A Short Guide to the Good Life
I drove to Virginia this weekend to visit my good friend Deb. At some point between eating roasted oysters and drinking a lot of wine, we got to talking about luck. We both feel lucky in life—lucky to have successful careers, lucky to have good relationships with our husbands, lucky to have awesome, well adjusted children, and lucky to have supportive friends.
In one of those jinx 1-2-3 situations, I looked at her and she looked at me and we both said to the other, “You’re not lucky. You’ve worked hard to get to where you are. You made good decisions. You refused to get stuck. You learned from hardship. You made your own luck.”
Then we both said, “huh” and we mulled that for a bit. Periodically one of us would break the silence and offer up something that seemed like luck and not like hard work. For instance, I said, “I had a college professor who made a phone call and lined up my first internship for me.”
She countered, “But he would not have made that call had you not been a good student.”
“True,” I said.
And it went like that. Neither of us could come up with a single situation that could be explained only by luck. It got me thinking. Are some people luckier than others? Or do lucky people simply make different decisions than unlucky people? Do they see the world through different eyes? Rather than waiting for luck to happen, do they manufacture it? Do lucky people make their own luck?
Yes, of course, there are some things that are beyond human control. You can’t influence whether or not your plane goes down, whether or not you find out that you have a terminal illness, or whether or not you were born into wealth or poverty. But I think there are at least 4 ways that all of us can make our own luck.
Create your own opportunities. If you meet a lot of people and do what you can to amaze those people (by being generous, by over-delivering on expectations, by being magnanimous and compassionate), then you exponentially increase your chances of having someone help you out when you need it most. For instance, someone might put in a good word, allowing you to land a better job.
Find your own love. To me, there is not a more perfect day than the one I had Saturday. I spent much of it sitting on a bale of hay as I ate one roasted oyster after another. I felt lucky to have had this experience. In reality, though, luck had nothing to do with it. I made that experience happen. Deb told me that there was an oyster festival. I said, “Hey, sounds fun.” We went.
Had I not loved oysters, though, the day would have gone very differently. I probably would have sat on that hay bale as I obsessively looked at my watch, waiting for Deb to finish her oysters.
The most miserable people I’ve ever met are the ones who continually agree to do things that they don’t love. They haven’t taken the time to find their own love, so they’ve adopted the loves of others instead. They travel, for instance, because they think they are supposed to love it—and not because they really do. They collect various things to impress their friends, but not because they love the things that they collect. They live lives that are filled with oughts and shoulds and have-tos. They rarely do things just because they want to—because they don’t know what they want.
Take the time to find out what you love—and then you will always love what you do.
Row your own boat. The day after the oyster festival, Deb suggested we go canoeing. The only wrinkle was that the canoe was heavy. It was stored about 200 feet away from the water. There was no beach or ramp, which meant we would have to somehow lower the canoe from a dock and into the water about three feet below.
This is one of those things that my husband would normally do for me—because he’s strong like that. Problem was, he was back in Pennsylvania. Deb’s husband wasn’t around either. If we were going to go canoeing, we were going to have to find a way to get the canoe in and out of the water without a man’s help.
“Do you think we can do it?” Deb asked.
“Um, not sure,” I said, “But let’s try.”
We ended up dragging the canoe to a very skinny walkway on the side of a boathouse. This walk way was somewhat lower and closer to the water than the dock. Then we slowly eased the canoe down as far as we could without actually falling in with it. And then we both let go and hoped for the best. There was a splash. The canoe was in the water—and it hadn’t sunk. Later, to get the canoe out, I pulled one end of the canoe up with a rope. As soon as Deb could reach the other end, she pulled it up, too. We wedged it onto the dock and then drug it back onto land.
I’m sure my husband would have found a much more efficient way to get the canoe into and out of the water, but our way worked and that’s all that matters, isn’t it?
The point is this: had we waited for someone else to put the canoe in the water, we would never have gone canoeing.
And, too often, that’s what happens in life. We wait for people to help make our goals happen for us, rather than just seeing what we can do without any help whatsoever. As the new agey saying goes, we wait for the ship to come in, when we should just swim out to meet the dang thing.
Stop waiting. Start rowing. Be the person who gets you to where you want to go.
See your own beauty. At one point during that canoe trip, the sun was illuminating the water all around us. It seemed as if we were surrounded by glowing silk. I think you could have put any human from any part of the planet in that canoe and that human would have done just as we did: put the paddle down, sit, stare and say, “Wow.”
That said, beauty is all around us—not just in the places that most of us think of as naturally beautiful. While driving home from Virginia, I spent a lot of time on I-95. This highway is not exactly known for its beauty. Still, I noticed beauty all around me—in the flocks of birds who were flying south, in the random leaf that was slowly blowing across the highway, in the way the light reflected off the orange leaves that were still left on the trees.
No matter where you live—in the city or the country, by the water or in a forest, on a highway or in a deserted ghost town—there is beauty. Discover it. Savor it. Experience it.
How do you make your own luck? Leave a comment.
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Tags: luck
November 9th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Not to deflate your tires here…but the fact that you were born white and middle-class in the United States is a remarkable stroke of good luck that billions in the world could not even imagine having. Privilege, luck…whatever. It can’t *all* be boiled down to smart-living tips.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I think this is one of the best things you’ve ever written, Alisa! Your meditation and Zen practices are paying off–because this “full of brightness” piece right here is the best karma you could ever send out into the world; encouraging others to enjoy their life, and look for the beauty–regardless of the circumstances–terrific!
I think it’s wonderful, and it’s something that I try to do each and every day–lately, I don’t always succeed, but I still do try–it’s so important.
As for being born white and middle class–okay, I took a Gender/Class/Sexuality course in college and learned a lot about that. I can’t deny that being born a certain color in a certain class affords one opportunities that others may not have; because it does. But, I also disagree a bit.
I honestly believe that ANYONE can be happy, IF they CHOOSE to be.
CHOOSING to be is often the SINGLE BIGGEST HURDLGE we face in life and SO many people never learn to do that. So many people don’t WANT to do that because it’s so much EASIER to blame the world, the economy, society and each other. It’s so much easier to stay STUCK in a negative place. It really is. I won’t deny that. It’s hard work being positive and looking on the bright side–I don’t think it’s our natural response to things because we are animals and still have a survive/die; fly or flight mechanism in us. But being happy, being proud of what you have accomplished–it is a choice–I am my own maker of my own happiness. Period. That doesn’t mean that certain things, places, people and circumstances can’t add or take away from my happiness; it just means that I have the choice of whether or not I choose to be happy, regardless of what’s happening around me.
To be honest, I’m happier when I have less money than when I have more–because it makes me focus on the real things in life, the true things, the simple things. The more money I have, the more I WANT, and that’s when I tend to focus less on what I truly NEED. I’m not saying I want to be poor, no one does, and losing sleep at night about whether or not you can pay your bills, make your rent or put food on the table, certainly sucks. I’ve been there. It does NOT make you happy. But still; class and happiness aren’t always automatically interlinked. (Sometimes they are, yes).
Besides, the “middle class” is floundering and becoming virtually non-existant.
There is poor, working class and rich….the middle class is slowly vanishing. People who have certain things are having to work their butts off for it and mostly live paycheck to paycheck–and you know what, there’s nothing wrong with that.
There’s nothing wrong with working your butt off to get the basics in life (food, shelter, clothing, transportation) and then ENJOY them when you do.
Whether you have a little or a lot, material wise, it’s important to enjoy it. I think you can enjoy things regardless of the amount of money you have. Sure, having enough money to cover your bills ertainly ADDS to the joy and DECREASES stress and worry; (and stress & worry are a major deterrant to happiness, I know) but being a certain class, or having a certain amount of money, or being a certain color–does not automatically gaurantee one’s overall happiness–that is a personal choice each person makes.
Some of the downright happiest, most joyful wonderful people I’ve ever met have had nothing but hard times, lived in the not so nice neighborhoods their entire lives and worked paycheck to paycheck just to put a roof over their head.
They’re still happy, they’re still grateful for what little they have. On the contrary, some of the richest people I’ve ever known are some of the most unhappy, miserable people ever. I’m not saying that if you’re one, you’re automatically the other, my point is: there are happy and unhappy, positive and negative, joyful and not so joyful– in every single race, class, gender and creed out there.
I’m not denying that those things play a definite role in happiness and opportunity; but I still believe that being a good person, doing the best you can, saying yes and no when it’s necessary– depending on the situation, and trying to look on the bright side of life (while not denying the down side) will get someone further than anything else.
And of course life can’t be boiled down to smart-living tips. The reality is, we’re all different, and we each have unique situations that make up our lives. But having “tips” for whatever; cooking, cleaning, writing, organizing, being happy, being more loving, how to be more spiritual, parenting, children, etc….it can’t hurt. You take a little of this, and a little of that and you take what works for you. Not everything will. No two people are the same, and no relationship is the same. What works for one person will not always work for the other. Tips are just tips, take ‘em or leave ‘em. I think Alisa offering people sound advice is great–it’s our choice though, completely up to us, whether or not we take it.
Alisa, I’m proud of you for acknowledging that you’ve made your own luck–and that you’ve worked hard for all that has happened to you–I think most of us do, and that is something we should all be proud of, be happy about, enjoy and relish in!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
November 9th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
To me, luck is when the cop doesn’t see you speeding, or you miss being in an accident. Or it’s all fate. Either way. Yes, I believe we make our lives happen or not. Was I unlucky to be born into an abusive household? I don’t think so. It did teach me to be tough and self-reliant. And with life having it’s own share of difficulties, I think I deal with them better than some of my associates.
Alisa, I would have been right there with you dragging that canoe and “dropping” it into the water. LOL!!! Of course a guy probably would have had a “better” way. But as you said – you got what you wanted – the canoe in the water and that’s really all that matters. I used to pound nails into walls with the heels on my shoes – I wanted the picture hung now and I either didn’t have a hammer or I didn’t want to go find it. My pictures stayed on the walls. LOL!!!!
I agree with the points you made. Probably because that’s what I’ve been doing of late. Making my own “happiness” or “luck” or whatever you want to call it. I’ve stopped waiting for my hubby to initiate anything. I was hinting that we needed to go on vacation. Well, the hints weren’t getting thru. So, I finally said “I want us to go on vacation and we need to figure out where and what”. We’re going on vacation next week – our first in over two years.
And finding beauty in the simple things is such a joy, at least for me. I missed taking a picture of my tree when it was still fully leafed yet in full fall colors. At least I still have a picture in my head. But it was so beautiful and it made me so happy. (I grew up in Los Angeles, not a lot of fall colors. Now in TX, I get fall colors and it is so, so, so thrilling.)
Another thought invoking blog. Gotta love them.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Lindsay–I think you and Sarah Liz (and me) are in agreement. There are some things that are absolutely beyond our control. I didn’t list them all in the post. I just picked three at random, but there are many more, of course. For instance, in Sarah’s case, she’s had a rare debilitating disease since childhood. Other than taking the best care of her health that she can, she really can’t control that. And of course, some people would see that as bad luck. But Sarah Liz has managed to create an amazing life, despite seemingly impossible odds. I think what she has done, despite what was otherwise working against her, is the “luck” (or whatever word you want to use) that she created for herself. It sounds as if Kathy is telling a similar story. It’s not all about smart living or positive thinking or taking control–but some of it is. It’s about doing something about what you can do something about–and accepting what you can’t. That old serenity prayer.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Sometimes it makes a lot of sense to take a few minutes to smell the coffee and the roses. Some of the simplest things in life are also the things that matter the most.
Gerald Weber´s last blog ..Multi-Author Blogs – Should you use Single Wordpress or WPMU
November 10th, 2009 at 11:31 am
How do I make my own luck? I’ve have come to the simple realization that if something in your life sucks, do everything you can to make it not suck. If you’re doing everything you can to make it not suck then take comfort in the fact that eventually it won’t suck (or at least won’t suck as bad
I also learned to weed out the facts. We can look anything in life and say whatever we want or do whatever we want to make ourselves feel better, but if you’re not dealing with the reality of the situation, nothing gets solved, we continue to have money problems, our marriage continues to go downhill, etc. As much as the situation may suck – dealing with the facts makes it a lot simpler. “If you don’t work with the reality of a situation – reality will work against you” is one of my favorite quotes.
At one point I was also taught a brilliant method to take the fear out of reaching any goal. That was to write down the goal then under that write down potential obstacles you may encounter while working towards that goal. Under each of those obstacles list a solution/plan to work through that obstacle. You essentially continue to list obstacles then soltuions to the obstacles then obstacles of those solutions and so on (confused yet?). For me, it made the most ridiculous goal seem possible b/c the problems or obstacles were identified before I started working towards the goal so I wouldn’t get blindsided or derailed. Even better – I had a plan to work through every potential problem until I ultimately reached that goal. (learned from M. Sturgell of pdncoach.com) This method is perhaps not necessarily about making your own luck but is more about trying to “create your own opportunities.”
Truly a great article. Thanks oodles!!!
November 10th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
just what i needed to hear! so true about doing what other people love. i dont really know what i love doing anymore, i gotta figure that out.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Alisa,I don’t know if you’ll be able to read the post I put up in one of your earlier blogs about abuse but i just wanted to say that i have been up for the past three hours reading some of your material and your so right.You have to literally take the bull by the horns if you want change in your life.As I mentioned in my earlier post i have and still am struggling with self sabotaging behaviors that stop me from receiving blessings in my life.what I have learned about life is that occasionally blessings may fall upon your lap without warrant but ultimately if you want some type of fulfillment or success in life you must take initiative and strive for what it is you desire and want.one of the biggest lessons i have learned in life is that given the right situation anything can happen to anyone at any time in life.I came from a upper class family made up of pedophiles and emotionally unattached people who had dollar signs tattooed to their eyelids.In the matter of second’s i was taken away by the courts and disowned by that family at age ten.I found myself in Children’s village(a poorly managed waiting spot for children who are wards of the court)tightly gripping my Vera Wane purse as the girl who sat beside me glared with a malicious look on her face.Just like that I was thrown from west Bloomfield to the east side of Detroit with nothing but my clothes and some disregarded tears.life will throw you anything at anytime and what I have slowly been learning is that you don’t have to be hungry if all you have is rice and bread in the kitchen.Alisa I want to let you know that your post have encouraged me to seek therapy for the abuse and trauma Ive endured.I think people need to be grateful for your advice and not unnecessarily overly analytical.so many people dont care about helping others and could care less about the trials of people they dont even know.Class has absolutely nothing to do with anything,given it plays a small part initially but ultimately crap happens to all shapes sizes and statures its all about how you season the rice that makes the difference.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Jodie–I love all of the tips and advice. Thanks so much for leaving that comment. It’s really going to help others.
Lee–I read both of your comments. Hang in there. Realizing that you have “stuff” to work on is the first, most important step. Now you are on the journey. Sometimes, you’ll take a step back every now and then. As long as you expect and embrace those set backs, they won’t stop you from continually moving forward. You have a very powerful story, by the way. I would encourage you to keep a journal as you work on your stuff. It’s possible that some day it could turn into a book that would inspire others.
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..A Short Guide to the Good Life
November 12th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
With my “luck”, it’s surprising that I haven’t been struck by lightning yet. All of those things that people say “will never happen to me”, happen to me. When I was 17, I was shot through both legs. When I was 24, I was robbed at gunpoint, and then the dude stole my purse and car, and robbed a bank. Last Monday, after a particularly rough morning at work, I was a witness to a horrible car accident that killed a man. I actually saw him get ejected from the vehicle.
If you believe in luck or religion or fate or destiny, it would not make any sense that these things happen to me at the worst of times. HOWEVER, if you believe that everything is a coincidence, it makes me feel less singled out. I mean…there are accidental shootings, and car jackings, and bank robberies, and fatal car accidents everyday, right? These things happen everyday to all sorts of people!
Here’s how I’ll pull my good “luck” out of it.
1. Accidental shooting – This incident helped shape my entire outlook on life. “Choose your associations wisely.” Some people say I judge people, but I say that I’m just extra careful about who I spend my time with.
2. Carjacking – Although I have some serious anxiety issues now, I feel that I’m extra careful when going places. Not only on account of myself, but also on account of my friends and family around me. ALSO, the carjacker was sentenced to 40 years in prison. He won’t be getting out until he’s 74 years old. So is that good luck for me, or bad luck for him???
3. Fatal Accident – This incident makes absolutely no sense to me. If there is a god, why would he let this poor man crash into a huge overpass pillar? Not only that, but they think he fell asleep at the wheel, or had a heart attack or something, so it’s like he had double bad luck. The “lucky” part for me is that if he wouldn’t have hit the pillar, he would’ve ran right into my car. With us both driving at 70 mph, that wouldn’t have been pretty. So again…good luck for me, or bad luck for him? or both?
By thinking that all of these incidents happened by coincidence makes me feel so much more comfortable being me. To think that a higher power has full control of things make me feel helpless. To think that I have complete control over things in my life, makes me feel overwhelmed. But to think that the world is just a big ball of intertwining coincidences…that makes me feel…alive.
Luck is just a term we use to describe our feelings. I don’t think it’s an imaginary force that sweeps over and around us at random. I also agrees that there’s no substitution for hard work.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Vince Lombardi said “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
November 13th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I like that quote!