Comments on: How to Gain the Upper Hand

By: DMH

DMH — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 15:08:55 +0000

amazing stuff Alisa. Thanks again.

Power in my book, is held by my wife most of the time. There are some instances in which the power transfers to me, but not that often, lol. Since we’ve been going through some struggles, it seems as if the power tends to stay with her. Go figure, if a man has power in a marriage, he’s considered domineering but if a women holds most of the power, she’s just being a woman. Hmmmm…..

By: aguyreader

aguyreader — Tue, 04 May 2010 16:38:18 +0000

random:
I am told the ‘upper hand’ comes from card playing terminology, in that the person with the best hand will win the game.

By: Willing 2 try

Willing 2 try — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 08:34:45 +0000

Hi! I am in my 2nd marriage and I didn’t have the the power struggle in my first as I do now. It’s been going on for 3 years now. I am wanting to try to work us out before throwing in the towel. Your story is not exact, but really close to what I am going through. When I do try and stand my ground he says I’m the bad person. So, I am going to try to just be more patient and forgiving and see if it helps, but at the same time keep standing my ground and not feel wrong or guilty when I know I am right!. Thanks again!

By: AGuyReader

AGuyReader — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 17:20:59 +0000

Easily the best thing I have read on this site.
It has given me alot to think about.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 03:06:46 +0000

I took back my power (not more or less than my hubby’s). I decided/realized that I would not “die” if I was not married anymore. Just that decision/realization has made all the difference in the world to how I view my hubby and our marriage. And that gave me power. Another way of putting it – I don’t feel trapped in my marriage anymore. And from not feeling trapped, I stick up for myself, when I used to just take the “crap” my hubby dished out. Whether it was just his tone of voice that didn’t “feel good” or if he actually did something that made me have hurt feelings.

Do either of us have more power than the other? I don’t think so. But in some regards, I think I have more power – he doesn’t like doing the stuff I do around the house – cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping. If I walk, he’s stuck with all of that until he finds someone else. For me, if I walk, it’s one less responsibility I have in life – taking care of a grown man that can take care of himself (he was a bachelor when we met, it’s not that he left his mommy and then I started to “care” for him). I’m sure he thinks I’d be “devastated” if he walked. But that is the growth I have achieved in the last few months. I wouldn’t be. And for me that is power for myself.

We just returned from a four-night vacation. I fell head over heels in love with the town we visited. Gently rolling hills and lots of oak trees. It reminded me of places I’ve lived in or frequented when I lived in CA. But it’s in TX – with the lower cost of living and the rights we have in TX that a lot of other states don’t have. It’s ideal. It’s my dream to have a house there. In fact on more than one occasion I suggested we buy a “vacation” home in this quant town. So, I have a place to go to when I need a break from hubby’s “demands”. LOL!!! I said he could come visit and I’d come home every couple of weeks. He didn’t go for it. LOL!!!

Well, at least I have my dream or as I call it, “my fantasy life”. And I will eventually get my dream. Because that it what I want.

By: Jen

Jen — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 01:47:26 +0000

Great article! Can’t say how many times I’ve experienced this same thing in relationships. It’s pretty amazing.

Books and articles seem to always talk about the man being the distant one and the woman being to sacrificing and needy. But really, it depends on exactly what you spoke about, where each person is mentally. If each person in the relationship can make the decision to make it a partnership, instead of one person always having more power, they are truly lucky people.

By: Maureen

Maureen — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:54:58 +0000

Oops one more piece. I’ve never thought of it as power before. I just know that I’ve always felt safe, in my relationship, to say what was on my mind. Knowing, that if what I said upset him or what I chose to do, he wasn’t going to leave me.
My previous marriage, I was terrified to say or do anything.
It’s always been about safety and trust for me.

By: Maureen

Maureen — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:51:02 +0000

When I met my second husband I was very clear about what was most important to me. I also tell him frequently that I am with him because I WANT to be not because I NEED to be. It worked twofold. If I no longer wanted to be with him I was not afraid to walk away. In times when he was feeling inadequate, and I said that, it gave him permission to just ‘be himself’ and not worry that I was going to walk out the door when times got rough.
We had been together for 9 years and he had not wanted to get married. I was okay with that but would not have said, “No” had he asked me. His word was his commitment to me. But I write and he came across a piece I wrote about this very idea. It was about me being upset about something and I would go through the ritual of making plans to leave: checking flights, ads for apartments, looking for work. Then I would feel so much better because I knew I had a choice. I could leave or go but I still WANTED to be with him.
He proposed about a week later.
I smiled when he did it and said, “Getting married won’t change anything you know. I’m here because I WANT to be.”
Later on that day I texted him to say, “Yes”. I was so intent on conveying the fact I loved him (okay and I got a bit emotional) LOL I had forgotten to respond to his marriage proposal.

By: Alexandra

Alexandra — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 12:13:16 +0000

I think you’re onto something with this concept. My first marriage became a real power struggle. How very different my relationship with my second husband and how much more comfortable it feels!

By: Lindsay

Lindsay — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:22:13 +0000

Love the perspective on power. That has been a constant struggle with my husband– he claims I have it all, and I feel/felt like I had none. Growing over that last year from feeling miserable to standing up for myself, the perspective around controlling yourself and being a strong individual resonates. Still trying to regain partnership and support, but at least I am better as an individual now. Thank you for articulating so well the dynamics I have been struggling with.