My crazy soup project.
Marriage is hard. I write that a lot, don’t I? I write it because it’s true. It’s the expectation that marriage should be easy that gets so many people into trouble.
Yet, it’s never easy to live with someone for a long period of time. That’s why so many reality shows have popped up about this very thing. If you take a bunch of complete strangers and ask them to live in a house together, some very crazy Good- for-TV-But-Not-Good-for-One’s-Personal-Sanity things are guaranteed to happen.
Marriage is just like those reality shows, only worse, because you are sharing at lot more than your living space. You are sharing your goals, your dreams, your bank account, your extended families, your seasonal affective disorder, your swine flu germs, your bad habits, and, occasionally, even your toothbrush and iPhone.
With all of that sharing, someone’s corn is bound to cream at some point.
I Needed a Segue, But I Couldn’t Think of One, So I Wrote This Header
I decided to write this post because a reader asked, “So what is the point of all this hard work? Where is the reward, or should I just torment myself for life?”
The point of this hard work is that you SHOULD NOT torment yourself for the rest of your life. That’s why you are working hard at improving your marriage—so you can end the misery. Either the hard work will pay off in a huge reward (more on this soon) or it won’t. If it doesn’t pay off at all, that’s a sign that your marriage might be beyond repair.
Now, let me tell you. I know misery. I know torment. Slightly more than two years ago, I was completely preoccupied with the act of planning my very healthy husband’s funeral. At that time in my life, I thought my marriage had been a mistake. I could no longer remember why I’d married my husband. All I could figure is that I must have been desperate at the time.
Deep down, I knew that wasn’t true. What was true was that my marriage had become so dysfunctional that I could no longer find one good thing to say about the man I’d married.
Now, two years later, I am no longer in that place. Now, my husband is the person who knows me and understands me better than any other person in my life. He’s the guy who knows:
- Not to talk to me, turn on the TV or turn on the radio while I am writing—because words outside of my head interfere with words inside my head, causing me to lose my train of thought. The loud sigh that comes out of me when I lose my train of thought is loud enough to kill a small mammal. He knows that, and he understands it.
- That around 3 p.m. on any given weekend, I need to take a nap and he needs to occupy our child and keep her from waking me prematurely. He knows that waking me prematurely usually results in dire consequences, consequences that cannot be corrected until I’ve gone back to sleep and woken the next day. He knows that, and he understands it.
- That I tend to oscillate from one extreme to the other. For instance, I might say, “I don’t want to do anything for Christmas this year. Let’s just put up a tree and be done with it. I want to keep it simple.” He’ll say, “Okay, whatever you need.” Next thing he knows, I’m buying cookie cutters so we can all make gingerbread cookies from a homemade cookie recipe that I found on the Internet. Oh, and I want us all to have our pictures taken in a photo booth so I can hand make our Christmas cards. Oh, and I’ve purchased 6 thousand supplies from a string of different stores so my daughter and I can put soup contents in jars, decorate those jars with a holiday theme and give them to people who probably will never ever in a million years make soup from their contents. He also knows that someday very soon I will crash from all of this overdoing it—and he will not even think about saying, “I told you so,” because he knows not to do that. Instead, he’ll suggest I take a nap, and he’ll suggest it in a loving way.
He’s the guy who, when I told him I’d had a bad day and was on the verge of tears, took his fingertips and gently used them to rub my face and head—which was the perfect gesture for that moment. He’s the guy who–after I’d announced that I might have to go on house duty strike for a week because of an upcoming book deadline—went to the grocery store, cleaned the house, and made a pot of chili—all while playing the role of dad, too. And for the rest of the week? Whenever I put a dish in the sink, it magically somehow ended up in the dishwasher.
Yes, he’s that guy.
But he wasn’t always that guy.
More important, my marriage isn’t perfect. It’s still hard. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, then you know that. You’ve read about my hard times.
But there’s a big difference between hard work and torment. Yes, it took a lot of work to get here, and it takes work to stay here, too. It takes me speaking my voice over and over again. It takes me having the courage to be completely honest about my feelings. It takes many fights, many compromises, and many tug-of-wars.
It takes a lot of tears.
Yes, the work is hard, but the payoff is huge. The reward is a stronger me, a stronger him and a stronger us. It’s growth. It’s that sensation you get when you know that someone really knows you—the good you, the bad you and everything in between—and that person loves you anyway.
For me, that’s worth everything.
What do you think the point of marriage is? Could I have written a better segue above? Are all marriages hard work, or do some folks get off easy? Is marriage worth it? Let me know your thoughts.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Sarah Liz (6)
Kerry (3)
Alexandra (2)
Ayelet (2)
Kathy (2)
Mandy (2)
TAY (2)
50 Proposals (1)
Amanda (1)
amy (1)
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Alissa –
What a great post my friend! I almost shed a tear reading this. What heart-warming words.
I’ve been thinking about this question myself lately. I agree with you — marriage is hard but has amazing payoff.
But I am also starting to think that the point of marriage is to make the two of you better people. All that hardship together, and all the stress of sharing your life in the way you so excellently described, makes you stronger and more resilient. So much intimacy with another human being teaches us what it means to be human. So much sacrifice for another person teaches us how much you really have to offer. Stuff like that. I dunno . . . I’m still working through these ideas myself.
By the way, your husband seems like a pretty awesome guy. It cheers my heart to read that such a bad marriage (as you describe it) can turn into such a good one.
.-= Kathleen Quiring´s last blog ..Pipe Lessons: The Unexpected Nature of Marriage =-.
sometimes i think there are people that get off easy – then i think “nah, those people are just holding it in and are ticking time bombs…”
like my in laws, they are so sweet and wonderful to each other that i want to slap them and say “fight already!!”, maybe they are that perfect -made-for-you couple, and they are the exception though.
I don’t think there’s a point to marriage though, its like a rubix cube… you work and work and work… but once you get it perfect, then what do you do? I think the fun/challenge of marriage (and the rubix cube) is that you have to keep going, and keep trying, and it feels really great when you are very nearly perfect….
Marriage hard work, I am suspicious of people who say it is easy. The rewards however are huge, you just sometimes get lost and forget that. Then a simple act will totally bring you back and remind you that “yes, yes it is worth it!”
.-= Andi´s last blog ..Day 14 Giveaway: Crave San Francisco =-.
I like your summary: The work is hard, but the payoff is huge.
I love marriage because when you work hard at it, and take a proactive approach toward making it great, the result is greater than the sum of the parts. Really, your marriage can be something better than the two individuals involved.
I find it easier to think about why we have children. It’s certainly hard work, and it sure would be EASIER to just not have them. But people keep having them (us included). The work is hard, but the payoff is huge.
.-= Dustin | Engaged Marriage´s last blog ..A Wedding Prayer: What Special Memories Do You Hold From Your Wedding Day? =-.
As someone with a retired (second) husband who’s nine years older, I know I’m grateful for the companionship and often think how lonely life would be were I living alone.
The tough part is when you’ve been in what you describe as a real marriage – knowing that person so well, etc. – and then decide to get a divorce. Divorce is much harder than people might realize.
Marriage is hard. There are some women out there who say that marriage is actually harder than motherhood, I’m not a mom, so I don’t know about that, but I’ll tell you this, when I heard that, oh I felt so much better about myself. I think for some people it IS easier than others, I think there are those rare couples who just ‘click’ and are truly written in the stars–the rest of us have to work at it–daily. It is a daily choice. I think being married and acting married are also two different things, and you have to act married every day, even if you don’t feel like it. Acting married is honoring the commitment, recognizing the love and acting in a way that is condusive to the health of your marriage–people can BE married all the time, but a lot of times they don’t act that way.
A lot of times there are factors that make a marriage harder than others–for example, if one or both spouses have serious medical/health issues–that makes it harder. If one spouse is laid off or dependent on the other financially, that makes it harder–or it can, at least. I think a second marriage might be harder because of added children that aren’t yours biologically. But, I also think that sometimes, we make it harder than it has to be.
The one thing that has shocked me about marriage is how much it takes out of you. I don’t mean that in a negative conotation, because indeed, the payoffs and surpluses are fabulous and worth it–but I think to be happily married it takes a great deal of balance, communication, selflessness and trust. It also takes a great deal of personal responsibility and loyalty. Because our spouses know us better than anyone else, they can call us on our crap faster than anyone, and sometimes it’s hard to have the mirror held up to yourself so often, you know.
One of my very favorite things about my husband is his loyalty–to his friends, family and to me. It’s a quality we both have and greatly respect in each other, and that loyalty is vital. I think loyalty is WANTING to stick around and work through things, where as commitment is staying because you HAVE to. I hope that makes sense.
I’m amazed at how selfless I have to be at times, and he does too; some days it’s just NOT about you, and then other days it is. That’s where the balance comes in also–learning how AND when to give and take, and when to stop as well. I think it’s important to maintain who YOU are as an individual and figure out a way to live in a collaborative way with your spouse. You are two individuals and remembering that, and not relying on one another to fill EVERY need is also very important. Trust is also a big factor, and I think for me & my husband, it’s the simple trust that we really do want the best for each other–even if it doesn’t always come out that way. LOL! And of course trust that you’re not going to do one another wrong as far as cheating or things like that.
I think there are some couples who don’t fight, but I often wonder how DEEP their connection is. I think if you put two passionate people together, there are bound to be disagreements and arguments. I think not fighting festers after a while, that’s just my opinion. I envy those couples that never fight or argue, but hey, good for them. I’m truly happy for them! I could probably learn from them!
Fighting isn’t always a bad thing, and I think within marriage, the fighting lessens (at least it has for us) because you realize hey, I’m here FOREVER, so why fight? If it’s not life and death, or something we absolutely disagree on to our core, why fight? Okay, granted, some things ARE totally worth fighting about, but then you have to fight fairly and that can be tough at times, but if you have good communication skills, then it’s usually not a big problem.
I think putting your spouse before yourself and them putting you before them is also kind of key. Not that you lose yourself or neglect your wants and needs, it’s just that you wake up every day with the attitude of “how can I make his/her life better today? What can I do, or not do, to add to their happiness?”
We are each responsible for our own happiness (that is also absolutely vital to a marriage, recognizing that and holding one another responsible for your own personal happiness), but I believe that most days, being married should ADD to that happiness. It should be the icing on the cake! I think if you wake up with that attitude and live it throughout the day, then you’re both taken care of, you’re both satisfied (most days) and it cuts down on the crap.
Marriage is totally worth it–the greatness of it, the growth of it, the love, loyalty and happiness of it usually comes around again. Not every marriage can be fixed and there are definitely people out there who shouldn’t be married, but for the most part, even on the hardest days, getting married was one of the best things I’ve ever done–if for no other reason than the act that it’s humbled me, made me more patient and taught me so much. Plus, finding someone willing to stick with you through good and bad, oh come on, that’s pretty darn fantastic! And I think THAT is the biggest pay off of all!
One last thing, in my wedding ceremony the Father said something I believe to be true: “Marriage was created for mutual enjoyment. It enhances both, but diminishes neither. It is a mingling of two endowments moving at times, in different directions, yet always weaving one beautiful tapestry together.”
I think that is so very true and I think the mutual enjoyment, and beautiful tapestry (achieving goals together, seeing each others dreams come true, cuddling, sharing the seasons, etc.) are the greatest pay offs!
I apologize for rambling, I guess I just had a lot to say!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Today I’m definitely on “marriage is NOT worth it”. My husband doesn’t love me when I’m having a bad day. I’m supposed to suck it up and not put it on his plate. Yet, he can have a bad day and I get to hear all about it. But from what he’s said, my voice is bitchy and his is just normal. Whatever!
I lived with sleep deprivation for 3 years. He’s tired one day and OMG the world is coming to an end and he can’t even get his dinner plate to the sink. I had to cook dinner on 5 hours of sleep for 3 flipping years.
He can be crabby in the morning before his coffee, but I better be little Miss Sunshine – because I’m bitchy, but he “doesn’t talk before coffee” (sometimes that takes 3 hours on the weekends, but I know he’s talking to co-workers within 1 1/2 hours from waking up on weekdays).
So honestly, marriage is NOT worth it. I have to put up with his double standards, no interaction except “hi, I’m home”, “what’s for dinner”, “I need 15 minutes on Facebook before we can eat (I don’t care that you are starving to death and I’m late getting home)”, and his latest “If you’re going to Australia with your friend I’m going with you, because what if something happens to you and you’re so far away”. Read between the lines, he doesn’t want me going off and having a good time without him. Because my friend and I plan to stay with some people we meant on the internet and they have a huge ranch and we’ll want to help on the ranch anyway we can or at least “pretend” we’re helping. Whereas, husband won’t lift a finger because he grew up on a farm and doesn’t like that kind of work. So, he’ll not only be an embarrassment, but he’ll also limit my fun.
This weekend when I mentioned I was lonely because we don’t ever do anything together, he said “because you’re always so tired”. Well, sure I don’t want to go jogging, but I could play cards or talk or something not taxing. But the truth came out – he was tired all week since he had an overloaded schedule at work.
I’m supposed to tell him about my every ache and pain. He had a headache the other night – I found out when he mentioned to our friends the other night at dinner. Wow!!!! And trust me, I’ve been accused of lying when I haven’t told him that I had a headache and just said I’m fine.
OK, I’m seriously bitchy today. I’m bored and lonely and unsexed in my marriage of just over four years. I’ve tried talking only to be told “it’s all my fault”. I’ve stood up for myself to be told “I’m bitchy”. And on top of that, I’m getting lots of medical tests done to find out what the hell is wrong with my body – between too many periods a year and high blood calcium, I’m a bit over wrought. But, I’m not allowed to let these things bother me until I have some answers. Where is that magic carpet I can sweep all of this under and ignore it until I get told that something is wrong with me or not?
Thanks for letting me vent.
I just skimmed Sarah Liz’s post – I’m not allowed to mention my ex-husbands in front of my husband. At our wedding reception he mentioned his 2nd ex-wife. How’s that for double standards?
Kathy-I’m glad you got it out of your system. That’s what this is for. I’ve also known you long enough to know that, on your better days, you do feel it’s worth it. Not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with not feeling it’s worth it.
I think it’s important to make a distinction between “marriage isn’t worth it” (ie for anyone) versus “my marriage isn’t worth it.”
Hang in there. Stand up for yourself. Be yourself. Once you love and accept yourself for who you are, you’ll find out whether he’s strong enough to accept and love that woman, too.
Of course, Alisa, I’m only speaking for myself. My dear friend has a wonderful marriage. I’m just not so happy with mine. It has it’s ups and downs, but mostly it’s been downs the last few weeks. And it’s not helping that I’m stressing about health issues. And husband is having issues at work.
So far he’s showing he’s not able to accept this woman with all her many “attributes”. LOL!!! I’m like you “no, I don’t want to do this” to “we should do this and this and this other thing too”. His personality type isn’t accepting of my many changes of my mind.
Thanks for having this blog, so I can vent. LOL!!! Also, for sharing the better side of marriage.
I started reading your posts pretty recently. I read them out to my husband sometimes. Especially the “apple pie” one, we got a good laugh out of. I read them on the reader and usually don’t come out to say anything
The three points you mentioned above about you being happy, you started with “Now, my husband is the person who knows me and understands me better than any other person in my life.” You should ask him about the “Now my wife is the person who knows me and understands me better than any person in my life” and see how many points he has
I am sure you two have reached a middle ground where you are comfortable in the relationship. Sometimes all it takes is lowering our expectations of the other.
For lot of people reaching that middle ground takes a long time and that is when it feels like you are working too hard at the marriage. Some reach it quick and they think they had it easy.
I am was born and brought up in India and moved here a couple of decades ago. So these next few sayings might sound a little strange.
I was married to someone and let us just say, I wasn’t the person I would like to be in his company. When I was getting ready to divorce him, my sister said to me “It doesn’t matter which stone you break your tooth with, it is still a stone”. After 10 yrs of marriage to my current husband and two kids later, I totally see her point.
Another thing my parents told me was marriage is like quicksand. “The person outside it can’t wait to get in and try it out and the person inside it can’t wait to get out”
Life is not easy. All we need to remember is everything we have is fruit of our own labor.
Congratulations on becoming a top ten site! As a marriage and family therapist for many years and in my own marriage for 26 years, I can attest to the work that is necessary to reap the rewards of a loving, kind and generous relationship with your best friend. I think the readers here would like to read my just released little book, “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage,” some thoughts to help you out when you’re looking for a little inspiration and motivation to get through the inevitable tough times. Good luck!
At borders, amazon and others — stop by and visit @ http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
“This is not the Greatest Segue in the World. No, this is a tribute”
.-= Frugal Kiwi´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.
Anna–I love that saying about the stone. It’s true about everything in life, I think.
I did ask my husband that question. Oddly, I was worried that he would somehow come up with someone who knows him better. Like who? His mother? His guy friends? (You have to know him to know what that doesn’t make sense in either case. Hard to explain in a short statement). Anyway, he agreed that I knew him better than anyone and loved him anyway–and I don’t think he agreed just to keep the peace. I was relieved and then I thought, “Of course I know him better than anyone.” He knows why i love him anyway (what I overlook). For instance, he loves his bicycle almost as much as he loves me–perhaps even more so. If he could only have one of us in his life, it would be a tough choice for him. I know that, and I love him anyway.
I’m going to get a little deep here, but this is my theory. I see marriage as an opportunity for great spiritual growth. We know that happiness comes from within, that it is a state of mind, as the Buddha taught – but we just don’t get too many chances in life to really realize and practice this. It’s too easy to get sucked into searching for happiness in external things because, in our world of convenience, it’s relatively easy to go out there and find things that make us happy, so we continue to do so, unaware. But in doing this we oscillate between joy and despair and do not achieve much peace ourselves let alone become more compassionate to others. When we are married for a while, though, there will inevitably be times that the situation turns sour or boring, forcing us to confront the true nature of ourselves and life. And this is where philosophically I might differ a little bit from most, but if we are truly committed, we do not give ourselves the option to leave (of course if you are in harm’s way it’s different), instead, our only option is to find a new perspective, to make ourselves happy and to give our love. And this is one way we can become better humans and get in touch with the meaning of life. There are pathways other than marriage, of course, but marriage is perhaps one of the most ubiquitous and accessible. AND most of the time it does provide additional benefits such as companionship, sex, help for raising children, emotional/financial support, a sense of comfort and belonging, and exciting in-love feelings (if you are lucky, they arise now and then). Those rare people who, for whatever reason, don’t have to work at their marriages and are just always head-over-heels in love with their spouses, don’t really learn as much or grow as much from that experience, however lovely and easy it might be (but really, who are these people anyway? I only hear about them on the Internet…)
Well Alisa this post will be forwarded to my kids. NO wait. I will put a link to it in my family newsletter. Yes I write a family newsletter. Otherwise no one in my large family knows what the heck is going on. And I will write my own article on is marriage worth it. Which will make everyone chuckle because after living together for 10 yrs my husband and I just got married last year.
Just in case though I will be forwarding this to my three kids
Alisa and everybody else..
I do agree nobody ever said marriage was going to be easy. We have to work hard and compramise with one another to be happy. It all pays of in the end.
I love this post it made me realize how much I miss my hubby when hes not around. When you love somebody so much you have to be willing to work on your marriage. and I think that we all been down that road where we wanted to kill our husbands and never see them ever again. But things change and once things change you realize that you are so dam happy you actually put your effort into the marriage and and that you were patient with each other.
Hi Alisa-
I’ve been a long-time reader/subscriber, but I don’t post many comments. (This might be my second one to date.) I totally agree that marriages/relationships take a lot of hard work. I’ll withhold my own personal story since there have been so many already!
Actually the thing that made me come here to post was the fact that you said you couldn’t think of a proper segue! I was thinking, since you begin the post with your “Crazy Soup Project” picture, and mention it again later, you could have said something like: “Just as it takes the right ingredients to make a great soup, it takes the right ‘ingredients’ to make a great marriage. You’ll need hard work and dedication to create them both.”
After almost 30 years of marriage, I have to admit that it’s challenging so much of the time. I often wonder if that’s the nature of marriage or if it’s the combination of the two people involved. When it’s good, it’s very, very good…but when it’s bad…well, we all know how that goes.
That said, I think it’s worth the work IF the two people involved are equally dedicated to putting in the work – and it sounds as though both you and your husband have made a total commitment to one another and making one another happy. Part of that, I think, is making your needs known and appreciating and respecting your partner’s needs equally.
It seems so often that the hard work part is mostly about accepting our own selves first, rather than asking someone to change first–and if a partner is just as committed to that. Then you can move forward, and closer, together. Then the hard work gets a little easier.
I love this post. I’m a counselor specializing in communication. I have clients who have found your website to be incredibly valuable. I appreciate the reality, humanity, and sincere hopefulness you’ve communicated in this blog. People are always talking about how marriage is a lot of work, but they don’t often articulate that as clearly as you have.
Thanks.
I think that the best part of marriage is that it is bigger than just you. It consists of all that you have put into the marriage plus all that your spouse has put into it, which over time is such a powerful thing.
Of course marriage is never 50/50 at any given point, which I think is what a lot of people get hung up on. I don’t mind the times when I am the one giving 80% because it’s an incredible feeling to know that in tough times when I find myself only able to give 20% that my husband will love me and find a way to pitch in with that 80%. Marriage is definitely worth it!
*sigh* I struggle with this so much. As of right now (1 1/2 years in), I absolutely do not think it’s worth it. I think it’s all a waste of my youth. I want to get out, but don’t have a really good reason.
I read your blog of “6 reasons NOT to stay married”…and I fit the category of all six. But it’s not that easy. You can’t just get a divorce for no real reason. There are other people involved. It’s life-changing.
IMO the point of marriage is growth and development. Marriage challenges and stretches us in so many ways. It expands our tolerance. It increases our patience. It enhances our desire to be more humane and understanding. It enriches us spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It is damn hard work to be certain, but provided BOTH people are doing the work required to create a healthy marriage, it is DEFINITELY worth it. I don’t think anyone gets it easy; I do think some people have better skills than others. They bring those skills to the table and their marriage LOOKS easy. Outsiders seldom know what’s happening behind the skills though.
This is just my opinion, but I could be wrong.
Marriage is an institution to keep women from having to seek a life of prostitution!
For men it is totally pointless, Married men have no legal rights, only legal obligations, While he is OBLIGATED to provide
financially even in divorce she has no legal obligations whatsoever to the man.
it has nothing to do with religious obligations because a marriage license is a Legal Contract, that is the first big lie.
You don’t have to be Married to be in love, Lie number 2.
and you don’t have to be married to make a baby #3, and despite the numerous lies told on this front after releasing his semen
men have no enforceable parental rights.
Whether to give birth or abort, how it is raised, how it is named, There are cases where fathers gain custody but as a rule
if the woman wants her baby and she is not a mass murderer the courts will award her custody, A man only has financial
obligations and until recently and currently in some provinces still a child born in a marriage but not of the married
father was still the responsibility of the married man. So number 3 is the biggest lie of all.
You are off your rocker. I cannot recommend in god faith to any man to get married. Marriage is akin to a life sentence of punishment, drudgery, misery and crushing financial duty.
I see absolutely no benefits for a man to get married. A man is better off working hard and saving for his future. If he can afford healthcare and a nurse as needed he’s all set. If he can afford retirement and maid services, there is no going back.
TO all men reading this: do yourself a favor and do not get married. I speak from experience. Cultivate friends that you can lean on for help if needed, and be wise with your money. But avoid marriage like the plague.
Marriage is:
-neverending obligations
-being reminded of all your shortcomings
-forced celibacy
-being forced to arbitrarily high domestic standards
Men, keep your sanity! run for the hills!
Alisa…..you have given me HOPE after all. Thanks sooooooooo much for this post. I love it.