Comments on: Does your spouse love you?

By: DMH

DMH — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 17:54:04 +0000

I really love this post. It made me feel good because I continue to do all those things for my wife even though our marriage is in the pits right now. Let’s me know that my love for her is still stronger than ever.

Thanks Alisa

By: Angel

Angel — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 01:31:04 +0000

I am the kind of person who notices the little things. I realized, about halfway through my last marriage, that the little things are the most important. My husband used to do all of the little things that ment so much & made me feel so loved. With all of those little things, I never felt like I needed big gestures of any kind – although, he came up with a few of those, as well.
However, that is no longer the case. The little things are all but gone…and usually if he does something, now, he has an ulterior motive. He never touches me anymore. And he stops me, anytime I try to touch him. He swears that he still loves me, but that he just doesn’t feel the same as he used to. He isn’t attracted to me, anymore. But, he doesn’t want to end our marriage either. And he won’t admit the things that are the most obvious – like the fact that he wants other women, even when I caught him having sexual conversations with another woman! I feel in my heart that he loves me & everyone who knows us tells me that he loves me, and so does he, sometimes. But how can he love me & still treat me this way?

By: Laura

Laura — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 17:15:24 +0000

I started crying when I read this. I feel like the only time my spouse does something nice is when he wants a blow job.

By: Kristyn Oldham

Kristyn Oldham — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 09:51:03 +0000

I just want to ask you if you will make more posts like this one, well will you ?:)

By: Sue

Sue — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:16:48 +0000

Alisa, I started thinking about what you said about the 3 things in a marriage, compassion, assertiveness, and acceptance.

After reading JohnMcG’s last response and just thinking about all of our situations and it clicked. Another piece of all of this is EXPECTATIONS.

Lynn, you have expectations on how your husband will show you he loves you. Obviously, his expections of how he should show this don’t match yours.

John, possibly your wife’s expections on how you show you care are wrapped up in how much you get involved in her “hobbies”. I’m not ragging on you and I see you are really trying to see things from her point of view, but I bet if she saw you describe her efforts as a hobby she would be so hurt. Again, not a statement against you. If anything, I applaud your willingness to try and see it her way.

A lot of times, I think a good marriage is also a function of what each person expects of the other and what each person thinks is expected of them. I know at one point a few years ago, I was working 8am to 6pm (or later some nights). I would come home to my son and husband watching TV and the expectation was that I had to make dinner and clean up. And one night my husband criticized something I did and it just suddenly dawned on me that I would never, ever in a gagillion years fullfill his expectations of a wife. Looking at it this way was very freeing.

What do you guys think? How can you set appropriate expectations? Especially with a spouse who is not interested in talking about touchy-feely stuff?

By: JohnMcG

JohnMcG — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:16:11 +0000

To set the record striaght, my situation is not as out of balance as Alisa’s was as described here and in her other posts. I, and any observer, would consider my wife to be the primary caregiver.

My problem is that my wife also pursues “hobbies” that are tangentially related to caregiving, e.g. doing hours of research into educational and health issues about our daughters, and then resents that I “fail to support” her in these pursuits by also doing similar research.

By: Sue

Sue — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:19:29 +0000

Alisa, it’s getting scary now… the first blog entry of yours I read, you explained the wierd way that your husband folds clothes. Just pick the item out of the basket, fold and put in piles regardless of where they go. My husband does the same thing.

Now you mention the fact that you were the sole bread-winner and care giver while your husband “worked” at his own business. My husband has been doing this for most of the 14 years of our marriage. When I met him, he was gainfully employed. My salary covered all of our household expenses, so he went off and started a business that was a money sink-hole. I’ve been laid off. He gave up on that business, bought a big truck and is trying to be a truck driver. I’m working at a school for a fraction of what I was making and am ultimately hoping to become a teacher. In fact all this nervous babbling is due to the fact that I have an interview this afternoon.

I’m way off the topic of this thread and I’m sorry for that. Thanks to this particular thread, I did start to pray for insight into ways that my husband and I show we love each other. (okay, non-believers can replace that p-word with concentrate or whatever) But, I did have some moments where I did start to appreciate him again.

But then it always comes back around to HE IS SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE AND WE ARE LIVING OFF SAVINGS AND….. sigh…. at what point and in what way do I say, c’mon pal, man-up and get a real job?

Alisa, at one point you said that you had to almost get to the brink and feel comfortable with chucking it all and walking away. But right now, I couldn’t afford it. How could I afford a divorce right now? At least with him around the house all the time, I can go to workshops after school, I can go to this interview this afternoon without paying for a babysitter.

By: Alisa Bowman

Alisa Bowman — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:20:42 +0000

Lynn and JohnMcG–I’m glad you could both provide alternative perspectives to each other here. It’s my hope that the comments area of the blog can be a spot where people can support one anther in their collective struggle. That said, please understand that sometimes people comment because they are –at that moment–in a place of despair. Despair is not rational (it’s usually a 100 percent negative place), but I think it takes a lot of compassion to help someone get past that place.

I think every marriage requires a careful balance of three things: acceptance (certain things about your partner are never going to change), assertiveness (asking for what you want–out loud and in a calm tone of voice), and compassion (showing love to your partner even when you are angry and think your partner doesn’t deserve your love. Often one person has to make the first move in this regard). If all goes well, I’ll be writing about compassion today, but it does take all three to make things work.

Lynn–I feel for you because, like JohnMcG, I used to be the breadwinner AND caregiver at home. My husband had a business that did not earn an income (some people call these things a hobby, but I digress) and this “business” caused him to not be home most of the time. That was a very bad time for our marriage. It’s difficult to make things work when one partner is so far from the middle ground. That said–we’ve found a way to fix those issues and we are very happy now. That gives me hope that you can get to this place, too.

By: JohnMcG

JohnMcG — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:48:58 +0000

I apologize for coming out a bit harsh.

I will pray for all of us that we do more to love our spouses, and recognized the ways in which they love us.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:45:39 +0000

JohnMcG – Yup you’re right, he did pay for this computer and because of his job we are able to pay for our electricity.
But, I do pay for most of my own clothes – I have my own eBay store which brings in a tiny bit of money for me to use on my own little things, like clothes or eating out or other things that are not really “necessary”. I don’t use our joint account for those things.
And I don’t mean to say that he does *nothing* … he does work. Just that he does nothing at home.
Well you sound like you do quite a bit at home! Everything you listed that you do, I do – except for the computer maintenance as my husband’s knowledge of computers is better than mine. He does not touch the dishes or ever give them a bath. He will do some of the yard work, but during the summer I end up mowing quite a bit … good exercise anyway. When he has to do something little he’ll complain about it.

He will complain if he runs out of toilet paper as he’s using it (as in, there’s enough left for one use). Sometimes I forget to set another one out on top of the toilet bowl when I’m done, I will not intentionally leave it like that.
Being grateful … well, I’ll work on showing that. It can’t hurt. I don’t believe it’ll change his beliefs that he shouldn’t be required to do anything around the house. *sigh*