How to Survive the Holidays, Part 2
I watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas! each year, and each year, without fail, I notice a new verse that I hadn’t noticed before. This year the verse was: “He has garlic in his soul!”
“Garlic in his soul? Wow, that’s bad,” I marveled.
My 5 year old asked, “What does it mean to have garlic in your soul, Mommy?”
“Oh, it’s just a figure of speech. It means that he’s a bad person.”
She said, “Mommy, there are no bad people, just people who make bad choices.”
I looked at her as if she were the incarnation of the Buddha himself, and I said, “You are right. There are no bad people.”
And then, silently, to myself, I thought, “For the most part.”
My Buddhist meditation teacher had been trying to get this very thing through my thick head for months, by the way. Each week, I’d go to class and she’d explain how all people deserved my compassion. She’d tell me that all people wanted the same thing: to be happy. Some people, she said, were just deluded about how to get to that happy place, so they continually behaved in ways that hurt others.
This all made sense to me in theory and especially which I was sitting right there, surrounded by other people who were all trying to become compassionate souls. Then I would go home and watch an episode of Criminal Minds and I would think, “Serial killers don’t deserve my compassion.” It was a downward spiral from there. Soon, the person who honked at me because I didn’t press my accelerator quickly enough after a light had turned green was just as undeserving of my compassion as that serial killer.
And then I would feel as if I was the one with garlic in my soul because I couldn’t even muster an ounce of compassion for a poor stranger who, for all I knew, might be in a rush to get to the hospital.
I wondered: Could I get to the same innocent place that my 5 year old seemed to inhabit? Could I, if I worked hard at it, eventually come to see the inherent good in all people?
And that thought got me thinking about the holidays and how so many people just don’t enjoy them. What if, instead of feeling resentful, put upon, and thwarted, we all realized that we all wanted the same thing come this time of year?
If we all realized that we had the same goal—to feel happiness and joy—would we fight as much about what to cook for Christmas dinner? Would we stress over how clean our houses are or whether our light displays were just right? Would we worry about buying the right things for the right people? Would we care what people bought us, or would we just feel loved that anyone thought to buy us anything at all?
These questions got me thinking about a conversation I’d had with my husband the day before. We’d just gotten home after spending a few days with relatives. It had been a great time, but I’m an introvert. If you know nothing about introverts then, to understand this story, you must know this: introverts require a lot of quiet time because our thoughts are already pretty dang loud. You put our thoughts in a room full of talking people and we start to feel drained and stressed out.
Coming off of three days straight of Not One Moment of Quiet Time, I was a ticking time bomb, reading to blow at any moment. Problem was, my husband was off at some bike race, so I was alone with our 5 year old, who is just entering that stage in life when she does not stop talking. People had warned me about this stage when I’d first become a parent. When she’d been a little baby, they’d told me things like, “You won’t be able to wait for her to talk, and then once she starts talking you won’t be able to wait for her to stop.” I’d thought that such people were the worst parents in the world. They wanted their kids to shut up!? What kind of parents were they? I would never want my lovely little peanut to stop talking. I was going to love every sweet word that came out of her sweet mouth.
Eh, it’s nice to be naively idealistic every once in a while, I suppose.
To all of those people who were met with my “You Must Be the Worst Parent in the World” evil eye after they told me such a thing: I apologize. Thanks for trying to warn me. You certainly meant well, and you definitely knew of what you spoke.
This past Saturday, every time my sweet little muffin top opened her sweet little mouth to utter something that I’m sure any stranger would think was adorable and cute and absolutely sweet enough to record for the ages, I thought one thing and that one thing was this, “Just shut up already. Just SHUT UP already! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF MY PERSONAL SANITY, JUST SHUT UP.”
When it got to the point that I was worried that I was about to say, “Just shut up already!” out loud, I called my husband and asked him to come home. He did.
As soon as he walked in the door, I could have said out loud what was going on in my head, which was: I just spent the past three days with YOUR family. If anyone deserves ME time today, it’s ME, not you. Where do you get off spending 5 hours setting up for some stupid bike race? Did you really need to do that today of all days? And you know you can’t take more than half of a day anyway. It’s not fair. We’ve talked about this before. You either get the morning or the afternoon, but you don’t get both…
I could have, but I didn’t. Instead, I said, “I need to go for a walk.” And I did. After spending 45 minutes alone with my loud, introverted thoughts, I was much better. Then, when I came home, I was able to say, “Wow, I have a really hard time going day after day with no quiet time. During the work week, I’m alone and no one talks to me during the day and I apparently really need that. Today Kaarina kept talking and talking and talking and I just kept wishing she would just shut up or lose her voice or go to sleep or something. Thank you for coming home because I really needed the break.”
He said, “Anytime.”
And the next day he took our daughter with him to a bike race, so I had 5 hours to myself. And it was bliss. And that would not have happened had I had the former conversation rather than the latter. At least, I don’t think it would have.
It made me realize that my husband and I have different definitions of happy, and our roads to happy don’t always travel in the same direction. More important, sometimes what he needs to feel happy (spending time away from his family) conflicts with what I need to feel happy (spending time away from my family). But that doesn’t mean that either one of us has garlic in our souls. It just means that we need to talk about what we need, and come up with solutions and compromises to solve those conflicting needs.
And this made me wonder if all conflicts are about the same thing—one person’s definition of happy conflicts with another person’s. I wonder if the belief that we all have the same goal–to be happy—could help us better communicate our way through any conflict. It seems worth exploring. What do you think?
If you know what you need to be happy and you know what your spouse needs to be happy, can you more easily work out how you can help each other get to your happy place?
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Tags: holidays
December 1st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
My 6-year-old is in that never-stop-talking phase right now and it’s hard. At least you were only THINKING those things (about wanting your daughter to be quiet). This morning I was actually SAYING, “Could you please just STOP TALKING?” It was 7:45 a.m. and he had been talking without a breath since 6:24. But then I felt terribly guilty about it afterwards. Right now he is doing mazes, and singing Hallelujah, but in a blissfully quiet voice, beside me. I know that’s not the actual subject of this post — it’s more about finding a path to happiness that is different but converges with your spouses — but I just wanted to say how much I relate to the whole scene and the whole struggle!
Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..Lynn Margulis profiled in “On Wisconsin” Magazine
December 1st, 2009 at 7:32 pm
So much of what I read on your blog makes sense to me. I read and think, oh, if I had listened more closely to what made my ex-husband happy, we might not have gotten a divorce. But, then some people are clearer about what their needs really are, and if you are in a relationship with a man who doesn’t communicate, finding out can be hard. So, my conclusion is communicate, communicate, communicate.
December 1st, 2009 at 9:27 pm
First of all, a wave hello to Jennifer Margulis, whom I’ve had the pleasure of getting a signed copy of the fabulous book she edited, Toddler, before she left the Pioneer Valley of Western Massachusetts. (Amazing that we’re reading the same blog in the vastness of teh interwebs).
I think the most important point to learn from Alisa’s excellent post (and building on Alexandra’s comment) is to not assume that what makes you happy is the same thing that makes your partner happy. Each of you is going to have a different idea of bliss, how much time to have with kids, alone, as a couple, at work, at play, etc. And the worst thing you can do is assume you know what your partner wants. So I agree with Alexandra: Communication is key. To break that down even further: Always be asking your partner what would make him/her happy, at the same time let him/her know what would make *you* happy, and then try to reach a fair and mutual consensus. I know, easier said than done. But the key is to ask and not assume.
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December 2nd, 2009 at 10:32 am
I agree with Moriss……always ask your spouse and never A-S-S-U-M-E……. (it makes an A-S-S out of U and M-E.) Communication is definitely the key. Unfortunately at this time of year, everyone gets so caught up in the seasonal events and what we see as obligation, that communication sometimes takes a back seat. We always have a Plan B and even a Plan C sometimes. We start out with what would be optimal and decrease from there until my spouse and I feel comfortable. As for the little chatterboxes…I once paid a child on a long car trip to stop talking. I paid $5.00 for 15 minutes of peace and it was worth every nickel at that time. We are only human, after all.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I’m looking at a mirror, and I don’t like what I see. Every year, the holiday stretch gets more and more tension-filled, to the point that this year I declared would be the year with NO HOLIDAY TRADITIONS. No lights, no big meals, no gifts. And we’re still having arguments.
I suggested getting take out for Thanksgiving, and the family loved the idea. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of picking up a turkey at the store, not intending it to be part of a Thanksgiving meal, but setting off a string of fights.
I guess I should have been clearer in the first discussions, and more open to my husband’s notions of a happy holiday. Not looking forward to the much needed apologetic conversation.
As for the kid talkers, my kids haven’t stopped since they started at one, and I homeschool the 10 yo younger child. For my own sanity, I had to just tell them I need quiet time, or they risk seeing Cranky Mommy in action. This works, a little, but it’s hard to staunch a fire hydrant.
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December 2nd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I am in the strangest, hardest, oddest, most desperate situation ever and have a question and would like advice where can i do that?….
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
My 5 year won’t stop talking and she talks very, very, loud! I constantly tell her to bring it down a notch. I think this is something she inherited from my mother-in-law. (Is that possible?)
I used to think that my sister –in-law suffered from “Garlic in his soul”, during the holidays. But through the years I’ve come to understand her thinking. She has pretty much been on her own since a very young age, and she learned to make herself #1. And I’m totally the opposite. Learning to appreciate, except and understand everyone’s differences has made it easier for me to deal with Family during the holidays!
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
It’s such a balancing act sometimes, especially around the holidays, to try and give everyone what they want. And we all seem to want to be HAPPY around the holidays. It can seem forced sometimes, and that’s depressing. Seeing the joy through the pure eyes of children… it does help.
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December 2nd, 2009 at 11:51 pm
nice blog – I really enjoyed reading this! Thanks xx
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December 3rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
You may have sensory integration issues. LOL I have a boy with a disability who experiences the same thing and so do I.
Too much noise, visuals, touching….too much everything and THEN we both just need time alone.
December 4th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I’m with Maureen. I do have sensory integration issues and I think to an extent my husband does as well. I am constantly trying to learn what makes both him and me happy and I embody the Grinch too. When we first got married, I didn’t know what I needed, how I could get it and give to my husband. Over the years, I’ve come to love my inner grinch and let my husband know (nicely) what the grinch needs (and if that means not having any Christmas decorations up for two years and counting, then so be it!) I understand that he is very much a loner to the point of hermit-ism and when he wants to play video games for five hours straight and not talk at all (which I have a habit of doing A LOT of talking when the mood strikes), then so be it. I think that when we do embrace our inner garlic heart and nicely let others know what we need, then we can all be happier people.
December 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I think that is one of the struggles of marriage, trying to figure out how you can both be happy. And I think ultimately you won’t always get your way, but as long as there is equality then somehow it is okay.
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December 4th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Oh, I can so relate to the introvert/needing to be around people but then needing to be very much lone part. ThaT’S me to a tee. And my husband loves a party and never needs to escape the way I do when I fill up with too much outside “noise.” I’m still trying, after all these years of marriage, to make him understand this. One thing I have learned is that while he may not be able to relate to this, I don’t let myself feel guilty when I tell him I can only take so much or express some other needs he might not ‘get.’ I just tell him we are very different people, and this is who he married, and that’s the way it is. And that is usually all it takes for him to *understand.*
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