What to do when your spouse sucks in bed
Q: I have always faked orgasms with my husband. I’m quite the pro—he has no idea he’s not pleasing me. Should I tell him? And, if so, how and when? I don’t want to tell him at a time when the information would be hurtful, such as in the middle of a fight about why we haven’t had sex in the last month. But I can’t really bring it up over dinner either, “Wow, this is a great Bratwurst! I’ve never had an orgasm with you.” Help! – Lying Between the Sheets
Dear LBS:
So I’m sure you’ve read that this is all in your head, right? There are plenty of books and experts out there who like to blame being unorgasmic on the woman, saying things like, “Just relax more” and “be more open minded” and “be at one with your body.” While there may be some truth to such advice—especially if you’ve been sexually abused—I don’t think this is the case with you and with most women.
What I think is going on here is plain and simple: your spouse sucks in bed.
But this isn’t a terminal problem, and it’s not even a criticism of your spouse. It’s my firm belief that MOST OF US suck in bed.
Only rare people are experts at sex—and these people usually get paid good money for that expertise.
The rest of us are generally happy that we somehow figured out how to make a baby. Oh THAT goes THERE? NOW IT GET IT.
Indeed, the art of pleasuring men and women is not something that is usually passed down from one generation to the next (although the Art of Not Getting Knocked Up or VD usually is). It’s not taught in school. And most grown ups don’t share sex tips like they do recipes and parenting advice.
As a result, nearly all of us could stand to learn a thing or two or three about better pleasing our partners.
Good lovers are not born. They are made—by experimenting, by being curious, and by studying the topic.
This is what I would do if I were you.
- I would tell my husband that I have something I’d like to share. I would ask him if this is a good time.
- I would say, “I’m feeling very nervous. I’m scared to tell you this because I’m worried that I might hurt your feelings. I also worry that you’ll get mad at me. It’s very important for me to know that you will not automatically react to what I have to tell you. Can you promise me that you will listen to what I have to say, think about it, sit with it for a while, and then tell me what you think?” [Let’s hope he says, “Yes,” here.]
- “Okay, so, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it. I’ve been lying to you for years about how satisfied I am in bed. I know you’d like to have sex more often, and I’d like to want to have sex more often, too. I so want to please you and make you happy sexually. But the problem is that I am not enjoying sex. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve never orgasmed. I’ve been faking it all of these years. I feel terrible about this. I also feel inadequate. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I really want to enjoy sex and I want to please you in bed. I want us both to enjoy sex together. So I’ve been reading up on this—searching for a way to solve this problem….”
- Allow him to digest that. Once he has, explain that you’d like to be more experimental in bed—that you’d like to try a number of different techniques and positions, in hopes that something will work. Say that you’d like to learn everything you can about sexual techniques, and that you’d like him to learn it with you.
Then, how you learn about sex is your business, but here are some suggestions that I think might work.
Watch educational DVDs, and watch them together. Start with oral and hand jobs, because those are the fastest ways for him to learn how to please you. Save those “finding the G spot” and “607 sexual positions that only acrobats can do” for later on. Make sure to get some DVDs about how you can better please him, too. Here are some educational DVDs to consider:
- Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex
- Sexplorations DVD Collection
- The Art of Orgasm
- Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Handjobs
Subscribe to and read Alexa DiCarlo’s blog The Real Princess Diaries. Alexa is an escort, and she writes about her experiences in this blog. Reading it is not just a vicarious thrill. You can learn a lot from her about how to please a man or a woman (she swings both ways). I find it particularly fascinating to learn about all of the things married men ask her to do with them in bed—things that they are apparently too embarrassed to ask their wives to do. It’s quite an eye-opener and a good reality check for husbands and wives alike.
See a sex therapist. My husband and I met with one over the summer and it really took things up a notch.
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Tags: good in bed, orgasms, Sex advice
October 31st, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Or, you can tell a little white evasion and substitute #3 with “In the past year, I haven’t been able to reach orgasm…”, suggesting that he needs to do better because you are becoming accustomed to the current activities.
Tony Lawrence´s last blog ..My first Waves
October 31st, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I wouldn’t know if he does or not 14years is a long time
October 31st, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Here’s my advice: Women do your kegel exercises (yes, you can Google it). Back in my early twenties when I read Cosmo, they had an article about kegel exercises. Well, I started doing them, often and a lot. I started having vaginal orgasms. Later when I went to Lamaze class, my teacher was adamant about doing kegels after birth. Well, I kept on doing my kegel exercises. Now I’m in my late 40s I’m still having vaginal orgasms and even having given birth vaginally once, I’m still as tight as I was when I started having sex. (TMI – sorry, but this is very important for women to experience sexual gratification.)
In the four years that my hubby and I have been married, I think I’ve only not had an orgasm twice and this was when my hormones were very out of whack.
Also, it really helps a woman to achieve an orgasm before her hubby/partner – either thru oral sex or a hand job (the guy rubbing the clitoris). That way when he does enter you, you are already primed and ready to go.
If your man isn’t interested in satisfying you first, then he really doesn’t care about your satisfaction. Just my opinion.
As my hubby says (he got it from some movie) “Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until you both had your cookie (orgasm)”.
I’m very adamant about a women being sexually satisfied. We deal with menstrual cramps and birth and breast feeding (if we’re able), so we better get some pleasure for the pain we go thru.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:07 am
Sex is so important to a relationship and vital to a marriage; I find it incredibly sad that so many married couples aren’t having sex; there’s a plethora of reasons, I know.
Life gets in the way, stress, different schedules, parenting, work, errands, lack of interest (on both parts), etc….. but a sexless marriage, or rather–a highly unsatisfying sex life–married or not–is a horrible thing.
While I still believe that most of “sex” is in our head; there are always ways to improve it.
Great sex is an attitude, a thought process–and a two-way street. If one partner is happy, but the other one isn’t, the sex is going to old very fast.
I think it’s important for partners to take turns pleasing one another–be open and willing to try new things and enter the bedroom in the general spirit of generosity–you take of me, and I take care of you–that way, everyone is pleased! This is great advice, Alisa–thanks for sharing!
November 1st, 2009 at 7:42 am
I think it is a really bad idea to tell your husband you have been lying to him all this time. If you had been up front about this from the start, he probably would have been an eager student. Now if you tell him it is likely to hurt his ego, and do more damage than good. I would suggest trying to shake things up a little for a change. Break him out of his routine. Watch the videos that Alisa suggested “just for fun”. Introduce a vibrator or other toys. Ease him into a new sexual mode with you guiding him by his tallywacker. He will likely follow with eagerness. You should try to identify what is wrong or most wrong with his routine and start there. If he lacks foreplay, then get him to work on that by encouraging him to do what you like. Or staying power, read up on ways that improve that and guide him in subtle ways, slowly ramping up your suggestions.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:54 am
I also thought this was good advice and agree with Sarah Liz on what a shame it is that so many married couples seem to give up on sex.
One of my husbands’ sons recently told him that, after ten years of marriage, his wife has lost interest in sex. It is hard for some of us to imagine that happening, but it does apparently. I wish I knew her well enough to forward your blog post! When good sex isn’t happening in a marriage, the relationship becomes vulnerable.
It’s great that you write so openly about sex. I think it helps lots of people.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:41 am
I agree with George, wholeheartedly. Don’t tell him he is a screw-up!
Loretta La Roche, who is a motivational speaker on lessening stress in our lives, says that we know way too much about sex nowadays and expect too much from each other due to those articles in women’s magazines. She says that back when, sex was called “fooling around” and it should have stayed that way. We need to always be discovering new ways to please each other and having a good time doing it. With all the technical manuals out there, we’re practically sitting in bed reading the step by step process! No wonder it seems so mechanical! We take ourselves way too seriously.
Who cares about the “G spot”? A good clitoral orgasm can ripple up your insides and really satisfy. Women can also ejaculate. Its a bit disturbing the first time it happens because you think you’re doing something else, but that’s the cherry on the sundae for me. Its such a release. I didn’t know about it and LEARN how to DO it. It just happened because of how into things I was able to get with a very special someone who has been my husband for 26 1/2 years now!
If you can stomach watching sex videos, good for you. Many catalogues have them. Most book stores have a section with the manuals that include actual photographs of couples performing the various positions.
The real key is being loving to each other throughout the week and communicating what you want. Guide each other’s hands around your bodies and find out what feels good. Put on music from when you met. Burn candles. Once, my husband tossed a fuzzy blanket into the dryer to warm it and spread it on the couch where we made love. That was really special. Its all in the details! Remember the 70′s: Make love not war!
November 1st, 2009 at 9:12 am
Wow–I feel like I’ve been living in a parallel universe all of these years and I’ve just discovered that another universe exists. Thank you Tony, George and and few others who commented on FB or to me personally. More about honesty (whether or not to come clean) tomorrow. I will admit: I might be wrong here. I’d love to do a poll.
For now, just want to address why I included the videos (versus books). I’ve met so many men who just won’t read a book about sex–my husband included. It wasn’t all that fun for me to read the books myself, and then verbally translate them for my husband. The videos became a middle ground, one that we now use to 1) learn more about sexual techniques together 2) help get ideas so we can stay out of the Doing The Same Thing In The Same Order Every Single Time rut. Although the ones I listed are certainly explicit, they are tasteful.
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What to do when your spouse sucks in bed
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
hey alisa i just wanted to let you know that i went on alexa’s blog and i love it!
thanks alot it has some good advice and it makes you want to have sex.
i will be a regular on that blog also.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I just went to Alexa’s blog to see what all the fuss was about. I nearly puked. There is no one of whom I want to see that much!!! I guess I just don’t have the stomach for that kind of thing. I do not watch porn nor do I look at those books, instructional or otherwise. Adult oriented “toys” sicken me.
I have to have loving feelings and trust in the person I have sex with. If my husband and I are fighting, he can forget about that until we calm down and reach some kind of understanding. Sex is something very personal to me and I refuse to get weird like those pictures depict.
Everyone is different. I don’t feel guilty for my feelings. I’m not trying to guilt anyone if they like this sort of stuff. Stay behind closed doors and do it consentually and I won’t have a problem. I don’t want to know what you are doing behind closed doors either. Its your business…don’t make it mine.
I take complete responsibility for looking up Alexa’s website. Yuk!