How to Find Yourself, Part 1
Part of saving your marriage involves finding and saving yourself. Whenever I write this, though, someone emails or comments here, saying something to the effect of, “Yeah, well, that’s easier said than done.”
That’s true, which is why I decided to write this series.
The first step to finding yourself, however, is a deceiving one. It involves doing the polar opposite of what you think you ought to be doing. It’s this: stop being so introspective!
Sure, some people might find themselves by locking themselves in their bedrooms so they can smoke a lot of pot and play random notes on a hand-me-down guitar. Maybe others do it by checking themselves into a monastery so they can spend their days in silence. And still others might do it by heading into a secluded location with just a backpack and a pair of hiking boots.
Yet, plenty of people emerge from such experiences just as lost—if not more so—than when they started.
I personally believe that spending a lot of time on introspection is a lot like sitting in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. The ocean is so vast that you cannot see any shore line. You don’t have a map and you don’t know which way to go. So you just sit still and you think about it, and you think about it, and you think about it some more.
You know what? If you keep thinking about it? You’re never going to find the shoreline. You’re just going to drift here and there and never make any progress.
Wouldn’t it be better to just start rowing, even if you didn’t know where you might end up? Even if you rowed in the wrong direction, at least you’d be getting somewhere. And, as you rowed, things would happen. Fish would swim around your boat. Birds would poop on your head. Your muscles would get sore. You’d experience things—things that will give you better sense of who you are and of what you are made.
That’s pretty much how I’ve gone about finding myself over the years. When my daughter was 2, my marriage was in the toilet, and I was so spent from giving that I’d completely lost myself? I didn’t think about it. If I’d stopped to think about who I was? I would have fallen asleep. I can tell you that.
Instead of doing that, I signed up for a mindfulness meditation class. And sure, meditation takes you inward, but it’s not the same kind of inward as introspection. Meditation takes you to a place where you can observe your thoughts, feelings and sensations. It takes you to an unwavering core—a part of yourself that never changes. You don’t sit and keep asking yourself “who am I? who am I? who am I?” No, you sit, close your eyes, and be.
I can tell you that about meditation now, years later. At the time? I had no idea if that class was going to help me. At the time? It was just one way that I could row. That was all.
And the meditation class did not get me to the shore. It just got me a little bit closer. After I took it, I started reading marital improvement books, which got me closer still. Then I started blogging, which got me even closer. I went to conferences. I read more books. I started going to the Buddhism class.
Basically whenever I felt like I was drifting about without an anchor? I did something. I didn’t know if the something that I tried was going to help or not, but I tried it anyway. It was in the trying—the act of rowing—that I learned more about who I was and who I wanted to become.
So start rowing that boat. There’s no one right path. The only wrong path, in my opinion, is the one that requires dropping the oars and sitting still.
And, it must be said: we never reach the shore. The art of finding yourself? It’s the journey that’s called life. Live it.
Do you feel lost? Have you struggled with finding yourself? Or, have you made a lot of progress and have advice to share? Either way, leave a comment, so we can all learn from one another.
Next: How your friends can serve as a mirror into your soul
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Tags: finding yourself, happiness
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:07 am
Bingo. Being introspective is overrated. I totally agree. I am going to start rowing my boat today…thanks.
“Don’t look back, you’ve already been there…”
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:44 am
I put myself in counseling. Healing the past hurts from childhood and some from adulthood. It’s been a trying and yet wonderful experience. And it helps that I have a really good counselor. It also helped finding out my personality type thru Myers-Briggs based on Jung’s teachings/ideas.
I’m not done “finding myself”. I do believe it is a life-long journey. But having the baggage out of the way sure makes the journey more fun.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:00 am
This sounds like good advice, if you are not married to someone from abroad and unable to find yourself and realize your potential in that foreign country.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:50 am
Wonderful topic. I’m really excited to hear what you have to say, and today’s advice is great.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:17 pm
I always find SOMETHING in your posts, but this was a cookie where the reader writes the fortune. I’ve had a number of unusual jobs that have led me to ask why humans are the way they are. I studied the philosophy of religion, finding men wanting to be gods. I read all I saw and found the Tao. I see people looking to bond with others in order to fill the empty spaces that they cannot stand when they are alone. It seems to me that so few people can look beyond their perceived image seen by others to find themselves. Forget communicating with others, start by speaking truths to yourself. Seriously, if you lie to yourself, how can you possibly expect to find yourself? I ruffle feathers when I simply speak truths to clients, but they have come to expect it from me. Hey, I’m a Connecticut Yankee and rarely sugar-coat my views… but at least I am consistent. That, and know myself better than most people know themselves, IMHO
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
YES! Same thing as what I consider the best advice I ever got from a therapist when I was “stuck” and everything seemed terrible – do SOMETHING – anything is better than nothing at all, or staying in your stuck place. Definitely easier said than done, but it’s also hard to stay in a bad space.
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Jason: you’ve somehow read ahead to Monday. But how can that be? I haven’t written it yet. Must be some sort of channeling thing? So true that some people project what they want to see onto you, but some people (as you seem to be) can see the real you, too. The trick is to know the difference, and to learn how to accept honesty (because, sometimes, it hurts).
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:48 pm
I love the picture of the boat. Great choice for this piece, Alisa.
I never thought I knew who I was. I didn’t think I had ever been allowed to be myself growing up, then as a wife, I felt like I had been too busy being all those people one is expected to be in a marriage. But somewhere along the way, I had gravitated toward certain interests and activities. Wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t enjoy them, right? So, they became part of who I am.
As you said, we are never “done”. We are always on a journey. Its quite a trip, isn’t it? I am learning to not be so neat and tidy about my growth. That’s not an easy task. Just when you figure out who you are, you change! Take pictures!
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Wow … as usual this is great timing for me Alisa. Thanks!;) *huGs*
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Great post! I can’t wait to read the rest of the series. Finding myself has been something I’ve been working toward for the past almost 3 years. I’m loving going on this path now, newly married (just over 2 years) and feeling like I’m building all these skills early on that maybe might help through all of life. I firmly believe if you’re not happy and content with yourself and if you can’t accept yourself for who you are, you can’t be happy and content or accept anyone else. I agree with Kathy… the Myers-Briggs personality type tests kind of helped me figure out, “yeah, I really am an INFJ most of the time” and just kind of calmed me. I also agree with the advice to do SOMETHING. On my days when I’ve felt the most caved in on myself, the most introverted and introspective, where I was analyzing and microanalyzing everything in my world… getting off my hiney and doing something helped so much and brought me back to the present, and allowed me to relax.
So thank you. Can’t wait to read the next post.
October 5th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
this is pretty much how I got myself out of that nasty depressed state earlier this year-that’s the same time when I found you and reached out to you–and really started turning things around–wow, your comment box has a spell check–FANCY!
but i totally agree–just “do something” and see where it leads you–cause “if nothing changes, nothing changes”.
Alisa, you inspire me.
October 5th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I guess I think that part of a happy marriage is finding who you are together. If you each kind of go off and have separate experiences and thoughts, you’re more likely to drift. Maybe I just think this b/c we married young and have molded our entire lives together.
October 6th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I think the main thing in life that causes us to “lose” ourselves in the constant demands and titles that are put upon us.
I’m not trying to blame others here, but what I am saying is that somewhere among the “husband/wife/lover/friend/mother/father/sister/brother/daughter/son/writer/cook, etc” that we consistently take on and answer to—we are bound to get lost!
But, it’s not always a bad thing, getting lost, I personally find it invigorating to re-define who you are and who you want to be.
We are human beings, constantly evolving (I hope) and changing–change is the only constant in life; so, even if/when we “find” ourselves, chances are…in a few years, our lives will have changed again and we’ll have to find and re-define who we are then. God, I hope this makes sense.
I too went through a serious depression this last summer. Horrible. And for a while, I didn’t know who I was. I think at the point, you have to get back to the basics. Get back to the simplest things that at least at one time, made you so happy. You can’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve come from.
I also believe that after major changes in your life (i.e.: getting married, becoming a parent, being fired/hired, the death of a loved one, etc), we kind of are forced to “find” ourselves all over again.
That’s what happened to me. However, according to my friends, I’ve “always known,” who I was. And I agree on some level. I knew at a very early age that I was a child of God (not better than anyone else, but ultimately, His creation), that I was kept here for a darn good reason, and that I would always be Linda’s daughter. I always knew I loved music and singing, food and writing. None of that has changed, regardless of what has happened in my life.
So, when I get “lost” and need to “find” myself again, this is what I do: listen to music, sit & write–sometimes poetry, talk to my mom about my childhood and who/how I acted back then, cook one of my grandma’s famous recipies, surround myself with friends’ kids (I adore kids! They’re the best! They always put everything into perfect perspective!), talk with my husband and/or friends, and above all…I meditate. Sometimes I do all of the above, or just one at a time. I can’t say these always help me, but they always make me feel a tiny bit better–and some progress is better than no progress, you know?
Anyway, I think, (again, I hope) we find ourselves more and more the older we get. There are days when I feel very much my age (in my 20s) not having a clue about who I am, but that’s okay. I will know more someday, but I will never know it all. And for me, there’s such beauty in that. There’s such grace and hope in that because it means that I get to spend my life learning.
Now, as for who you are in a marriage? I’m still trying to figure that one out. I’m newly married and we are trying to figure out who we are as a married couple (like the lady above said) and trying to mold ourselves into one another’s lives. That’s very hard sometimes, but, also, such a fascinating journey! I had a pretty good idea of who I was before I got married, which is honestly, even at my younger age, one of the reasons I waited until this year. I knew, instinctively, that I would know more about who I was this year, than last year. I will probably say the same thing this time next year, but I digress.
Anyway, like you, Alisa, meditation has helped me a great deal. More than anything, actually! All of my friends and family and husband too, will say “you’re cranky, have you meditated lately? ‘Cause you need to…go…meditate.” That is how much it helps me. It’s not always easy, and definitely not always convenient, but so ultimately important for me to do. Great topic, thanks for sharing!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
October 10th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Hi Alisa!
I found your blog thru my good friend Nando. THis post was so insightful! I have been like that boat in the middle of the ocean, Thinking, thinking trying to find myself. But you are so right, I have start rowing.
Thanks for writing it.
Elisa
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Thank you for helping me grab the paddles and row
Meditation has always interested me and hopefully I can find a place close by or some great books.
Thank you again.