Comments on: What to do when your spouse sucks in bed

By: Pete

Pete — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 08:01:37 +0000

I think George’s advice is sound…if you are not satisfied, first you need to know what is unsatisfying…then you SHOW then TELL him what you want him to do.

Conversely, Ms. Bowman’s advice is horrible. I think if my wife said ‘we need to have a little chat,’ then proceeded to tell me every orgasm was faked, I would probably shoot myself. Not kidding. Those moments are a huge part of the bond between a man and a woman. To me it would be no different than a wife saying ‘hey hon, you know how I’ve been telling you ‘I love you’ everyday for the last ten years? I was lying.’
That moment is a huge part of why men love women.

I, unfortunately, am having the opposite problem here in the last year…my wife sucks in bed. She’s attractive, and somewhat enthusiastic, but I have a hard time reaching orgasm because she only lasts a few minutes before orgasm…then she flops over like a fish. That alone I’d be able to deal with, but it comes down to this: It’s all about her…what she gets out of the deal…Her Massage, Her rockin’ orgasm. I get no foreplay beyond a minute or two…which I am afraid to prolong, as she will often loose interest. Then minute or two of decent sex, then BAM she climaxes and looses all interest. Sex also not very frequent…but now I am losing interest because my needs are not even considered. Not sure what to do.

By: biggins

biggins — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 18:27:30 +0000

It is, unfortunately, very true that married couples, especially with young children, have almost zero sex life (if it wasn’t for masturbation it would be less than zero). I am the male half of one of these horrible relationships and I’ve talked to her about it many, many times and you know what happens no matter what tactic I use? Zip. Zero. Zilch. Yet if I were to have an affair, she would be terribly hurt, which makes no sense to me at all. Its my body, she entered a contract to take care of each other, I keep up my end of the bargain but she never does. So I’ve slept around with a few women, and I don’t feel bad about it at all, not one bit. I told her that this (me sleeping around) was going to happen if things didn’t change, so it should come as no surprise. I haven’t told her bc I don’t want to crush her, I can live with the secret just fine. Problem is, when I eventually find a good female sexual partner I’ll probably dump my wife for her. I have so much frustration and resentment built up over this issue with her that I seriously doubt it can ever be fixed. My wife is great in every other way, a fantastic friend, but as I’ve told her on numerous occasions, if we are not having sex on a regular basis I don’t consider myself married.

By: Trip

Trip — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 05:45:06 +0000

I love my wife ,but I’m very unsatisfied sexually . She is older than me , I’m worried that the difference in years between us is becoming an obstacle . I was 23 and she 30 when we met. She is now 47 . I feel like giving up. Help

By: Linda

Linda — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:06:52 +0000

I just went to Alexa’s blog to see what all the fuss was about. I nearly puked. There is no one of whom I want to see that much!!! I guess I just don’t have the stomach for that kind of thing. I do not watch porn nor do I look at those books, instructional or otherwise. Adult oriented “toys” sicken me.
I have to have loving feelings and trust in the person I have sex with. If my husband and I are fighting, he can forget about that until we calm down and reach some kind of understanding. Sex is something very personal to me and I refuse to get weird like those pictures depict.
Everyone is different. I don’t feel guilty for my feelings. I’m not trying to guilt anyone if they like this sort of stuff. Stay behind closed doors and do it consentually and I won’t have a problem. I don’t want to know what you are doing behind closed doors either. Its your business…don’t make it mine.
I take complete responsibility for looking up Alexa’s website. Yuk!

By: JANET

JANET — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:33:11 +0000

hey alisa i just wanted to let you know that i went on alexa’s blog and i love it!
thanks alot it has some good advice and it makes you want to have sex.
i will be a regular on that blog also.

By: Alisa Bowman

Alisa Bowman — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:12:54 +0000

Wow–I feel like I’ve been living in a parallel universe all of these years and I’ve just discovered that another universe exists. Thank you Tony, George and and few others who commented on FB or to me personally. More about honesty (whether or not to come clean) tomorrow. I will admit: I might be wrong here. I’d love to do a poll.

For now, just want to address why I included the videos (versus books). I’ve met so many men who just won’t read a book about sex–my husband included. It wasn’t all that fun for me to read the books myself, and then verbally translate them for my husband. The videos became a middle ground, one that we now use to 1) learn more about sexual techniques together 2) help get ideas so we can stay out of the Doing The Same Thing In The Same Order Every Single Time rut. Although the ones I listed are certainly explicit, they are tasteful.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What to do when your spouse sucks in bed =-.

By: Linda

Linda — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 13:41:44 +0000

I agree with George, wholeheartedly. Don’t tell him he is a screw-up!
Loretta La Roche, who is a motivational speaker on lessening stress in our lives, says that we know way too much about sex nowadays and expect too much from each other due to those articles in women’s magazines. She says that back when, sex was called “fooling around” and it should have stayed that way. We need to always be discovering new ways to please each other and having a good time doing it. With all the technical manuals out there, we’re practically sitting in bed reading the step by step process! No wonder it seems so mechanical! We take ourselves way too seriously.
Who cares about the “G spot”? A good clitoral orgasm can ripple up your insides and really satisfy. Women can also ejaculate. Its a bit disturbing the first time it happens because you think you’re doing something else, but that’s the cherry on the sundae for me. Its such a release. I didn’t know about it and LEARN how to DO it. It just happened because of how into things I was able to get with a very special someone who has been my husband for 26 1/2 years now!
If you can stomach watching sex videos, good for you. Many catalogues have them. Most book stores have a section with the manuals that include actual photographs of couples performing the various positions.
The real key is being loving to each other throughout the week and communicating what you want. Guide each other’s hands around your bodies and find out what feels good. Put on music from when you met. Burn candles. Once, my husband tossed a fuzzy blanket into the dryer to warm it and spread it on the couch where we made love. That was really special. Its all in the details! Remember the 70′s: Make love not war!

By: Alexandra

Alexandra — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:54:22 +0000

I also thought this was good advice and agree with Sarah Liz on what a shame it is that so many married couples seem to give up on sex.

One of my husbands’ sons recently told him that, after ten years of marriage, his wife has lost interest in sex. It is hard for some of us to imagine that happening, but it does apparently. I wish I knew her well enough to forward your blog post! When good sex isn’t happening in a marriage, the relationship becomes vulnerable.

It’s great that you write so openly about sex. I think it helps lots of people.

By: George

George — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:42:43 +0000

I think it is a really bad idea to tell your husband you have been lying to him all this time. If you had been up front about this from the start, he probably would have been an eager student. Now if you tell him it is likely to hurt his ego, and do more damage than good. I would suggest trying to shake things up a little for a change. Break him out of his routine. Watch the videos that Alisa suggested “just for fun”. Introduce a vibrator or other toys. Ease him into a new sexual mode with you guiding him by his tallywacker. He will likely follow with eagerness. You should try to identify what is wrong or most wrong with his routine and start there. If he lacks foreplay, then get him to work on that by encouraging him to do what you like. Or staying power, read up on ways that improve that and guide him in subtle ways, slowly ramping up your suggestions.

By: Sarah Liz

Sarah Liz — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 08:07:37 +0000

Sex is so important to a relationship and vital to a marriage; I find it incredibly sad that so many married couples aren’t having sex; there’s a plethora of reasons, I know.

Life gets in the way, stress, different schedules, parenting, work, errands, lack of interest (on both parts), etc….. but a sexless marriage, or rather–a highly unsatisfying sex life–married or not–is a horrible thing.

While I still believe that most of “sex” is in our head; there are always ways to improve it.

Great sex is an attitude, a thought process–and a two-way street. If one partner is happy, but the other one isn’t, the sex is going to old very fast.

I think it’s important for partners to take turns pleasing one another–be open and willing to try new things and enter the bedroom in the general spirit of generosity–you take of me, and I take care of you–that way, everyone is pleased! This is great advice, Alisa–thanks for sharing!