How to Find Yourself, Part 2-B
First, thanks to all of you who responded in such a supportive way to my “I’m sick and I can’t think straight” post. You lifted me up and confirmed what I already knew: I need more sleep. The past two days? I’ve gone to bed at 8 p.m., like a 5 year old. I’ve also been taking a hefty cocktail of over-the-counter remedies, most of which were probably overkill. I’m now feeling much better, though.
And my dog? He seems to be cured, too. I guess he had a stomachache, no doubt caused by eating something gross out of some garbage can. That or rabbit poop. I’ll never know for sure. Whatever it was, it has now run through his system and he’s interested in eating his food again.
Sometimes time really does solve all problems. Or, most of them anyway. My house still needs a good vacuuming and we still have no food. My husband ended up using tortillas to make pizza last night, when he discovered at 6 p.m. that the Boboli he’d planned to use had expired about a month ago. But it wasn’t the end of the world. Tortilla pizza actually tasted pretty good.
Anyway, now, I bring you the post I promised to write two days ago: how your friends can serve as a mirror for self-discovery.
It’s my firm belief that we all have three kinds of people in our lives.
- People who try to mold us into the person they want us to be and have only a limited ability to see us clearly as who we really are.
- People who see us clearly, accept us for who we are (even the ugly parts) and who have the ability to serve as mirror for accurate self-reflection—but who are too timid to tell it like it is.
- People who have all of the abilities of the second category, but who are brave enough to actually tell us what they see. These are the friends who—when asked–point out the spinach between our teeth, the unruly hair that could really use a new style, and the personality ticks that might be the real cause of all of our problems.
The vast majority of people fall into categories 1 and 2. It’s only the rare person who falls into category 3. When you meet such a person? Cultivate and honor that friendship, because you’ve stumbled across something that is rare and precious.
The problem is that most of us, myself included, have an internal protective mechanism that causes us to doubt the honesty of such people. We ask them, “Do I look fat in these pants?” They say, “Well as a matter of fact, those pants really are not all that flattering on you.” Then we think, “What does SHE know?!” We might even say something like, “What kind of a friend ARE you?” Then that person quickly moves into category number 2.
Yet, had we made the most of the situation, we might have said, “They’re not? What types of pants ARE flattering on me?” And we might have learned something important.
I’ve so been there. I have just a few friends who fall into category number 3, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to ignore the random gifts of insight that they’ve given to me over the years. I’ve fought against the advice. At times, I even went as far as to get mad at these people.
Lately, however, I’ve come to the conclusion that a few of my friends are ALWAYS right. They see me more clearly than I see myself, and they seem to know what’s good for me in a way that I just don’t. They are like that mythical wise man up on the big hill. I ask them who I am, and they show me. I just don’t always like what I see. But that’s my shortcoming, not theirs.
So I’ve been encouraging myself to trust any and all advice and input from such friends.
Just last week, for instance, I was telling a friend that I’m a social dork. She said, “You’re not socially inept. You just have trouble with your openings and closings.”
It stopped me cold because it was so true. I’m terrible at Hellos and handshakes and fist bumps and hugs and those European cheek kisses. I never know which one of those is appropriate for which situation. At parties, I’m the person who stands around like a big dork, because I don’t know how to walk up to someone and just start talking. So I stand there and look around, thinking, “I look like a big dork.” Then someone usually walks over to me and initiates the conversation—as normal people know how to do. Once I start talking? I’m fine.
Until I’m not. Let’s say I have to go to the bathroom so badly that my bladder is going to explode, spraying urine all over the room. Do I end the conversation? No, I don’t, because I’m not sure what you are supposed to tell someone in such a situation. Is it polite to say, “I’d love to talk with you more, but I’m about to pee my pants. Where’s the bathroom?” Or do I just say, “Nice talking with you” and walk away?
And at what point in the conversation, do I say it? I have trouble finding the natural breaks and pauses in speech, so, quite often, someone will be pouring out her soul to me, and all I’ll be thinking is, “I don’t think this is the right moment to tell her I really need to take a piss. I’ll wait a little longer.”
It’s like that. But this issue with the openings and closings has caused me to think of myself as shy, when, in fact, I just need to practice saying hello and good-bye. It’s a problem that I can solve with a little practice, now that I understand what the true problem really is.
And I’m indebted to the friend who had the courage to point that out.
Do you have trouble listening to the feedback from certain friends? How can you tell a friend who is trying to mold you into someone you aren’t from a friend who can see you clearly? How do you deal with the advice you get from your friends?
Next: How to become the person you want to be
Confused? Start with How to Find Yourself, Part 1.
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Tags: finding yourself
October 6th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Listening to the Truth Tellers in our lives is hard. EXCRUCIATINGLY hard. But you do learn more than staring at your belly button.
October 6th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I consider myself one of the most blessed women on the planet because I have not one, but TWO, absolutely fabulous friends who both fall into category #3. They are strong, courageous, optimistic and always brutally honest; however, I know in my heart, that they always come from a place of love.
My husband made a comment the other day that the three of us have “some kind of girl love-fest going on, not sexual, but you’re close, it’s obvious,” and that made me SO happy. It honestly brought joy to my heart. I mean, he’s a guy and he noticed it.
My two best friends and I can tell each other ANYTHING and we often do, this is such a privillage and such a gift. I too am brutally honest with them, and they know it–when they call me, it’s usually to ask me what I think about this or that in their lives and I say “do you want what I’m supposed to say or how I really feel?” and time and time again, they say “tell me how you really feel,” and I do. We always tell each other what we think and how we feel in a sandwich way “positive–negative–positive,” and we always do so in an encouraging, loving way. It’s pretty awesome, actually! One of those best friends of mine and I, have had one single fight in 9 years of friendship.
I was thinking the other day about how I want to be remembered when I die–kind of morbid, but it does occur to me occasionally. And I thought “I don’t want people at my funeral to say, “she was the nicest person ever,” that would be nice, indeed. But I’d rather people say this at my funeral “she always told it like it was, she was always really respectful about it, but she had no bones about speaking her mind” that is what I’d rather people say. I’m one of those truth-tellers, but I try and do it with tact and respect, because it’s so important.
I’m not always great at taking criticism, but I have a bigger problem with being stood up, or ignored. At times, my friends (all of them) have criticized financial decisions or wedding decisions and I appreciated their input. Sometimes, I followed their advice, some times I didn’t. At the end of the day, only YOU can truly know what is right for you. However, you’re absolutely right Alisa, some people know us (at least parts of us) better than we know ourselves.
Nobody likes being criticized, but sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. If you’re good friends with someone, it should be obvious that they’re not doing it to be spiteful or mean, it’s because they love you and they care!
I believe that it’s important to learn from everything and everyone. I think we should encourage and uplift one another more often than we criticize each other–but, I think in a true friendship–involving two pretty secure people, there’s room for everything! More over, I think it’s most important to HONOR our friendships, and our friends–as well as honor our differences and the individual choices we make for ourselves. The best part about true friendship is when we can continually honor one another and embrace each other; the good, the bad and the ugly. (A lot like marriage, but then again, oh so different.)
There is nothing in this world like a true best friend, and like I said, I am beyond blessed to have more than one of them!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
October 6th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I don’t have any answers to the questions you posed but wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed this post! I consider myself to be a “social dork” as well … when you get the whole openings and closings thing figured out, please share because I need all the help I can get.
October 7th, 2009 at 8:36 am
OH Thank You Alisa for sharing this post. I really thought that I was the only woman on earth like that. I dont know how to start a conversation or end one with new people. I get so nervous weather its a man or a woman. I feel very akward even just saying Hi because I think Im so lame and I cant even start a real converstation. I know how to talk to my friends and family but not to people I dont know. I try to act nice or be polite but I think people think that I am snobby and dont want to talk to them. But its not that I dont want to talk to them its just that I dont know what the heck to say to them.I do this all the time even with like my husbands family members especially because they are all mostly guys I dont know what the heck to talk to them about. I prefer just to talk to my husband then to talk to them. I have always been like that ever since I could remember. In the other hand my husband is the exact opposite he could talk to anybody weather he knows them or not. He knows how to start a converstation and how to end one. Sometimes I am so jelous.I really wish somebody thought me how to be a good converstation person. So if you do get a hang of that please let us know because I think alot of woman are like that but just never talk about it.
October 7th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself a social dork as much as a social….um…well…nothing. I have no friendships save my mother, sister, and husband, that extend any further than stupid facebook status updates. Anyone (aside from said mother, sister, husband) I consider a friend knows absolutely nothing about me and I try to keep it that way. I’m beginning to think that maybe this isn’t the smartest of tactics. It’s sort of like how Michael Jackson only surrounded himself with “yes men,” except my situation is worse. I surround myself with no one, so I am my own “yes man.” I really don’t feel as though I belong anywhere. My husband has been in the Army for 16 years (and we have been married that long) and I want nothing to do with (and have never had anything to do with) spouse support groups. I homeschool my children but am VERY non-religious, so that pretty much excludes any homeschool support groups. I don’t think I’d ever be able to open up enough to someone to count them as a friend anyway. I don’t have time for superficial conversation with half-acquaintances. Loneliness sucks.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:42 am
I think very often people try to be 3′s and end up 1′s. It really is a rare friend who can be a 3 and even rarer that we accept them as 3s and don’t allow our minds to makes them 1s. I’ll be honest here, I often think that I am being a 3 with my husband and end up coming off as a 1. There is such a fine line. I’m with you on the social situations too. I have only a handful of very close friends and would love to expand that but seem to be unable to initiate conversation with new people. If someone else makes the introduction or it’s a round table group then I’m fine. I never thought about like you presented it. Even with the “anonymity” of the internet I often shy away from commenting on new blogs I find because i’m concerned about how to jump into the conversation. I’ll be practicing!