Seriously, If You are in a Cube? This is Not the Post To Read Right Now
Consider Yourself Warned.
Because This Post Is About: How to Give A Great Blowjob
So I’m feeling insecure. Here I went and bragged that I give fantastic blowjobs. A number of you commented that you wanted a step-by-step lesson. I agreed to provide.
And, now, I have performance anxiety. I’m sitting here and I’m thinking all of these negative thoughts. What if what I do only works on my husband? What if my husband is faking it? What if I still really suck at blowjobs?
I had to smack myself around and give myself the “believe in your beautiful self” talk.
And thankfully, the mailman delivered three new DVDs yesterday, and one of them was Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex – Fellatio. So I watched that, too.
All I can say is this: Phew. I was doing mostly everything right. I could have written this entry without watching the DVD. But I did learn a couple new tricks, so it wasn’t a waste of money.
Before I get into how to do a blowjob right, let’s first go into how to do one wrong.
How to Give Heinous Head
I learned the word “blowjob” right around the same time I learned about the movie Deep Throat. As a result, I assumed that good oral was based on deep oral—the deeper it went, the more the guy thanked you later.
As a result, I would pop my husband’s shaft into my mouth as if he was a hotdog that I was devouring in an eating contest. Then I’d proceed to bob and suck like no porn star’s business.
My husband would feign a slight hint of excitement, so I’d try to go faster and faster and deeper and deeper. That problem with this is that I have a seriously sensitive gag reflex. I’ve been known to projectile gag various pills and supplements from one side of a room to the other.
I’d breathe deeply. I’d try to relax. Buy inevitably I’d find myself hoping and praying that I would not accidentally barf all over my husband’s junk. Meanwhile, the sucking was uncomfortable for him and the gagging sounds were quite the turn off.
After carrying on like this for a while, my jaw would go numb. I would start counting in my head, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5” to take my mind off my pain. Usually by the time I got to 15 or so, my husband would read my thoughts and say something like, “Hey, I’d rather have intercourse.” And that would be the end of it.
I might have been born with a lot of talents, but doing the deep throat thing was not one of them. Live and learn.
How to Give Beautiful Blowjobs
Here’s the most important thing I’ve learned from all of this: you can rock a man’s world in a big way without even remotely going deep throat. The secret lies in knowing a little anatomy.
Generally, the most sensitive parts of a man’s package are:
- The head—the smooth, round part at the top.
- The frenulum—the cute little flap on the underside of the head. It’s similar to the little flappy thing under your tongue, only smaller.
- The perineum—the area between the balls and the butt.
- The balls.
Do you see “very bottom part of the shaft” mentioned anywhere above? Nope. It’s just not all that important to get this part of the penis in your mouth. So why torture yourself? It’s not as if you can win an award for doing it (that I know of).
What follows is how to rock a man’s world without going deep throat. It’s certainly not the only give head. It may not be the best way. And it might not even be a good way if your husband likes different things than mine. It’s just my way. Copy what you want. Ignore what you want.
Part 1: The Tease
I very lightly brush my husband’s shaft with my fingertips while I kiss and lick other parts of his body. Then I lube him up with some coconut oil. I like coconut oil because it’s real food. It has little to no taste—unlike most commercial lubes that taste medicinal. Lube is important because the skin on the shaft of the penis is thin and sensitive to chafing. If you’re going to be using your hands on your man, you need lube. Otherwise, he’s going to get pretty uncomfortable. Alternatively, you can lick him up and down and spit on him a little, using your saliva as lube. Whatever works.
I kiss and lick the shaft. I circle the head with the tip of my tongue. I tickle the frenulum with my tongue. I lick his balls, his perineum—basically everything. Occasionally, I suck his balls. This drives him insane, so I don’t do it for very long or very often. I might do it once or twice during a session. That’s it. I don’t do this licking and ball sucking in any set order, either. It’s whatever I think up in the moment. As I lick him here and there, I’m using my hands in other places. I might cup his balls with one hand while I massage his chest with the other, for instance. Or, if I’m licking his shaft, I might gently press my fingers into his perineum.
I progress from lighter licks (just brushing his skin with the tip of my tongue) to harder and harder ones (using my tongue on him as if he were an ice cream cone).
I don’t tease my husband for all that long. He’s more of a Bobbing kind of guy. Use your own best judgment as to how long this stage should last. Note that the longer you tease, the closer you’ll have him to climax when you move onto the Bob. If you are worried about your stamina, tease more, bob less.
Part 2: The Bob
I put one hand around the bottom of his shaft. Then I slowly bring my lips over his head. At first, I’m all lips and tongue. I roll my tongue around the head. I bring my lips around the edges of the head. Stuff like that. Eventually, when he seems like he’s beside himself from it all, I move into the bobbing thing.
I use my hand as an extension of my mouth. This prevents me from having to go anywhere near the gag area. I try to do this seamlessly, so my hand and mouth are working together to put tension on the top of his penis, gently pulling open the hole where the semen comes out. (I’m sure this “hole where the semen comes out” has an official name, but I didn’t feel like looking it up).
As I bring the shaft into my mouth, I slide the head along the roof of my mouth. This seems to generate more pleasure than just bringing the head to the back of the throat, but I mostly do this to avoid accidentally gagging myself.
I start with slow, even bobs, progressing to faster ones as my husband responds.
When my husband is about to climax, his penis gets harder, arcs back a little bit and starts to throb. I don’t know if all men are that way, but I thought I would mention it. My husband usually likes to warn me that he’s about to bust open, which is nice, but not necessary (for me. You might be different). I swallow, but not all women do. I don’t think it makes much of a difference either way. If you are not going to swallow, finish him off with a hand job or with intercourse. If you do the hand job thing, consider allowing him to ejaculate on you—perhaps on your breasts.
If you think that’s gross, that’s fine. I’m not trying to talk you into doing anything that you find uncomfortable. I’m quite certain that your man will be quite happy with whatever you do at this point. If your technique was good enough to get him to climax, he’s not going to give you a failing grade because you didn’t swallow or let him get you sticky.
That said, I do want to mention that our beliefs about what’s gross and what’s not largely stem from socialization. If you don’t believe me, just think about what babies and toddlers have been known to do with their poop and boogers. We teach our children that bodily fluids are gross. That doesn’t necessarily mean that all of them are. If you allow yourself to think of semen with an open mind, perhaps it won’t seem so gross to you. Just a thought.
Now, every man might be slightly different. What works for my husband might not work for another. So communicate with your husband as you try out new things. And PLEASE, feel free to share your tales of success here, so others can learn from you.
And, I feel the need to say that I’m not sure I’m going to be able to look various people in the eye after writing this post. Got any advice about that? Let me know.
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A professional journalist, Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage, and coauthor of Pitch Perfect, a must-read if you've ever had a sense of dread tie up your insides before a speech, presentation, or conversation. If you enjoyed this post, you will no doubt love her updates on Facebook and Twitter.