A Reader Participation Post
I’m waaay behind on reader questions. I mean, waaaaaaay behind. So I’m going to try to catch up by doing a few this week, starting with this one, which came in nearly a month ago.
Q: My husband believes strip clubs aren’t cheating. I believe they are. He even says that lap dances aren’t cheating, even though he doesn’t want me to dance with other men because he believes that IS cheating. I asked him how having a naked woman sitting on his lap is any different than me dancing fully clothed with a man. He said it is different because I’m initiating it. I don’t like imagining some girl dancing all up on him. The idea of it really bothers me. I told him as much, so he promised to honor my wishes and never go to a strip club or get a lap dance, even though he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with either. I’ve been having trouble handling this. I can’t even bring up the subject without getting mad, and I can’t get rid of the thought of some girl dancing on him. How can I stop thinking about this? I believe I’m the one who needs to deal with this, but I don’t know how. Help! — Can’t Stop Thinking About the Lap Dance
Readers: Do you have advice for Can’t Stop Thinking? This is what I’m thinking:
1. I can’t think of a greater act of love than for your husband to agree not to do something ONLY because you find that something offensive. Honey, this guy loves you. Feel good about it.
2. I know this is going to sound like the strangest advice you’ll ever get, but I highly recommend going to a strip club — with your husband — and asking for a lap dance. It will help you to see that the women are actresses. They have no interest in the men there–other than what’s in their pockets (and I’m talking about money, not lint). Also, for most men, strip clubs serve as a male bonding ritual, very similar to the nature of book club for most women. Of course, there are those slimy old geezers who go because it’s the only way they will ever get a glimpse of a naked lady, but your man doesn’t fall into that category. For more about lap dances, you might want to read what happened when I got one.
3. To stop obsessing about it, do Black and White breathing. Whenever you find those obsessive “I CAN’T BELIEVE HE THINKS STRIP CLUBS ARE NO BIGGIE!” thoughts coming on, breathe them out your nose in the form of black smoke. Alternatively, you can just say to yourself, “Not thinking about that right now” and force yourself to stop. At first, it will be a challenge. Overtime, you’ll get better at it.
Okay, readers, it’s your turn. What should Can’t Stop Thinking do? Remember: be gentle. Be kind. There’s enough room on this blog for differences of opinion, but there is no room for nastiness.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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I can see this as being an issue, not because of the technicalities of cheating, but simply because she’s uncomfortable. We can try to rationalize this in that “the strippers see it as a job, nothing more”, but speaking personally, that wouldn’t be what made me so uncomfortable. What would make me uncomfortable is, HE’S getting excited by her. He went there for the sole purpose of having a naked woman grinding on his crotch, brushing her breasts against his face – there’s no way he’s not getting a hard-on from that. And that, that he does that, makes me very uncomfortable. If he thinks it’s no biggie that he can get a hard-on from an actual woman touching him, even though he’s got clothes on and she doesn’t, then I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I went up on stage and stripped for a whole room of men and got turned on from getting compliments all night long about being hot, because hey, it’s no biggie if they look as long as they don’t touch. Sure, getting a lap dance boosts his self-esteem. Well, being called hot or beautiful boosts mine. In the end, we’re both being selfish, because we’re not being respectful to each other’s limits. It’s good that OP’s husband agreed not to go; it shows a respect for her. A respect that more relationships need these days, imho. They talked about it, they’ll probably talk about it some more, but the point is, they’re doing it together, as a team.
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