Comments on: How to Accept Defeat, Part 3

By: Wambui

Wambui — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 11:18:54 +0000

What a coincidence for me to have stumbled upon your blog. Better yet I went to the archives and these first few blogs are actually speaking to a current situation between me and my boyfriend. I am the person that has to have the last word… that has to be right most of the times, that is ready to dish it but can’t take it. Unfortunately for me, I am now a little enlightened and I know better so am accountable to myself before I can be accountable to others. I will try to loose with dignity and really truly let it go. Thanks Alisa for your wonderful blog. I will keep reading so help me God

By: Zara

Zara — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 19:08:59 +0000

I like this post very much. It addresses a problem I have been facing for about a year. I guess the only good response at this stage is “no response”, which you have chosen. Starting an argument with someone who doesn’t want to listen or understand is stupid. We all, in our “non-englightened” minds can agree to it.
xxx
However, if you take the other person’s point of view, you can come to quite interesting ideas:
1) maybe this person just didn’t understand your advice, misinterpereted it, and so it was of no use to them – then, there comes the following question: Could you have formulated your advice in a way that would enable this person benefit from it?
2) maybe, the situation of this person is so bad, or so different from any other similar situations, that mild advice seems just ridiculous. Strong negativity may show that the person is trying to cope with a very negative situation, and hasn’t found anyone who would provide useful advice yet. I HOPE THE SITUATION OF THIS PERSON WILL IMPROVE SOON. Sometimes people find themselves in situations which can’t be solved by reading internet blogs, neither by consulting anyone available. I HOPE THIS PERSON WILL FIND A PEACEFUL MIND TO FIND THEIR OWN UNIQUE CREATIVE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM WHICH THEY ARE TRYING TO SOLVE. It’s easy for me to say, I know, since I am not involved personally.
xxx
thanks for the interesting post
negativity isn’t always bad
but I do get upset as well when I am misunderstood
even though I know how important it is for me is NOT TO get upset…
because I know that if I don’t get upset I will be able to fight negativity better…
well, it’s a long way to go, at least for me

By: Scott

Scott — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 18:28:42 +0000

It seems to be a very nice blog you run.

Incidentally, there’s a book I read about two years ago that addressed such a concern- how to assert your right to, say, your own right arm. It was called The Power of a Positive No, (William Ury), and endeavored to demonstrate that a person could, indeed, dissent without being a jerk.

In summary, the prescribed process has three parts: Affirm your positive intent; Say no; Describe and cultivate an alternative.

Of course, this is to grossly oversimplify, but a further preview of the book can be found here:

http://books.google.com/books?id=fYmjQrHcH0IC&lpg=PP1&dq=The%20power%20of%20a%20positive%20no&pg=PP6#v=onepage&q=&f=false

It is, I think, a fascinating question. Best of luck.

By: OneHotTamale25

OneHotTamale25 — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 07:17:57 +0000

Alisa, I appreciate you acknowledging part of the ease being found in the fact that the writer of the article was largely nameless and faceless for you. I definitely commend your behavior. I like to believe I would take the same approach to a nameless faceless critic (after a bit of mulling over ripping his heart out of his chest via my written retort). Had that been my husband saying such a thing — Internet or otherwise — I am quite certain I would have needed to revisit your pancake defeat before I could even sit in the same room with him!

It is my belief that choosing not to retaliate gives us the opportunity to be mindful of all the different things that could impact the words and deeds of others. Perhaps that person really does not like your blog, and that is fine. Or, perhaps that person just had a really bad day and you got the short end of the projected emotion stick. Perhaps that woman did have bad intentions toward you at the gas pump. Or perhaps (as you found) she had none and just wanted to be a responsible driver. Perhaps the person who cuts me off at the grocery store is an explicative. Or perhaps the person has more pressing matters than I that are at the forefront of the mind and prevented the person from even realizing s/he was cutting in line. Every coin has two sides.

By: Casey

Casey — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 18:07:41 +0000

You did the right thing. I have learned a lot lately to pick your battles is it worth the stress of the whole situation? Usually it’s not so I just grin and bear it. But when It is kick some ass…

By: Alisa

Alisa — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 12:26:50 +0000

KCL–That’s an interesting take, that I might owe it to the universe (so to speak) to continually speak my truth. To answer your question about Mr. Pants, I’d said that it’s difficult to remain attracted to one’s partner after many years, that attraction wanes for most people. He took issue with this, basically saying that there was something wrong with people who were no longer attracted to their spouses, that they are really still attracted to their spouses but they don’t know it because they keep telling themselves that they are not. I’m not sure if I’m paraphrasing him well, but I can say this. He and I? We come from two different planets. I don’t think I could ever get him to see things my way because he refuses to admit that marriage could ever be hard. It would be like a democrat and a republican arguing about social reform. Just. Not. Evah. Gonna. Agree. Anyway, it occurred to me that leaving any comment on his blog would end up starting up a long running argument between us. And, when I checked my intention, it really wasn’t noble.

By: kcl

kcl — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:03:22 +0000

Alisa, I think you showed remarkable restraint in not commenting on Mr. Smarty Pants’s blog post. I don’t see what would’ve been wrong about your responding that you were sorry he didn’t agree with your advice—there’s nothing obviously sarcastic or snarky about that. You would be within your rights to point out that the advice you gave has in fact helped improve your marriage and that the readers of your blog leave comments to the effect that your advice helps their relationships as well. These things are just truths, not negative reflections on Mr. Pants. No reason you shouldn’t put the truth out there at every possible opportunity. I’d also be interested to know on what Mr. Pants based his assertion that your advice was bad. Did he have any evidence—even anecdotal—to support that? Or was it just his opinion? I think that would be a fair question to ask. If there is such a thing as karma, shouldn’t responding to his knee-jerk reaction with your own thoughtful, measured one set you up for additional measured thoughts being directed toward you?

By: Meredith Resnick - The Writer's [Inner] Journey

Meredith Resnick - The Writer's [Inner] Journey — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 04:14:31 +0000

“Wisdom says that you don’t give away more than you have to give.” So true. And we mess ourselves up when we think it’s actually possible to even think we can!
.-= Meredith Resnick – The Writer’s [Inner] Journey´s last blog ..I am in a relationship with money whether I want to believe it or not. =-.

By: Sheryl

Sheryl — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 23:01:05 +0000

I think you did what works best for you – bravo – and it is very similar to what (I’ve learned over the years; it took me so long to learn) I’d do now.

It’s the same with forgiveness -I’m trying very hard to learn to forgive, and it’s more for myself than for the other person.

So many times I’m tempted to lash out or seek revenge after being hurt. But I think about how I will feel about myself afterwards (lousy) and how that only brings me down to the level of the other person (lousier). And waiting a day or two does wonders to resist the urge. And somehow I walk away feeling noble and wiser.

By: Edgy Mama

Edgy Mama — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 18:07:28 +0000

Good thinking and not acting out, Alisa. I wish more people had your sense (and sensibilities). I go through a similar thought process on a regular basis (the negative side of being a weekly newspaper columnist). I tend either to ignore the dis, or respond, if appropriate, positively. All decisions are based on the specific situation. In this situation, I think you did well.