Love
Yes, they are sappy, but I’ve always loved those email forwards that quote school children about their views on love, marriage, and life. Yesterday, one of these sappy posts was making its rounds on Twitter. It was titled, “What does love mean? See how 4-8 year-old kids describe love.”
I, of course, read every single word of it, because I think kids are wise in an endearing, funny way.
Like what Rebecca, age 8, had to say about her grandfather painting her grandmother’s toenails? Poor Grandma can’t bend over anymore, so Grandpa helps her out, even though he has arthritis in his hands.
How heart-warming is that? It made me want to write Rebecca’s grandfather a note, thanking him for being such a loving husband.
And what Chrissy said about giving someone most of your French Fries without expecting any food in return? That’s definitely love in my book. Or what Chris said about a mommy who always gives the daddy the best piece of chicken? Love.
It got me thinking. Too often our definition of love includes nearly impossible gestures and feats. For instance, that asinine Christmas commercial that has the ribbon-wrapped Lexus comes to mind. I hate that commercial so much that I’ve pledged to never own a Lexus for as long as I live—even if I somehow win one in a contest.
Such commercials condition us to think things like, “If he REALLY loved me, he would [insert just about anything here.]” We define it by what we want and not by what is already being given. For instance, I’m guessing Rebecca’s grandmother isn’t going to have a ribbon-wrapped sports car in her driveway come Christmas morning. And her husband probably falls short in other ways. Maybe he doesn’t leave the room when he passes gas. Maybe he doesn’t remember their anniversary. Maybe he doesn’t do any number of things that might be defined as “loving.”
But he paints her toenails.
Especially when a marriage falls apart, we often fixate on all of the ways we are not being loved. (At least I know I did). And we neglect to notice all of the ways we already are loved. So after I read the sappy post about kids and love, I began thinking about all of the ways my husband shows his love. This is what I came up with:
- Usually, when I come home from a business trip, I come home to a clean house. For instance, two weeks ago, my husband had not only picked up all of the random toys, he’d also scrubbed out the refrigerator, the kitchen trashcan and the dog bowl. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
- Whenever it’s raining, my husband drops me off at restaurant and store entrances, and then he parks the car.
- When I nap on weekends, my husband closes the bedroom door, so the sounds of him and my daughter playing will not wake me.
- When I’m morose or stressed, my husband sits next to me, puts his arm around me, and says nothing, because he knows I don’t want to talk about it.
- He makes my coffee in the morning, even though I can make it myself. He makes me coffee even when he’s not making any for himself.
- He puts air in my bike tires for me, even though I know how to do this myself.
- Whenever I’m going to drive my car a long distance, he checks all of the fluid levels and the air pressure in the tires.
- He recently cut mums from the yard and put them in a water-filled wine glass in the kitchen.
Even when our marriage was in the pits, I think he did most of these things. I just didn’t notice them, because I was too busy fixating on all of the ways I didn’t feel loved. So I think it’s a good exercise—no matter what stage of marriage you are in—to think about all of the small ways your spouse displays his or her love. Are you like me? Do you tend to overlook the small, sweet gestures? Or are you convinced that there are no loving gestures to be noticed? What are the ways that your spouse says, “I love you”? How do you say, “I love you” to your spouse? Leave a comment.
Note: I am taking the next week off from blogging. We have relatives visiting, and I need a short break in order to recharge myself. I’ll be back here the week of October 19th.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Sarah Liz (3)
TAY (2)
50 Proposals (1)
Alexandra (1)
Ande Lyons (1)
Angelina Whiteney (1)
Artemisia (1)
AS (1)
ash (1)
Christine (1)
{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
To set the record striaght, my situation is not as out of balance as Alisa’s was as described here and in her other posts. I, and any observer, would consider my wife to be the primary caregiver.
My problem is that my wife also pursues “hobbies” that are tangentially related to caregiving, e.g. doing hours of research into educational and health issues about our daughters, and then resents that I “fail to support” her in these pursuits by also doing similar research.
Alisa, I started thinking about what you said about the 3 things in a marriage, compassion, assertiveness, and acceptance.
After reading JohnMcG’s last response and just thinking about all of our situations and it clicked. Another piece of all of this is EXPECTATIONS.
Lynn, you have expectations on how your husband will show you he loves you. Obviously, his expections of how he should show this don’t match yours.
John, possibly your wife’s expections on how you show you care are wrapped up in how much you get involved in her “hobbies”. I’m not ragging on you and I see you are really trying to see things from her point of view, but I bet if she saw you describe her efforts as a hobby she would be so hurt. Again, not a statement against you. If anything, I applaud your willingness to try and see it her way.
A lot of times, I think a good marriage is also a function of what each person expects of the other and what each person thinks is expected of them. I know at one point a few years ago, I was working 8am to 6pm (or later some nights). I would come home to my son and husband watching TV and the expectation was that I had to make dinner and clean up. And one night my husband criticized something I did and it just suddenly dawned on me that I would never, ever in a gagillion years fullfill his expectations of a wife. Looking at it this way was very freeing.
What do you guys think? How can you set appropriate expectations? Especially with a spouse who is not interested in talking about touchy-feely stuff?
I just want to ask you if you will make more posts like this one, well will you ?:)
I started crying when I read this. I feel like the only time my spouse does something nice is when he wants a blow job.
I am the kind of person who notices the little things. I realized, about halfway through my last marriage, that the little things are the most important. My husband used to do all of the little things that ment so much & made me feel so loved. With all of those little things, I never felt like I needed big gestures of any kind – although, he came up with a few of those, as well.
However, that is no longer the case. The little things are all but gone…and usually if he does something, now, he has an ulterior motive. He never touches me anymore. And he stops me, anytime I try to touch him. He swears that he still loves me, but that he just doesn’t feel the same as he used to. He isn’t attracted to me, anymore. But, he doesn’t want to end our marriage either. And he won’t admit the things that are the most obvious – like the fact that he wants other women, even when I caught him having sexual conversations with another woman! I feel in my heart that he loves me & everyone who knows us tells me that he loves me, and so does he, sometimes. But how can he love me & still treat me this way?
I really love this post. It made me feel good because I continue to do all those things for my wife even though our marriage is in the pits right now. Let’s me know that my love for her is still stronger than ever.
Thanks Alisa
← Previous Comments