Comments on: How Do You Define Cheating?

By: lital

lital — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:24:48 +0000

I think if my partnership with my man is excellent, we are taking pleasure in each other, quarrels and furious conversations are to a least, we are having sex consistently, etc. then I really care if he is looking at on-line adult (to use an example). I get frustrated by adult and self pleasure if we are not being personal, b/c I experience like adult has become an simple substitue for closeness.
lital´s last [type] ..סיזיפוס

By: Emily

Emily — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 23:30:46 +0000

I’m going to take a different approach to this article than most of the commentators. I will say I found “this action hurt me” a much better way of dealing with this particular situation. The problem I’m having is with the advice on what to do if your definitions of what is “okay” differs. For example. If my husband were to tell me “Having any form of friendship with someone of the opposite sex including work relationship makes me uncomfortable or hurts me by Alisa’s advice the choice should be easy. I should stop having male friends in the hopes of saving my husband from hurt or feeling threatened. I think we are over simplifying something that is inherently more complex. Can something threaten a partner but be harmless? Can a “threatening object” be worth hanging on to?

By: Jesus Shirkey

Jesus Shirkey — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 19:45:10 +0000

Really value you writing this article. Awesome!

By: Lisa

Lisa — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:19:08 +0000

Ann I totally feel for you. My situation is similar. I may never know the truth either. For me this other woman is a total psycho. She had stalked my husband back in the day, and started again earlier this year.she believes they are soul mates, and that they were meant to be. She is also married with kids. He actually thought that he would divorce me earlier this year to be with her. He let her know all of our most personal business. I was extremely hurt. He says he didnt sleep with her. I think I believe him. It has been a couple of months now that she has stopped calling him, but I still check the phone bill everyday. I told her I would call the police on her for stalking. I have loved my husband for 22 years. we have been thru it all. I still love him, I just dont know how to trust him. the security i felt for so long is now gone. I am afraid of things to go back to normal for fear of this happening again. This has been the worst year of my life. I just try to remember all of our memories our good ones. thats what keeps me going.

By: Ann

Ann — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:49:55 +0000

What counts as cheating?! Well everyone has their own definition as to what cheating really is . . .To me it was the full on physical act of sex but this past 2 weeks have changed the meaning of cheating for me. I didn’t know/feel that the emotional/private aspects of my marriage would ever leave my husband and I. In fact, I brought our kids up telling them, “what happens in this house stays in this house.” But I didn’t think it would be my husband that would cross more then one line. He has always told all of us how he can’t stand a person who lies on top of it all he has become the biggest liar. I am sure that it began innocent but when a female co-worker began divulging her private marriage life to my husband he did the same with her. Eventually leading into them having their lunch breaks in his car int he parking lot of work. Next them exchanging cell numbers and him hiding it all from me only telling me half truths. My husband approaching me to talk about our relationship and how he was feeling about our marriage. next him talking more to the co-worker about us . . .Them “making out” in his car at work right after we said we were going to work harder and be more attentive.

I know that I am not getting the whole truth . . .I might never get the whole truth! But cheating emotionally, physically, and giving everything that you have ever asked for in the relationship (truth, no half-truths, communication and transparency) all to a complete stranger after 22 years of marriage is cheating in my book. . . .any comments will be appreciated. Thxs for listening/reading

By: theotherperspective

theotherperspective — Sat, 01 May 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Before I offer any kind of statement I must point out that I have not read anyones post as it may cause my thought process to become different.
Having said that, I must also point out that I really like the way this Alisa person thinks, and identifies problems, more at their core than what they seem to be at face value.
Now, I personally think that sometimes it may be possible to actually feel more betrayed by thinking that your spouse is cheating with their mind, or heart, more than physically committing the act.
Committing an act of a sexual nature sometimes is simply physical, sometimes happening in a very brief moment of weakness.
We all know that we should not allow ourselves to ever get into a situation where we may have a moment of weakness, but I guess it happens.
Of course it will usually utterly destroy a marriage, but some people I have known have worked through this.
On the other hand, knowing that your spouse has lost interest/respect/love for you in such a degree that their mind or heart is with someone else may possibly be the most hurtful thing a person could feel.
One person is actually using time, and effort to mentally explore the company of some other person, that they are actually, physically familiar with, on an ongoing basis.
The Bill Clinton reference was pretty good but I tend to feel more that it was nothing more than a BJ (for lack of a politically correct term).
Hillery was and is his #1, he appears to just adore her, and being an aging man who, by the way, was approached by a woman half his age, I believe caused such a moment of weakness that he had no reserve left, at that moment.
In my own relationship, my wife is willing to actually give me the “Monika Lewinski” treatment if I feel like looking at porn, which I don’t, I think it’s kinda gross, but the point is, that she WOULD NOT be okay if I were exploring these feelings with someone I actually knew. It’s no longer anonymous.
For example, one day I came home from work to find my wife entertaining another man in my house.
She explained that he was like her bi-sexual brother, eh, yeah, I am not okay with that.
She has agreed to not have him over to the house anymore, but insists that she will continue to see him away from the house.
The point is, I understand what it feels like.
In then end, I am going to totally agree with Alisa, excellent job!

By: Jason T. Nelson

Jason T. Nelson — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 03:13:11 +0000

Yes I do also think that you hit the nail on the head.

Every marriage has that line in the sand, and it’s crucial that both partners/spouses understand exactly what that line is. This way it’s completely clear and there are no mistakes about it.

I can sit here high and mighty and say that the guy knew that what he was doing was completely wrong, but then again, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he thought it was ok. That’s why it’s so important that married couples make that decision, or else the decision might make them.

While I’m not a big fan of the cliche counselors “when you did this, I felt this” sort of communication, I think in this instance you’re actually extremely right on. By suggesting that she say “what you did makes me sick to my stomach” “I don’t trust you anymore” will actually paint a picture of the pain that his actions has caused her, and will surely make him think twice before doing it again.

But I think that she should also take it a step further, and make sure she explains exactly why. For instance, “looking at you makes me sick to my stomach, because what you were sharing were intimate thoughts with that other woman, and those intimate thoughts should be reserved for our marriage and to strengthen our marriage”… which is more specific.

I could go on forever, but I think you’ve made it quite clear. I think it’s important to understand why it’s so vital that we draw the line, and make sure that both parties know that line before an emotional affair, or even a physical affair has the chance to happen.

Jason T. Nelson

By: OneHotTamale25

OneHotTamale25 — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 08:05:26 +0000

Once again, you nailed it. What’s the point of arguing obsessively about semantics when the point is how one spouse feels as a result of the other spouse’s behaviors?

IMO, hand holding is NOT platonic — unless it is when the husband is holding the hand of a female relative and has no intentions of making sexual advances toward her.

By: Cameron

Cameron — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 04:50:26 +0000

Good timing reading this one! My husband and I just had a similar argument. He’s been long distance friends with an ex-girlfriend until we started dating. We’ve been married for 5 years and they have rarely spoken since then. We’re planning to take a muli-state vacation and he wants to stop and visit this women. She’s engaged to marry and he wants to meet the man and take them out to dinner. My question was why. This women and I have never met or spoken. Why would I want to spend an evening having dinner and drinks with her and her family. This all seems extremely weird to me. He assures me that nothing is going on, that he just wants to see an old friend. But something about this just doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t feel like this women is any competition, but I my gut tells me that this will be bad for our marriage.

By: Jennifer Margulis

Jennifer Margulis — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 22:47:02 +0000

Alissa, girlfriend, you are the bomb. This is such an important post/subject/conversation. I think you are so right that they were arguing about the wrong thing. And I fear that that particular marriage may be on the rocks. It’s hard to talk about all this stuff. I have to say, I would have a huge problem if my husband were addicted to porn. I don’t think I could handle that. Now the next question: when does a person decide enough is enough already and it’s time to get divorced?
.-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..Photo Shoot With Christopher Briscoe =-.