Many people write to me asking me all sorts of questions about their relationships. The details vary quite considerably but, in the end, they invariably all ask the same question, “What should I do?”
I could spend a lot of time answering every question, telling each person what I think I would do if I were in the same situation. In the end, though, most people don’t want to know what I would do. They really just want to know whether they are normal. They want to know this because they think that whatever they are feeling or wanting is wrong or irrational.
You know what? I don’t believe in irrational. I don’t believe in shoulds. I don’t believe that there is one right or one wrong thing to do. What I would do if I were in your shoes might be right for me, but it could be very wrong for you.
Only you know the answer. Only you know what you should do.
No matter the situation, no matter the details, no matter the story, it’s still your decision. It’s still your life. It’s still your happiness and your peace of mind.
Forget about all of the shoulds that are rummaging around in your head. Forget all of those worries about what other people—your friends, your parents, your relatives—will think of you. Forget about all of the excuses that pop up, the ones that continually tell you that you can’t have what you really want.
Push that all aside. Then ask yourself, “What do I want? What do I really want?”
Once you can answer that question, the rest will fall into place. If you really want a better marriage, then fight for it. Stop making excuses. If you need marital therapy, get it. If you need sex therapy, get it. If you need to be painfully honest with your spouse about how unhappy you are, do it.
You already know what you need to do. You already know what you want to do. You already know what’s right for your marriage. You feel indecisive not because you don’t know the right decision. You feel indecisive because you are scared.
Sure, every action creates a reaction. Sure, going after what you want might lead to undesirable consequences. Sure, your worse fears could materialize.
It’s also possible, however, that, in finding the courage to do what you already know you need to do, you’ll improve your life immensely.
You never know which way things will go until you make a decision and make a commitment to change.
Give yourself a gift. Take charge of your marriage and your life. Embrace change. Do the one thing that you most fear.
What should you do for your marriage? What are you most scared to try? What is holding you back? Let’s talk about all of it in the comments, so we can all help each other change for the better.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
*sigh*
i should try harder to meet his needs, since he really is trying so darn hard to meet mine.
i should stop keeping score.
i should revise his eulogy.
I should arrange for a couple’s getaway, but stupid bank accounts don’t refill themselves.
I should for my marriage, keep trying at all times, because [today] its worth it!
I don’t believe in “shoulds” either and also agree that what anyone decides to do or not do is their own business. Having said that….
Irrational is believing that another person can fulfill all of our needs. Irrational is believing that our spouse or marriage will magically change and/or improve without any effort on our part. Irrational is believing that we have the power to change anyone else by becoming a people pleaser. Irrational is ignoring our own happiness and/or our spouse’s unacceptable behavior.
I want to be married to my husband. I want him to be in my life for the rest of it. I want to have children with him. I want to maintain our commitment to one another and keep our vow. I am afraid to stay because of my concerns that all my worst fears will indeed materialize and produce undesirable consequences. I wish I could be certain that he would not continually make bad decisions that jeapordize our opportunity to have a healthy marriage, but I can’t be certain of that.
I DONT KNOW IF MY MARRIAGE IS WORTH SAVING MY HUSBAND IS MAD BECAUSE THE TWO YEARS THAT WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED I HAVE NOT HAD A JOB. BUT HE SEEMS TO FORGET THAT THE TWO YEARS THAT WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED HE HAS KEPT ME IMPREGNATED AND HE COMES HOME TO A CLEAN HOUSE A DINNER EVERY DAY. HE REMINDS ME EVERY DAY HOW MUCH HE CAN’T STAND ME AND WOULD LIKE TO BRING SOMEONE IN THAT WILL SPLIT THE RESPONSIBILITY EVEN. I AM GOING TO GET A JOB AND MAYBE HE WILL LOVE ME LIKE HE USED TO……OR MAYBE NOT!
@OneHotTamale25…..NEVER live in FEAR. Life is full of uncertainties. The only certain thing in life is we all will face death one day, that’s about it. Living in fear is close to death, you might as well give up then. Change your mindset and I think your perception of your marriage will change too. Also, your hubby needs to find help too with his bad decisions. Better choices, better life.
@MRS DAVIS…Is this something you guys agreed on before hand? for you to stay home while he works? I mean, my wife and I talked about this when we started our family. She would stay home with our son while I work. For the most part she cooks, cleans and parents our son. Now she is in school getting her degree and I still work, and support her. Once she finishes her degree, our son with be almost 4yrs old and she will get a good job and help out financially. Ultimately, its the man’s responsibility to provide no matter what, unless both spouses agree to something different, such as the husband going to school and the wife works or something. But, for him to say he can’t stand you….WOW….that’s pretty crazy to me. He ought to LOVE you regardless!
My situation is this…my wife is a full time student and she is a stay-at-home mom. I work two jobs, manager for IT firm and a musician as well. Its hard right now with the economy being the way it is, but God has really sustained us through this tough time. Has it been easy, no, and some of the struggles I’m dealing with right now stem from the financial pressures. However, I feel that as a couple, both husband and wife should pull together and really support one another by any means. Keeping a positive outlook is always key. Despite how it looks, and I may not always get what I want, but I am proactively taking the necessary steps to improve our marriage.
committed to change!
Irrational is believing the my husband loves me. He tells me “it’s not in him to show affection” You think he might have told me this 10 years ago. Or maybe he didn’t tell me he showed me with his action. I was to blinded by what I thought was love. Never the less I made a commitmint to God. Who said anything about my happiness, or well being. Who cares if I’m in a loveless marriage. I said til death do us part right ;(
@ nhb when i read that it makes me said but im in the same situation , my husband drinks a LOT and does not show mw affection very often but ive only been married nearly two years , can u honestly say u would advise me to stick with it or if u could turn back time would u of got out when u were younger?? , to everyone is there a point when u should just give up?? if a man is verbably abusive to u calling u names n making u unhappy is it time too give up or keep trying for my son and the little moments of happiness that come arond every now n then??? is it better to have seperate parents that are happy or a family that is together but a rollercoaster of extremes???