Not long ago, a father commented on one of my posts, saying that he was sad and depressed that I was someone’s mother. He went on to say that he was thankful that I was not his wife. I think I’m glad about that, too.
At any rate, I hope he’s not still reading the blog, because I doubt he would enjoy this post at all.
I wish I were the kind of parent—perhaps like that dad who commented—who felt nothing by unwavering love for my child every moment of every day. When I decided to become a parent, that’s truly how I thought I would feel.
And I do feel like that sometimes. Sometimes, I kiss my daughter over and over as I tell her how much I love her. I get all gushy about how great she is. I tell her how smart and beautiful and funny she is. I tell her that she’s the best kid on the planet.
But other times, I’m satisfied if I manage to get through a day without doing something that some innocent bystander might consider cause for calling social services.
I never expected to have Thank God No One Had to Call Social Services days when I decided to become a mother. I’d heard other parents joke about them, but I thought I’d be able to do better. I thought I’d be able to rise above it all. I thought all of my yoga and meditation would transform me into the Zen Parent.
Alas, it will be many lifetimes before I get remotely close to reaching enlightenment. Parenting has taught me that much.
But, I must ask this. Who among you feels a deep sense of joy at the prospect of taking something that looks like this:
And turning it into something that looks like this:
And doing it at 7 a.m., before any caffeine has been consumed?
I did just that this morning, by the way. But I’ll tell you this: no joy was felt during the experience of taking that Lego mess and turning it into that Star Wars thingymabobber. No, what I felt was a deep sense of fear that the most important Lego piece was going to be missing, and so I would not be able to build the Star Wars thinymabobber and therefore my daughter would start crying and eventually accuse me of not properly loving her.
Because that’s how things usually go for me.
Except this morning I actually managed to be a good Mommy and put something together for once.
I also must ask just how jubilant you would feel if you kid’s hair somehow had changed overnight from well-managed, fine, presentable locks and into something resembling a cross between dreds and a bird’s nest? That I somehow found a way to transform that bird’s nest back into something that resembled human hair—all without any of my neighbors thinking that child abuse was going on in my house—that, my friends, is what I call a minor miracle.
While I’m on a roll, I tell you about something else I did not particularly enjoy today. It was when I stood on the sidelines of a soccer field for 75 minutes in the cold, icy rain. I did manage to do this with a smile, even though my fingers went numb from the cold. If that’s not motherly dedication, I don’t know what is. If someone really expects me to actually feel happy about such a situation, though, I have just three words for that someone: You. Try. It.
I didn’t know until somewhat recently that children enjoyed eating their clothes. Therefore, I’m still not used to hearing myself say, “Please stop eating your shirt.” Sometimes I don’t use a completely loving tone of voice, especially after I’ve already said it 179 times in the past 15 minutes. Is that a character flaw? The father who commented on that one post might think so.
Today I hit the refresh button on my email inbox 1,798 times within 5 minutes, while my daughter and I anxiously awaited a confirmation email from Printies so we could start making whatever it is that those blasted things actually are. This confirmation email, by the way, did not arrive in my inbox until hours later—even though the website specifically said that I should wait right there for its imminent arrival. I did not find this experience enjoyable. Do some parents enjoy these sorts of experiences?
Today I also ate at a family style restaurant twice in the same day, and I was thankful for the opportunity because it meant that I did not have to cook at home and then listen to complaints about how no one liked what I cooked. The ten or so minutes that I ate my Mediterranean salad at TGI Friday’s and my eggs Benedict at Perkins were the most relaxing minutes of my day.
Apparently the experience of eating eggs Benedict was not relaxing enough, though, because I completely lost it when my daughter, after whining about wanting to get something out of the gumball machine, accused me of lying when I said I did not have a single quarter in my purse.
I called her a brat. Should I have called her a sweet adorable princess instead?
Just before bedtime, we had a long, deep, heartfelt conversation about how all of the other kids in the world seem to have more toys than my child does. I thought things were going really well for a while. I even silently congratulated myself for being such a calm, understanding mother. But the whining grew louder and the tears went on and on and on. Something in me snapped, and I told her to go to her room before I put all of her toys in her closet.
I suppose there are parents who would have definitely handled that situation better. I’m just not one of them.
I threatened to put all of her toys in her closet again when she complained that she didn’t feel like brushing her teeth.
And, since I was on a streak, I threatened to do it again when she didn’t let me have the pillow I always have when I read bedtime stories.
But, even though I was still mad and annoyed, I managed to read Thesaurus Rex in my happy voice. And I used the happy voice when I tucked her in, too. A truly horrible mother would not have pulled that off, I don’t think.
Oh, some days are bad. Some days are horrible. Some days could go a heck of a lot better. I could beat myself up over it and tell myself that I don’t deserve to be a mother, or I could just be happy that we both live through such days to wake up and see another.
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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
you mean there are parents out there that don’t have Thank God No One Had to Call Social Services days?!?! I think that those parents are LIARS.
I had those days when my child was less than 6 months old, and I continue to have those days. I know my mother had those days well into my college years, so I’m prepared to have them forever.
I even have those days with the husband, I will call them:THANK GOD HE DIDN’T FILE FOR DIVORCE PAPER days. (although I have learned that the hardest and easiest way to make one of those days end is to use those 3 little words…….. “I am Sorry”)
Great Post.
and to mrDifficult: just you wait…
Anyone who calls you out on any of this is a complete and utter moron. You cannot tell me for one second that parents do not have these same exact thoughts at least once a week if not once a day. You are just being 100% honest and 100% authentic about your feelings, and if other parents can’t admit this, then they are nut cases. Being a parent is probably one of the hardest things that there is to do, and you don’t need others judging you because you admit that everything is not roses and sunshine every day. I say you rock! And I can touch you because you are REAL
!
.-= Andi´s last blog ..Saturday Six #2 =-.
Kudos to you for not doubting yourself as a mother. I know I’ve had days that were so trying that by the end I wonder what God was thinking gifting me with so many kids.
If that ridiculous man thinks you shouldn’t be a mom, then he’d probably have mine removed from my home, lol. Yeah, I’ve gone so far as to actually bag up their toys and toss them out (not the good ones). Anyway, I was a much better parent to my oldest,11, when he was younger, than I am to my 4 and 5 year olds. I had much more patience when there was only one child.
They are the sweetest little monkeys, but my goodness they can work that last nerve for all they are worth. Even though those perfect snuggle moments sometimes don’t seem as frequent as those moments that you struggle to maintain composure, they sure can get you through the times when instead of little angels, the are more like little butts. My mom calls all the grandkids “angel butts”, because they are the sweetest little angels and a pain in the butt. However, this is the same woman that called my kid brother a “button hole” for his entire childhood, and he swore it was because he was as cute as a button. Men are clueless sometimes, hahaha.
I always laugh at people that pass judgement like that on others. The reality of it is 1. He’s reading your blog, and if he really feels that way, why is he still reading your blog? 2. Clearly, his projection of feelings onto you as someone he has never met is just his way of feeling better about himself and 3. I’m really glad HE’s not my dad or husband because I would think it was incredibly strange that my husband/dad was taking time away to spend with me to tell some other woman why he’s happy he’s not with her.
I was just having this conversation with my friend last night and how so many people preach their views of what’s ‘right’ onto others. Her neighbor spat at her, called her a devil worshipper and told her she was damned to hell because she celebrates Christmas. Yet my friend has witnessed this woman beat her children, scream and curse in her home everyday and, of course, spit at her with 2 small children witnessing. For some reason, I’m not seeing the logic of how that person is somehow ‘better’ than another.
The reality is that we have all been in your situation (well at least those that have children). We’ve all at one time wished our husband would go away, our own parents, our in-laws, our friends, etc. None of that makes you a bad wife or bad mother – it simply means your human.
So the question is…is it all worth it?
In one of your older posts you said something along the lines of, “The only thing tougher than marriage is parenting.” When I start imagining the thought of having children with my husband, I just repeat your words in my head and remember how much my husband annoys me…and then I think, “Who really wants kids anyway?”
When people ask me WHEN we’re going to start having kids, I tell them, “This lady in this blog that I read says that the only thing tougher than marriage is parenting, and I have enough trouble with the marriage part of that.”
I can’t imagine something being tougher than marriage.
*sigh* Maybe one day…
Your daughter is super cute, by the way!
To make it all worse…and then they become teenagers!
That’s why I favor dogs… ppl still called me a “daddy” and all toys were made fabulous with some peanut butter schmeared on. Anyway, U Know that U are a fine parent. These are just doubts that eek in when U R not feeling UR best. Like Tom Cruise said, “I nothing a little Scientology can’t HEAL!” (okay, he’s a wacky guy) See, UR using UR blog like Tom’s Scientology… UR the next L.Ron Hubbard!
I remember when my kids were younger and involved in every sport sitting at so many games in freezing cold and rain. I used to pray that games would be cancelled when the weather was off and felt like such a horrible mom for having those thoughts! Hahaha
Still it is worth it – there is nothing like having kids and I would not give up one minute of it.
Mary-it’s worth it in a way that I can’t describe. Whenever people ask me that, I end up saying that I don’t know how to describe it. But being a parent is probably the most selfless thing anyone ever does. It may not be the hardest thing (I can think of much harder things). There are joys that far outweigh the perils. I guess it’s similar to any other really hard thing we take on–athletic pursuits, higher education, career moves, etc. The only difference is that it’s a lifetime commitment and it’s 24-7. Well, probably many differences, I’m sure. That’s why it’s so hard to put into words.
Jason: I kind of like being the next L Ron Hubbard. Can I quote that for a testimonial on the site?
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..So THIS is what I signed up for? =-.
To say the truth about our limits and successes is the basis for true love.
Funny thing is that there is always someone so scared by it that they revert to lies (eg.in this case your critic)
who by the way helped a lot consolidating the “courage to be truthfull”, based on the number of responses in this stream.
Hurray for courage!
I’m not a mother, but I already know, as best as one without kids can, that being a parent (especially a mommy) is THE single hardest job out there–and I think that although it gets PHYSICALLY easier the older they get, the more emotionally difficult it gets as well. The birds nest hair thing, yeah, I remember that and my mom weeding through my … Read Morehair with a brush and me screaming and crying at her to stop–I’ve been there. Everyone WANTS more of everything; especially kids and toys–but I don’t blame you for threatening to take toys away–my mom did, and while I didn’t do without per se, I was absolutely taught that I had better be grateful for what I had because there was always someone who had less. That lesson (although hard and not fun to learn) has carried me through life with what I believe, is a way more adjusted and positive attitude. Please try and instill that in your daughter–my mom was strict, but looking back–it’s her being REAL and HONEST and stricter than the other mommmies that made me who I am today. I plan (notice I said PLAN because I know with parenting, you can never really plan) to be the same way. You’re a real person, Alisa, we all have flaws, down days, and dark & hard times–go easy on yourself and realize that every other parent out there is probably feeling your pain–and if they’re not–they’re probably not being honest about it. Parents judging one another is so lame because each family/child is different–and just like marriage, what works for one person, won’t necessarily work for another. I also don’t blame you that your meals were the more enjoyable time of your day, sometimes, I feel that way too–the Mediteranian Salad and Eggs Benedict sound wonderful by the way, I’m glad you enjoyed them so much! It’s all a blessing, food, toys, and even flaws. You tucked her in, no one got hurt, not everyday can be tantrum free (even for us adults) and yes, you can get up tomorrow and try again–because really, that’s all any of us can do–whether we’re parents or not. Good luck and God Bless! And thank you for your honesty, it’s quite admirable!
P.S. I know parents always LOVE their children–it is unconditional; but there’s a huge different between LOVE and LIKE; and I KNOW not every parent LIKES their child all the time. Even if you get bored or frustrated with the mundane and crazy antics of being a parent, and even if you call her a brat, you STILL love her–and somewhere deep down, she knows that. Kids are more resillant, and also more forgiving, than we give them credit for.
-Sarah Liz
In response to Mary:
“When people ask me WHEN we’re going to start having kids, I tell them, “This lady in this blog that I read says that the only thing tougher than marriage is parenting, and I have enough trouble with the marriage part of that.”
AMEN! And THANK YOU! That’s what I say too–still, I might have one or two someday–just not now.
And of course, it’s worth it! I think everything hard in life is ultimately worth it–marriage, parenting, etc….it forces you to grow and learn and again, even though I’m not a mommy myself–the children I do have in my life (freinds’ kids, etc.) are without a doubt the MOST JOYFUL part of my life! Children provide pure and unadulterated joy that is truly amazing! When I think about that part of it, I definitely want kids; when I think about the hardships and how taxing it is in every other way…well, that’s when I think I need to think a little longer!
Thank you, Mary, you rock!
What’s funny is that one day you feel like this and the next you can’t imagine your life without the little buggers. And then…Poof! They’re 18 and moving out of the house (like my son, sniff!).
Oh, man, Alisa. Around here *every* day is Thank God No One Had to Call Social Services Day. My son turned 3 in August–which I was all excited about, since I thought I’d made it through the Terrible Twos without too much scarring. Nobody warned me about the Terrible Threes. The scary part is, the more I talk to other parents about this, the more I hear that it only gets worse. Oy.
.-= debbie´s last blog ..A Sneak Peek at The Brooklyn Kitchen Labs =-.
Alisa, get used to it. Wait until she hits her teen years. Then the “real” fun begins. NOT!!!! Those years are worse, or at least they were for me. But then you get to look down the tunnel and know that they will soon be moving out of the house and dealing with their own bills, rent, car repairs, etc. and you can take some joy in the hassles of life they will have to deal with without mommy coming to the rescue every 5 minutes. (I can say this stuff, mine is 23 years old and living in another state.)
When she turned 21 she turned into a human that I would actually like to hang out with if I weren’t in another state. I loved my child dearly and completely thru all those horrible days. But I do have to say, the parent-child relationship is the most intense, passionate love-hate relationship I have ever had. Yes, there were moments when I hated what my daughter was doing or had done. I still loved her with all my heart, but man did I hate many of her actions.
Yes, anyone that doesn’t worry that child services will be knocking on their door at some point, isn’t raising their kid(s). Just my opinion. Because we all have bad days, our child(ren) are NOT carbon copies of us. Sure they have our genes, but there are days they certainly don’t act like they came from our loins. There were days I swore my child was switched at birth. No child of mine would behave so horribly.
Has your daughter started saying “I hate you” or “you’re the worse mommy in the world”? Those were actually some of my favorite days. LOL!!! Why? Because then I got to agree with her – “yep, you’re right, I am the worse mommy in the ENTIRE world”. And the “I hate you” got “well, sometimes I’m not too fond of you either”. Talk about a 180 in attitude. Loved IT!!!!
One thing an older girl friend taught me: don’t tell your child that you don’t like them, tell them that you don’t like their behavior or what they are DOING. I think they said a similar line in “Raising Helen”. Because when we’re in deep having a bad day, we can communicate that we don’t like our child, our spouse or our best friend. But truly, we didn’t like what they DID, not that we don’t like/love who they are.
Here’s what my daughter wrote in my birthday card this year: “I miss you very much and love you tons”. A card she sent a few years ago is even more endearing. I would quote it to show how awesome they become when they are adults (to give you hope that it won’t always be this way), but it’s out in the shed in a file drawer. But it brought tears to my eyes and I’m not usually a mushy person.
You’re a good mommy, Alisa, that has bad days. We all do. And like spouses, we do need to work on our relationship with our kid(s). Not in the same way. But there is a lot of acceptance that they are not clones of us that we always get along with.
NOTE about L Ron Hubbard – other than his money, I don’t think you really want to be him. He doesn’t have too good of a reputation. Read the internet if you want to know more.
Amen. Actually I think I wrote the exact same article almost 40 years ago when I had three kids under five (OK, you’re smarter than I am on that one!). It gets better. Then it gets worse. Then it gets better. You know…life!
Another awesome post! My blog has a number of posts where I just ramble on about how I want to kill my children…this time was particularly memorable: http://stampinwhenican.blogspot.com/2007/05/another-vent-today.html
The optometrist and his staff always ask after the kids now since they have become “those kids”…I swear they have “WANTED” posters all over my hometown with their pictures on it! Even the public health nurses call my children spirited which says a lot since they see hundreds of kids a year!
.-= Allison´s last blog ..Second Sneak Peek =-.
Thanks everyone for bringing me up. Yesterday was a much better day. I was a better mom. She was a happier child. Whew. I needed that.
Kathy–I was totally joking about the L Ron thing. The only part I want to emulate (sort of) is that he has a lot of followers, and I’d like this blog to have just as many followers. But I’m using the word “follower” in a difference sense, of course.
You know, the hardest line that she says is this one, “You don’t even like me” or “you don’t love me.” It always takes me a back. I always think, “I tell you how much I love you 100 times a day!” But I have to remind myself that she’s just trying to manipulate me into doing something. Oh, it’s such a joy.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..So THIS is what I signed up for? =-.
Alisa…
Dear God, please lighten up on yourself!!! We are not perfect, marriage is not perfect, parenthood is not perfect!!! You sound like you have a perfectly NORMAL life, here.
I grew up under so much scrutiny because Mom didn’t want to look bad among her peers. In eighth grade, when I hade discovered rolling my own hair, she wouldn’t let me do it for church. I could pick out my own clothes for school, on Sunday it had to be her choice. Whenever I was being myself with friends, she always criticized what she heard and made me feel self conscious. She would tell me that she bet my friends didn’t act “that” way towards their parents if I did or said something she didn’t like. I became enlightened. Then when she argued I wasn’t around them 24 hrs. a day, I would tell her she wasn’t either.
Relax that feeling about what everyone might think of you as a parent. The kid will end up with such self-consiousness she won’t be able to fart without looking around for your approval! Its hell to be my age and still look for the favorable nod wherever I can get it. I’m a bit artsy-craftsy and have been successful a big part of the time with baking. If I like you alot, you’re liable to receive one or more of my creations. I’m proud of those things, yet when I am handing it to you I look a bit like a child who has made a crayon drawing and wants desperately for you to hang it on the refrigerator!
I feel that way too.
Having been one and having had one, I know that children are manipulators. Like us they will go down the easiest path to travel. If there are weeds, they will find a way to get you to cut them down so they can be on their way without so much as a thank you. You have to be the big dog. Set the rules/mood. You don’t ask children to do things, you use “I want” statements; I want you to pick up your toys and put them in that crate over there, I want you to play quietly while Mommy has her coffee and then we can make something with your blocks. If a piece is missing, “Oh! A piece is missing. Only one piece. It looks like what you wanted except for that piece. Its ok, because nothing or nobody is perfect!”
Rock on, Alisa…in all imperfection…and in peace and freedom! Perfection is hard to live up to.
You should say this all in a little book. That last sentence has a Dr. Spock ring to it (and it rhymes): “I could beat myself up over it and tell myself that I don’t deserve to be a mother, or I could just be happy that we both live through such days to wake up and see another.”
I see an illustrated children’s book told from the mother’s viewpoint of what some days are like. I know an illustrator I would recommend.
I commend you for being so honest about parenthood and marriage and for doing this blog. I always love getting your updates in my inbox. The reason I love reading them is because you are one of the few women I am aware of that is actually honest about these two subjects. It’s exhausting being around women who are always praising themselves for how perfect they are as mothers and how perfect their marriages are, especially when you’ve had some bad days in one or both catergories. So many American women feel the need to put on a facade and real life just isn’t like that. Keep it up!!!
Alisa, Your thoughts are what a lot of parents are thinking but too afraid to admit. I also want to say that I know you with your daughter and it’s obvious that what she feels from you is pure love and acceptance. She’s a happy well adjusted child. Expressing your thoughts here is the way to go. Moms need a place to vent and gain support. The ones that don’t are the ones that are in danger of losing control. My daughter is now 23 and we’re the best of friends, but very, very similar situations occurred with us as she was growing up. The picture of the disassembled toy made me laugh so hard! I had that same thing to deal with as well. It wasn’t funny then, but it is now when I look back on it. At least you called her messy hair a bird’s nest. I called my daughter’s morning hair a rat’s nest once and she became hysterical thinking a rat was living in her hair. I felt horrible! After much explaining and calming her down we referred to tangled hair as a bird’s nest.
Sounds just like my house
.-= Geoff´s last blog ..Setting time on Ubuntu server =-.
Alisa, first I have to say she’s a doll!
I read this post the other day but had to come back to comment after I had a couple of *those* days in a row. The full story is in my blog, but basically we were without heat and hot water for several days, money stress to repair said problems, general stress from trying to coordinate the repairs…you name it, we were stressed and of course, the kids picked up on it and went completely berserk.
So, today it reached a head and I had to take 3 of them to the grocery store. They’re tired and acting out, I’m tired and have just completely had it and I’m sure we made a really pretty picture in the store. You know, why did she have those kids if she’s just going to snap at them? They need discipline! If she’d put down the cell phone and pay some ATTENTION to them…you know the things people think and then post on the internet.
And I couldn’t help but think that maybe most of their opinions would change if they saw the entire picture. All the days were I’m a pretty good and together mom and don’t feel the need to answer the phone right then in case something exploded. If they knew what sort of week we’d all had. If they took a second to reflect on the inaccurate pictures others might have had of them if they caught them on the wrong day.
Of course, I’m as guilty as anyone of making these snap judgments. It was just a food for thought sort of reflective moment in the checkout and then the 2 year old ran away and had to be grabbed by a store employee before he got to the parking lot.
I remember once writing that sometimes when I’m out with the kids and they’re being little hooligans some kindly person will say to me “Enjoy it, it goes too fast, they’ll only be little once” and although I know they mean well, sometimes I kind of feel like telling them “What about me? I’m only going to be 35 once!” Which is not to say I feel I should be allowed to be completely self centered, just that it feels an awful lot like I just disappear and their needs are all that matter.
Which is not to say I don’t think that adults should have to be the adults in the parent child relationship and suck it up and give a lot more than they get for those first two decades, just that we’re humans, too. We won’t be perfect. It’s natural not to really enjoy getting kicked in the back while you’re trying to sleep for half a decade or dread another school event or kind of wish your kid had batteries you can take out when they go through the talks-like-Elmo stage.
My children are the world to me and yes, they are worth it even if I don’t enjoy every part. And some people need to stick their sanctimony about parenting where the sun don’t shine.
I love my children – some days, I don’t like their attitudes, or their actions/reactions, or their “snappy come-backs”, etc. And I honestly feel ALL parents go through the same emotional roller-coaster daily (with some kids, hourly). =/
As good parents, we know our limits, we know our failings, and we know our strengths – we are realistic about life, no matter how many fairy-tales we’ve read & hoped to live someday.
A good day – I am always told how well behaved my children are out in public – for which I am truly grateful – and yet once we’re home, they “cut loose” and are no longer the well behaved children of only moments before. On the one hand, I understand, they were on their best behavior as mom requested, and felt it was safe to relax once home … on the other hand, couldn’t they have given mom and extra 20 (or even 10) minutes before reverting to their natural selves ? LOL
A really bad day – One of my children, I have always said, knows exactly how to push mom’s buttons, knows exactly when mom is hanging by a thread – and there is said child bouncing on that thread “just because”, pushing mom beyond her limits, and practically begging her to lose it ! Those who say no child asks to be disciplined, LIES ! My child has since outgrown such activities, thank God, but oh how I remember – and while I can laugh about it now, it was a miserable time, then.
My children are completely worth every good & bad moment of life we have shared – all the good moments made those bad moments forgettable, made them seem so unimportant. (and yet, you know we’ll remember every one of those moments when they bring home the boy/girl of their dreams, and use them to embarrass our children and “threaten” them with having kids “just like them” ! LMAO)
Perspective – I have always heard, to reach the flower, one must first get past the thorns – and that your journey through the thorns makes the flower that much more beautiful.
Next time you see an in-bloom rose, count the thorns along the stem – then count how many of those soft petals make the flower. I’m willing to bet there are twice as many petals as there are thorns.
Enjoy the thorns – for without them, the flower would be meaningless.
I stumbled upon your blog today and in addition to cracking me up and making me feel half way normal, you may have just saved my sanity AND my marriage. Thanks for sharing your moments and thoughts with us~even if not perfect or glamorous. This is exactly what I needed today!
This might sound horrible, but the only two things that truly chill me to the bone are the thought of developing cancer and the idea of having children. Does that make me a terrible person? I see parents I know struggle and I think, “Holy crap, I don’t think I’d be able to rise above squat.” That said, I still get ovary twinges when I hold babies, so it’s still a possibility. Sigh.
.-= Stephanie – Wasabimon´s last blog ..What Am I Thankful For? =-.