Comments on: I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You

By: Han

Han — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:24:07 +0000

Rich: thank you very much for sharing your story and thought process while you were going through a “down” time in your marriage. I admire you for having the persistence of love to endure your feelings for 2 years. I know it must have been extremely challenging and you were rewarded with happiness afterwards. I am sorry to hear about what your wife is now going through but I also believe if you and her hang in there, there will be even more happiness once you both get through it. I think this is a example “making a marriage work”. With my generation, either one or both parties is too often ready to quit without working on it just because they are not happy for the time being. The rewards come later and it is very possible to be even happier once a marriage is battle-tested and survives. Unfortunately, sometimes this is concept is foreign to my generation or it is not adhered it. My wife just left — cruelly and maliciously — after 3 years of marriage because she was “not happy” and wanted to return to being a teeny-bopper that clubs, drinks, smokes, and has causal sex….all at the ripe old age of 31. We lived a happy and warm life until she just snapped one day, no warning and very abrupt. One day, it was “I love you” and 5 days later it was, among other things, “Sign the papers or get the f*%k out of my car!!”. Again Rich I admire you for enduring and hope for the best in this new and challenging time! You will get through it!

By: Rich

Rich — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 09:28:10 +0000

After all this we things between us were better than ever. That lasted for about a year and half. Now she is going through what I believe is the same thing. When she describes how she feels and the things she says sounds identical to me. The sad part is she doesn’t think its the same. We are now sleeping apart and she keeps telling me she wants a divorce but for some reason has yet to file. I’m trying my best to hang in there hoping its the same. The only difference is I held it all in and did a pretty good job with not letting i

By: Rich

Rich — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 09:15:35 +0000

It had a lot to do with me and not her. Even thought throughout all this time I blamed her. I never told her but in my head everything I was going through was somehow her fault. Even things that she had absolutely no control over. If I went to the store and purchased something that was expired, he fault. Hang in there and just ride it out. If you really were in love then don’t quit. Marriages have UPS and downs .

By: Rich

Rich — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 08:33:15 +0000

The same thing happened to me. After about 13 years of marriage I started to get the urge to sleep around. My wife is gorgeous and a great person so I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I started questioning our relationship and after about a year I still felt the same but now wanted nothing to do with her. This lasted for about another year and during this time I really started to think we were just best friends. If she made the move to be intimate I would just because it seemed like the right thing to do and to not create any problems at home, but if it were up to me I would’ve rather have been left alone. It wasn’t easy I wanted a divorce and talked to a friend about moving in with him. I wanted nothing to do with her intimately but didn’t want to lose her either. I wrestled with all of these feelings for over 2 years. I can’t tell you how many days I would tell myself this is the day I have to tell her because I can’t take it anymore. But when push came to shove I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m glad I didn’t because whatever I was going through passed and I realized that I love her more than ever. I still don’t know why this all happened but I do know it was mostly about

By: Tom

Tom — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 01:16:27 +0000

My wife sat me down back in August and said she loves me but she wants to “kill the marriage to save the friendship” (my words, not hers.) Three weeks later we “celebrated” our 10th anniversary. At first I was devastated and an emotional mess (as I was when the other loves of my life bailed -there have been 3- loves , not wives) Then I realized it’s time to grow up and finally assume responsibility for the emotional unavailability I had put her thru. As well as all the others. I started therapy immediately. I came on strong with the flowers and cards and love notes on the bathroom mirror and love notes in her car and purse and refrigerator and laptop…yes…i overdid it. She said my gestures were nice but “they are just words now”.

So I pulled back the reins a bit. I’m working on myself and trying to learn why it is I look after my own needs first before giving of myself to others. She claims its over and that she doesnt really think she was in love with me ever becuz she doesnt feel like she knows what love is.

She wont kick me out. But I’m not leaving. I love her and have invested way too much of my life to just walk away from it. I get very frustrated often and want to bail, but I just can’t bring myself to sit down with our 8 & 11 year old daughters and say “Daddy is leaving”.

For the most part we are civil to each other. Not much fighting. We still respect each other. All the more reason to stay and work on it. We share the same bed but sex has been done for months now. Often times I lie awake at night just yearning for her to hold me. I stopped pursuing and for now have to be content with the quick pecks before leaving for work and going to sleep. I’m going to focus on the slow and steady and hope she finds herself while I look for myself.

After reading all the posts, I must say, my situation could be much worse. Life could always be much worse. That thought gets me thru.

My hopes and prayers to all others who are suffering.

By: ms

ms — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:28:04 +0000

@ Brian: thanks man.

I am just most concerned because my wife is a stuffer and has been that way since i knew her. even with her family, she doesn’t communicate what is going on, just lets it build and then blurts it out. I on the other hand have no problem sitting down and having an adult conversation about real issues.

The other thing that gives me hope is that my wife and i have been through some very trying times early in our relationship/marriage that i would think most couples don’t have to deal with until late in their lives. This one trying time lasted about 1.5 years and it wasn’t a relationship issue, but a health issue that was very traumatic and trying, but we got through it together. that has forged an incredible bond with us and we care deeply for one another on an emotional level which is only adding to the pressure.

keepin the hope!!

By: Brian

Brian — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 14:56:42 +0000

It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of the situation. The first reaction is always to make it right be being more loving but that only makes them feel pressured. It’s the pursuit/distance dance and there has to be a balance in any relationship. And you are also correct that obsessing about it won’t help either. Take care of you and live your life in a positive way and let her figure things out on her own. All the best..

By: ms

ms — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 14:36:52 +0000

crazy but i find myself in the same situation. my wife of 7 years hit me with the i love you, but am not in love with your thing about 8 months ago. we both went to counseling, individually for about 7 sessions and 2 as a couple. my sessions helped me tremendously, not with our relationship, but with finding self.
wife says it isn’t you, it is me and i want you to be happy. she is stressed at work, looking for a new job. we don’t have kids, i want and she isn’t sure about them. just 4 days ago she left and is now back, said she needed space and time.
i think i made a huge mistake when this started: i sent loving e-mails, notes and really sort of forced the love on her and it didn’t work. i think i really am starting to understand that the harder i push, the further she runs. we talked 2 days ago and said that we were going to work on it together and not alone. personally i feel i have to own my mistakes and she has to do the same. i look at it is life is rough at times and we need to focus on what brought us together and just relax – i think daily focus on it will make it end. any help would be appreciate.

By: Brian

Brian — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:19:09 +0000

Carressa, I know it’s is painful for you as well and I’m sorry that you are struggling with this. I wish you and your family all the best.

By: Carressa

Carressa — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 12:45:01 +0000

If that were true, my post would not exist. I hear your own pain and do not have any desire to argue with anyone else about my marraige. I think I am just lookng for some compassion and inspiration.