Someone emailed me this question: “I know normal is a relative thing, but is what you write about on you blog normal? Or is it out of the ordinary?”
My answer to that question is this: I have no idea whether or not I am normal, not to mention whether or not my marriage is. I definitely can’t judge whether or not your marriage is normal.
But I’m not sure it matters.
If I wanted, I probably could dig up any number of statistics that would tell me all sorts of details about what the majority of married folks do, feel and think. I might learn, for instance, that the majority of married folks have sex less than once a week. I might find that the majority of married folks have thought about getting a divorce.
I might find out that the majority do not wear lingerie. I might find that the majority keeps secrets. I might find that the majority follows very traditional sex roles.
I might find any number of details, none of which are important to my marriage. They aren’t because what’s normal for most marriages might not be healthy for mine.
Isn’t a healthy marriage more important than a normal one? What if normal was a sexless, loveless marriage, one in which both people couldn’t wait until the other dropped dead? (For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’m too far off the mark here). Is that the kind of normal that you would want for yourself? Even if you currently are living that normal, is it a normal that you want to live for the rest of your life?
If that’s normal, I certainly don’t want it. I can tell you that.
More important, what’s healthy for one marriage might not be healthy for another, right? One married couple might find, for instance, that a little bit of porn spices up their sex life. Another married couple might find that it generates marital tension, conflict, and emotional separation.
So the more important question is not whether or not your marriage is normal. It’s this: What is healthy for your marriage?
This is what is healthy for my marriage:
- We’re partners, who support one another as we strive to accomplish various life goals
- We accept each other, even the parts of each other we don’t understand.
- We, at times, sacrifice our own needs in order to achieve a greater marital good.
- We prioritize sex. That way we’re more than best friends.
- We embrace change and experimentation.
What is healthy for your marriage? Think about it. Define it. Once you know what healthy is for you, you’ll more easily be able to achieve it.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m on my third marriage. I have NO clue what’s normal. I know what’s happen in all three of my marriages, is not what I want in a marriage. But is that who the people involved are all about?
We all have our own baggage and will all have our own issues. And being married or getting married doesn’t resolve our own stuff we carry around with us.
I figure I’m not “normal”. I’m a bit crazy, in a good way. I’m unconventional – because that’s who I am. And I figure my marriages pretty much line up with who I am.
So, my marriage isn’t ideal. But maybe ideal would bore the living heck out of me?
I think respect and affection are the two things that everything in a healthy relationship are built on. Without both, the cracks will appear.
I think you make an excellent point, Alisa – I couldn’t agree more. All this focus on what’s “normal” makes us forget to focus on what’s simply healthy. When did “normal” become synonymous with “good” or “ideal”?
…but is what you write about on your blog normal?
Reading this blog makes me feel normal. Here I thought I was alone. From wanting to kill my husband to bad mommy to how to give a BJ. Where else can you go that gives you straight up info. Thanks Alisa for being so honest and making me feel normal!
You are always so thoughtful and so in tune. I definitely agree with your five priorities and I have to tell you that it’s my mother and grandmother who stressed to me how important sex is!!
.-= Almost Slowfood´s last blog ..Entertaining: Jelly Cake =-.
First of all thanks for posting the question. But after reading the excellent response maybe I should rephrase it. What is normal with regards to amount of compromise and expectations in a relationship? I see the things written on this website and feel comfortable that much of it is what I have expected in my marriage (19+ years btw). However when I look at mine I feel like we have nothing and there is no compromise for what each of us values. I have always joked that women don’t realize the power of sex in their relationships, yet it is non-existant in mine and everything is still “her” way (no compromise). I feel I’ve given up everything in this marriage to the point that I don’t know who I am any more, and that scares me as much as remaining in the marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore to show her I value you her and have her look at me with at least some value. Please don’t think of this as a request for pity. I asked her to marry me I now need to figure it out. I’m just running out of ideas.
My first husband could have written a lot of what Original Poster writes in his comment. Sometimes we get lost in a marriage and really want to find our way and need help in finding our way. In my case, we both compromised for so long that neither felt satisfied. I can remember my husband’s saying to me something to the effect that he wanted me to be happy, and if I was not happy with him, then I should seek happiness without him. I think he regrets those words, because I did choose divorce. I agree with Alisa that each marriage is different and striving for a “normal” marriage would be rather boring. What I have learned with my second husband is the value of communication. He knows how to listen so that we can work together on what works less well. But, then he’s on his third marriage. Working things out this way is very different from the silent compromising that went on during my first marriage, and the bitterness that resulted.
I think there is a big difference between “normal” and “honest.” What Alisa is is “honest.” She describes accurately and with humor her own experience. That is a rare gift, and that is what causes her readers to feel “understood” and to accept themselves.
I agree with you Alisa that it doesn’t matter what is normal in a marriage but what is healthy for your own marriage. Sadly, a lot of what is normal seems sort of dysfunctional. Many of our friends have decided to divorce. I don’t want that to be the norm but I think it is…
.-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..Take a Segway Tour of Jacksonville =-.
I have often wondered what a “normal marriage” really is.
I have been married 3 times. The first one I was young, we were married for about 2 years then I wanted a divorce. Then we decided to try our marriage again and got married a 2nd time. I think it was mainly for the kids that time , which did not work then either. I had been told that if it didn’t work the first time , it would not work the 2nd time either. I didn’t want to believe that and did it again anyway. Of course I found out that it didn’t work.
Then I moved on with my life and meet another man who I thought was the love of my life only to find out after being married for 6 months that he was just a gold digger. Which there was never any gold to get from me lol.
Now I am with a very loving man who wants to marry me. I am very scared of this. In my mind for some reason I keep saying “Well the other marriages didn’t work so this one won’t either”. I am not sure what to do about that. He is the best man a girl could ask for , in my opinion. He will do anything for me, all I have to do is say it and I do love him.
I want us to get married and have a happy life together, but I can’t seem to get past my past.
I would love to know if you have ay thoughts on this. I would love to have a “normal marriage”. When the time does come about.
Heather,
You could do what my girlfriend did. She lived with her man for a lot of years, then finally got married. They’ve only being “legally” married for 6 or 7 years. But they’ve been together for close to 30. They have a very healthy marriage. And he’s a wonderful man – very understanding of moods and emotions. He even hugs me when I’m in need of a hug. LOL!!!
Normal has to be defined by the couple. You said it well when you stated, “what’s normal for most marriages might not be healthy for mine.” Couples have to evaluate what works for them and make that a regular part of the day to day in their marriages. When we spend time comparing our marriages to those of others we miss the joy of learning about what makes our marriage unique. Normalcy seems to take away the adventure of a marriage. Normal seems to connote mundane, and who wants a mundane marriage? (“Not I,” said the cat.)
I have been married for 20 years, I don’t get gifts, flowers, lingerie, candy and he’s not exactly sexual or winning the great dad award. I stay because he pays the bills and I feel selfish. Selfish because the man I was with before was abusive (verbally and physically) and I will never get anyone that will be there for me so I stay. The kids hate it I hate it and he seems frustrated but he wants to stay.
This is my normal marriage life. Really LOUSY
Going to try and make this short, theres alot to our story.My marriage is as good as it gets. It is totally sexless and loveless, Been married 43 years and 27 or so years have been sexless. Husband has had E/D for years, kind of early in his life but like he said thats life. He tryed all the pills, pumps nothing helped. So he decided needless to say there wouldn’t be any sex. He also said his love for me was gone. He transfered to the night shift at work to be away from me. It was like I had the plague. I haven’t touched him or kissed him for years. Now retired and on a fixed income with decent med benefits I can’t leave. I don;t have any family left to go to so I stay with him.He provides me well, I don’t long for anything except affection. I truely hate the man for what he has done to or marriage.
This is so sad to read. What’s the point of being married in the first place if it’s a constant struggle? I’ve only been married for two years. At first I said…the first year is the hardest. Then…the first two years are the hardest. Now I’m getting the “divorce bug” again and I don’t know what to do. I talked to a coworker today that’s been married for 38 years. He’s the most unselfish man i’ve ever met. He always speaks fondly of his wife and does everything for her. I asked him if it ever gets easier. He said it doesn’t. There are times and moments of good stuff, but it’s always a constant challenge.
I’m not co-dependent. I actually function better individually than in a team. Being married holds me back from doing so much because of this idea of compromise. So why is being married better than being single? At least being single I’d be able to do what I want, when I want.
Why has the idea of marriage been shoved down my throat for my whole life as this happy, magical, makes-life-easier, type of thing when in all reality, it’s just not?
I’m so frustrated.
I found myself googling “a normal marriage” after my husband of almost 20 years said to me last night that he wanted “a normal marriage”. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much last night because I was trying to understand the what that actually meant; “a normal marriage”. I love him dearly and I certainly know that we both have made compromises over the years. I believe in marriage and I also believe that in order to have a good, successful marriage a lot of work is involved. But I don’t know anymore… after hearing those words part my husbands lips, I wonder… is there a time in a marriage where it’s time to throw in the towel. Confused…and not sure anymore.