a.k.a.
How Pancakes Made Me Realize I Should Serve Flemish Sour at My Husband’s Funeral
a.k.a.
The Karma Project
It was Saturday morning, and I was making pancakes and bacon. The bacon was for my daughter and my husband. They love it, so I make it for them on the weekends when I have 20 spare minutes to stand in front of the stove to make sure I cook it extra crispy (as my husband prefers) without accidentally burning it.
The pancakes were for my daughter. I was making those in a tiny nonstick pan. It’s the only nonstick pan that we own. It’s large enough to make just one pancake at a time. Yes, it’s a little tedious, but that didn’t bother me because I was feeling good about myself for making the extra effort to make my family happy.
I’m sure you understand.
Anyway, I squirted the pan with cooking spray and poured in the batter to make the first pancake, and that’s when the marital discord happened.
“You don’t need to spray that pan. They won’t stick to that pan.” It was my husband’s voice.
Now, to understand why this was the worst possible thing he could say to me that morning, you must understand something about me and something about him. First, me. I don’t take well to unsolicited advice. I much prefer to learn things the hard way. Ah, heck, might as well just say it. Back seat comments of any kind—about my driving, about my cooking, about anything—drive me to the Planning the Funeral Place. I’m sure it has something to do with my genetics.
My husband? He just looooves to tell other people what to do. The first time I drove with him in the passenger seat, we were just dating. I made it about 10 miles with his “you don’t need to press the brake pedal right now” and “you should really pass this guy” comments before I pulled over, got out, and told him he’d better shut up and drive if he ever wanted to arrive at our destination while he was still alive.
I haven’t driven a car with him in it since, if you minus out the summer his right leg was in a cast and the nine months when I was pregnant and therefore was the default designated driver.
Not long ago, I threatened to stop cooking, too, if he didn’t stay out of the kitchen. He straightened himself out real fast after that threat, that’s for sure. It’s one thing to complain about how someone else cooks. It’s quite another to cook all the meals for a family of three yourself.
So the pancake comment? It was an anomaly. He hadn’t backseat cooked in a long while.
Still, my body stiffened, and my mind went to the “what beer will I be serving at his funeral?” place.
This was worsened by the fact that my husband refused to leave the kitchen. He hovered right behind me, watching me, just to see if I’d dare to spray the pan again after he’d just told me that I didn’t need to do it.
Let me tell you. I really thought about spraying that pan. Oh, I so wanted to spray the pan. So, so wanted.
But, then I decided, just to get him out of the kitchen, that I’d make one crappy pancake without spraying that crappy pan. Then the crappy pancake would stick to the crappy pan and that would teach him about his crappy advice.
Yes, that’s what I would do.
I poured in the batter.
I flipped the pancake.
It didn’t stick.
In my mind? I said something that I can’t type here. I can’t type it here because what I said in my mind would definitely offend someone. The rated G version is this: He was right? He was right?! Not fair! Not. Not. Fair!
You want know what I did next? I mentally pledged to keep this little revelation about him being right to myself. Yes, that’s what I did.
About an hour later, though, breakfast was done. The dishes were washed, and I was thinking about Accepting Defeat.
Dang it all!
He was reading the paper.
I took a deep, deep, deep, deep breath. I exhaled.
“It’s now or never,” I told myself.
I walked over to him. I sat down. I put my palm on his thigh, and I said, “I was really irritated with you for back seat cooking in there…”
“I was backseat cooking? What did I say?”
“It was about not spraying the pan. But…”
“Oh, I’m so sorry! It must have slipped out…”
“Honey?”
“Yes?”
“I’m not mad at you now. I just wanted to tell you that, um. Okay, this is difficult. I just wanted to tell you? You were right. I didn’t need to spray the pan. I am accepting defeat. I was wrong. I hand you the victory. You were right. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with me.”
He smiled, and he kissed me on the cheek.
Can I just tell you how good that felt? It felt so, so good. Admitting that he was right felt way better than all of the times that I’ve been right and he’s been wrong. It was freeing. It was then that I realized that the ability to Accept Defeat and Hand Over the Victory is not something anyone does out of weakness.
It’s not about coercion. It’s not about being a doormat. It’s not about giving in.
It’s about being strong. It’s about putting aside that ego and saying, “Self, I am going to allow myself to make someone else happy. Just because I can.”
It’s quite powerful.
Now, I know that some of you are thinking, “But what if the pancakes had stuck to the unsprayed pan. Then what?”
In other words, what if I’m not wrong. What if am right, right, right? Do I still accept defeat, even then? That, my friends, it the topic of tomorrow’s post.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, my goodness. I teared up reading this. I need to get stronger to handle this kind of karma. And now I’m scared. I’m thinking since I’ve read this I’m now accountable and I’m going to be tested on it. Heaven help me!
Thank you for having this blog!
SOOOOOO great! I swear to god that I just rode the emotional rollercoaster of that post with you! Can’t wait for tomorrow. (and good for you for not hitting him over the head with that frying pan). Though I do have to say, the fact that you did what you did in the car when you were only dating – and that he, obviously, loved that about you and married you? Well, that really does say something. (Like: the man’s got balls)
I love your stories. So real and so hilarious. They just go to show that real life often provides you with the most original content you can get.
I definitely agree that surrendering the victory takes strength and not weakness. Way to go!
.-= Kathleen Quiring´s last blog ..What is the Point of Marriage? Part 3: To Teach Us About God =-.
I wish this blog had existed twenty-five years ago when my first husband and I were having problems.
I would have felt the same way. But you probably accepted defeat better than I. Can I just say – I always spray the nonstick pans. So there.
Are you sure you’re not married to MY husband? Does your husband re-load the dishwasher when he doesn’t like how you do it, too? You handled it a lot better than I would have. Good for you for staying calm and so kindly telling him he was right.
Alisa, I like your style. Nice piece of writing. And, you are absolutely correct, it does take a person who had courage and is strong to admit they’re wrong. Kudos to you!
judy
.-= judy stock´s last blog ..Airport Eateries – the good, the bad and the ugly =-.
HAHA! What a great story. I too am averse to ‘suggestions’ and my husband was labeled disputatious in law school (he’s a great lawyer) so we have a lot of funny and not so funny encounters like you describe. Good for you for breathing and then letting him know he was right! It does feel good sometimes!!! Although, sometimes I just want to kick his bum:)
.-= Almost Slowfood´s last blog ..Tasty Sides: Sweet Potato Latkes =-.
Him: You don’t need to spray that.
Me: I didn’t ask.
Him: But still, you don’t need to spray that.
Me: *psssssssssssssst* (the sound of my spraying him with cooking spray)
Him: WTF!!!
Me: Well I had to spray something!
.-= Stephanie – Wasabimon´s last blog ..Prosciutto, Havarti and Tomato Gluten Free Panini Sandwich Recipe =-.
Oh. My. God. Stephanie, you just made my night. Thank you. That is hilarious.
.-= Julie Roads´s last blog ..Write it and it will come. =-.
See, it’s not just about the non-sticking, it’s about the texture and pancakes cooked on the naked non-stick have this weird flat surface thing going on. That said, I eschew the spray and put a tiny sliver of butter in there. So you both were wrong. Now please to hurry up and write the “what to do if you’re right” post, because boy do I need it.
Heh, I’m a stinker.
I really admire graciousness and it’s something I strive to incorporate in my own life.
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..I know people, fabulous people =-.
You’re a very good person. If it were me? I’d have run him over with the car on our first date and sprayed his face with the spray while clunking on top of the head with the pan. I do NOT like being told what to do or being given suggestions unless I ask. BTW, just curious, is your husband from NJ? Those NJ types have a tendency to say, “ya know what ya gotta do…”
Like MarthaandMe, I always spray the pan.
.-= Claudine´s last blog ..Tinkerbell Runs: Going On the Record =-.
Every now and then I muster up enough strength to accept defeat and humbly share that strength with my husband. It certainly does make me feel great – until he rubs it in my face. That’s when I start mulling over which beer to serve at his funeral!
Oh dear, I’m the one who reloads the dishwasher when it’s not right…….But hey, did you know you can cook bacon in the oven? My husband, who happens to be a fabulous wonderful cook, did bacon in the oven this week. He says 425 for about 20 minutes. You don’t have to turn it. It doesn’t pop all over you, completely missing the apron and getting on your good shirt that you were planning to wear all day. It turns out crispy and flat and done all even….I’m thinking that the deal about me cooking for the first 20 years of the marriage and now it’s his turn to cook for the second 20 years is a very good deal for me.
Oh my…it is like all of this is rolling around in my head! My worst problem with all unsolicited advice is immediately shooting a glare…I don’t even have to say a word which is not good for the karma!
.-= Allison´s last blog ..Quick and Easy Post-Holiday Card =-.
That must have been sooooooo hard for you to thank him for his advice. Kudos to you.
BTW, I love your storytelling.
Hahaha! So funny Alisa! I AM THE COOK. When my husbands dares to enter the kitchen for anything in the culinary, (not often and then only a grilled cheese sandwich) it takes every ounce of strength for me not to control him. It took YEARS to let it go. He cooks OUTSIDE on the grill. (Only after I have cut, trimmed, marinated, dry rubbed, seasoned, and placed in a pan for him.) On the other hand, when I assist my husband with home projects, like sanding cabinets, staining furniture, etc. He waits until I am done and then goes over what I do, without conversation. I usually just throw in the rag at that point and later, I ask him if he really wanted me to help him. This has gone on for many years. It’s our egos. We get our feathers ruffled and then we get over it pretty quickly and can laugh about it. It is a given with us, and we know it and accept it, pretty much.
Alisa great story but all I could focus on was the nonstick pans! OMG I have been fighting with my husband about those stupid pans since we got them about 4 years ago. I told him pleeeease do not, under any circumstance, never use SOS pads on them they are nonstick and you will ruin them if you do. Did he listen…….NOOOOOO!! Now I have to boil water in them until the food comes off because I still refuse to use SOS pads, I hate them! Sorry just had to vent.
Michelle–funny how we all have our little battles. I have one about my exercise clothing not going through the dryer. I mean–it SAYS ON THE LABEL that it should not go thru the dryer. But my husband keeps telling me that it’s not important. Alas.
Someday I will learn how to cook in a normal pan–you know like how professional cooks cook. At the moment, though, I need all the help I can get to keep things from sticking.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Accept Defeat, part 2 =-.
That palm on the tigh: i love it. That alone said a lot of things already.
Ahh the joys of marriage and cooking and kids lol.. Wonderful post – I love reading about other’s daily lives and how funny life can be. As a wife of 29 years and mom of 7 I sympathize.! You showed greater restraint than I would have !! Having just discovered this blog I can definitely say I will be back!!
Belinda
PS I would LOVE to use that pancake pick on my Cooking with Kids website – tooo cute!
.-= Learning Treasures Homeschooling Resources´s last blog ..New Year’s resolution: Going organic – Some simple tips from an eco-knowledgeable mom =-.
Great post. I didn’t expect the direction you took at all! I was sure you were going to be right. I kept waiting for it. But you definitely taught a better lesson–and you’re *right* that it takes more guts to admit when you’re wrong.
.-= Kristen J. Gough´s last blog ..3 Kid-friendly New Year’s Drinks =-.
Hi Belinda–the pix is from iphoto.com. Just go there and search for pancakes and it should come up.
Great post, Alisa. It reminds me to remember that being un-right doesn’t mean you lose, it just means you’re, perhaps, un-right and the other person is right. Or, that the other person is right, too. It doesn’t have to be a competition, no matter what that part of my mind thinks (the part that wants to be right!). Always a relief.
.-= Meredith Resnick – The Writer’s [Inner] Journey´s last blog ..The Recovering Creative Returns =-.
OMG! I’ll be chuckling about this for a long while. In fact, I think I’m going to print it and put it in my journal to read when… I can’t take the back seat driving, the rearanging of the dishes in the dishwasher, the complaining because I can’t fold his tee-shirts as well as he does (he was in the military!)… I’m with Sheryl, are you sure you aren’t married to my husband?
I’m glad you shared the bit from your dating days. In addition to funeral flash-forwards which I do alone also, like you… I wonder if you and your husband ever do the dating flash-backs and pick moments when you knew you should have just chucked the relationship…
ahhhh, the tender hand on the thigh… my husband is so disgusted by me and my not listening to his advice he would slap my hand away…
Hilarious! I’m glad it all worked out (the pancakes and the marital discord). I hate it when people give me unsolicited advice. Yesterday I went to a swing dance class and the first partner I had (who could not dance) kept telling ME what to do. If I were married to yesterday’s dance man, I would probably take your frying pan and bash it over his head…
.-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..Peter Ferry Offering Fiction Writing Workshop on January 19 =-.
This cracks me up – I just read this to my husband. I get so mad at his “backseat _____” all the time, but gosh darn it doesn’t he always end up right??
Wonderful post. My husband and I have an agreement. The garage is his; but the rest of the house, especially the kitchen is mine. Since he tends to be a bit of a backseat cook, I’ll be trying your method out on him.
.-= Donna Hull´s last blog ..Saturday’s scene: Polynesian Morning =-.
But… what if I just want to spray the pan because like the buttery flavor of the spray (assuming the spray has that flavor)?
Sometimes I wonder if battles like these are not more battle of the sexes. In my experience, men seem to have a fixation on providing unsolicited advice. Perhaps it is the desire to offer support when it appears that support is needed?
…On second thought, acknowledging we all want to feel like we are helping others to improve their ability to complete a task, such intrusive behavior/comments must not be limited to men at all.
I am THIS impressed that you accepted that defeat with what I read as such grace. I probably would have continued to fume about my husband being right when I didn’t ask him in the first place for much longer. I am excited to read the 3rd installment of this.