely help.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:23 am
I just saw the show and it did spur discussion between my husband and I regarding my very similar experiences after the birth of my first child, 14 years ago. I don’t think you can adequately understand the depth of the pain unless you’ve been there. Husbands, mostly through no fault of their own, don’t get it either. There is never a more alone feeling in the world. Personally, I just wanted to escape. I never thought about harming my daughter, but did entertain lots of fantasies or running away…like you can somehow run away from what’s inside your own head. I think about those times and wonder how I made it through. Only because I wanted so badly to be a good mom and give her what she deserved I guess…I kept trying, going to doctors, psychiatrists, until I found one that prescribed Prozac (by this time my daughter was a year old)…and that was finally just the beginning of the road to recovery. It at least let me think a little more clearly so I could try and address my problems.
The word needs to be spread far and wide. New moms need to not be afraid to speak up (I sure was, I painted on the smile for family like everything was fine then went in the bedroom and curled in a fetal position)…New dads have to be made aware and not afraid to step up and get their wives help when they may not be able to do it themselves.
So much needless suffering…Certainly about time awareness was raised.
Thank you Alisa!
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:25 am
Thank you so much. Tonight I watched your story on Postpartum Nightmares, and there was mine. I am 39, and I have two daughters from my first marriage, 20 and 17. No problems with them at all. In 2007 I delivered my third daughter and by all accounts, I was a seasoned mother and things should have been fine. I cried all the time and when she was 3 months old, I told my husband I wanted to kill myself, and I meant it. When she would cry I would have that “prickly” sensation all over my body, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. No sleep, no help from husband or family, and a full time job. I straddled psychosis but eventually pulled myself back into depression, and stayed there. When she was 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant, and I wasn’t happy about it. I was still struggling, and I pretty much begged my husband to let me give the baby up for adoption. When he was born, things hit a new low. I was now alone caring for two babies, deeply depressed, working part-time and just trying to get out of bed in the morning. I screamed at them constantly and begged them to shut up. Now my daughter is 2 1/2 and my son is 14 months, and I’m still struggling. I don’t have insurance, so I’m pretty much hoping to wait it out. Maybe someday I’ll be my old self again and see that life has some worth.
March 9th, 2010 at 2:31 am
I am nowhere near having a child, but I really appreciate your transparency in this post. I feel more knowledgeable about some women’s experiences and encouraged to ask my mother if she ever had these feelings to know whether or not I may be at risk. Thank you so much for your continual honesty. You have such a great way of helping all of us to feel validated in our emotions and experiences. You are a gem, and quite a mother from what I have read.