“I have been married for just over two years and my husband and I have fought nearly the entire time. Though I feel I have tried hard to compromise to meet his needs, it is never enough. Recently he expressed to me that if he were not married to me that he would not be with me but doesn’t see this as a problem. He refuses counseling and has gone from fighting me to pretending that there is nothing wrong. I don’t know how to move forward in my marriage without allowing this revelation to further break down my self esteem and ultimately tear us apart. Please help!”
-Dejected in Minnesota
I’ve decided to try something new. Instead of me answering the questions, I’m going to give the community here a shot at it first. It’s my belief that it’s easier to solve other people’s problems than it is to solve our own. It is because all of the shoulds and fears don’t stop us from coming up with solutions for others. They only stop us from coming up with solutions for ourselves. By helping to solve a problem for someone else, though, you sharpen your problem solving skills in general. So you’ll eventually become better at solving all problems–including your own.
With that in mind, dear readers, what should Dejected in Minnesota do about this situation? Leave a comment her and let her know.
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not going to proclaim my marriage as the best on the planet, but we are in a pretty good place now, and here’s what I did to help get us there:
read the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman – this one was a real eye opener on how to convey love to one another, I’m an acts of Service gal, and he’s a physical touch guy. Its good to know. Once you know what is the best way to show love and receive love, you feel better in your life.
write his eulogy – it will make you feel better. oh, and it will make you look for good qualities.
stop keeping score – (does it really matter that i’ve taken the trash to the curb for the last month? or that he cheats at paper rock scissors? or that he doesn’t put new trash bags in the cans… or … )
Talk to him. I had to look at my husband and say “there is a reason we got married. I have forgotten it, and rather than give up, I want to look for that reason again.” if he refuses to look and work on it with you… maybe he’s not worth the trouble.
lastly, since all our conversations would start with “how’s the weather?” and ended with “then why are we married?” We wrote weekly letters to eachother (another thing i read here on PHEA) and it worked nicely… We listed a thank you, a grievance, and a possible solution in each letter. I suggest writing it, waiting a day, and rereading it to make sure you mean it. but the non-confrontational aspect of letter writing was nice.
good luck
I like this idea, Alisa.
My suggestion is for her to seek individual therapy. She cannot make him go to counseling but she is clearly very unhappy.
The real question for me is, why does she keep trying to compromise and meet the needs of someone who devalues her and her feelings and refuses to even attempt to work on their relationship?
If she takes care of herself she will be happier, with or without him.
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..Is Anything A Coincidence =-.
I live this most of this situation currently, so I feel your pain – And to make matters worse, we work together. We have been together for 4 years, married for 3.5 years. It took me over a year of counseling to figure out that it wasn’t my fault. I knew that I loved him, but the fighting was wearing us both down to the point of divorce, and yet I knew that life shouldn’t be this hard. Our fights have been terrible and we have said horrible things to each other because of our anger towards each other – He thinks if I just ‘left him alone’ that everything would be okay. But I want a partner that participates in a life that we can create together, a family, a home, etc.
Recently the penny dropped: My husband has ADHD. We are the textbook couple – I do everything, he does nothing. He is obsessive, forgetful, anxious, short-tempered, defensive and borders on neglectful. I am working to get him back to see his counselor (fortunately for me, his has a therapist who is really great) who has mentioned ADHD to him before (I, of course, only found out about this recently) to address this before our relationship is completely ruined. But he needs to follow through because I am 38 years old and I want a family and I need a partner. If that doesn’t happen, our marriage is over.
I feel weird declaring that – I come from generations of die-hard Catholics (I am however, not a Catholic) that do not believe in divorce and so I never thought I would ever even breech that subject. I want my own “Happily Ever After”. The joke in our family is ‘Murder before Divorce’. But no one else has to live with my husband but me. As I have been told, I deserve to be happy! And I want to be happy. If things continue as they are, and he will not seek help, that will be impossible.
I feel a bit tentative about giving you advise on this because I don’t know enough about your situation – Having a partner like that is almost impossible to deal with as it seems that he has ‘checked out’. The best suggestion that I can give you is to seek counseling yourself. Know that while you are part of the equation, you may not be able to resolve this to your liking or even save your marriage. Marriage takes 2 ‘yes” to stay together and 1 ‘no’ to break it apart.
Resolve not to fight anymore no matter if you are right or not. This consumes energy and emotion and muddies your thoughts. Take care of yourself – get enough rest and eat properly. Surround yourself with people that are good to you. Talk to a counselor, weigh your options ans plan for your future. Once you are in a good place again, I suggest you talk to your husband and let him know what your plans are. And then ask him if he’d like to be a part of your life. If not, you will know what you need to do.
Life is too short.
Speaking as someone who can relate more to your husband’s point of view right now than yours, here’s my advice. Work on yourself. Be the best ‘you’ you can be. Definitely go to counseling by yourself. Has your husband given you the reasons why he would choose not to be with you if you weren’t married? Really think about whether any of his points are valid. If they are, work on changing them. If they aren’t, work on being OK with the fact that those are his issues and you can’t do anything about them.
In our marriage, I am the one who just wants to pretend everything is OK. I am the one who brought up my feelings about him and our marriage, so in that way, our situation is very similar to yours. My experience is that he, with good reason, is very insecure and scared, and is trying really hard (too hard, in my opinion) to make me happy. But what I really want is for him to back off, give me space, and let me figure things out with my counselor, friends, and on my own.
Him constantly bringing up the issue makes me not want to be around him. I’m never sure when he’s going to bring it up, and so my home doesn’t feel like my ‘safe place’ anymore. I want to live life as normal while I figure stuff out. I feel like I’m living in a pressure cooker. I wonder if that is how your husband feels. I have no way of knowing, but I’d suspect that’s pretty accurate.
I agree to definitely try individual counseling before you call it quits. You have nothing to lose there!
The other part is to be really “selfless” for a period of time. There is a good post on here in fact on Making the First Move. Don’t react to your husband, don’t fight, don’t keep score. Start doing the nice things you used to do for him for no reason, expecting nothing back. Take that risk. No risk, no reward. This is much easier said than done, but if everyone tried this the divorce rate would be so much lower.
I think you want to be able to know that you gave it all you had and took that big risk, even if it doesn’t end pretty, because that’s a powerful thing to know, and it will keep you centered.
It must be a hard thing to hear that your husband doesn’t want to be with you, but how you perceive that statement and what you do with it is a choice. I have been known to just say mean or stupid things when I’m emotional, and I am lucky my husband does not think much of it! We both try to pay more attention to our actions.
We are all capable of being ugly people, and marriage brings out the best and the worst in us, doesn’t it? It’s those expectations that kill you, really. And I think it has gotten a lot worse in recent decades with this emergence of the “soul mate” myth. A big part of being happy in a relationship is recognizing that your mate is flawed, as are you, and not seeing it as anything particularly special, but learning to make yourself happy instead of depending so much on this one other person (I mean when you think of it, isn’t it kind of insane that we do that?). The rest often takes care of itself.
Leave him. Go find your own way and go find someone that makes you happy. He or she is out there.
.-= Julie Roads´s last blog ..Worried you aren’t a good writer? The answer lies without. =-.
I went to individual counselling. My ex-husband wouldn’t go either. It was the best thing I could’ve done.
The counsellor worked with me and suggested I keep a daily diary for a month. At the end of the month to read what I had written and then decide what to do.
I diligently kept it, read it at the end of the month and said to myself, “Oh my goodness. Why on earth would anyone put up with this. How could I possible survive living like this.”
I told the therapist and he said, “So what do you think?”
I replied, “This is abuse. If my friend told me this was happening to her I’d tell her to run, run as far away as possible.”
Then I filed for divorce.
Melissa: I too am Catholic. My parents are very staunch Catholics. Here I was 37 yrs old and terrified to tell my parents I was divorcing my ex. But they came down for a visit and I dragged my mom into the bedroom and told her. She cried, hugged me and said, “Thank goodness you are going to leave this jerk! But don’t tell your father I said that.”
It was then I realized that I wasn’t imagining the 10 yrs of being bullied and a ton of relief welled over me.
1. Though I feel I have tried hard to compromise to meet his needs, it is never enough.
2. Recently he expressed to me that if he were not married to me that he would not be with me but doesn’t see this as a problem.
3.He refuses counseling and has gone from fighting me to pretending that there is nothing wrong.
These are some HUGE, I mean, HUGE warning signs.
I am speaking from 21 years of marriage here. (not that makes me an authority but….)
1.In a healthy relationship, as the preacher spelled out in our pre-marital counseling, a relationship is not always equal. Sometimes, one person gives 90%, and the other gives 10%… and sometimes it’s the other way around. But there is a give and take. Sometimes, rarely, but sometimes things are equal. If it is always “you compromising to meet his needs”… (what are those needs?) The important thing to remember is that you are there to support EACH OTHER. Without that, quite frankly, it is a marriage in name only.
2. He has already stated that he has rethought his decision to marry you. He admitted he made a mistake… and quite frankly doesn’t want to be the bad guy and suggest a divorce. That leads to a couple of questions. How old were you when you got married? What were the circumstances that lead to marriage? Is it possible that you both had some unrealistic expectations about marriage? I know that sometimes ‘women’ without having experienced a few bumps and bruises on the road to marital bliss (typically younger ones) over-romanticize the ‘idea’ of marriage. Marriage is hard, hard work. It’s about realizing that you married a flesh and blood human-being with likes/dislikes and has days of being a complete bitch/asshole. And cutting them some slack when those bad times come. It DOES NOT mean you have to put up with it and sacrifice your self-esteem in the process…. and quite frankly, it sounds like you are well on your way.
3. One thing is for certain. If you and this marriage were important to him, he would have his butt in counseling asap. If he isn’t willing to do that…
I’m hoping like hell you don’t have children. Please God, don’t make any if you don’t have them already. (Children do NOT make things better! They only make a bad situation worse only with an extra person thrown in.) I’m also hoping like hell that you have a job and aren’t relying on him and his income. If not, get one, and start stashing some money to get yourself out if/when that day arises.
But the quickest way to find out where you are both at in this relationship is to ask him a simple question…
“Do you want to be married to me?” If the answer is “no”… then ask yourself this question..
“Do I want to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to ME?”
If you do, then you need to get yourself to a counselor for other issues. If not, then your path is clear…. Get the hell out.
Wow, these are all such thoughtful comments. I have to say that I think individual therapy is a good place for her to start. I think, beyond that, it’s tough to judge someone else’s marriage.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Spend a Little, Give a Lot =-.
I’m with Cyndi on this. Get counseling for yourself. This will make you a stronger person and will let you see this with out any issues from your past. I’ve been getting counseling and it’s made a difference in myself. It may or may not have helped my marriage, but it has helped me see what I want and don’t want in a relationship.
I’ve asked my counselor about couples counseling and she prefers to work on each individual separately. She doesn’t believe that you can fix a relationship until each person is “fixed”. And to me that makes perfect sense.
“if he were not married to me that he would not be with me but doesn’t see this as a problem”
I am baffled by this quote statement. How can you be married to somoene who you wouldn’t be with — but wow, that’s not a problem??? He sounds as if he has checked out–
Isn’t it true the opposite of love isn’t hate…it’s not caring–it sounds as if he just doesn’t “care” if he’s with you or not.
Have we “idealized” what marriage is supposed to be like? My parents dated 6 weeks before they were married and just celebrated 40 years of marriage–I know it can happen, however, times are different now. There wasn’t Internet, texting, etc….there was church, work and friends.
The best thing my husband and I ever did for our marriage was to go to counseling. I am an only girl of the family (two older brothers) and the baby. My husband is the baby of his family as well, however, he’s 1 of 4 boys. He NEVER felt “special” because he was too worried about eating food on his plate and not getting beat up by his older brothers–always got leftovers, hammie-downs, etc.
We found out in therapy he needs touching and hugging and of course sex to feel loved; I need to “feel” special. We couldn’t be more opposite people–but we love each other, and yes, marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done (combined with being a mommy while being married); I know it is worth it. I am married to a man who has never truly felt special, until he was with me. I have watched this “boy” I met turn into a man (still a work in progress). Is he perfect? No, am I? Absolutely not!
You have to decide for yourself if you want to work on your marriage. Do you truly love this man you married? It’s certainly not uncommon to get divorced, but why be like everyone else? Remind him why he married you (maybe a blow job when unexpected)–cook him dinner–remind each other of why you married one another.
Good luck and remember to do things for yourself as well. You must take time to keep your self-esteem in check. He’s not responsible for how you feel about yourself!
I like step by step lists so here you go:
1. Figure out what YOU want and who you need to be.
2. Do things that will help you get what you want, and stop doing things that will hinder getting what you want, in all areas of your life.
3. Find your own source of happiness outside your husband–do things that give you joy, get a new hairstyle, whatever you need to do. Nurture your female friendships.
4. Always speak to your husband nicely, respectfully, and as truthfully as you can. Even if he doesn’t respond that way, you’ll feel as though you are doing everything you can to keep the relationship civil.
5. If you can get him to articulate his needs, listen to him, and then do at least some of what he is asking you to do.
It’s working for me, so far.
GET OUT!!!
You have only invested two years here. His reluctance to go to counceling and all the fighting is not worth more time out of your life! And cut clean. Do not go the friends route after splitting up. That’s disasterous. First you’ll be able to talk, then he’ll be encouraged to ask for more, it may happen and you’ll vow never again. Then its easier to give in next time. Before you know it, you’ll either end up pregnant, he won’t marry you and you’ll have to take him to court for the child support that you’ll never see anyway OR you will get married again and end up in the same spot you’re in now!
Save yourself from all that in between stuff and RUN don’t walk to the nearest exit…NOW! It’ll only get worse. Then go be happy!!!!!!!!!!
I’m in a similar situation myself… pondering divorce… By the one statement you made that if he wasn’t married to you he would not be with you, kind of makes the answer simple to me! Divorce his ass!
I understand that marriage involves give and take but if the same person is always giving and the same person is always taking that just isn’t the way it should be!
I agree with what people are saying about individual counseling to help you figure out what you want.
I mostly want to say, don’t feel guilty about a legal divorce. Marriage is more than a legal contract. Sounds like you are already divorced to me.
Why would you stay with someone who isn’t loving or appreciative of you when there are other men out there who would appreciate you and your efforts and actually work with you towards your goals for marriage!
To all of you screaming “get out!” and someone you barely know any details about…I’m sorry but, could you be projecting a little?
I think a lot of people stick together through hard times when they would rather leave because “they are married” and I’m not sure what’s wrong with that. In my eyes, that is what marriage is supposed to do, that’s the whole point of that level of commitment.
Call me crazy, but, as long as we continue to become more individualistic and narcissistic as a culture, focusing on “what do I want” all the time, I suspect that marriage will become less and less relevant.
I think she should see a therapist who can help her figure out what her best options are.
Maya, with all respect, this doesn’t sound like a rough patch, based on what she said. She said they have fought nearly the enitre time.
Asking, “What do I want” is a very important question to keep you from looking back on your life one day and thinking it was meaningless. Its not a selfish question, but one of signifigance… Not just what do I want, but what matters most to me? What will fill my life of substance, meaning and purpose rather than mere existence and survival?
I do agree there are surely details left out that once addressed with a therapist, may help bring clarity about her decision.
Sorry Kim, it’s good to see different opinions. Just an observation. I’m probably also letting my experience cloud my advice, we all do. I also worry about giving such direct suggestions without further detail. I think that’s why we all agree on the individual counseling thing.
Ah, what do we want? See…I think we all want the same thing…to be happy. But all the different things we think will make us happy only bring us fleeting happiness and eventually more unhappiness. Real happiness is within us and not “out there.” It’s right now and not in some memory or some future place. That’s all anyone needs to know
The sooner you realize this, the better, I think!
A guy’s 2cents. Dejected, my saga in real time – I have been there fighting my way back. I was insensitive buried myself in my work, I focused on being the best provider and thought it was enough.Then suddenly I noticed the emotional distancing; it was littte stuff but I noticed, she started doing a lot of things on her own even happy hours, she took longer to return calls, text msgs.When I tried address the emerging problem we would fight and she would shut down. Felt like I was lecturing. I wrote emails, text messages No communication. She really became mean. No conversation just one word answers, I seemed to be always finding out after the fact about stuff, she cooked stuff I did not like, bought snacks I did not enjoy and the sex disappeared! I suggested counseling she refused. I was convinced she was up to something. I lost weight, appettite, could not sleep, could not function at work, it was hopeless, started reading everthing I good find on marriage. Then I discovered Alisa’s blog.I spent the next couple of nights reading most of Alisa posts and comments. I came up with a plan. I was going to stop pursuing her period. I was going to focus on myself. Got a great counselor, joined yoga class. Started running again. Something I loved and had stopped doing after grad school and marriage. I focused on ME the whole person, I was going to be happy. I hand wrote a letter to her that simply said I chose to be married to you and I am choosing to do what is right (even if I am the only one trying do right) you can make your own choices but recogonize that what ever has happened in the past is over, choose your own path forward and be happy, she wanted to think about it (the kiss of death divorce by a million cuts) and asked for patience. I still dont know what happened and dont want to know if it was a rough patch so be it. It still hurts some; I don’t know if the marriage will survive. She seems to be trying. My theory in the 4 quadrants of life WORK, SELF, FAMILY and COMMUNITY I was completely out of balance. (70% work need I say more) I have changed those balances and made the family the focus I get home earlier, cook ect we will see what happens. Dejected give him Space and a Timeline to start Working on the Marriage. You must work on you and do all the right things you would do in a great marriage. That is what I am doing. If he choses not to work on the marrigae you know what you have to do. If he decides to join you, don’t just give it up, she is trying but I am not ready for sex yet. He and you must work at the relationship just like when you were pursuing each other. I remind my spouse of the things we did at the start. She has got to demonstrate, not say that she wants the marriage too. Alisa said somewhere marriage is hard work – he has got to put in the work if he wants to be married no substitute. Good Luck! I am happy no matter what happens.
I’ve read a lot (not all, it’s late & I’m tired) of the posts here. All of which are valid emotions I’ve had during my marriage. Here’s my take on the situation…
At the two year mark, I was over it. We fought constantly. We fought every day of our honeymoon. This was not new for us and, quite frankly, was getting very old for me.
I’d asked friends for the name of their divorce lawyer so many times that even I didn’t take myself seriously anymore. It took at least another year before he was willing to go to counseling…not that it helped much. Even our counselor tried to refer us to one of his colleagues who specialized in amicable divorces.
I had this dream going into my marriage that it would be “perfect.” But I’ve since changed my idea of “perfect.” My fantasy guy lacked what all fantasies lack…reality. My dream guy doesn’t blow up the bathroom, never has dirty clothes, doesn’t fail to finish projects around the house and instinctively knows the right things to say.
This is not reality.
In reality, I’ve had to hose down the bathroom with Febreeze, washed thousands of loads of laundry, have lacked baseboards in my kitchen for years and have been appalled at his insensitivity. The truth is that we both have bad days and take it out on the nearest target, if for no other reason than “because we can” or more to the point “because it’s safe.”
Sometimes when he’s complaining that the house is a mess, it has nothing to do with the house. I’ve had to learn not to take it personally because, honestly, I know I do it to him, too. This is not exclusive to spouses, most people have done it to good friends and/or family, too. It’s human. After the yelling usually one of us will own up to what’s really bothering us now, but it took several years to get this honest with each other (and ourselves) and it’s still a work in progress.
There are important things that I remind myself of when we are having a particularly bad couple of days (or weeks, months…whatever). As much as we fight like rabid animals, and much to my chagrin, we get each other. After a year of therapy, my husband said one of the most endearing things to me, “We were meant to be married to each other, we’d kill other people.” Most people would be offended, however, I instinctively knew what he meant. Will they ever make a Hallmark Card out of that? Probably not.
I know that neither one of us is perfect. He has so many little quirks that are more annoying than endearing, but so do I. The only thing keeping me sane at times is knowing that I cannot change one thing about him. Not one, not ever. I can change myself, particularly the way I react to his shenanigans, or my understanding of them.
Which brings me to this…if you’re into reading personality type/self help books, try reading about Myers-Briggs personality typing. “Please Understand Me” is a good place to start. I was amazed at how differently two people could see the same situation and it has helped me immensely.
My final thought I’ll label as “The best piece of marital advice I ever got” which came from a friends aunt (married for 50+ years)…”The first fifteen years are hell.” I figure at year six, I’m almost 1/2 way to heaven:)
I agree about the therapist, who should be able to help Rejected in Minnesota with this decision. She does not seem to have children, but anyone with children, considering divorce, should remember how hard divorce is on kids, and get them help, too.
Alot of the women here have given very good advice but i think the first thing you need to do is just sit him down one day when you both have time to talk not when you are in the car going to the store, talk to him when you are at home alone with no interuptions,and ask him if he still wants to be with you. ask him to be sincere to tell you the truth to reach into his heart and tell you what he really feels. if he starts breaking down and telling you everything hes feeling then listen to him,dont argue with him,let him speak, try to understand what he is saying to you,dont cut him off,if he does that and he says he does want to be with you but thinks that things are not working out, or that you are having problems then you need to start talking. ask him what is is that pisses him off,and once you get your conversation going then try to compromise because that is what marriage is about,compramising. Once you guys really have a good conversation,make an oath to try at least try to see each others point of view. Dont judge each other of the bat,listen to each other before you critisize.
But if you husband tells you that he does not want to talk at all that its not worth his time,that he doesnt want to work on ur marriage.then that is when you should leave him because if he doenst want to put in his part then there is no point of you waisting your time either.
To Maya…Just so you know, I have not been in that situation. I have known too many people who do not consider their own feelings, wants or needs in a relationship. Its all about pleasing the other person. Well, as a woman, we are wired to nurture and it sometimes gets out of control. If a person has only put in two years and there has been no time that was not a battle, it doesn’t seem like there would be any reason to stay. She has nothing to look forward to but more of the same and the situation could escalate. Why put women’s rights and the liberation movement back a hundred years and suffer in silence while bearing his children, slaving away to keep the house, cook his favorite meals and maybe working outside of the home if his income can’t cover all the bills just to keep the peace?
This guy said that he wouldn’t be with her if they weren’t married! What more do you want of this woman? He will break her spirit if she stays with him and then she won’t be able to enjoy her life at all! Because we’re commenting on a marriage advice blog, let’s not throw on our frilly aprons and suddenly become women who married just because they wanted children and are destined to remain married because of them without a backbone of our own!
Stand up for yourself. No butt kissing if he isn’t interested!
Create boundries. Read Co-dependant No More. and yes. Seek individual counciling! It has helped me immensely with a husband who has great qualities but HAS NO IDEA OF HOW WORDS HURT AND also doesn’t understand compassion. When my husband told me he was “resigned” to living in a marriage that he wasn’t happy in. I told him I WASN’T. He wouldn’t go to counciling but after months of self torment, I decided that I needed to give it one last effort and counciling would be it. I went myself. It has helped me to see things differently and get the gumption to tell him that I was not willing to live unhappy. (We lost our oldest son to the War in 2007) and that our son would want us to experience happiness again and not be sad the rest of our lives. If he wasn’t willing to be happy himself, I WAS and I was going to do whatever it was that I needed to do to be around happy people and be happy myself. I think that was a real eye opener for him. Although he hasn’t yet sought counciling he finally did see his Dr and shared that he was angry and depressed, the Doc suggested counciling but he said he wasn’t ready for that. So he gave him anti-depressants and he is a changed man. He sees himself and me differently and I have hope for our happy future together. TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. But don’t allow him to control your happiness and SELF WORTH. You HAVE CONTROL OVER THAT. Do things that you love to do, find your passion and enjoy each day. If he is meant to be, then he will want to come along for the ride, if not, you are a big girl and can enjoy YOURSELF and there will be someone out there who meets your needs.
I think she should see a therapist who can help her figure out what her best options are.
I was there a few short years ago. I had given up myself in order to try to be what he wanted. I was never good enough. He was always better than me and quick to let me know that.
He left me at the hospital when I was in labor with our daughter. I think he went home, but never got a good answer.
A few months later he waited until I was asleep one weekend in a hotel room and left. He didn’t have his cell phone or wedding ring. He refused to tell me where he went. He is lucky that I drove him back home that weekend. I dropped him off and never went back.
I went into counseling that week. We went into marital counseling the next month. He never got it – the world needed to revolve around our family. He wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t a piece of trash. I quit the marital counseling because it was just making ME feel bad.
We still have to communicate regarding our children. I am never good enough according to him. I don’t get it, never have.
I can tell you that the divorce was the best thing I have done – ever.
I have to echo the two things stated over and over: take care of yourself and participate in individual counseling. I am currently working to do both and it is tremendously helpful. Also, consider your locus of control. You can only control yourself. Your husband is responsible for his own choices, behavior, and happiness; you are responsible for yours. You do have the freedom to choose happiness. Do things that will make you happy. Allow yourself to feel good, and if you want to remain married do things that will allow you to feel good about your marriage.
I know exactly what this reader is going through because it has recently happen to me. My husband and I fought a lot and were married for 10yrs with two kids. I tried my damest to meet his needs and did everything for him. He never wanted to try counseling or do much to save it but he didn’t want to be the one to pursue a divorce. He flat out told me that i wasn’t a good wife. So i did what all people are afraid of doing. Made Change in my life. Every decision you make will always have some kind of consequences or reactiong but i didn’t care at this point. After feeling the way i did and not knowing what to do, i woke up one morning and told my husband that i was done and I filed for divorce and let me tell you… it’s the best thing thats ever happened to me. There is a certain point in your life when one is completely done after being pushed way down to all you see is the ground. I was pushed too far. Don’t get me wrong i will always care for him but I’m happy now where i’m at in my life. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the best decisions.