How to Gain the Upper Hand
First, a giant segue. Does the phrase “gain the upper hand” relate to that hand slapping game that kids play? Or is it about a hand pile, as shown in the nearby photo? I often wonder about things like that.
All right, now let’s talk about how to gain that upper hand. I’ve wanted to write about power for months, but I kept putting it off. The topic is fairly amorphous. I wasn’t sure I could do it justice. Whenever I told myself that it was time to write about power, I ended up writing about something else.
But then I kept hearing various comments from different friends, acquaintances and blog readers that went like this, “I want to do ______, but my spouse won’t let me” and “My spouse expects me to do ______.” I also read a beautifully written post by Alex Lickerman about patience and it got me thinking about power even more.
So I’m going to take a stab at this. And I’d love you all to take a stab at it, too—in the comments area. I’ll go first.
Power tends to shift back and forth in a relationship, especially early on. Usually, in a fledgling relationship, the person who has the most power is the person who is least invested in the relationship. For instance, when I first met my husband, he was more interested in me than I was in him. Therefore, I had 98 percent of the power. He pursued me for an entire year.
One day, while watching TV, he held my hand and, in that moment, I decided to allow myself to fall in love with him. At that exact moment, I lost at least half of my power.
And he seemed to sense this, almost instantly. Once I fell in love with him, he grew more distant. As he grew more distant, I found myself pursuing him—giving him more and more power as I did so. I kept trying to please him. I kept trying to become the perfect wife. The more I tried to please, the more power I lost.
By the time we became parents, I had almost zero power. I’d lost myself in my marriage. I was miserable.
By the time our daughter was 2, I was so miserable that I figured I couldn’t be any more miserable if I ended my marriage. It was at that moment that I gained back a truckload of power.
Again, my husband seemed to sense this, almost instantly. As soon as I took back my power, he started making changes. He became more attentive, responsive, and understanding. And, as he did so, I allowed myself to love him again, but, this time, I did not give up my power. Today, I would say that we share the power almost equally. It’s a really nice place to be, and this is how I think you can get to the same place.
Choose whether or not you want to stay married, and make this choice every single day. Be willing to be alone. Be seriously willing to end your marriage. This isn’t to say you have to end your marriage or that you will end your marriage. It only means that you know you can—because you are a strong, independent, resilient person who overcomes adversity and hardship. Once you know that you could end your marriage at any moment, then your marriage becomes a daily choice. Each morning, you wake and you say, “I choose to be married to this man/woman.” It’s in knowing that you are making a choice that you become powerful.
Feed your marriage. Assuming you continually choose to stay married, then you also make the choice to strengthen your marriage. A stronger marriage starts with you. Speak your voice. Listen. Be patient. Forgive. Treat your spouse with respect. Practice random acts of affection. Stop retaliating. Start loving.
But don’t lose yourself in the process. Remember: everything you do for your marriage is YOUR choice. You don’t have to do anything. No one—not even your spouse—can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. No one—not even your spouse—can stop you from doing the things you really do want to do. Your life is your choice. Live your life, and not the life you think your spouse wants you to live.
You might think that staying true to yourself runs counter to the above tip about feeding your marriage. This isn’t necessarily so. There’s a big difference between doing things to please your partner and doing things to improve your marriage. Pleasing comes from a place of insecurity and weakness. Marital improvement comes from a place of strength and centeredness.
Stop controlling your partner. Start controlling yourself. This puts you back in the driver’s seat because you are within your control. Your spouse is not. Your spouse makes his or her own choices. You make your choices.
Know what you deserve. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve a spouse who loves you. You deserve to chase after your dreams. Once you know what you deserve, you will find the power you need to stand up for these things.
See your spouse and your marriage as a gift. How can you use that gift to learn more about yourself? How can you use this gift to grow into a better, stronger, more centered person?
What’s your advice for sharing power in a relationship? Leave a comment.
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Tags: power
November 20th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
You gave what I believe is the best piece of advice for sharing power: control yourself. In our humanity we often want to extend our ability to control into realms where we actually control nothing. We can only control ourselves. We can influence and impact others, but we cannot control them. The best thing we can do is assess our own behaviors, change as appropriate and necessary, and give our spouses the opportunity to respond to those changes as they choose to do so and see fit.
November 20th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I think your suggestion of choosing to be married every day is excellent. I would add that the best way to have power, and a balance of power, in a relationship is to be selfless. It may seem counter intuitive, but when you stop thinking about yourself and focus on your partner, good stuff happens and respect grows.
Mutual respect provides balanced power.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Love the perspective on power. That has been a constant struggle with my husband– he claims I have it all, and I feel/felt like I had none. Growing over that last year from feeling miserable to standing up for myself, the perspective around controlling yourself and being a strong individual resonates. Still trying to regain partnership and support, but at least I am better as an individual now. Thank you for articulating so well the dynamics I have been struggling with.
November 21st, 2009 at 7:13 am
I think you’re onto something with this concept. My first marriage became a real power struggle. How very different my relationship with my second husband and how much more comfortable it feels!
November 21st, 2009 at 10:51 am
When I met my second husband I was very clear about what was most important to me. I also tell him frequently that I am with him because I WANT to be not because I NEED to be. It worked twofold. If I no longer wanted to be with him I was not afraid to walk away. In times when he was feeling inadequate, and I said that, it gave him permission to just ‘be himself’ and not worry that I was going to walk out the door when times got rough.
We had been together for 9 years and he had not wanted to get married. I was okay with that but would not have said, “No” had he asked me. His word was his commitment to me. But I write and he came across a piece I wrote about this very idea. It was about me being upset about something and I would go through the ritual of making plans to leave: checking flights, ads for apartments, looking for work. Then I would feel so much better because I knew I had a choice. I could leave or go but I still WANTED to be with him.
He proposed about a week later.
I smiled when he did it and said, “Getting married won’t change anything you know. I’m here because I WANT to be.”
Later on that day I texted him to say, “Yes”. I was so intent on conveying the fact I loved him (okay and I got a bit emotional) LOL I had forgotten to respond to his marriage proposal.
November 21st, 2009 at 10:54 am
Oops one more piece. I’ve never thought of it as power before. I just know that I’ve always felt safe, in my relationship, to say what was on my mind. Knowing, that if what I said upset him or what I chose to do, he wasn’t going to leave me.
My previous marriage, I was terrified to say or do anything.
It’s always been about safety and trust for me.
November 21st, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Great article! Can’t say how many times I’ve experienced this same thing in relationships. It’s pretty amazing.
Books and articles seem to always talk about the man being the distant one and the woman being to sacrificing and needy. But really, it depends on exactly what you spoke about, where each person is mentally. If each person in the relationship can make the decision to make it a partnership, instead of one person always having more power, they are truly lucky people.
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:06 pm
I took back my power (not more or less than my hubby’s). I decided/realized that I would not “die” if I was not married anymore. Just that decision/realization has made all the difference in the world to how I view my hubby and our marriage. And that gave me power. Another way of putting it – I don’t feel trapped in my marriage anymore. And from not feeling trapped, I stick up for myself, when I used to just take the “crap” my hubby dished out. Whether it was just his tone of voice that didn’t “feel good” or if he actually did something that made me have hurt feelings.
Do either of us have more power than the other? I don’t think so. But in some regards, I think I have more power – he doesn’t like doing the stuff I do around the house – cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping. If I walk, he’s stuck with all of that until he finds someone else. For me, if I walk, it’s one less responsibility I have in life – taking care of a grown man that can take care of himself (he was a bachelor when we met, it’s not that he left his mommy and then I started to “care” for him). I’m sure he thinks I’d be “devastated” if he walked. But that is the growth I have achieved in the last few months. I wouldn’t be. And for me that is power for myself.
We just returned from a four-night vacation. I fell head over heels in love with the town we visited. Gently rolling hills and lots of oak trees. It reminded me of places I’ve lived in or frequented when I lived in CA. But it’s in TX – with the lower cost of living and the rights we have in TX that a lot of other states don’t have. It’s ideal. It’s my dream to have a house there. In fact on more than one occasion I suggested we buy a “vacation” home in this quant town. So, I have a place to go to when I need a break from hubby’s “demands”. LOL!!! I said he could come visit and I’d come home every couple of weeks. He didn’t go for it. LOL!!!
Well, at least I have my dream or as I call it, “my fantasy life”. And I will eventually get my dream. Because that it what I want.
December 8th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Easily the best thing I have read on this site.
It has given me alot to think about.
April 27th, 2010 at 3:34 am
Hi! I am in my 2nd marriage and I didn’t have the the power struggle in my first as I do now. It’s been going on for 3 years now. I am wanting to try to work us out before throwing in the towel. Your story is not exact, but really close to what I am going through. When I do try and stand my ground he says I’m the bad person. So, I am going to try to just be more patient and forgiving and see if it helps, but at the same time keep standing my ground and not feel wrong or guilty when I know I am right!. Thanks again!
May 4th, 2010 at 11:38 am
random:
I am told the ‘upper hand’ comes from card playing terminology, in that the person with the best hand will win the game.