I’ve been thinking about the definition of marriage a lot lately. Legally, a marriage is defined as two people who contract to live with one another for life.
But that definition seems to fall flat. After all, if most of us really thought of marriage as a legal contract, we’d include a lot more legal verbiage. There would be contingency clauses, indemnity clauses, breach-of-contract clauses, and who-gets-the-dog clauses. In other words, if marriage were purely a legal contract, every married person would enter the union with a prenup.
But if you take the “legal” out of it and call marriage “two people who pledge to live with one another for life,” it still doesn’t seem quite right. After all, plenty of people cohabitate without considering themselves married. And plenty of married people don’t live together.
So it’s about more than that.
It’s also about more than two people who raise children together, as some married people are childless and plenty of unmarried people raise children.
One dictionary defined it as “the state of being united to a person …” I don’t know about you, but that sounds a lot like sex to me—and, as we all know, more unmarried people have sex than married ones. (Just in case you weren’t sure, I was kind of hoping that last line would make you laugh).
Some people define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. About that, all I can say is this: Most of the same-sex unions I’ve witnessed have either been just as healthy if not eons healthier than opposite sex unions.
I’d rather define it as “two consenting adults” than “between a man and a woman,” but that’s just me. I’m sure you have your own feelings on the matter.
This all brings me back to the problem of a definition, and, I believe, it’s this lack of a firm definition that has, in part, caused so many marriages to go astray. How can you enter into something and stay in something if you don’t know what that something is?
During the past few months, I’ve come up with a definition. It’s probably not perfect. It, no doubt, needs some work. But I’ll share it with you anyway. It’s this.
Marriage is a promise. It’s a promise between two consenting adults to:
- Prop one another up when one of them is about to fall down
- Try their best to know and understand each other
- Support one another as they both grow into better people
- Face and solve problems together
And, I’m sure there are plenty of additional bullets to list, some of which will probably vary from one couple to another. Yet, if we define and agree on the initial promise and then continually remind ourselves of the promises we made—say once a year on New Year’s or on an anniversary or on Valentine’s Day—perhaps we’d all be a lot more likely to keep those promises. What do you think?
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I like your definition a lot. I like the word “promise” in it. I also think many people don’t realize marriage is a choice. It’s a commitment. Day in and day out, it’s a commitment to be with this person over others. Some days, the commitment/choice isn’t even a blip on the radar. Other days, it’s very noticeable (say when you don’t get enough sleep and just want him to leave).
My dad (I’ve mentioned him before… he has a lot of good tidbits) has said this to me: “Marriage is a business relationship with romantic overtones.” Kind of what you originally said about marriage, the legal side and the pledging side. But I understand what he means. You need to live with someone, make decisions, etc. But the romantic overtones to me is more than sex… it’s the support, respect, acceptance, etc. that marriage has vs. a traditional business relationship (really, you don’t have to accept a business partner’s faults in the same way as a spouse’s).
Just my thoughts initially reading the post.
Your blog always makes me think.
Re. your definition, what if one of the parties does not grow into being a better person, but rather goes in the opposite direction, and does not want to work at solving problems? Is that reason enough for divorce?
Alexandra– 1) I just realized that I’ve been typing your name incorrectly for I don’t know how long (with an “ia”. Sorry about that. 2) I don’t think it’s my place to judge whether or not two people should stay married. Generally, I say that if you’ve tried to fix things and your partner either refuses to try or what you tried didn’t work, then a divorce may be the only viable option. I’m not against divorce; I’m against misery.
Anyway, sometimes I wonder if I knew what marriage was all about (the wisdom I have now) when I married, if things would not have gotten as bad as they did before they got better. That’s one of those questions for which I’ll never have the answer, though.
I certainly think it is a good idea to sit down and decide what the rules of engagement are before getting married. We don’t always have that much foresight but at any given time, it always useful to know what both of you want from the marriage. My husband and I have been working on this ourselves.
Unfortunately as we tried to pin down what our marriage meant to us (indirectly over the years), there were lots of conflicts. Marriage is a difficult adjustment. It is really hard to take on a new identity as a couple and maintain the individuality that drew us in in the first place. Once we both answered the question “What’s your definition of marriage?” we were able to more directly ask for what we wanted/needed… and then let the other shit go.
Knowing what is important to yourself and your partner helps reduce the tension of married life. The sooner marriage is defined between a couple, the sooner the “happily ever after” chapter begins.
I think this is a great topic! My husband and I lived together before we got married, and yet, somehow, once we did get married, things changed, a lot of things for the better, some not. That said, I still believe that marriage has very little to do with a piece of paper–the only time that comes in handy is if/when your spouse is sick and you need to see them in the hospital, life insurance, medical insurance or if/when you get a divorce.
I agree with Natalie; marriage is a choice, day in and day out. I absolutely 110% agree. I think marriage changes things and it does make things deeper, stronger and for my husband and I, marriage has really motivated us to really work it out. I think marriage is a different mindset. A better one, for me.
But, I’ve known couples who were never legally married, and were so completely committed in their hearts, minds and attitudes towards one another, that you’d swear they were married. On the flip side, I think we all know a lot of couples who are married, but it’s clear there’s no love loss between them.
I’ve said this before, but I honestly believe that a person can BE married, and not act married. They can be just living together, minus the piece of paper, and be totally committed in their hearts.
I think a legal marriage becomes more necessary when a couple has a child together, then I think it’s good to make it legal.
I agree with you, Alisa, that it’s a contract between two consenting adults who promise to love, respect, support and accept one another. (Although that is all easier said than done, sometimes.)
As for not knowing what marriage was before you entered it, I feel the exact same way. My husband and I have actually talked about it, and granted, we’re both stubborn people and we both have some health issues, but we sometimes just crack up at how NOBODY told us (even after reading this blog) how hard marriage is. I thought I KNEW how hard it would be, I was wrong. I think this being our first year makes it harder, I’ve heard the first year is the hardest. But, my point is, I’d read the books, found your blog, went to pre-marital counseling, taken some psychology classes and so on; but really, marriage isn’t something you can learn about ahead of time, it’s not until you are married that you really know what it’s about. (And even then, you fly by the seat of your pants, most days, right? But that’s life in general, I think.)
You don’t really know what marriage involves until the ring is on your finger and real life sets in. I do NOT mean that in a negative way, there’s so much about marriage that has suprised me in a very positive way. Before I got married, I did not know the depths of my love for this man that is now my husband, I did not know the depths of my ability to forgive, I did not know the importance of prioritizing sex, and striving to achieve a balance between my marriage and myself. I did not know how unyielding I could be at times and that my own patterns and behaviors aren’t always so pretty. I did not know that marriage would be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in some ways, and the easiest thing I’ve done in other ways. (There are days I still can’t believe I am married, it’s so grown up of me. I know that sounds funny, but it’s true. I love the partnership of it, though, that’s my most favorite thing about being married. Having a friend, lover and buddy–forever–through the good, the bad and everything in between!)
I did not know that day to day habbits, attitudes and actions build up over time, and can either contribute to the happiness of your marriage, or force it down a slope so fast. There’s so much I did not know about marriage before I got married, but you know, I think that’s true about everything in life. I don’t think we know what anything is really going to be like until we’re doing it; marriage, parenthood, jobs, etc. And I love that!
Most of all, I love how my marriage has brought a sense of adventure to my life–it may not always be the most “FUN” adventure, but like anything else in life, it IS absolutely what you make it. It takes TWO to make it and TWO to break it, that I absolutely believe. I can’t say I’ve been bored since I got married, and I like that. So, in closing, I think marriage is so much more than a piece of paper, so much more than a legal contract; it’s an attitude, a choice, and a daily committment to keep going on, together, honoring each other and the promises you made.
On a side note, I just want to say Happy New Year to each and every one of you! I wish you all more happiness in every endavor; marriage, family, career and most of all, I wish you all health! May you be able to recognize the wealth (non-monetary) you already have! Happy 2010!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I’m more inclined to look at it for what it is. I DO happen to believe that the definition of marriage is purely a legal one. You can have the promise and commitment without the marriage and you can have the marriage without the promise and commitment. Marriage is simply our society’s way of making it more difficult to walk away from the promise you made, as well as to give legal credence and legitimacy to spouses being “related” to one another, joined together as family, for financial, healthcare, and parental decisions. Now, we can certainly try to define the promise and the commitment, though, but I think that definition would be unique to each couple, and perhaps even to each individual. My definition of my own promise between my husband and I would probably be dominated by the concept of absolute vulnerability and the knowledge that after being completely stripped naked emotionally, this other person will always be there to bring you some clean clothes.
.-= Aimee Davis´s last blog ..Sign Of The Times =-.
I definitely agree that a marriage is, above anything else, a promise.
And I think I agree with Aimee, above, when she says “[legal] marriage is society’s way of making it more difficult to walk away from the promise you made.”
I think that’s a good thing. I think we should have people around us — society, our faith community — who make it hard for us to walk out on our promises. That’s the point of getting married, I think. The difference between choosing to get married and choosing to simply cohabit is that in marriage, you surround yourself with people that will hold you to your promise. You stand before your faith community and/or you sign legal documents as evidence of your promise. You are making your commitment public so that others will hold you accountable. Not so with cohabitation.
If you don’t plan to keep your promise, I personally don’t think you should bother making it in the first place. You shouldn’t get married if you want it to be easy to back out later. That’s just my opinion.
I like what Nakita said-that a couple should sit down and define marriage each in their own words for each other BEFORE saying “Yes” to a proposal. If they are close enough in agreement, then pick out the ring(s) and plan the wedding. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t thinking with our brains.
My idea of marriage is a manageable relationship rooted in the feelings (love) for each other and capabilities of each of the partners to support the relationship emotionally, financially, domestically. They must also agree to allow for the growth of each member ,within the definition of the relationship, by having friends and continuing to educate themselves. At different times in the lives of the members and the course of the marriage, there needs to be renegotiation of who does what, the goals of the marriage (where to retire, when to retire, who keeps working, getting in a housekeeper once in a while, whether traveling is the main focus) due to health or the different expectations people have at various ages. Communication is the lifeblood of ANY two (or more-in the case of roommates) people living in the same home, let alone a marriage! Without it, EVERYTHING else breaks down. There should be a feeling of security with one another that things will be taken care of in the event of illness or a surgery that renders one unable to perform his/her decided duties as bill payer, grocery shopper, or laundery person, etc. Its amazing how much stress a lack of this temporary dependency can cause.
So, 26 1/2yrs. after not havimg asked these questions and thinking how warm and fuzzy we felt at the time, I emplore those contemplating the plunge into matrimony to TALK TO EACH OTHER about more than the wedding! That is only one day. A marriage can be forever. Nothing and no one is perfect. All is negotiable except violence and controlling. Negotiate frequently through the years and remember what attracted you to each other in the first place. Treat each other like you treat your friends. A ring gives no entitlement to badgering and being mean to a spouse! Smile a lot!
I mull over this question constantly. Not because I’m unhappy (which I sometimes am) but more because I wonder how much work a marriage really requires. What is an acceptable amount of work, strife, etc, and what is draining the coffers? Is it just how you look at it?
I just wrote an essay about this question. Debating on where to place it.
And er… I guess that should have read, “Debating where to place it.” Yay late-night internal grammar police!
.-= Stephanie – Wasabimon´s last blog ..Zoë & Jeff’s Gluten Free Brioche Recipe =-.
Marriage is so complicated and loaded with so many issues – 2 people relating to each other together as well as separately to themselves. And if the two don’t have respect for who they each are as individuals, it’s difficult to be an effective couple, I think. It’s a real balancing act!
Have I ever missed this blog in my absence! I have much catching up to do!
I concur with much of what I have read in the comments. From my perception, marriage is a commitment to a promise. As stated by Kathleen, we have people in our community/society at large who aid us in remaining committed to that promise. Beyond those people, I hope the two in the marriage have that commitment it the forefront of their minds at all times. I see the promise of marriage as one where both parties agree to set aside their selfishness to serve and love one another as much as they have loved and served themselves over the years — and more than that. As each person exerts the effort required to behave in such a way — and it does take effort — I suspect each person will learn, grow, and mature within that marriage.
married life is a bit exciting but you will have lots of responsibilities..”: