14 Products I Wish Someone Would Invent
- A silent line of vacuum cleaners, lawnmowers, leaf blowers and weed whackers.
What happens on the Sex Holodeck stays on the Sex Holodeck.
- A Nap Button for houses. When you press it, it encases your entire house in a noise-free bubble. It prevents the dog from barking, salesmen from knocking on your door, your kid from asking you for more juice or to change the channel on the TV, and your spouse from walking into the bedroom and asking, “What are you doing?”
- A Female to Male Language Interpreter. Similar to those little hand held computers that give you Spanish words for English words, this one would interpret the things that women say in language that men can understand. For instance, when he asks her what’s wrong and she says, “Nothing,” it will say, “Something is wrong. It’s your fault, and if you don’t immediately clean the entire house and tell me that you are sorry and that I look skinny, I’m never going to have sex with you again.”
- Selective Hearing Headphones. They would tune out all high frequency and annoying sounds—such as whining children, screaming babies on airplanes, and Sponge Bob’s voice.
- Mood Clothing. You wear it and it changes colors based on your mood. That way your spouse knows whether or not it’s a good idea to initiate conversation. Green = Now is a good time to ask me for a favor. Yellow = I’m stressed and could really use a hug. Orange = You’d better stay away from me if you know what’s good for you. Red = I might say “yes” if you mention the word “sex,” so go ahead and give it a try. If you don’t initiate, there’s always my vibrator, so no pressure.
- A Brain Meld Laser. You use it on those pretentious, HTTs (holier than thous) who make snide comments about how they are better parents than you—or would be if they actually had any kids. You shoot them with the laser, they suddenly have a full body taste of what your life is like, and they say, “Wow, I’m so sorry. Here’s $100—so you can hire a sitter and have some time to yourself! On me. You deserve it!”
- A Sex Holodeck. It’s like the one Star Trek, only this Holodeck allows two aging out-of-shape married people to see each other as they used to be or as they’d like to be—young, hot and perky. The background could change as needed, allowing couples to safely experiment with public sex and other fantasies in a safe environment that no one else needs to know about.
- Expandable pants. Just by altering a button or zipper or something else, these pants fit and look just as sexy on you in the winter as they do in the summer.
- A self-cleaning microwave.
- A remote control that works in real life. You can pause those precious moments, fast forward through temper tantrums, rewind to relive certain experiences, and tape over those moments that you wish had never happened in the first place.
- A Learn it the Easy Way Brain Transplant. Rather than building wisdom and resilience by learning things the hard way, you just insert this chip into your brain and, voila, you have the wisdom of thousands of persecuted people.
- A Channeling Device. It allows you to send a message to your mother at 11:30 p.m. on her birthday that says, “Sorry I didn’t call. Today was hectic. Love you.”
- Body Image Lingerie. You put it on and, poof, you look just like Heidi Klum.
- A Mommy Time Out Room. Similar to the safe rooms that some people have in their homes, this special room is impenetrable to the outside world. Once mommy is inside, the outside world completely drops away. Poof. Gone. This room is fully stocked with wine and martinis, calorie free chocolate, a hot massage therapist, a pedicurist, the best vibrators and dildos ever invented, and a recording that repeats, “You are the best mother in the whole word.”
What do you wish someone would invent? Leave a comment.
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Tags: inventions, odditites, parenting
December 9th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
#2, $5, #7, #10–I whole heartedly agree! Especially the nap room, mood clothing and Star Trek Sex thing….totally needed things! I also really like the mommy safety room–I don’t need it yet, but I do know some moms who do! I think we all need one of those, whether we’re moms or not, and especially if you are! Awesome ideas, Alisa! Thanks for sharing!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
December 9th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I love them all. I’ve started putting up a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my front door when I’m napping. And amazingly, the dog usually doesn’t bark while I’m napping.
Love the Mommy Time Out Room. I need one for when I need a “time out” from hubby.
The life remote – awesome, can I fast forward thru perimenopause and be done with this part of womanhood.
Also a drug that is safe and makes you happy all the time – but you don’t get the munchies, you don’t get totally spaced out, doesn’t harm your nose or lungs or heart – not only does it make you happy, you can lose weight by concentrating on losing weight, and it gives you a cardio and weight workout without having to actually do the workout. LOL!!!
I understand my hubby and I are different personality types – he’s a thinker and I’m a feeler – but no matter how hard I try to communicate in a way he’ll understand, he still doesn’t. So the language interpreter would be awesome. And it needs to work for what men say. Wife: “honey, is everything OK?”. Husband: “Yeah”. Interpretation: Husband: “I’ve had a bad day at work, my brain is fried, I still love you, dinner was great and lets have some fun in the bedroom”.
My hubby and I have come up with a simple interpretation: Hubby: “I’m staring at the fire”. Which means – I need to chill and stare at the TV and I’m not mad at you even tho my answers are one syllable or just a grunt. And don’t talk to me about anything more important than telling me dinner is ready.
December 9th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
This list was a delight to read. So many of these items rang true to me …. I especially liked the sex holodeck, the wisdom chip, the nap button, and the mood clothing.
December 9th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Alisa – These are a riot. So creative! I could use them all, especially the channeling device when I need to call my MIL and can’t get off the phone with her.
How about this device: The eat-all-the-sweets-you-desire vacuum, which you can use daily to get rid of the calories from all those yummy things like cheesecake and full-fat ice cream and never gain an ounce.
December 9th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Sheryl–I once told my daughter that I wanted to “un-eat” a bunch of cookies. I thought about putting something about that here, in this list, but I worried someone, somewhere would think that I was advocating bulimia. I worry too much, don’t I? Maybe a Worry Zapper should be invented, too. Whenever you feel worried, you just take the worry zapper gun and you shoot yourself in the head with it. (Now that’s definitely going to offend someone….)
December 9th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Hilarious! Although I thought the mommy time-out was going to be so your kids could send you there when you were acting out. Hmmm. I like the Martinis and hot massage idea better. You have me thinking about creating a grad school time out room in our student lounge…!
Althea´s last blog ..Thanks! For Family, Friends, Fletcher, and Food
December 9th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
I’ll take a worry zapper please, and one for all my christmas list!
December 9th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
FIVE!!! Alisa, I always wondered why those mood rings were so small, seriously. If my mood changes, shouldn’t all folks around me be notified without me having to shout or sing it out?Mood clothes, love it. Contact Under Armour and make it happen.
December 9th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Ooh. Sign me up for the holodeck. Since my hubby *did* know me when I was tiny, young and fabulous, I’d love to look like that once in a while.
December 9th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Alisa, I love this list and I love (I can’t say this enough) your sense of humor and complete authenticity.
December 10th, 2009 at 6:28 am
A chiropractor table – you lay down on it and it senses exactly what’s wrong and fixes you.
I’d also like a drink maker – like the hot chocolate ones at Denny’s – but I want mine to give me Cosmopolitans.
And, I recently got a ‘toy’ that is so big, my arms get tired before I ‘finish’ – so I’d like some sort of contraption to hold it for me and do all the ‘work’…
You’ll get right on all of this, correct? xox Thanks…
December 10th, 2009 at 8:55 am
#10 – there is an Adam Sandler movie about this!
December 10th, 2009 at 9:43 am
About #12. I think that’s called a “cell phone” with “text messaging” capability. Look it up. It works
December 10th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Oooh, I have a ton of things I’m going to invent one day if these kids would just shut up and give me some peace and quiet.
I will not tell you what they are though because the internet is full of IDEA THIEVES. Yup.
December 10th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
As for idea thieves, I just have to say this: I do not have the wherewithal to invent any of my ideas, so I really hope someone STEALS them and gets rich off of them. All I ask in return is one free sample for myself, especially the Sex Holodeck. But also a silent vacuum….
December 10th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
#16 Giant robots that shoot lazers and turn into cars
December 10th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
This is the best list ever Alisa. I wish someone would invent a way for people in different states in America to beam down and have a drink together because I want to buy you beers in Ashland, Oregon and stay up all night talking marriage, kids, sex, etc. I have a feeling it would be a life-altering experience!
Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..Founder and CEO of SheWrites.com coming to Ashland, Oregon next weekend
December 11th, 2009 at 9:27 am
I wish someone would invent a product that would cause my husband to take all the hints I drop seriously, like:
Honey, you’ve been threatening to spank me for 21 years, I wish you would just go ahead and do it. Only during sex.
Honey, for once I wish you would just ‘take me’ like they do in the trashy novels I read.
Honey, I wish you’d show me your inner freak. I know you have one. The 10 years worth of Penthouse and Playboy you have boxed up in the garage are proof.
Anyone have any ideas?
December 11th, 2009 at 9:29 am
What is a sex holodeck?
Christy´s last blog ..When the cool peeps you want to know, know the peeps you’d rather not
December 11th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Christy–I think the answer is to stop hinting and start directing. I’ve been doing this a lot with our sex life, because it was getting routine. Once a week, we have an appointment. Before that appointment, we choose who is going to be the “director.” (In other words, who is in charge of figuring out how to keep it from being boring same old same old). When I want him to do something, I tell him, like:
“Please grab my breasts. Harder than that. Harder. You’re being too gentle. Really grab them.”
And it’s not in a controlling way. It’s in a purring, sexy voice–so it’s part of the action, part of the foreplay. If I wanted my husband to spank me, just before I would say: We’re going to have sex and I want you to spank me. I’m not kidding. I really want you to do it. And I might add more instructions if needed, like: “I have a paddle that I bought for you to use”… or “I want it to sting, don’t hold back”… or whatever.
Done.
Re the holodeck: you need to see Star Trek to truly understand. Once you see the holodeck on Star Trek, then just imagine that as a place that two people can go to have sex–anything can happen.
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Why I’m a winner!
December 11th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I want ALL of those products, but especially the holodeck!
Andi´s last blog ..17 Days of Christmas Day 1 through 3 winners
December 12th, 2009 at 2:37 am
I could’ve used #12 yesterday for the very reason listed.
December 12th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
So funny! I definitely would like anything that cancels out noise.
Christine´s last blog ..Nostalgia
December 14th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I notice that this really comes down to only three inventions :
body manager, mood controller, and silencer (with the exception of the self cleaning microwave)- which is not only genius, but seems plausible.
Why do we not have this yet?
December 27th, 2009 at 1:49 am
Dear friends,
Its easier to train ourself than trying to change everything around us.
the life and the success have ever been after those who learned to live in comfort in this odd real world, not after those who always cursed the world and lost their lives complaining about almost everything.
we can live peacefully and accept everything around us when we get to be convinced that everyone and everything around us are living as they are destined.
the life never waits for our convenience.
everything around us will not change for us.
I would like to repeat, ‘its easier to change ourself than trying to change everything els around us’.
gladnews
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:19 pm
I love this list! So funny.
The only contraption I would add is a Universal Pain Detector that measures pain on an easy-to-understand scale. That way, doctors would have an easier time treating patients with painful symptoms, and guys will be able to see how much cramps and childbirth hurt!