How to Accept Defeat with Dignity
a.k.a.
The Showdown at the Gas Pump
a.k.a.
The Karma Project
I haven’t written about my Karma Project in a while. That’s mostly because I fell off the Karma wagon. What can I say? I got busy. I stopped going to my Dharma class. I gave up meditating.
“So what?” I thought. “Big deal,” I thought. “I’ll work on karma some other time,” I thought.
Then my life spiraled out of control. I had a meltdown in an elevator. This caused me to have one of those deep, heartfelt talks with myself. It went like this: “If you don’t go back to that Dharma class, you will have no friends and your family will disown you.”
So I recommitted. I went back to class, started meditating daily, and forced myself to continually wish happiness to others, especially people I didn’t care for all that much.
It helped. I haven’t kicked an elevator door in at least a month.
About two weeks ago, though, my Dharma teacher really took it up a notch. Whenever I found myself in conflict with someone else, she challenged me to give that person the gift of my own defeat. That’s right. She suggested I voluntarily back down, surrender, and offer the victory to the other side.
I was to do this just because I could.
At first I thought it was an insane idea: How can I accept defeat if I’m right? What if the other person is just wrong, wrong, wrong? More important, am I supposed to give others whatever they want? That’s like being a doormat. And won’t people take advantage of me? What if someone tells me she wants my house? Am I just supposed to hand it over and voluntarily live in a cardboard box instead?
But then I thought: “Everything else she’s taught me has worked. Every other piece of advice this woman has given me has allowed me to live a happier life.”
So I decided to try it, just for a couple weeks, though.
At first, it was easier than expected. Someone would want me to do something that I didn’t want to do or that I didn’t think was fair and I’d say out loud, “I am accepting defeat. I hand over the victory.” Poof. I stopped struggling. I no longer cared about the fairness of the situation. I became immensely satisfied that I could so easily make someone else happier, just by being agreeable. I never knew that a surrender could be so sweet.
Then the universe sent me a harder challenge. It happened one day last week when I pulled into the cheapest gas station in town. Each and every pump had a line of about four waiting cars.
“Oh, well, I’ll make the best of this,” my newly calm karmic self actually said. I pulled into line, found a good song on the radio and patiently waited and waited and waited.
Finally, it was my turn. I pulled up to the pump and got out. The next thing I knew, a woman in an SUV the size of Texas pulled up to my front bumper.
“I know she isn’t thinking of staying there,” I thought. “Because just because she’s driving the biggest vehicle in the solar system doesn’t mean she’s going to intimidate the likes of me. Who is she? Stupid? Doesn’t she realize that I can’t move forward with her House On Wheels parked right there? I know she doesn’t think that I’m going to back up to get out of here. I know she better not be thinking that.”
I must have said some of this out loud because the person pumping gas on the other side of the island gave me one of those “Why Do They Always Have To Release the Psychiatric Patients This Time of Year?” looks.
My tank was full. I slowly walked over to the driver’s side of the car, all the while glancing out of the corner of my eye at the House on Wheels woman.
Not backing up. Not backing up. No, I. Am. Not. Backing up!
My Dharma teacher must have been meditating on me right at that moment, though, because I heard her voice in my head.
“Why would it be such a bad thing to just accept defeat and back up?”
Why? Because! It’s not fair! I was here first! It’s the principle of the matter! Just because she has the biggest car on in the solar system doesn’t mean she can go around intimidating small-car-driving people. If I don’t stand up to this woman, who will?
“If you say so,” my imaginary dharma teacher said. “But she might just be a gift, one that was sent to help you grow in your dharma.”
A gift?
No. No way.
Okay, maybe she is.
But I’m not ready for this gift yet. Obviously. Obviously not ready. Because. No. Way. Am. I. Backing. Up.
I was in the driver’s seat now. My seat belt was on. I braced myself for the standoff. If it was necessary, I was willing to sit there all day long if that’s what it took to force House on Wheels lady to put her House on Wheels in reverse.
But I didn’t need to sit there all that long.
It didn’t even take a minute.
It might not have even taken a few seconds.
Almost as soon as I turned the key in the ignition, she put her House on Wheels in reverse, backing up just enough for me to get through. I think she might have smiled and waved at me.
That’s when I realized that she’d never intended on forcing me to back up. I’m guessing that her tank is on the driver’s side of the car, but all of the 60 million cars that were at the gas station that day must have been pumping gas into tanks on the passenger sides. So all of the cars at all of the pumps were facing the wrong way. And she apparently was not all that adept at putting her House on Wheels in reverse. Is anyone adept at doing such a thing? Who could blame her?
So she needed to pull in, which meant that she’d had no other choice than to patiently park her House on Wheels in front of me.
She’d probably picked me because I’d looked like the nicest person at the gas station that day. She’d probably felt uncomfortable the entire time, too, worrying about what I might be thinking about her trying to pull forward into a pump that I would eventually want to pull forward out of.
And so it was, during that moment of clarity, that I knew my Dharma teacher’s disembodied voice had been right. It would not have been a big deal to just Accept Defeat and back up. If anything? Accepting defeat would have given me that good feeling one gets when one has been kind to someone else.
I wouldn’t have felt the crappy feeling one feels when one thinks a bunch of horrible things about someone who really isn’t all that horrible in the first place. Don’t you think?
So I decided to try a bit harder. I pledged that next time there is a showdown at the gas pump, I will accept defeat with dignity. I will put my car in reverse faster than you can say, “Surrender.”
Tomorrow: Part 2 of this saga, about how I learned how to Accept Defeat while cooking pancakes. Stay tuned because it has implications for all marriages everywhere. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. Let’s make this a great year.
Coming soon: December’s Reader of the Month will be announced.
Did you notice? I added a frequent commentor dodad to the sidebar. I also added a calendar that should make it a little easier to search the Project Happily Ever After archives, assuming you have a lot of time on your hands and feel the need to do such a thing.
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Tags: karma project, law of karma
January 4th, 2010 at 11:52 am
Back when I was planning our wedding, I got into this habit, actually. Every time I addressed someone, sought out some service or another, they expected me to be high strung and high maintainence, because I was a BRIDE(zilla?). But I made it a point to be perfectly pleasant and … surrendering. It served me well when our organist was incredibly late to a meeting (I was annoyed that he wasn’t there, but the minute he showed up) there were apologies all around. Our calmness put him at ease, and we were able to have a productive meeting.
Still works. Waiting four hours to have my wisdom teeth pulled, because they were dealing with an emergency — it’s usually more stressful for the person who is running late than the person who is waiting.
January 4th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
It’s funny how we seem to learn the same things at the same time. Yesterday I went to the grocery store with the 2 year old. It was freezing and he’s a runner and escape artist, so my habit is to leave him in the cart while I load the car and then take the cart to the corral and carry him back to the car.
(Side note: normally I park right next to a cart corral even if it means I have to walk but all those spots were taken probably by able bodied people without small children who clearly parked there just to spite me)
When I walk up with my groceries, there was an empty cart sitting right behind my van and a guy emptying his groceries from another cart into his trunk. I spent the entire time unloading the cart scowling about how stupid everyone was and what a pain in the butt it was going to be to push two carts to the corral since I couldn’t nest them in each other and other assorted grumblings.
Then I shut the trunk and turn around and there’s the guy. With his cart and the empty one, waiting in the bitter cold for me to finish so he can take my cart back for me.
January 4th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
You need a like button! Thumbs up for this post.
January 4th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
It is funny that we often assume people have the worst intentions. Where do we learn that? Life lessons?
My default setting is to assume that people are just like me on the inside. What are my intentions? I know that if I cut someone off in traffic, I didn’t mean to do it. Maybe I was distracted or my timing was off. I don’t do things to piss other people off or get in the way. I don’t intentionally assert my presence in a way that says I am more important. But some people think I’m a jerk at some point in my day to day activities. It sucks. I wish people gave me the benefit of the doubt. I wish people didn’t assume the worst about my intentions.
I make every effort to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m not perfect. I’m sure I’ve gotten mad at someone that meant well. But assuming that people are as good-intentioned as I am helps me be able to forgive and forget.
January 4th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Love the way you write! Next time I feel the urge not to be someone’s doormat bubbling up inside me, I’ll remember this post and try to apply what you learned. Looking forward to Part II.
January 4th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
I have not commented before, but in the last two months, I have enjoyed reading your blogs. I have found them to be helpful and informational. This post goes along with the “being the better person.” I have tried that many times and found it helpful, in both my marriage and work life. Although hard for me (I am the person who always has to be right and have the last word), I have found that it has helped me be more relaxed and is helping me become happier.
I will definitely try to give in to defeat more easily in order to become a bit happier. I can’t say that I will do this often(although my hubby would love me to). But I will when I feel that I can. With a two year old in the house, I know that I have to hold my ground on many of tantrum issues around here in order to make HER a better person.
January 4th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
I totally believe in sometimes just letting the other person be stupid and have it their way (ok, probably not the way to think about it), but I would have a hard time backing down over something important where I was right and the person was wrong and it had some big impact on my life.
January 4th, 2010 at 9:21 pm
oh! How I would have done the exact same thing. It’s like I need to have the last word. Oh, and to be exonerated. I don’t just have to win – I want everyone involved to bow down and declare how right I am and how wrong they are.
That looks bad on paper – and I’m willing to try your backing down ‘thing’ – but you have to admit, Alisa – this fire in our bellies has gotten us fairly far.
(Love and kisses, the little red devil on your left shoulder)
January 4th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Ah, Julie, my little grasshopper. Patience. All will be revealed in future posts.
January 4th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
I’ll be interested to read tomorrow’s post because while I agree that this is a good way to go in short-term relationships, it seems to me that there’s a tension between this and speaking your voice in long term relationships.
Maybe it’s that you truly give your loss as a gift rather than with seething resentment? I’ll be interested to find out.
January 4th, 2010 at 11:54 pm
Oh man! This story was intense enough that I stopped breathing in the middle.
Isn’t it funny how the world likes to twiddle your temper?
January 5th, 2010 at 3:47 am
I don’t practice Dharma, but I do *try* to follow Jesus’ instruction to turn the other cheek, give your cloak along with your tunic, and walk two miles for every mile you’re forced to walk one. (Of course I don’t own a cloak or a tunic, but that’s another matter…) Some days I feel great about my progress, and on other days I feel like the Lord must really be looking down on me and shaking his head in sadness. But that’s life, I suppose: a continual process of learning and growing!
January 5th, 2010 at 10:03 am
OMG That is exactly what would’ve been going through my mind. Sigh…..I need to have a meditation teacher too.
January 5th, 2010 at 11:08 am
I try everyday to back down and accept defeat. I used to get really stressed out driving to work. Now I slow down to merging traffic instead of trying to out run them, I let the person in who is trying to cut in the lane instead of tailgating the car in front of me, I try really hard not to get angry at slow people in the fast lane. I do all this and when someone doesn’t show me courtesy I get angry all over again. Accepting defeat for me is very difficult but when I see that by me backing down I have made someone’s day…. well then its worth it.
January 5th, 2010 at 11:50 am
This reminds me of being in the 10 item express line at the checkout counter and the person in front of me has 15 items. I have a “LOVE” sticker on my back windshield. It is there to remind me that I need to love others. I find this challenging at times. When I feel like I’m heading down the angry, unforgiving highway, I sometimes am able, with God’s help, to ask myself, does this really matter in the grand scheme of things? And hopefully, I answer, “Nah”. I think that my anger is born out of fear. Fear that I am being taken advantage of, fear that I will get hurt….etc. I don’t feel good when I express anger at others. I do feel good when I set boundaries so that I will not allow others to take advantage of me.
January 18th, 2010 at 1:46 am
Wow…
This entry reminds me of how truly trivial we can all be at times. My trigger is the grocery line when I want to get in and out and some *person*
cuts me off at the self-checkout line. GRRRRRR!!!!! Clearly I am not graceful at these times. I will pat myself on the back and say I have improved VASTLY since my teenage years though.