Does your spouse love you?
Love
Yes, they are sappy, but I’ve always loved those email forwards that quote school children about their views on love, marriage, and life. Yesterday, one of these sappy posts was making its rounds on Twitter. It was titled, “What does love mean? See how 4-8 year-old kids describe love.”
I, of course, read every single word of it, because I think kids are wise in an endearing, funny way.
Like what Rebecca, age 8, had to say about her grandfather painting her grandmother’s toenails? Poor Grandma can’t bend over anymore, so Grandpa helps her out, even though he has arthritis in his hands.
How heart-warming is that? It made me want to write Rebecca’s grandfather a note, thanking him for being such a loving husband.
And what Chrissy said about giving someone most of your French Fries without expecting any food in return? That’s definitely love in my book. Or what Chris said about a mommy who always gives the daddy the best piece of chicken? Love.
It got me thinking. Too often our definition of love includes nearly impossible gestures and feats. For instance, that asinine Christmas commercial that has the ribbon-wrapped Lexus comes to mind. I hate that commercial so much that I’ve pledged to never own a Lexus for as long as I live—even if I somehow win one in a contest.
Such commercials condition us to think things like, “If he REALLY loved me, he would [insert just about anything here.]” We define it by what we want and not by what is already being given. For instance, I’m guessing Rebecca’s grandmother isn’t going to have a ribbon-wrapped sports car in her driveway come Christmas morning. And her husband probably falls short in other ways. Maybe he doesn’t leave the room when he passes gas. Maybe he doesn’t remember their anniversary. Maybe he doesn’t do any number of things that might be defined as “loving.”
But he paints her toenails.
Especially when a marriage falls apart, we often fixate on all of the ways we are not being loved. (At least I know I did). And we neglect to notice all of the ways we already are loved. So after I read the sappy post about kids and love, I began thinking about all of the ways my husband shows his love. This is what I came up with:
- Usually, when I come home from a business trip, I come home to a clean house. For instance, two weeks ago, my husband had not only picked up all of the random toys, he’d also scrubbed out the refrigerator, the kitchen trashcan and the dog bowl. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
- Whenever it’s raining, my husband drops me off at restaurant and store entrances, and then he parks the car.
- When I nap on weekends, my husband closes the bedroom door, so the sounds of him and my daughter playing will not wake me.
- When I’m morose or stressed, my husband sits next to me, puts his arm around me, and says nothing, because he knows I don’t want to talk about it.
- He makes my coffee in the morning, even though I can make it myself. He makes me coffee even when he’s not making any for himself.
- He puts air in my bike tires for me, even though I know how to do this myself.
- Whenever I’m going to drive my car a long distance, he checks all of the fluid levels and the air pressure in the tires.
- He recently cut mums from the yard and put them in a water-filled wine glass in the kitchen.
Even when our marriage was in the pits, I think he did most of these things. I just didn’t notice them, because I was too busy fixating on all of the ways I didn’t feel loved. So I think it’s a good exercise—no matter what stage of marriage you are in—to think about all of the small ways your spouse displays his or her love. Are you like me? Do you tend to overlook the small, sweet gestures? Or are you convinced that there are no loving gestures to be noticed? What are the ways that your spouse says, “I love you”? How do you say, “I love you” to your spouse? Leave a comment.
Note: I am taking the next week off from blogging. We have relatives visiting, and I need a short break in order to recharge myself. I’ll be back here the week of October 19th.
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Tags: love
October 9th, 2009 at 9:51 am
If you’re not blogging, it must mean you don’t love us! (;-)
October 9th, 2009 at 9:54 am
He loves me and i know it because he… starts the kids movie in the dvd player the night before, so when, as my last resort i give in and turn it on, its already at the start menu.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Awwww–I love you. If I didn’t love you, I’d suddenly take a week off without announcing it.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I love this post and every little thing you mention about what your husband made me awww!!!
I can relate to you also , I love when my husband does little things for me. Before when things werent going to good for us I didnt realize them but now that we matured I am so thankful that he does things for me.
Heres a list of what he does:
-when i have cramps at night he gets up and gets me some water and some Advil
-everytime i need to go to the store he always drops me off in the entrence
-if it starts to rain and i have sandals on he carries me all the way to a dry place so my feet dont get wet
-any time he sees me during the day he tells me i look hot!
-he buys me a dozen of roses when its my birthday evern though everybody seems to foget my birthday and never buys me anything
-anytime i need to drive somewhere he always tells me to be carefull that shows that he worries about me
-he calls me his princess all the time
……… i really could go on forever and ever but im working right now.!
October 9th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Yesterday, my husband made the bed without being asked. He also brought home some Halloween candy that I like, and he gave me an extra kiss before bed without griping about it. (He’s not a big kisser, even though I am!). The most important way I felt loved yesterday–he asked how my day was! That’s huge! I think for me, and for most people, knowing someone cares about how your day went; good or bad, is an excellent way in which we can show and receive love. Oh, and he brings me flowers a lot—usually about twice a month, and I always love that! It’s his thing, and I’m glad it is, I enjoy it every time, plus he always picks such beautiful ones that are suiting to my mood(s)! If I had more time, I’d list some things I do to make him feel loved, but that’s not what this post was about and also, it’s time for me to head out the door! Thanks for this post, Alisa, and great reminder(s)! Have a great weekend, everybody! Here’s to being loved, and feeling loved, each and every day!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
October 9th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
As always, loving your thoughts. I am not in the best frame of mind to participate today…maybe later…
October 9th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
LOVE this post! I have, over my 2 1/2 years of marriage, written many “positive” lists about my husband when I feel like things aren’t going the way I think they “should” go… those romantic ideals that, if they happened all the time, wouldn’t mean anything when they do happen. I’m not going to list a lot here, but two things that came to mind immediately:
* He says “I love you” several times a day, always when we get off the phone, before one of us leaves the house, and before bed.
* We always kiss each other good night.
Those two things seem so little, but when they don’t happen, I wonder what’s wrong.
Thanks for posting this. It’s a good reminder to look for the little things… not only in your marraige, but life in general.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
October 19th!!!!!that’s to far. When u don’t blog for a day,I feel lost now a WEEK????just hurry back.
Love the post though. Interesting and very true. My hubby does do small things that are very loving,problem is I don’t care for it anymore. It don’t make a difference to me. I don’t feel or go like awwww I feel like or go like please,who is he trying to impress.
Am just being honest
October 9th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Sweet post. I do take the time to notice the small things, as my husband is constantly reminding me that love is in the details. You are right it is important, and we often fixate on the wrong things, thanks for the reminder. Your husband sounds like a keeper!
October 9th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Hubby and I are not in a good place right now. He truly hurt my feelings Monday night and they are still hurt.
Tonight I needed a new light bulb for my reading lamp. He promised to get me a new one when he got home from work. I had to remind him of his promise to get it for me. And then had to ask for him to put the bulb in. (Yes, I can do it. But please, I had to “make” him keep his promise.)
What little things does my husband do for me – honestly not a lot. However he did go for a drive tonight – puppy has been bored since she didn’t get her walk on Sunday due to rain. So I figured a long drive in the car would help her out of her funk. So, when I suggested that we take her for a drive, he did consent and we went for a drive. And since I’m taking the car for a long distance tomorrow, he filled up the gas tank while we were out.
But on the norm, no he doesn’t do little nice things for me. But, I don’t have to work outside the home and he’s not demanding about the house or much else. He expects his lunch to be packed each work day, dinner made each evening and his laundry to be done. And when I don’t pack his lunch, he doesn’t complain. When I cook a frozen dinner, he doesn’t complain. And when I’ve forgotten about the laundry, he lets me know he’s going to work nekked the next day.
When I returned from an 8 day road trip – the house was in the same condition as it would have been had I been home. But he didn’t vacuum even though I’d hinted that he could get that done. LOL!!!
He used to massage my feet when asked or he’d just offer. We used to sit around and talk each night after dinner (we’ve only been married four years next Thursday). Now he watches TV or plays on FB. While I’m on my various message boards. Or reading this blog.
So we are completely in a slump and I’m not sure I can recover from it. He’s fine – he’s got his job and he’s happy with his evenings. I’m bored and going crazy.
Alisa, have a good, fun time with the relatives. I’ll miss your blogs.
October 10th, 2009 at 1:17 am
I go by the 5 different love languages, I tell my hubby how I want him to show me some love and I in return ask him how he wants me to show love, we are both different. He like’s when I buy things for him or tell him “I love you” on the other hand I like when he spends time with me to show that he loves me. Because you see you could be showing you love them in your own but then they wont catch on or appreciate it kwim?
October 10th, 2009 at 2:16 am
I loved your post Alisa! Just about everything in your post rings true with my husband and I. My husband shows he loves me by:
-keeping my gas tank full because he knows I hate doing it
-calls every afternoon to see how my day is going
-sends sweet text messages to get me through work every night
-he lets me scream, yell, curse, and cry then just holds me
-makes me breakfast and coffee every morning even though I work nights
-cooks dinner most nights so that I don’t have to
-Tells me he loves me every chance he gets
Making this list made me realize that my husband does something to show his love and committment to our marriage everyday. And the same goes for me. We’re both happy and content in our marriage and it shows in our actions. I say “I love you” simply by telling him how appreciative I am to have him, be married to him, and to love him. He’s all that I ever wanted and more than I deserve. I couldn’t be happier!
October 10th, 2009 at 4:43 am
I was directed to your site through Allison’s blog Stampin When I Can and I’m so glad I visited. You have a beautiful gift in writing. I’m adding you to my Google Reader to stay updated. Thank you for the reminder about looking at how my husband (and actually everyone in my life) shows love. One of my favorite things my husband has said to me recently was when we made a wish and pulled on the turkey wishbone and I won. I said to him – well, you can tell me your wish since I won and he said, “My wish was that you would get your wish.” Sweet man.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Kathy–I had to respond to one thing you wrote, “But, I don’t have to work outside the home and he’s not demanding about the house or much else.” I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into that, but it sounds like you are negating your needs. All feelings are valid. Whether you work or you don’t work, your feelings about happiness and unhappiness are still valid.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Yes, Alisa, and I’m working on that. I was trying to communicate that I really shouldn’t or don’t have anything to complain about. But just because I don’t have to work outside the home, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have my needs met.
Even at my age, I’m learning and growing. LOL!!!
October 10th, 2009 at 8:43 am
1. Carresses my back and legs in the mornings because he knows I wake up miserable; (2) Drives me to the classes I teach because they are at night and I must take I95 and 476 to get to them (and he stays for the three-hour class even though he has done this for years and probably knows the material better than I do); (3) Does all the food shopping and cooking because he is retired and I am working full time (only fair, he says, because I did that for 20 years); (4) Quietly listens to me rant and rave even if he has no idea why or how he can help; (5) Simply is “with me” in his steady, calm, sweet way. I do not need any material gifts from him: he is all I need.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I’m so happy that Allison sent me here to visit – what a wonderfully refreshing perspective! Thanks. Looking forward to when you come back! ~chris
October 10th, 2009 at 11:26 am
I have to say that your posts have helped me to look at my partner in a new light. We went through some hard times and are now trying to get back on track. Just the other night, knowing that I had a very stressful day at work, he brought home, not 1, but 4 bouquets of flowers. He does little things like that just to cheer me up and to see me smile. He loves Hershey kisses, specially the dark chocolate, so when I’m at the store, I’ll pick him up a bag. My soon to be husband, after 6 years, is helping me understand that love isn’t big gifts, or expensive dinners. It’s laying in bed at night watching ‘our’ shows and eating dark chocolate hershey kisses and smelling those beautiful flowers.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I have been thinking hard with regard to my first husband and only came up with sharing child-rearing duties. Maybe that’s why we ended up getting a divorce? My second husband anticipates my needs in funny, little ways. He encourages my writing career and often tells me how proud he is of all we have accomplished with our inn. He tolerates my belief that I will someday sell my manuscript, and even says he’s willing to collaborate on a future book project. What do I do to show love? I let him sleep as late as he wants. I always encourage him to spend several weeks of vacation in his home country with his adult sons. I tell him how wonderful he is, since he has always had an inferiority complex, and that’s truly what I believe anyway. He fits me like a comfortable glove. Lots of fights with Husband Number 1. Not one, with Husband Number 2. That, in itself, must prove something ….
October 10th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Alexandra–I think you are totally onto something. I’m wondering if this might be a little test that could help one figure out whether a marriage can be saved or not. That wasn’t my intent when I wrote it, but it seems to make sense.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
As I read this I look up on my desk and see the rose. My husband just got up this morning went out to my rose bush that I nursed back to life, cut the biggest rose put in a pilsner with water added blue (my favorite color) food color and brought me. Just because. This is how he says he loves me, that and no matter where I am sitting I always have a cold drink, my glass is never empty. Everyday he does little things to show me how much he loves me. All these little things make me wonder, does he too feel loved, do I do enough of the little things for him as well?? Very humbling, keeps me grounded. Thank you for posting this, I really relate and I love it!
October 10th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Alisa, Your hubbie is one nice guy who knows how to show his love. I wonder if I’ve been married too long? (28 yrs.) He still is sweet and shows his love but he doesn’t bring me my coffee any more… wah.
Maybe a gentle reminder?
October 11th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I’m so glad I read this today, of all days. Feeling quite cranky towards my husband this morning, and you’ve given me something to think about. Off to consider all the nice things he does regularly (and there are plenty)…
October 11th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Great post Alisa. I was discussing it with Frugal Man as he was washing my car when I didn’t feel well enough to do it. Being an engineer, he’s not much for lovey-dovey talk, but he shows me how he loves me all the time in a thousand ways-many of them involving minor household engineering.
October 12th, 2009 at 10:44 am
These are such important reminders. It’s easy to forget how the small things add up and have a huge impact on your entire relationship.
October 12th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I see by reading this that there are alot of happy people (women) out there. This is how I am supposed to know my husband loves me. He says after supper” Thanks for not letting me die again today.” That means Hey I love your cooking and I know you try so hard because you love me too.
This morning he got our son up for school. This is something I have gotten to hate because every morning is the same fight. And he is only in kindergarten! That was his way of saying I love you and I don’t want your Monday to start out sucky!
For Christmas last year he bought me a beautiful new stove. He knows I love to cook and pride myself on being a good one. My old stove was burning everything. ( YES!! It was the stoves fault!! )
Days, weeks and sometimes even months go by and I wonder Does he really love me? We are not real demonstrative people. A slap on the ass or a feel up is supposed to tell me that he does. My cooking good meals and trying to keep the kitchen clean is supposed to tell him that I do. We have problems. Lord, do we have problems, but in the end I guess we do love each other. Even if they are weird things we do to tell each other so.
October 12th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
hmmmm…. lots of mixed reactions reading this post.
My husband and I are not in a good place either, like a few who have commented. Me and my son went to visit my dad this weekend. It was good to get away from my husband. I’m glad I read this post before the weekend. I tried to think of the ways he says he loves me. He did check on the vitals of the car before I left and reassured me that he had topped off the washer fluid, checked the oil and stuff. I said thank you. But beyond that, I really can’t think of ways we show our love for each other… if it is hard to make a list does that mean…. hmmmm….
Hey, so I thought this might be appropriate. My mom died about 13 years ago. At her death, my parents had been married for about 45 years. They had their ups and downs. As kids, we heard and saw a lot of fights. My dad still lives in the same house I grew up in and this weekend as I drove around in his car with him I asked him what the clinking and rattling was in the trunk. He said it was fertilizer and water cans for the cemetary. He goes every few days to water and care for my mom’s plot at the cemetary. I brought my son to check out the sight. You should see how green that grass is! It’s a wierd thing to think about that juxtaposed next to all the stupid little arguments I remember them having. I wonder if my husband would care for my cemetary plot? I wonder if I would care for his? I suppose we had better start figuring out how to show each other we love each other now, before it is too late…. easier said than done.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Reading all of these post just made me depressed. Wow Janet, can I trade your husband for mine! He sounds like the perfect man. I’ve tried to think of a list or even a handfull of things my husbad does and I keep coming up with excuses as to why he doesn’t do the things I would like him to. When I do come up with something its usually something he does only cause there is a benefit behind it for him. For example he wakes up the kids every morning to take them to school BUT thats only because he is on his way out to the gym anyway. I know this because when he doesn’t go to the gym, he wakes me up to do it. He washes the dishes after dinner, but only cause I think he is trying to say He is sorry for taking advantage of all I do since our marriage went through a rocky time recently and he is still apologizing. Also because I tell him do you want to wash dishes or give the baby a bath and put him to sleep. He chooses dishes always! If he does show me love its when we get in bed at night he want to play footsies or hold me close BUT only cause he wants something. Again only if there is something in it for him. I will keep paying attention and hopefully I will find something he does even if its small that could be his way of showing me love. There has to be something he does on his own without a motive or benefit for him. BUT what if there isn’t??!! What does that mean? unfortunantly this blog has made me question my marriage even more!
October 12th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Hmmm.. it seems to be the “something in it for him” is connection to the woman he loves, or a closer relationship to the woman he loves. Which he wouldn’t want if he didn’t love you.
Nothing anybody does is completely altruistic. We always have some hope that the person we do something for will see it appreciate it, and think better of us for it. You can put any act under a microscope and determine it was motivated by selfish concerns.
I think your relationship will only improve if that attitude changes. It sounds like your husband is in a position where he can do nothing right — anything he does will be dismissed as not doing enough. Which probably leads to him doing less. Which probably leads to you thinking he never does anything. And down we go.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:01 am
To Tina & all the other women that are not in a good marriage:
Well Tina its sounds like your husband is trying a littly tiny bit to be a good guy and that counts at least one bit. The key is to talk to him you both need to learn how to communicate. That is the very first step you need to take. If you never ask for what you need then you will never get it. Thats how it needs to be at first. Then next step is you need to read some good books about how men work. I read just two e-books and honestly that was what saved my marriage. They are:
“Act like a lady think like a man” & “The truth about cheating”
If you guys want i can email them to you seriosly it will change your life forever!
After you read them you will learn how you can change your marriage
October 13th, 2009 at 9:10 am
@ Janet
Could you email me the books as well,I would love them. If it can save my marriage I want it.
Let me know if it possible and I can give you my email address.
Thanks
October 13th, 2009 at 10:27 am
yea just give me your email address if you want you can just email to me at
janet3491@verizon.net.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
@ John, Very well put! Never looked at it that way. Good eye opener. Thanks.
@ Janet, yes I would be very interested in reading those books. I will email you.
Thanks.
October 13th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Love these gentle tips that you offer. So nice, Alisa.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Can anybody give me advice about my marriage? Me and my husband has been married for about 2 years now and we have a 17 month old son. I feel that he loves me, but just not in love with me anymore. I am afraid that he is giving his heart to someone else. What can I do?
October 16th, 2009 at 6:26 am
I just downloaded your ebook rules. Will read it later. I have been married for 20 years. As I read this, I could think of very few things my husband does without me telling him to do it. Don’t get me wrong, he definitely isn’t lazy-not at all! But he just doesn’t seem to have direction. But I did think of something, he does buy flowers for me every now and then. But I do know he loves me, without a doubt. I just wish he would step up to the plate. Sometimes I feel like his mother and he knows he puts me in that position. We have been to counseling. They tell me to just stop doing things. Ok so he was suppose to take care of the check book–he bounced checks because he avoided it. These kind of things go on and on but I will never lose home that maybe someday . . . . . .
October 16th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Thank you for this post, Alisa. It came at the perfect time for me, and I have thought about it more than once since reading it a few days ago.
It reminds me of the fact that marriage (and love) isn’t about the warm, gushy feelings all the time, but about always working at the relationship, and looking for the best in our spouse.
I’ve spent some time thinking about what my husband does to show me he loves me…
Our son gets up ridiculously early, and he does morning duty more than his fair share of the time. He is extremely affectionate (something I don’t appreciate or want at the moment, but remembering that this is his way of showing his love is helpful). He has always supported me in *everything* I’ve done or wanted to do…a friend told me recently she has always thought it was so great that my husband is so obviously proud of me and respects me.
And the biggest one…when I talk to him about my sadness and frustration about our marriage? He empathizes with me and listens quietly, even though it must hurt him terribly to hear some of the things I say. THAT takes a big man.
October 19th, 2009 at 5:01 am
I came to this post because I am asking that question: “does my spouse love me?” and Marriage is SO complicated. Why is it so hard to tell others what you want or like but to tell your spouse it just doesn’t come out? I feel I am in a slump right now married 3 yrs and with a year old child. I liked your post because it reminds us of how Men’s Minds work with regards to showing love, and we as women have to realize gone are the days then they used to take u out for dinner just because (now it has be a special occasion ):
Ok here are the ways he shows his love:
Takes the trash out (I never do)
Makes coffe for both of us if he gets up first (or vise versa)
Tells me you are going to be cold wearing sandals when it is raining (to me He is telling me what to do but to him he is showing concern)
After telling him I no longer want birthday cards or any special card (because for my first mother’s day he didn’t get anything,anything..) so I told him I am tired of expectations please don’t even try to get a birthday card I dont’ want any cards from now on just surprise me do something or nothing.. SOOOO when my birthday came around he sent me to a 5 hour SPA treatment…I was VERY surprised and a very HAPPY woman.THAT goes to show you Men have to be told what you want!
Ok maybe I should stop here, right now I am in a fragile state of mind, where I am so upset with my husband (I feel he stands up for others instead of his own wife: he told me not to be aggressive when we go to pediatrician’s office???????)
and yes I am forcing myself to think of positive things.
THanks ALisa for the POST.
IT is a great exercise. ANd I will continue working on here at home.
Lisa
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
I do a lot of small things for my wife… I cook for her… I wash the dishes.. I drive her every where she wants to go.. I accompany her to her work place and take the subwat back to the opposite direction for my work… I wait for her for hours to pick her up… even I was so sick from dental procedure, I still drive for her… I make sure she gets roses her birthdays.. take out the trash.. clean the yard and more..
But all of those little extra effort was not being appreciated… she still complaints that she wish I was like someone else or somebody’s husband… always making comparison…
October 26th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
It really is so important to make sure you always reinforce how much you love your partner.
I make it an every day must!
Too often people take eachother for granted and then wonder why things go stale.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:43 am
This topic has really got me thinking, and I’d like to hear responses. I’m not married, but have been in a relationship for a year and am having doubts that we should take it to the level of marriage. I keep focusing on the things he DOESN’T do- he rarely tells me he loves me, though if I mention the lack, he insists that he does love me. I need a lot of affection for reinforcement of his love, but he grew up in a non-affectionate family, and I think his idea of showing love is more in a friendly, caring way. He sometimes forgets to call me during the day, even though he knows it’s important to me. When we sit on the couch watching TV, or when we go out to dinner, we always hold hands, but he often forgets to kiss me goodnight. He doesn’t think to brush his teeth before bed sometimes, or even in the morning to give me a kiss. He passes gas around me all the time and tells me it’s because he feels comfortable around me.
He does ask me every day how my day was, and if I’m feeling sick, he is the best nursemaid in town. He makes me coffee in the morning, and offers to make me tea every night (because he is making himself some). He never buys me flowers. He used to buy me licorice (my favorite candy) at the beginning of our relationship, but doesn’t do that anymore.
My dillimma is that if he already treats me more as a friend, than as a lover after only one year, do I really want to marry him and have a life like this?
BTW, I grew up with a single mom, so I never had a frame of reference for how loving couples behave. Am I asking for too much?
November 5th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
I read this with hope and excitement then I wanted to post the little things my ? spouse/husband/friend/? does we fight bitterly about taking out the trash so thats not it, he works so he is not supposed to do housework so thats not it ( I work, I run a succesful online retail store, I am Master cosmetologist with my own shop,) He would starve before cooking so thats not it, or at least he would cook for himself and never ask would I like something, I have RA and fibromyaligia and live in pain everyday, not to mention I have battled cancer for the past two years, He never ask about my pain or how I am feeling so thats not it, he never buys me anything for any reason so thats not it, He doesnt touch, hug, kiss or makelove to me because I have gotten older and not a young sweet firm thing anymore (I 43) so thats not it, I take care of all the household obligations so thats not it, I try to reach out to him and let him know I am lonesome and I miss him but he pushes me away in disgust so thats not it, I am faithful and loyal, supporting and respect him so thats not it. He knows I was abused as a child and my mother drilled in my head that I ruined her life, now he says that I have basically done the same to his life, he is unhappy with his job and has no desire to obtain a different one and its my fault so thats not it, I take care of my looks and keep clean and look nice and fashionable he never notices, I put a bright pink streak in the front of my blonde hair he didnt notice so thats not it, really I cant think of one thing my ??? does to show me that he does love me. I do love him but why??? I cant think of anything right now, maybe there is hope that before the night is over one thing will pop into my mind. I think that would be awesome one thing he does just because.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I’ve been married a little over 10 years, and we have 2 little girls. Reading other people’s comments makes me sad … my husband doesn’t do anything around the house or hardly anything with our daughters. He thinks that since he works when he comes home he should be able to relax. When he brought in the garbage can yesterday he asked why I didn’t bring it in … I said that was the only thing he does around the house so why does he have to complain about it? He complains even if he has to put a new toilet paper on the roll.
I take care of all the dish washing, paying bills, closing up the garbages, ironing, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc. Pretty much everything to do with running the house, he has put together some of the kid’s toys but that’s about it. Yes, I do stay at home but many of the other moms I talk to have husbands that at least do *something* around the house. I get the girls ready for bed (a bath if needed) & put to sleep, and dressed in the morning. He does play with them a bit at night, and I am able to take a shower but not always without him complaining about how long I take in the shower. I never complain about how long it takes him or how long it takes for him to shave.
I don’t think he does anything to show he loves me.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
I dunno — maybe the fact that he works to put a roof over your head and food for you to eat might demonstrate that he loves you.
And I’m sure your lack of gratitude for that does wonders for his willingness to do more.
I also note that failed to mention anything you do to show you love him.
But I guess he doesn’t deserve it…
November 12th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
JohnMcG – defensive much?
Lack of gratitude? If anything it’s a lack of gratitude on his part.
I do think I could do *more* to show I love him, like possibly become his slave and not complain about it one bit.
But seriously, yes no one is perfect and I’m no exception.
But besides that, I do make sure he has clean/ironed clothes for work the next morning, his food is sitting in the fridge for him to take to work, I clean up after him, when I go to the store I call to ask if he wants anything special (like a snack, etc.), I have bought him things I’ve thought he wanted but after him getting upset and yelling at me if he actually doesn’t want it I make sure to ask him before I buy anything first. I’ll make a special trip to the store to buy something if he is indicating a food craving and I won’t complain.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:19 am
Every day you wake up in a house that someone else works to pay for, eat food someone else worked to provide you, put on clothes someone else worked to buy you, and then you go on a computer that same person worked to earn money for (running on electricity and an internet connection that person works to pay for) in order to complain that that person does nothing to demonstrate to show he loves you.
(I apologize if the above is based on incorrect assumptions about your family finances. Maybe your computer was a gift from your parents or you sew your own clothes or shop at thrift stores. But I suspect it is correct in broad details)
I don’t believe a man has discharged his duties to his family by earning a living. But it is something.
As for myself, in addition to earning >95% of our family’s income working two jobs, I pay all the bills, cook half the meals (including anything remotely difficult), do half the laundry, do at least half the dishes, do a good amount of supervising the girls’ picking up, do all the floor sweeping and mopping, all the taking out of garbage and bringing back in, take the girls to church every week and teach their Sunday school class, take them to their sports on the weekends, do all yard and car and computer maintenance, half of our special needs’ daughter’s therapy, half the bathing, and am almost always the first one up with them on the weekends.
So, yes, if all your husband does is work his job, I believe you have the right to expect more.
But it is also true that if you wanted to, you could see your husband’s work as a (not insignificant) way that he loves you. And if you want him to do more, cultivating a sense of gratitude about the things he does is likely to be more effective than focusing what he doesn’t do.
(For example, I suspect your husband’s complaint about the toilet paper wasn’t that he had to refill it, but that someone left the bathroom with it empty, which is indeed rude. If he does the same thing, then all’s fair. But if I left that bathroom empty of toilet paper, and my wife was the next one to use it, I would expect to hear complaints).
November 13th, 2009 at 1:45 am
JohnMcG – Yup you’re right, he did pay for this computer and because of his job we are able to pay for our electricity.
But, I do pay for most of my own clothes – I have my own eBay store which brings in a tiny bit of money for me to use on my own little things, like clothes or eating out or other things that are not really “necessary”. I don’t use our joint account for those things.
And I don’t mean to say that he does *nothing* … he does work. Just that he does nothing at home.
Well you sound like you do quite a bit at home! Everything you listed that you do, I do – except for the computer maintenance as my husband’s knowledge of computers is better than mine. He does not touch the dishes or ever give them a bath. He will do some of the yard work, but during the summer I end up mowing quite a bit … good exercise anyway. When he has to do something little he’ll complain about it.
He will complain if he runs out of toilet paper as he’s using it (as in, there’s enough left for one use). Sometimes I forget to set another one out on top of the toilet bowl when I’m done, I will not intentionally leave it like that.
Being grateful … well, I’ll work on showing that. It can’t hurt. I don’t believe it’ll change his beliefs that he shouldn’t be required to do anything around the house. *sigh*
November 13th, 2009 at 1:48 am
I apologize for coming out a bit harsh.
I will pray for all of us that we do more to love our spouses, and recognized the ways in which they love us.
November 13th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Lynn and JohnMcG–I’m glad you could both provide alternative perspectives to each other here. It’s my hope that the comments area of the blog can be a spot where people can support one anther in their collective struggle. That said, please understand that sometimes people comment because they are –at that moment–in a place of despair. Despair is not rational (it’s usually a 100 percent negative place), but I think it takes a lot of compassion to help someone get past that place.
I think every marriage requires a careful balance of three things: acceptance (certain things about your partner are never going to change), assertiveness (asking for what you want–out loud and in a calm tone of voice), and compassion (showing love to your partner even when you are angry and think your partner doesn’t deserve your love. Often one person has to make the first move in this regard). If all goes well, I’ll be writing about compassion today, but it does take all three to make things work.
Lynn–I feel for you because, like JohnMcG, I used to be the breadwinner AND caregiver at home. My husband had a business that did not earn an income (some people call these things a hobby, but I digress) and this “business” caused him to not be home most of the time. That was a very bad time for our marriage. It’s difficult to make things work when one partner is so far from the middle ground. That said–we’ve found a way to fix those issues and we are very happy now. That gives me hope that you can get to this place, too.
November 13th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Alisa, it’s getting scary now… the first blog entry of yours I read, you explained the wierd way that your husband folds clothes. Just pick the item out of the basket, fold and put in piles regardless of where they go. My husband does the same thing.
Now you mention the fact that you were the sole bread-winner and care giver while your husband “worked” at his own business. My husband has been doing this for most of the 14 years of our marriage. When I met him, he was gainfully employed. My salary covered all of our household expenses, so he went off and started a business that was a money sink-hole. I’ve been laid off. He gave up on that business, bought a big truck and is trying to be a truck driver. I’m working at a school for a fraction of what I was making and am ultimately hoping to become a teacher. In fact all this nervous babbling is due to the fact that I have an interview this afternoon.
I’m way off the topic of this thread and I’m sorry for that. Thanks to this particular thread, I did start to pray for insight into ways that my husband and I show we love each other. (okay, non-believers can replace that p-word with concentrate or whatever) But, I did have some moments where I did start to appreciate him again.
But then it always comes back around to HE IS SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE AND WE ARE LIVING OFF SAVINGS AND….. sigh…. at what point and in what way do I say, c’mon pal, man-up and get a real job?
Alisa, at one point you said that you had to almost get to the brink and feel comfortable with chucking it all and walking away. But right now, I couldn’t afford it. How could I afford a divorce right now? At least with him around the house all the time, I can go to workshops after school, I can go to this interview this afternoon without paying for a babysitter.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:16 am
To set the record striaght, my situation is not as out of balance as Alisa’s was as described here and in her other posts. I, and any observer, would consider my wife to be the primary caregiver.
My problem is that my wife also pursues “hobbies” that are tangentially related to caregiving, e.g. doing hours of research into educational and health issues about our daughters, and then resents that I “fail to support” her in these pursuits by also doing similar research.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Alisa, I started thinking about what you said about the 3 things in a marriage, compassion, assertiveness, and acceptance.
After reading JohnMcG’s last response and just thinking about all of our situations and it clicked. Another piece of all of this is EXPECTATIONS.
Lynn, you have expectations on how your husband will show you he loves you. Obviously, his expections of how he should show this don’t match yours.
John, possibly your wife’s expections on how you show you care are wrapped up in how much you get involved in her “hobbies”. I’m not ragging on you and I see you are really trying to see things from her point of view, but I bet if she saw you describe her efforts as a hobby she would be so hurt. Again, not a statement against you. If anything, I applaud your willingness to try and see it her way.
A lot of times, I think a good marriage is also a function of what each person expects of the other and what each person thinks is expected of them. I know at one point a few years ago, I was working 8am to 6pm (or later some nights). I would come home to my son and husband watching TV and the expectation was that I had to make dinner and clean up. And one night my husband criticized something I did and it just suddenly dawned on me that I would never, ever in a gagillion years fullfill his expectations of a wife. Looking at it this way was very freeing.
What do you guys think? How can you set appropriate expectations? Especially with a spouse who is not interested in talking about touchy-feely stuff?
March 18th, 2010 at 4:51 am
I just want to ask you if you will make more posts like this one, well will you ?:)