At least, I think I was. I’m not completely sure, which is why I’m writing this post—so I can find out what you all think.
Many of you responded to What To Do When Your Partner Sucks In Bed. Some responded here in the comments area, others on Facebook, and still others in personal emails sent only to me. The upshot of most of the responses was this: Any woman who has been faking orgasms for years ought not to come clean. The reasons why she should keep her lips zipped varied. They included:
- The male ego is very fragile. If her husband learned that he’d never once pleased her in bed, he might end up traumatized for life.
- If her husband found out that she’d been lying throughout their relationship, how could he ever trust her again?
- She could teach her husband how to pleasure her in bed without dinging his ego at the same time. Rather than mention that she’d never orgasmed, she could mention that she’d like to enhance their sex life and try some new things in the bedroom.
When I got the first few comments about the fragile male ego, I thought something along the lines of, “Oh, come on. Are you telling me that men are THAT sensitive?” So I posed this hypothetical to my husband, “Let’s say I’ve been faking all of my orgasms for years. Would you want me to tell you?”
His answer? No.
And he didn’t even follow up with a, “Well, have you?”
I was blown away. Were the situation reversed, I WOULD want to know. For many years, in fact, I sucked at giving blowjobs. (Yes, that pun was intended, and, yes, I try to use the word “blowjob” as often as possible in this blog because I like that word. For some warped reason, the word “blowjob” is one of my favorite words of all time). Whenever I asked my husband about my technique, he lied and told me it was great. I knew he was lying because, whenever I tried to give him a blowjob, he aborted the mission before completion, pulling me away and suggesting we have intercourse instead. I never once was able to get him off with oral. I knew I was doing something wrong. Just knew it.
So I read up on the matter. I asked some gay male friends about it. I ordered a “how to give a blowjob” DVD. Now? I give a fantastic blowjob. If you don’t believe me, just ask my husband.
I was never mad at my husband for lying about my technique. After all, he was lying because he loved me and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. More important, it doesn’t really matter. It was probably easier for me to read my way to a better blowjob than to have my husband try to teach me. After all, what does he know about giving a good blowjob? He’s never given one.
And even though it doesn’t bother me that my husband lied, I am a person who values honesty, especially honest feedback about my behavior, skills, and talents. My favorite friends are the ones who can be brutally honest when I ask them how my hair looks or what they think of my writing. It’s that kind of honest feedback that helps me grow into a better person.
That said, I value a certain amount of discreteness, too. For example, if my husband slept with someone early in our relationship and he never slept with that person again, I wouldn’t want to know about it now. I’d rather live in ignorant bliss, because there’s nothing I can do about it now. That information could only do one thing: cause me pain.
For this reason, I believe a certain amount of deception is a normal part of marriage. I’m almost positive that my husband has kept some secrets from me. I’ve kept a couple from him. I’m guessing most of you would say the same.
Which brings me to this poll. I’m very curious how you all stand on a number of issues. I want to state right up front that I don’t think there are any right or wrong answers to any of these questions. I’ve included this poll in hopes that we might all educate one another about the various different ways to see the same situation. I also encourage you all to leave comments based on any of the poll questions, for the same reason.
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not sure there’s a one size fits all solution to this. It depends on the couple the dynamics between them. Some men would be deeply hurt. Others might not be. The problem here is that the woman has trained her husband to be bad. He has been rewarded for it by her having orgasms–or, to be more exact, faking orgasms. Now she wants to change the situation. In most cases, I would vote for #3. Also, there’s another side of this. Perhaps she’s not so great in bed either. Has she asked her husband about how he feels about their sex life? It seems that there’s a total lack of communication here.
I never comment, but I love your blog. Honestly, I just can’t believe the answers to your polls!! I would want to know if my husband had had an affair while we were together. No matter how much it hurt me, I would hope that we could be honest with each other. If I wasn’t good in bed, I’d want to know! For the first 6 months we were dating, I didn’t have an orgasm. I don’t O from vaginal intercourse alone (like most women, I came to find out). I faked it because I thought there was something I just didn’t get…that it was something I was doing wrong. I thought, “Is this really all sex is?? Why was it made out to be such a big deal??” Granted, my now husband was the first person I’d ever had sex with, so I had no idea that something was wrong. 6 months into it, I found out that most women don’t O from penis-in-vagina sex. 6 months into it, I told him I’d been faking. He wasn’t hurt because he’s realistic enough to know that there’s no way he could have known. He regretted that those 6 months hadn’t been as enjoyable for me as they could have been, but he didn’t blame either of us. We figured it out and moved on. 6 months into our relationship and the sex got to be out of this world for me. Of course, 6 months isn’t years and years of marriage, but think what you BOTH are missing out on!!
I would want to know if it wasn’t the best it could be for him. I wanted him to know when it wasn’t the best it could be for me. I’m convinced that honesty is the best policy in this case.
I must admit I am fairly astounded by the level of tolerance some women have. I felt quite like a prude after reading the percentages of women who would not want to know about something and who willingly lie to their spouses. I don’t care how many years have past or how far something is behind us. If something happened and my husband was mulling over whether or not to tell me, that says to me he should tell. Furthermore, if I notice the mulling at any point I’m am going to ask about it anyway. In the same way, if something was racing in my mind I would tell him and hopefully spare us the agony of letting a secret drag out for years. Even with the (potentially) damaged egos and flaring tempers, my hope would be that we want to be married more than we want something that happened years ago to separate us. I think of it less in terms of “Does it matter if [spouse] knows or not?” and more in terms of “Will this clear a conscience if it is shared?” I just think that if you are ruminating over something that much and it is still a thorn in your side after years and years, it’s probably best to present the information and deal with all the emotions expressed thereafter. My thought is that such actions could offset the disappointment that could stem from continuing to withhold the information.
I love your blog, I love you, I love your blog and you.
If you know what movie I ripped the basic make-up of that quote, I’ll buy you a burger the next time I see you…
xox
Well there are not that many movies that have “blog” in them, so this might be easy. Julie & Julia?
Nope – that’s why I said ‘basic make-up’ – I put the ‘blog’ in there myself, you know, made it our own.
.-= Julie Roads´s last blog ..Go get it. =-.
Oh man, this is going to plaque me until I figure it out. I really hope I saw the movie. Of course, I could always cheat and google the phrase and see what comes up. But not until I exhaust some thinking juice on that matter.
I’m a real stickler for honesty. However, I have said a few “white lies” to my hubby. Once when I was away from home, he called and asked how I was. I answered fine, even tho I had a wee headache. Later that night when we talked again he got furious with me for “lying” by not telling him about the headache. Please, I did NOT consider that a lie. What did it matter that I had a wee headache? I also told him I’d washed my face after our puppy licked my face before we kissed. I wasn’t still wet from the dog kisses, so I didn’t think it mattered.
I’ve never faked an orgasm with my hubby. But I faked them when I was younger and dating.
My hubby and I have totally different viewpoints about what from our pasts should and should not be talked about. I believe in complete and full disclosure. He likes to leave details out of our conversations. Such as: we (he and some other person) went to some place. My response is don’t leave me in a mystery, just say who you were with. But he refuses to tell me. It drives me crazy.
By him not wanting certain information it gave me a problem one day. He was telling me about going motorcycle riding with this particular guy. I asked who the guy was, since it wasn’t a girl. Well, he told me the guy’s name. It happened to be an ex-boyfriend from many, many moons ago. Well, since he didn’t want details about my past, I couldn’t say “oh, I used to live with him”. So, I sat on it. Then he brought the guy up again in another conversation months later. I really despise this guy for the hurtful things he said and did during and after our relationship. So, I finally had to tell my husband to stop talking about this guy. But had there been full disclosure beforehand, I wouldn’t have been reminded of this guy in the first place.
So where does a couple draw the line?
I agree I would want to know if my husband had an affair or if he hired a prostitute way before our time. & i know my husband would want to know if he sucked in bed or not. I would tell him and I know he would tell me if i was doing something wrong. Just like you Alisa I used to suck at blowjobs but since I would ask him he would let me know what he likes or doesnt like,but as far as sex if i like a certain position more i would let him know and he does the same he lets me know what he likes best and what he doesnt like,
But I do think it is very important that their is an open an honest relationship were you can tell anything to your partner you shouldnt have to lie or pretend something.
You’re a tease! What did you do differently after the advice and the DVD that made such a difference? Now I’m gonna be wondering…
Julie: Sex and the City? (“Shoes” instead of “blog”?)
Or Twilight (“family” instead of “blog”)?
Otherwise, I’m stumped. And I really like burgers. Dang.
First, I owe you an apology. It was a TV show – it was on Will and Grace – Natasha Lyonne was guest starring and she wants to be just like Grace, and then Karen. When she meets Grace, she says, “I love you, I love your shoes. I love you and your shoes.” – So I’ll still buy you a burger b/c you did get the shoes and I mislead you. And because the chances that I was quoting Sex and the City were so hugely high. I mean, come on.
.-= Julie Roads´s last blog ..Crystal balls, English accents and tea leaves =-.
While I agree that I prefer honesty (to the point that I have “vomit mouth” often), I do think there’s something to be said about “biting your tongue” too. If all you’re saying to your husband/wife are the things that you wish would change or things that need improvmement within your marriage, how is that going to benefit yoru relationship? I am a naturally anxious person and have a million ruminating thoughts a day… often centering on my marriage (that’s where my anxiety goes eventually, without fail, even though I have a good marriage). If I told my husband EVERYTHING that was bothering me, I don’t think I’d have a husband for much longer. He’s a patient man, but I’ve learned there’s only so much “fixing” you can talk about before you actually have to say, “OK, I’ve mentioned this before. Time to give it some time to see if it can be fixed before bringing it up again.”
That being said… the topic of sex can be a very sensitive subject for many where egos are concerned. You enter marriage expecting to be able to connect on a sexual level without effort (unrealistic expectation). You don’t want to hurt your spouse’s feelings by saying, “Could we try this instead?” But, you HAVE to have those conversations.
I would err on the side of #3 also… not flat out saying “I haven’t been having orgasms,” but talk to your spouse about your sex life, see how he/she feels, and see how you can spice it up. No blame is being placed, no egos bruised, confidence levels may not decrease, and you could have fun with some new ideas. The woman could also say, “I’ve read this increases women’s orgasm during sex. Wanna give it a shot?”
We all want sex to be easy, but honestly, it’s more of a skill that needs to be learned between the two partners. At least that’s my opinion.
Cheating – I’d want to know. It would hurt, but I’d want to know. Because, in my opinion, cheating is a symptom of deeper problems in a relationships. If there’s something wrong, whether or not it can be remidied after the cheating has occurred, I’d want to know if only to better myself.
Okay–so how many of you want me to write a blog post about how to give a great blowjob? If it seems like a lot of you want the info, I will write it. If it seems like a lot of you will think “INFORMATION OVERLOAD” then I won’t. You can comment here or message me directly at alisa@projecthappilyeverafter.com
I would want to know everything. I like being able to make INFORMED decisions. When someone close to me intentionally withholds information, they are sneakily manipulating my decision making process and/or how I view them, and that really chaps my ass. Knowledge is power, ladies.
I’d love to hear your take on how to give a great blowjob… I think that your take on “how to” would be stimulating… (wow that was bad, but oh well)
I don’t think I would want to know about cheating. IF it was in the past at a bad point in the marriage and would NEVER, no way, no how happen again I wouldn’t want to know. I once found out about an ex boyfriend that cheated on me – 4 years AFTER we were long long over, and I was still hurt. With that being my personality, that I take hurts to heart and remember them for ages, I don’t think I could survive that sort of knowledge and stay married. I’d be totally devastated.
speaking of exes and fake orgasms, I once admitted to a boyfriend that I was faking them (granted i did it in the heat of an argument, it was still the truth – just doubly hurtful.) And soon after the relationship was over. That wasn’t something that he could handle or we could survive.
and on the other hand I think I WOULD want to know if my partner wasn’t satisfied in bed, but don’t believe there to be a good way to bring it up without somehow it being hurtful to the ego…
yes alisa please do so write a post about giving a good as blowjob!!!
My husband and I have recently begun to talk very openly and specifically about sex (among other things we are being honest about), and while I’m getting better, I still suffer from being shy about my wants. I’ve never O from intercourse and we are currently working towards it. I never faked it with him, so it was never an issue, but we are working on a lot of things in our relationship, so the O is one of them. Sorry, but don’t need advice on the BJ, he says I’m pretty good at that already!
I can understand how a guy would be putoff if a wife had being lying about the O for YEARS. It might be easier to take early on in a relationship, but I know my husband is sensitive about his prowess, so to speak, so after years of lying about the O? Tread lightly is my advice.
I’m all for full disclosure in a relationship (sometimes too much, in fact). I want to know everything, especially when it comes to sex. It can only benefit both partners to know what works and what doesn’t. Fragile territory, yes, especially when there’s already been years of misconception… but would you rather suffer in silence? I wouldn’t.
That said, though, full disclosure gets tricky if you know it’s harmful to the other person in a way that can’t be remedied. I agree that if my husband had slept with someone early on in our relationship, I wouldn’t want to know now. In theory I’d want to know because I get a weird high off knowing everything — but as I was in tears from finding out, I’d curse myself for being the curious cat, wanting to know something painful, unchangeable, that means nothing to the current (happy) state of our relationship.
And yes yes yes absolutely to sharing blowjob tips (I too have an odd fondness for that word). I think lots of BJ-curious women, especially the ones too shy or embarrassed to outright ask about it, would benefit from such a post… and pass it on.
Up front honesty about orgasms and major concerns within the relationship is something I do believe in 100%. It’s those little things that I know I’m blowing out of proportion in my own head that I tend to keep to myself until/if they become a problem that I need to talk with him about.
As for the post on BJs… please, bring it on.
Yep, I’ve faked the O. And your offer of spilling the beans on a better BJ? I really want to read that post, Alisa. Start typing!
Okay, I am of the “I’d rather know” variety. All things tend to come out eventually. Therefore, if it’s bothering him then he should tell me. I, on the other hand, suffer from TMI. I will tell him everything that is bothering me in a slightly mislead effort to purge my mind and gain some peace. Unfortunately, my voice tends to put hubby to sleep and that starts a whole new “discussion”. Then again, I’m so paranoid that every few years i give him a free window of absolution. “If there’s anything you want to tell me, I won’t hold it against you”, kind of deal. Like I said, I’d rather know.
Now, about the blowjob. The best advice I ever got was from a group of gay friends. However, I’m willing to add to my repertoire, so feel free to dish.
This is so hilarious. I love that you love the word blowjob. Apparently there’s a great book for men about how to go down on women called She Comes First (I haven’t read it but I hear it’s a winner). I think healthy communication about sex is really important but there is no real reason to PRETEND to like something that you don’t. (That said, I agree that there’s no reason to “come clean” if you have been faking it. Luckily, this isn’t an issue in my marriage!)
Alisa, Your honesty and tone is hilarious! I enjoyed reading this post. Ok, now, I’ve been married a very long time – 28 years. I believe in honesty in a relationship, absolutely. However, I also believe in sparing one another hurt feelings. That said, I think if someone strays and they tell their spouse, it’s more to ease their conscience than to protect the spouse and have a totally honest relationship. I’m NOT advocating cheating on your spouse but just a little discretion when it comes to totally hurting their feelings and ego. I think it’s all so individual as to what you want to say and how to say it. The situations have to be weighed carefully as does the repercussions of telling them. If your spouse sucks in bed, there are better, more tactful ways to tell them than just coming out and saying, “You SUCK in bed.” You can say you want to work together at making your sex life more exciting; you can gently guide the lovemaking to be more the way you like it, etc
I believe, wether a woman should talk about faked orgasms or not depends of the reason. If they live in a healthy relationship and the problem is just poor technique #3 will work. If they are not satisfied because of emotional reasons like not feeling accepted, safe and connected during sex the issue should be adressed as it is a symptom of underlying relationship problems that need to be solved. When my wife told me she had been faking orgasms for years this was very important to me to understand how much I had estranged from her