a.k.a.
“Oh please don’t go
we’ll eat you up—we love you so!”
a.k.a.
My spouse no longer wants to be married to me. I still want to be married. What should I do?
Several readers asked me this question this week. It was a little eerie—getting the same question over and over, from men and from women. It made me wonder whether one really persistent person was sending the same question from multiple email addresses or whether all of the disgruntled spouses decided to walk out on their marriages during the same week.
At any rate, when I get the same question that many times? I figure the universe is sending me this sign: Must. Blog. About. This.
So here we are. Now, before I answer this question, I must state a few disclaimers.
Disclaimer #1: My husband has never threatened to leave me. He’s also never admitted to not being in love with me. Even when I don’t shower for a few days at a time? He still seems to be quite smitten.
Disclaimer #2: I am not a psychologist.
Disclaimer #3: Based on #1 and #2, it’s quite possible that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
What follows is what I imagine I would do if my husband, one day, said, “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m outta here.”
- I would ask if there was anything I could do to change his mind.
- Assuming he said, “No,” then I would say, “Let’s try to make this go as easily as possible on our daughter. Can we agree to do that?”
- Out loud, I would wish him much happiness, even if I really wanted him to come down with flesh-eating disease.
- I would lock myself in small room and I would cry for a very long time. I would say things like, “This isn’t fair” and “That stupid bastard doesn’t know a good thing when he has one” and “wow this hurts more than I ever would have imagined.”
- I would emerge from said room and go through the motions of daily life.
- When I thought I could manage to get the words out of my mouth without becoming a snotty mess, I would tell a very close friend about it.
- I would do a number of things that I find comforting: drink a lot of hot tea, stay in bed under the covers a lot, wear the same fleecy outfit over and over again, and eat really bad food. I’m not saying that these things are constructive and healthy. I’m just being honest. This is what I would probably do.
- After my pits started to really stink and my clothes no longer fit, I would take a shower, blow dry my hair, and say, “That’s enough wallowing. I have a daughter to raise and a life to live.”
- I would buy a new outfit and a new pair of shoes. I would also send myself flowers. I might get a massage.
- I would take care of myself. I would exercise, meditate, read good books, listen to beautiful music, eat healthy food, and surround myself with people who make me laugh.
- I would ask myself, “Where do I go from here?”
- I would make a plan to go there. In other words, I would move on.
I don’t think I would try to win back my husband’s heart. I just don’t. Why? Because I think that would be futile. It’s my firm belief that the more you try to hold onto something, the more that something tries to break free. Stick a bird feeder on your porch and the same bird might come and eat from it every single day. Start chasing that bird around your yard in an attempt to catch it and put it in a cage? It will probably fly away and never come back.
So if you really want to win back your spouse, it’s my firm belief that you have to stop chasing him or her around the yard. Just put out a feeder. Get healthy. Get fit. Take care of yourself emotionally. Find yourself. Chances are that you’ve lost a part of yourself during all of these years of marriage anyway. Who are you? What drives you? Where can you go from here? How can you be happy without your spouse? Who can you become? What can you learn from this?
It’s possible that your spouse is just having one of those midlife crises. It’s possible that your spouse really doesn’t know how good he or she really has it. It’s possible that your spouse just needs some time to think things over. If any or all of those possibilities are really the case? Finding yourself is like putting out that feeder. It will lead your spouse back to you.
And if none of those possibilities are the case? Finding yourself will still lead you to a better place—a place where you can be happy with your spouse in your life or not. Either way, becoming a better, stronger, more independent person is a good thing. It gets you to a better place.
What do you think?
Oh, there’s a surprise free gift for the first person who leaves a comment that 1) correctly states the name of the book that includes the phrase that appears in this post’s second headline 2) describes why I thought that phrase was especially symbolic to this post’s subject matter. I’m not saying whether or not it’s a gift that you would ever truly want. Just saying that there is one, and it can be yours if you guess correctly.
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Hi aLISA,thanks for this wonderful blog,.after i read this,.it really help me to deeply think what would be the best thing that “i can do” with my life,even it’s hard for me to say this,”What will be the best thing i can do,to still save my marriage”.Alisa,when i set back and recall all the things what my husband did to me,with all the painful words,betrayed me,cheat on me,and mauled me,I know he don’t deserve any chances even once,but because of the words “MARRIAGE”,in my case i really don’t know what marriage all about or what it’s all means…Alisa,when he first mauled me and talk a lot of bad things that is very painful for me as a person,specially when he always talk bad things to other people against me like”My Wife is a Little Whore”my wife is like this like that,..etc.and i ask myself can i take this?and i say”I don’t know,and untill when and how long i can take this,.but in other hand,.i told myself,it’s just OK and give it a try and maybe this time little bit harder,but things gets more worst and worst,.because i caught him with his girl they are both NAKED,and this is the most worst thing happen in my life and in our relationship,but I’m a dumb fool because i still forgive him.Even all people around me even my family advice me that,the best things of all i can do is to leave him for good because his a piece of SHIT.But despite of all people said,i still want to believe to what he said”that he loves me”but when i think about all the things he did,.I really hate myself because of still hoping that he did,but with his action right now,treat me so badly,.we don’t have sexual relation,.even it was so shameful and it was really smash in my face what his doing every time i do the moves and he just push me away,.IN all this things that happen to us IN OUR marriage life,.Is it still deserve to go on?because as of now i really don’t know what to do,and i’m really into the point of your blog that,
“Finding yourself will still lead you to a better place—a place where you can be happy with your spouse in your life or not. Either way, becoming a better, stronger, more independent person is a good thing. It gets you to a better place.”
Until now we still leaving together but i’m not sleeping in our bed anymore i’m sleeping next room,and as of now i don’t know what i felt for him anymore.I’m in the stage of asking myself what i want with my life and what is the best for us…i hope reading more your blogs and read other people experience maybe it helps me to fine BEST ANSWER AND SOLUTION.
ONCE AGAIN,THANK YOU AND MORE POWER TO ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU WILL DO IN THE FUTURE.GOD BLESS.
@ lezel. Try asking yourself this. Does he show me he loves me? It is easy for anybody to say the words. It would be easy for me to say I am the king of England. That doesn’t make it so. I tell my beloved daily that I love her. I can’t just say the words though if I don’t DEMONSTRATE love toward her in action & deed. Abuse is not about love it is about control. I was once (& I have NEVER admited this on here) abused by a girlfriend prior to meeting my wonderful wife. She could say it all she wanted but her actions told me otherwise & I got out the first time she became physical. Prior to that it was verbal. I probably heard some of the same things you do.
I worked on myself & realized I deserved much better. I am a good guy with a lot to offer & soon met a wonderful woman. We both demonstrate daily our deep love for each other. Not telling anybody to leave their spouse but abuse almost never gets better. I was also once a cop (VERY MANY YEARS AGO in the military lol). In every case I saw on base it only got worse & once resulted in the wife shooting the husband because he suposedly “looked” at a waitress. Please protect yourself & learn how valuable you as a person are. Best of luck.
Thanks for the advice Mr.Drummer Guy,i really appreciate this..i will work it out asking myself that question.thank you.
Ok i hope i di dnot find this Blog to late.. me and my husband have been separted off and on for about 11 months.. and when i say on and off i mean the living together part..he left in July 09, i lost our house in sep. 09 and moved in with him at his moms for a about 3 weeks. then left again and di dnot come back till Jan, 2010.. i left again in Fed. 2010.. i now have my own place and not needing to stay with him any longer. so on to my story..we have 3 boys 3,6,8yrs….we have been together 10 yrs but married only 5yrs… i am the pretty much the reason why all we did was fight. i never wanted to have sex after our children were born, i never wanted to clean & do laundry, i took advantage of him.. but on the other hand he never romanced me,showed me that he loved me… i have done all the wrong things to try and get him back. i have begged,stalked,harassed, u name it i have prolly done it. i now realize that i am doing the worng things to show him i do love and care for him i now understand what i have done wrong and i am willing to change those things and have started.. i now go to counsling, i clean my house by myself( that is a big improvement..) i am working on losing weight ( so i feel better about myself, he did not care about the weight, and he still says that doe snot matter but it does to me.) he now tells me that he does not want to come home cause he is tired of the fighting and he knows that it will not stop, he says it may change for a month or so but then he thinks our life will go back to the way it was. but i know now that marriage is a give & take thing. i didn’t then. i wanted him to give give give but i would never give to him…so i have decided to back off and just take it one day at a time.. but i am not sure if iam holding on to something that will never work. I LOVE my husband very much and i just wish he would see that i know what i di dwas worng and this was a BIG EYEOPENER for me.. and i have taken the steps to change…
There are some really tough stories here, and easy to see the pain many in this blog community are going through. Ray, George and all the others who are going through this very painful time I can only reinforce what Drummer Guy had to say. In my own case I never even heard the words “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”, all I was told was that all her unhappiness was because of me, she’d felt like this for years, and she didn’t want to discuss it, try to work it out, etc, etc. Now, I’m as imperfect as the next person, and over 21 years together I know I made mistakes, could have and should have done some things differently and so on, but basically believe that I’m essentially a good person and loved her unconditionally. I also had to factor in that she is emotionally immature (it’s like relating to an 18 year old) and has an unrealistic perception of what life and relationships are actually like.
However, I agree that you cannot make the other person stay if they don’t want to, and in fact pressurising them just pushes them away faster. In my case what worked to help me move on was to begin thinking of her as irrelevant – not totally ignoring her, but thinking of it as dealing with a business colleague; be polite but also be firm and protect yourself and your children first and foremost, so if that means freezing assets, seeking custody or whatever then do it. You can have no expectation of rational or reasonable behaviour from the other person, so you need to do what’s best for you and your children. There will be a whole bunch of logistical and financial decisions you need to make and it’s important to be fair but also not disadvantage yourself. Believe me, it’s tough, really tough, but it helped me come out the other side.
Ultimately love is a decision, and many of those people who want to end relationships are confusing lust or infatuation with love. Also, it’s important to accept in yourself that you have no control over another persons thoughts or actions and you can’t make them love you. So, if they choose to go, you will need to come to terms with that for your own sanity and happiness. You can still love them, but you will still need to let them go if they want to.
Interestingly, once I came to terms with it and did the things I’ve described above, even though we are divorced I suspect by her current actions that she may have times where she realises that her decision to break up the family and end our marriage were not some of her better ones.
Good wishes to you all!
Lezel and Amy–I’m glad you both found this blog and the community here. I think you will find that one of the best aspects of being here are the other supportive commenters. Please feel safe, welcome, accepted and loved by us. We’re here for you. Hang in there.
Well stated Bern. Sorry to hear your ex may have found out these things so late. Maybe it could be fixed but that is a decision that is between you & her. I will pray for your happiness & well being. Like Alisa said this is a wonderful place to share your thoughts & get support from what I have learned is a really nice community. I am in a stable marriage & married to a wonderful wife. I am indeed blessed. Not to quote scripture as we have many faiths represented here, but as Solomon said a loving wife is more precious than pearls (paraphrased) The reason I first stated coming here was a google a search on some topic. I forget what it even was now. Senior moment I guess lol. I am always looking for ways to grow and be the best husband I can be for my beloved. Even in a good relationship growth is beneficial. The people here have been wonderful & always provide some great insight. I think now when I don’t get my phea fix I have withdrawls lol
@ lezel. Your very welcome. My best to you as well.
Hey Drummer Guy, Yes, I still read this daily and appreciate the fact that someone has asked. I am still in the fight of my life and recently my wife asked a question that seemed to sum up what I have been telling her for some time. She has always said that her current relationship has no bearing on us, that she would still be doing what she is doing even if she was not involved with someone else. I, of course have told her this is nonsense, that she cannot say that as it is a reality. In an email recently, she asked why she should take a chance on on me again for something that may not work when she has found someone she feels will help her grow as a woman and Mother. I told her that the answer to that was a no brainer…she should take a chance because I am her husband and we have a Daughter that deserves her parents to do everything they can to make a marriage work. I do not want my Daughter growing up thinking when things get tough it’s OK to walk away. Family means everything to me. I am not sure it would work even if she tried but I know deep in my heart who I have become in this terrible time of my life. I have never given up on anything in my life..why should I start now??? I know I am worth the chance and I know our family is worth it too.
Ray so sorry to hear what is going on. I can almost feel the pain that is present. It is even further compounded by a child caught in the middle. Yes your daughter could learn some horrible examples & it could come down to protecting her. I sincerely hope & pray for a good outcome. It seems so often that people act on emotion & impulse when the whole newness/lust thing rears it’s ugly head. However they are acting on a fantasy that can not be sustained long term. It’s terribly impulsive & self centered. Of course everybody thinks they are the exception & it must be true love. They justify it by quoting how they deserve to be happy,oblivious to or not caring about the damage they do & they people hurt. I wrote another post on this page about the whole love vs lust when people meet somebody new & it seems to be so true. Read it & see if it applies. I do hope she will realize it before a family is so hurt by impulsive actions. Otherwise she will be destined to repeat this when the lust wears off & the realities of a mundane real life with the new lust fix set in. My best to you & your family.
10 months ago I filed for divorce from my husband of 23 years. His response? Was ALL the wrong things. He begged, whined, threatened and badgered the life out of me. I moved in with my mom briefly and then got my own apt. I left him keep our house and a lot of property. You see? that was part of the problem. Almost his entire family lives on connected property out in the country. It was like he never got married. His parents and siblings came ahead of me and our two children EVERY SINGLE time hands down. We’d been through counseling on and off throughout the years with little long lasting results. I’m NOT high maintenance in the least, but I never mattered to him. Our children are 22 and 18 and they say when they were little is was always them and I together, dad wasn’t along.
As if this were not bad enough he had an emotional affair at the very least of long duration with a woman he worked with.
He also stopped initiating sex over eight years ago, I was 37
He didn’t stop looking at online porn though.
I’m sorry, I quit. I wasted far too many years in that relationship and the only good thing? I have two great kids.
Since leaving I began an affair with a much older married man. Wrong I know, but the human touch sure is nice again.
@ Fay. Wow your story was exactly like a friend of mine & my beloved. She also had a husband that put a home on the parent’s property & put that family first at the neglect of his own. His mom did everything she could to poisen the whole family against the wife. He was an only son & could have married Mother Teresa & his mom would have called her every name in the book lol. The sad part is she was a wonderful lady a good wife & a good mother to their kids. Sound familier?
He did eventually realize it. Move away from mom & repair everything but it took a couple of years. But they are a happy couple now. I hope you can find happiness in whatever direction you go. You will find this blog a supportive, helpful community. I stumbled on it a couple of months back on a google search on some topic. I don’t even remember what it was. I am in a strong marriage (not perfect but I haven’t seen a perfect one in my life lol) but really find this sight helpful. Welcome & best of luck.
hi mamn, i have met a girl we have been together for 6 mths now. i fell in love with this girl in about 3mth time frame, not sex related. i told her i was falling in love with this lady, her person. but it took some time she would never say i love you consitantly,
and stil doesn’t, but this phrase has come out. can you explain please.
Ok…I have read almost all of these posts and see most have been on the receiving end of “I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You”. I hope to not get bombarded about this, but I am a giver of this phrase. I just recently said this to my husband of nearly 21 years. It took me several months to come clean, so-to-speak, he knew there was something wrong, but couldn’t put his finger on it. It was very hard for me to say this to him. I truly love this man and want, desire, need to find a way to fix the “not in love with you” part of our marriage. I have sent him a link to this page as to encourage him to stick it out with me. I don’t want a divorce, I want to be “IN LOVE” again. I find this blog to be very encouraging and hope to have a happy ending to post…sometime soon. We have 4 children together, 18, 16, 15, & 13. Yes, they know something is up, but we haven’t told them what it is, as we want to work it out before anyone gets hurt.
A question I saw of what does it mean to love, but not to be in love? I feel a love for my husband as if he were a close friend. I just don’t feel the lust, longing, wanting for him as you should with a spouse. It’s really hard to explain.
Thanks for all the posts here.
Michelle–I think Drummer Guy speaks many words of wisdom. Lust is often something we feel for relative strangers. Once you really get to know someone and develop a sense of trust and safety, some of that excitement wears off. That doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy sex, though. It just means that you might not feel swept off your feet. Does that make sense?
Welcome Michelle. No nobody will bombard you
This is a supportive community dedicated to making marriage work. You have taken a big step in addressing your feelings. From my experience what you are feeling is pretty normal. Every marriage goes through such phases. When any relationship starts the feelings are pretty intense. The whole love/lust dynamic is there. After time with raising kids, financial priorities, household duties & just life in general those feelings wain & it should develop into a more mature sustainable long term bond.
It can at times start to feel like we became friends but forgot to be lovers. But I personally think many people mistake that for “I must not be IN LOVE”. But most are they just have a difficult time dealing with the loss of the feelings that were part of the early relationship. With some this can happen in a few years time & with other 15-30 years latter. Also it is just normal for long term relationships & marriage to go through various phases & up’s & downs in the feelings department.
The good news is you have taken an important step in the right direction. Aknowledge their is a problem & take action to resolve it. Perhaps you just need to start doing the things you both did before the kids & life came along. Have date nights without the pressures of kids & home around. You may just need to get reaquanted with your husband & he with his wife. It is easy to loose touch over time & the pressures that is life.
Add to that people change over time. We all do & we can feel like “they aren’t the person I feel in love with”. Many people use that as a mantra to leave. Truth is everybody changes over the years & they really aren’t the man/woman we feel in love with. My beloved is not the same woman I feel in love with nor am I the same man. We just took the view of “I get to fall in love with somebody new every 10 years or so”……lol Over time people should change, grow & mature. Know that you are on the right path & have people here who are loving and supportive. You may want to post a comment on a new topic as many may not see this one since it is an older post. Just click on Blog at the top left of the page & comment on the newest post. That way everybody can see. Welcome & best of luck.
Ron
It’s great to have some new posts on this topic as it’s such a pivotal one to probably most marriages, and welcome Michelle. Thanks for giving the other perspective, as you’re right – most of the posts are from the receiving end. Drummer Guy has summed it up perfectly; all relationships go through 4 distinct stages (attraction, infatuation/lust, power struggle and mature love), and frankly it wouldn’t be normal not to go through these – it’s just part of being human. The kicker is that couples often don’t go through these stages at the same time, or for the same length of time, so what you’re feeling may be different to what your husband is feeling right now.
What I read into your post and what was most encouraging is that you can recognise your feelings, but you have the COMMITMENT to do something about it, and that is the most crucial thing – being committed to your marriage and the desire to find a way through this rocky patch. I was also one of the people on the other end of a marriage where my wife didn’t even want to try (and shows signs from time to time of regretting that, but can’t even be honest enough to acknowledge it to herself, let alone communicate with me about it), so you are at a place where you can make things happen! Remember, your husband is not responsible for your happiness – YOU are (and he is responsible for his), so it’s finding a way to bring back the joy, lust, love, and everything else FOR YOURSELF within the marriage, because there are so many stories in these blogs about people who have discovered too late that the happiness is not to be found ‘out there’, but inside you.
Lastly, there are lots of good books you can read, and some of the other contributors may be able to help with some titles, but a few I’ve read or remember are;
‘Getting the love you want’ – Harville Hendrix
‘Receiving love’ – Harville Hendrix
‘The five love languages’ – sorry, can’t remember
‘Divorce Busting’ – Michelle somebody
Plus a couple of websites – one by a lady called Nancy Wasson and another one by Mort Fertel (they have free newsletters you can subscribe to)
Hope some of this helps and we’re all pulling for you!
Thanks so much for all the support. I took a week, by myself, away from the world, to sort my thoughts, and can’t wait to get home and start living a new life with my husband. This just might not take as long as I thought (falling back in LOVE with my soul-mate…). I will keep you all posted.
That’s GREAT news Michelle. Always great to hear from people working through things & focusing on making a marriage work. Do check in on this wonderful group from time to time. It is such a supportive community. Here you have found a community dedicated to marriage & the joyful journey it can be. What a refreshing thing in today’s world. Alisa has some great insights, advice & her topics are really thought provoking . Enjoy your rediscovery. Hey it sounds like it’s gonna be fun…..LOL
My husband recently told me this…just a couple of days ago, in fact. I knew that there was something wrong for months, but he kept telling me that it was all in my head. Now, he says that he just didn’t want it to be true. He also told me that he doesn’t want a divorce, but he doesn’t know if it’s possible to change how he feels. And simply put, how is feels about me, is not much of anything, anymore. I caught him having intensly sexual text conversations with one of his female friends, and sending romantic texts to his ex. This is my second marriage, and I love this man more than I ever imagined was possible. My whole life, and everything in me, is completely invested in “Us”. He agreed, today, to try to make it work, but doesn’t seem like he holds much hope for us. He is not sexually attracted to me at all, anymore, even though I’ve done everything that I can think of to reclaim his attention. He isn’t sure that he wants me, and our life together, anymore – but he also doesn’t want me to leave. I don’t know what to do…I feel as though my whole world is falling apart. We don’t have any children together, but I have one son from a previous marriage, who lives with his father, but is currently visiting us. So, of course, we’re trying to act as normal as possible for his sake. I know that we can reclaim the connection that we used to share, but only if his heart is completely in it, as well. However, he feels as though he can’t talk to me about things, anymore…and no matter how much I want this to work, I don’t know if there is any hope.
Angel so sorry to hear of your plight. I hope this doesn’t sound to negative but it sounds as though your husband wants the security of being married but none of the respsonsibilities that go with that. He may be deflecting his behavior on you. In other words “I feel like this because you don’t do A, B & C”. If the usual pattern holds true you can do A, B, & C to make him “change his mind” only to find that he will ad D, E & F. The followed by G, H, & I.. It can be a brutal cycle that has no end. He needs to take resposibility for HIS actions.
All we can do as people is be the best person we can be. Yes we should always be the best spouse we can be but we can’t control what the other does or thinks. Only they can change their behaviors. It would be the equivelant of them having an infection & us trying to take an antibiodic to make them well. You may want to have a discussion that puts him on notice that it is up to him to change his behavior. I am not much of one for ultimatums but he would need to know that this behavior is NOT acceptable in any way, shape or form. As long as he thinks that he can continue this & you will continue to stay he has no motivation to change. For him to say he is not sexually attracted to you, isn’t a reflection on you. He may try to make it that but, If he is sending sexy text to another, sending romantic letters to an ex then THAT is the problem. How can one have attraction for his spouse when he is giving that affection & attraction to another? So please don’t beat yourself up over HIS actions.
I do hope this can work out for you. I went through something very similar in my first marriage. She just decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. The more I tried to pull her back in the more distant she became. I think sometimes we can try so hard out of desperation to hold on even tighter in times like these that we end up having the opposite effect. Alisa just put up a great post yesterday on what to do when only one person is trying to make it work. Lots of wisdom there.
This site is all about making marriage work & I do hope & pray that it can be salvaged if possible. But it is also about personal accountability. He will have to except resposibility for HIS actions. Anyway that’s my 2 cents. I am sure Alisa & the many nice people here would have some words of wisdom & may have a better take on it than I. I imagine this is a difficult time & causes much pain. I do wish you the best.
Thank you, Drummer. What you say makes a lot of sense. I am the one who is fully supporting us, financially, while he goes to school. I am also the one who cleans the house, pays the bills, cooks our meals, and, in general, keeps our lives somewhat organized & functioning. I am a good woman. I treat him with love & kindness. I do everything I can to build him up & I have always believed in him & had faith in him. I informed him today that, although he refuses to take responsibility for anything (including his own actions), that if he want our marriage to work, that he needs to start. He has taken me for granted and he quit noticing me at all – and I firmly believe that this helped lead to the way that he is currently feeling. I reminded him – in a calm tone, as a strong, confident woman with no crying or shouting – that he has forgotten how blessed he is to have a woman like me. I have always told him how blessed I feel to have him in my life, but this is the first time I’ve ever had to tell him how blessed HE is, to have me. I let him know that, as much as I love him & want to spend my life with him, I will not put forth all of my effort and while he only tries half-way. If he wants to make this work, and he really wants me to stay, then he will show me that he is as invested in this as I am.
And for the first time, I really ment it.
He is my world, honestly. But, I have had to rebuild my world before, and – no matter how much it will hurt (and believe me, it will) – I CAN do it again.
He is the type of person who needs to think things through, before he can talk about them. He needs to collect his thoughts & figure out how he feels & what he wants. And, now, I’m giving him that time. I just pray that, in that time, he comes to see the light.
Angel – unfortunately you’re in a situation that many, many people have found themselves. When their partner says they are unhappy and it’s because of you, (unless you are doing something really destructive!) generally it is because they are in denial, and they are projecting their own limitations on to you. The key for your own sanity and happiness is to try not to take their words too personally and remind yourself that when they blame you for their unhappiness they are really talking about themselves, but don’t have the courage or honesty to admit it (been in a similar situation to yours myself). You’re doing the right thing to address it though – I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening and simply tried to be a better doormat, and that definitely doesn’t work!
Can’t add much to Drummer Guys advice – I think he is spot on.
To Drummer Guy & Bern:
Thank you both so much for your kind, honest words. I truely appreciate the outside perspective & the encouragement. My husband has told me that he wants us to try to find a way to reclaim the feelings that we used to share (because, not only have his feelings for me faded, but I’ve realized through all of this that, while I’m still in love with him, I really don’t like him as much as I used to). I truely hope & pray that he is being honest about this, and that it’s not just a way to keep me around to take care of him, while he’s finishing school. He’s agreed not to speak to the women that were involved in his recent indiscretions, anymore. (although, he doesn’t really understand why I feel the way that I do about it – he says that it wasn’t cheating, because he didn’t mean the things that he was saying to them. I guess it is one point that we will just have to agree to disagree on; but it does make it harder to forgive him, knowing that he doesn’t see it like it’s as serious a thing as I do.) However, he has lied about so many things – not just now, but throughout our relationship – that trusting him just becomes more & more difficult. I know that, if we’re going to make this work, we have a lot of work ahead of us! I also know that, although he says that he is willing to do whatever we have to, to save our marriage; he acts as though anything that I come up with (I’ve been doing a lot of research) for us to try is pointless. I want to make this work so badly, but I am so conflicted about where he stands! I guess that all I can do is continue to try to improve things & see how things go from there…
Once again, thank you all so much for your support – it is greatly appreciated (especially considering how I can manage to babble, once I get started :-p )
Ok, I’ve been home for 2 days now, and WOW! I have the greatest husband, most understanding and patient, thoughtful, generous, man any woman could ever want. He is waiting for me…he is helping me to get that “in-love” feeling again. I believe that I will be with him forever. It was hard to face him when I told him about what I was feeling, but now we have been talking more, about everything, and both of us are feeling a better connection with each other. I have to say to those on the receiving end…Try, keep hanging on, talk it out, find out what it is that’s missing in your relationship. Marriage is a partnership, and well worth the struggle. Bless those who it stick-it out. I think I love my husband more than I realize…
It’s okay Angel I am the king of babbling
. Anyway so very glad to see the two of you are making an effort. Mistrust can be a major issue but not one that can’t be overcome. It will require some major changes in his behavior. I would wonder how old he is? Only reason I wonder is because as we age things that may have seemed okay early in life really change. My behavior in my 20′s was far different than what it is today. Especially in my early twenties before I married. I was caught up in that whole 80′s era Heavy Metal Rock Scene (Drummer for a few well known artist, Not naming names..lol). I look back now & go MAN was I ever an idiot..lol Best of luck to ya 
Michelle that is AWESOME news. So glad to see somebody dedicated to the wonderful journey marriage can be. So many in your situation just loose the warm fuzzies & leave. Many of those will be destined to jump from one monagomous relationship to another as soon as that happens. I have seen it from several people in life, although usually from much younger folks than us. Marriage is a series of up’s & downs. While the journey can be difficult at times the destination is SO worth it. Anyway glad to see you two are taking the journey together. Enjoy the destination
I have been working extremely hard to learn exactly what Ron has suggested…knowing my own self-worth and working on making MYSELF happy in order to be happy in my relationship. Alisa’s post is right on. You have to put out the feeder and show the other person that you can and will make improvements on yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself and, if you have to, move on.
My husband is not working to make self-improvements. He says he wants to and that he wants to have what we once did. But you have to SHOW someone you love them, not just say it. I have told him a million and one times that actions speak louder than words, but he is just too selfish to be able to give that much.
I recently went through a very long bout of depression during which I stopped taking care of myself, being social, or doing anything besides watch TV. My husband reacted by distancing himself from me and the result is that now we are so far removed from each other, we don’t know each other anymore. That is my fault, but it is his as well. He should’ve helped me when I was crying out for it, but I should not have relied on anyone but me to make me better.
He had it out with me, told me everything I’ve done to make this happen, and for once I saw my faults. I have wholeheartedly taken on the task of correcting my shortcomings. He’s not putting the work in. But the work I’m doing is really paying off. I tried to talk to him last night, but he was immature, inappropriate, defensive and interrupted me many times. I never lost my cool or yelled or cried. I cut the conversation off finally, after asking him several times to be respectful and listen. I am proud of myself – and find myself feeling sorry for him now, because he is so terribly lost.
It is amazing what a little self-exploration can do.
Misty´s last [type] ..Seeing your world through new eyes
I have experienced this. My husband had an emotional affair (no way to prove it wasn’t physical) with a woman he dated years ago. During our marriage I’ve always felt he was not as open as myself but being that he was not taught that growing up I figured that’s why.
So for years I told myself that I needed to be patient with him and show him how to be more expressive by creating an open environment. Well he was very expressive to his mistress. That’s what hurt the worst.
Now I don’t love him other than as the father of our children. We have been married less than 5 years and it has been over a year since he finally admitted to the affair. Of course he says he never slept with her. Who knows really other than them.
I can’t stand his touch, or even for him to look at me. I don’t enjoy his company and I don’t think he is good in bed. The only reason I stay is because my children would be sad and at their ages, I need the help with coordinating schedules. If I could count on him to be “present” in their lives if I left, I’d be gone tomorrow. But I think out of spite he would be unreliable and see them less just to anger me.
The sad part is that we really could have had something great. But I really don’t like him now and if he left today, I would be ecstatic. Sad but totally honest.
Well….I really needed to read all the posts on here. I am going through similar issues with my wife. I really want our marriage to work and I have taken steps to improving on my end. Not so much for my wife though. She’s ready to just throw in the towel. To be honest, I’m tired of being treated nasty and disrespected. My story is very similar to Angel’s. I support my family alone, she’s in school right now getting her degree. I work two jobs and I help out with parenting at home with our son. Even though I work two jobs, I make time to spend at home with my family and I try to schedule dates with my wife but she always has an excuse not to go out. She continues to threaten me that she’s leaving/wanting a separation. I could go on and on…but I won’t. Bottom line is, I need this support community to help me sort out the feelings I have inside. Thank you Drummer and Alisa for pointing out some things I needed to hear.
at Misty…..
I feel your pain my friend.
Welcome DMH. Sorry to hear of your plight. I can sense the heartbreak. I do hope things can get better. In whatever life brings you I wish you well. This is a very supportive community with some GREAT people.
Ron
thanks Ron.
Supportive community is what I need right now. All of the articles that Alisa posts on here have really helped me see things differently and the responses have been golden. Even though I’m going through right now, it feels good to know that I’m not alone and someone is out here offering help.
I just want to be in a happy marriage – growing and learning every day. I understand issues come and go, but it gets rough when your spouse doesn’t realize how well they have it and that there are other people who are much much worse off than us.
DMH – sounds like you’re at a difficult crossroads in your marriage, and I hope you can find a way through it with a positive outcome for you both. Unfortunately you can’t make your wife want to stay, love you, etc – she has to find that within herself. What you CAN do is work on yourself though – get active, get fit, reconnect with friends, grow your relationship with the rest of your family/friends, etc, do things that sustain your morale, happiness and soul. Then you’ll be better placed to face the future, and who knows? your wife may want to join in. If not, then you will be on that path to personal growth and fulfillment either together or apart. Alisa has lots of good blogs on aspects of this subject, and a good place to strat your personal journey of self-diacovery is to read those.
All the best.
I am starting to read your pages and subscribe to them because I think I want to leave my husband. While he is a good friend and is willing to put up with my nonsense, I have never felt a sexual connection with him and can’t stand his family.
After having a miscarriage in April, these and other issues are coming to the forefront. I find myself looking back on past loves and wishing for something different than what I have now. I also realize that I have never really been alone with myself and have misused things to dull out my fears of loneliness.
I am still wavering because I have what other women would want for me or forthemselves. I also see my finances so emeshed in the household expenses that moving out sees out of the question.
What do I do? What do I do?
thanks Bern.
I’m on my way…with or without my wife – sounds strange but, that’s where I am.
@Dizzy…WOW…..tough times. we ALL are battling one way or another.What is your HEART telling you???
2 months! 2 months since I left and came home to my husband…after those awful words I said to him. It’s been a whirl-wind, so-to-speak, we have been dating, talking, getting to know each other again. (Sex has been great too…) If you were to ask back when I said those words, if I would be saying this now, I’d probably tell you that I think I would feel the same about him…not in love. Wrong! I am truly IN-LOVE with him. Do I regret saying it to him, no. I think it has made our marriage stronger. I feel much closer to him than ever before. Thanks for all the support here. It’s a blessing to know there are others who are willing to help a stranger get through a tough situation. May the others pull through as I have.
My husband and I now sleep in seperate beds/rooms. He is even willing to let me use our savings to cheaply rent a room outside of the house. He understands and says he wants me to discover who I am. That is why he was and I hope still is my best friend, despite how I currently feel about our marriage.
Thank you.
My husband just told me ” I love you but I dont know if Im in love with you anymore” about 2 weeks ago. He told me he needed time to clear his mind and think. I have moved out of our home to give him space and time. This Friday will be 3 weeks and feels like 3 years. How much time is “reasonable”. I dont want to pressure him and make him make a decision but Im going crazy not knowing what direction our marriage is going. We have only been together 1 year. The frusterating part is he cant tell me anything I have done to bother him or upset him or cause him to just “fall out of love”….. I guess my main question is , how much time is “reasonable” to be apart? What do I do….how do I protect myself and my heart through all this?
DMH – good luck with your journey, and I wish you all the best. As discussed earlier, you can’t MAKE your spouse do anything – all you can do is be the best role-model you can, look after yourself and let them know that you’d love for them to join you on a journey of discovery about yourselves and your relationship. If they choose to join you that’s fantastic, but if they choose not too then YOU will definitely be in a better place.
Michelle – fantastic news! The journey of discovery you’ve been on sounds like it’s made your marriage stronger, and I trust you both can stay on the right path!
Dizzy – sounds like you have a very understanding husband, and I hope you appreciate that. I don’t want to sound too judgemental, but from your posts it seems to me like you’re holding him responsible for your happiness in many respects, but in reality this could not be further from what the truth is. If you want to know who is responsible, look in the mirror, because the person who is responsible for your happiness is YOU. Miscarriages are a very difficult thing to get over (my former wife and I went through three), but the answer to overcoming these heartaches is WITHIN the marriage, not outside of it. After all, if your feeling bad about your marriage and life and you go outside of that relationship, you still take yourself and all those unresolved issues with you, except you won’t have the love and support of someone who loves you.
Lolag – I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, and the points I made above apply as well, only in reverse. This does sound like the classic case of you are being held responsible for your husbands happiness, and the reality is that you are not responsible for that. Again, if he wants to find the person responsible he needs to look in the mirror. I suggest that you be as helpful, supportive and understanding as you can be, but don’t become a doormat. You also need to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF – so do things that nourish your body and soul; exercise, reconnect with friends, pick up a hobby that you may have let slip away, read some good books. In other words, find yourself again, as that is a much more attractive option to a partner who is going through a period of doubt, and it will build you into a stronger, better, more loving, more satisfied person.
So glad I found this post. I said these words to my spouse earlier this year. Truth is, I wasn’t trying to be hurtful, I wanted to be honest. He asked me- which to me meant he must have been sensing how I felt through my actions. I thought the honesty would open the lines of communication. Instead he was hurt by what I said and we never discussed it.
After he did some things that were hurtful (ie: posting our personal business on fb, talking to my friends about our marriage behind my back, mismanaging the finances) I developed a lack of trust that caused me to disconnect. Now some may think these things aren’t a big deal, but I don’t know any good relationships where the couple openly shares their personal problems on a social networking site.
Add to that the regular struggles of marriage and raising a family-I feel much more secure being disconnected and just focusing on raising our son.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy-he wants to be married etc. but I don’t know if he understand how important trust, loyalty and stability are in a marriage. I have asked God to help me manage my expectations.
I’ve tried several times to communicate how I felt-but all I get in return is how I’m making a big deal of things that couples go through all the time or I don’t know how good I have it and I’m just being unforgiving. So essentially, from his perspective, I don’t know how to be in a good marriage and this is all my fault. He says this marriage is beginning to look just like his first marriage before it ended- but the problem is not him, but the women he married (Me).
Anytime we try to discuss it, we argue and the tension in the house is thick. I’m beginning to feel like the only chance for our marriage is for us to separate to give us both a different perspective.
I’m not looking for sympathy or agreement-I just hope to show that there are always two people in a marriage-and no matter how long the list of offenses one spouse has against the other-both people contribute to the breakdown. Putting all the blame on one spouse because they have “fallen out of love” is dismissive of the history it took to get them to that point. God Bless us all <3
@Jamie….
Sounds like your still hurting and have never forgiven him. Spouses tend to get hurt by their spouses, it’s part of marriage. Not saying its right, but it happens. However, you have to learn to forgive and move on if you expect to love again. Being disconnected in a marriage is very bad. And I’m assuming when you say disconnect, you mean no affection and no relations? If so, that can cause even more trouble in a marriage especially if the two of you aren’t connecting. Do you really want to deal with that kind of strain on the relationship? I think if you really love him, and you said he is a “nice guy”, then you should be able to communicate with one another and work things out. If you think that separating will fix what’s going on, you may miss something in the process. Nice guys have flaws too but to completely disconnect from him sounds a bit harsh.
My wife and I have been married for 5 years and although things are not perfect, we try and work through the problems even if it means dealing with hurt, because at the end of the day I love my wife in spite of her flaws.
You’re in a dangerous area by disconnecting with your spouse. I know this to be true because I experienced this hands on with my wife. The end result, it left the both of us vulnerable and she had an affair. I was devastated but I could only blame myself for not getting things right and reconnecting with my wife. No fun for anyone to deal with. We are still in counseling and I have forgiven her. So, if you want your marriage to end up that way, I strongly urge you to make it right, if you truly love him.
I have said this phrase to my husband a couple times. Not to hurt him, but to try and get through to him how I feel. We have been married 5 years and its been nothing but fighting and arguing all 5 yrs. Within the first year of our marriage I found emails to his ex saying how he wishes it was her he was marring and not me, they were reminiscing about their past, she told him to take our son from us because she will be to old to have his kids when they get together, (when her kids turn 18)…I have heard him on phone saying he didnt want me. This was all within the first year (found out after we were married) I was devastated, we went to counseling but he stopped going because according to him he has no “issues” so all our marital problems are mine and mine alone.
I have major trust issues with him, and he is so ‘private’ that its hard for me to trust again. It seems like his “private” things are secretive things and that is really really hard for me to deal with.
We have gone through a lot in the 5 years of marriage, we lost our 2nd baby (miscarriage), he has lost 3 jobs,we have lost our home our car….I was raised to do what ever it takes to make ends meet for your family. Yet he wouldn’t go get a job. It had to be “the” job. I literally had to threaten to take the kids and leave before he went and got a part time job, I just didn’t get it.
I am a full time nursing student and work every weekend (wiping a**)..for the last year and a half I have been the sole support for our family. This while in school with 4 children.
Needless to say Im burnt, I cant trust, depend, or rely on him…I care for him, I want him to be with his children, but I just don’t feel ” in love” anymore. I feel like roommates that are connected by children. I really want to get out of our bedroom, yet I can’t force myself to do it. I hate that feeling, I want to trust him, I want to LOVE him, I want this to work…but how long do I suffer and put up with it before enough is enough?
The funny thing is, is that I still love my husband after 32 years and I’m still IN love with him too, I just don’t want to have sex with him anymore. I just want us to be more companions with a close bond. Is that so bad?
Thanks!
@lostLove,
I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I can’t imagine being married to somebody where all trust is lost. Normally I like most here advocate trying everything to make a marriage work. But that requires that you have a marriage to begin with. Affairs, emotional or otherwise are still affairs. Not that a marriage can’t survive that but even then it requires remorse from the offending party & a change of behavior. That or one would have to have an open marriage which for 99% of the population just doesn’t work. Wouldn’t work for me either.
Your situation is further compounded by financial irresponsibity & your husbands unwillingness to work. A responsible husband & father works. It is that simple. They can still look for their “dream job” but in the meantime they have to keep an income coming in no matter what it takes. Otherwise he is just living off of your hard work. It would be one thing if he was a full time stay at home dad. Where you had a good enough income coming in to sustain the family. If his focus was on raising the kids, keeping the household, cooking & doing the same role as a stay at home mom. I would however guess that he does little or none of that. Even then in today’s economic reality, most mom’s have to work as well these days just to keep a roof over everybodies head. So unless you have a large income coming in he needs to contribute.
It would seem as if you expected a husband but ended up with an additional child. I am not saying that things couldn’t change & it couldn’t be salvaged. However it would be a BIG uphill battle & change would have to begin NOW. Maybe it is time to put all the cards on the table. Let him know that this is in no way acceptable & that change happens or it is a deal breaker. I would put a timetable on it & if he still does nothing then have an exit stratagy already in place. At this point it has been 5 years & you need to consider the long term effect on the kids. Our children will role model the example set by us. Allowing such behavior to continue says to them that this is the norm & the way you treat a wife.
Losing a home is heartbreaking but could have been prevented by just some responsibility on his part. Usually the threat of losing a home would motivate most men to action. Instead he sat by & did nothing? I know this heartbreak because my beloved & I lost ours. BIG difference was it was caused by her getting sick (terminal), the loss of 60k a year in income when she had to quit working & thousands per month in added medical expenses. When we bought it we BOTH had good paying jobs. I still worked 2 & sometimes 3 jobs to try & prevent it. Even though it was a loosing battle the point is that I did EVERYTHING I could to prevent it. It is what a responsible ma does.
Even though it hurt to loose it my wife loves me all the more after seeing me work 70+ hrs per week trying to care for her. This is in addition to having to take on all the household responsibilites & care for her during 2 rounds of chemo. She knows I did my absolute best & did what a man, a husband & a life PARTNER was supposed to do. I hope I don’t sound to harsh toward your husband. Truth is I don’t live in your home & don’t know all the dynamics present. But it does sound from what you have posted (& we only have one side represented) that he needs a RUDE wake up call…LOL
I wish you both the best
Ron
@Louise.
Are you my ex wife?…LOL…Just kidding
Seriously though the answer is YES. There is a website dedicated to those living in a sexless marriage. I would highly encourage you to check it out & read the heartbreaking stories from both men & women who’s spouses just stop most if not all intimacy. You can easily find it through a google search.
You may also want to look into why you no longer have desire for your husband. Is the cause physical, emotional etc? These matters can be addressed. While it may not be important to you it more than likely is to him. For people with a normal libido they need this validation from their spouse. We can tell our spouses we love them all we want but our words have to be backed up by our actions.
Most people make the mistake of thinking it is just the physical act that is missed. It isn’t. It is the emotional bond, the closeness, the intimacy & the two becoming one that NO OTHER act in marriage can produce. It is the only thing that a person can’t get outside of marriage. They can do any hobby with friends. But they can only make love wit their spouse. What if one spouse decided unilatteraly that they just didn’t feel like going to work what would happen? They would lose their home. While after over 30+ years of marriage I doubt your kids live at home anymore, what if one spouse decided they didn’t want to care for the kids because they didn’t feel like it. The kids would die from neglect. Well if ONE spouse decides that they no longer want to make love then the marriage can die as well.
Anyway please check out the website. Read the stories. Almost 100% of the refused spouses there have completely checked out of the marriage emotionally. They have horrible feelings of neglect & VERY low feelings of self worth. Many have turned to affairs to feel validated. Many have just left after years of rejection. It is certianly your decision to do as you wish but the consiquences could be an emotionally distant & disconnected husband. I do wish you the best. I do wish you the best.
Ron
P.S. If you go there I wouldn’t advise asking this question of the group. They tend to not be so nice to spouses with your feelings…lol But it is a great education on the other side of the issue.
Alisa,
I just saw this article from the link in your most recent post.
Thank you! I am so glad you addressed this common issue. It’s the main phrase those at my forum hear.
One of the things I most appreciated was that though you listed actions you would do, you did not list feelings or emotions with those actions. Your actions were quite accurate to what many do, but the emotions must be experienced for a full and descriptive understanding and you did not create something of which you had no experience. In doing that you did not tell those of us who have or are experiencing that you know what we went through, because you don’t and you respected us by not doing that.
As I was reading your list I was considering my next words to you. I was going to say that the most important step is Self-focus. But you did that too! I was a bit worried when you said “I don’t think I would try to win back my husband’s heart.” I tend to get worried when I hear or see comments like that because they are often followed by comments about giving up, it’s over, divorce is inevitable. But you didn’t do that. Maybe I should have known you wouldn’t, given the topic of your blog, but there are some situations where almost everyone thinks the situation is hopeless—including a lot of “marriage” counselors. Pursuit and Distance is a common pattern in relationships. When one person wants to leave the relationship the other often pursues and the leaver reacts by distancing more.
What I tell people is the things you need to do to save your marriage are the same as the things you need to do if you choose not to save your marriage. It is counterintuitive, but heal yourself because your spouse does not want to come home to or change their mind for a broken person. Heal yourself, choose joy and you will live well regardless of the outcome.
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..Be On Dr Phil
My husband and i have been together 35 years married for 28 of them. About 6 years ago my husband’s dad died and we were also having problems in our marriage because i had developed a drinking problem and was not doing anything to get help. We lost our first child to SIDS and I blamed myself for his death ,no matter what anyone told me it didn’t make any difference in my mind I blamed myself.After his dad died my husband went into a depression. He told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, he was going to walk away from everything. Me, his job, his children everything. I finally convinced him to get help and he started getting counseling and taking meds. In the mean time I was working on my drinking. We went through 15 months of being separated and in they time we talked and continued to see each other and do things as a family. But I was a mess I did all the begging and pleading and crying. Basically everything I could do to drive him away. After 15 months he decided to come home and I still did not have full control over my drinking yet which caused further problems.
About 6 months after he came home I found out he was having about a year long affair with my niece who was like a sister to me growing up and a year younger than myself. I know insert Jerry Springer music here!! He decided to end the affair and I got help for my drinking. I have been sober for about 5 years now. I know I did alot of damage with my drinking and I will have to live with this the rest of my life. I am truly sorry for everything I did to hurt the people I love and all I can do now is be the best person I can be and try to move on. My husband was very remorseful of the affair and did everything he could to make it up to me. He answered all my questions, gave me total transparency ,told me where he was going, called when he was late etc. We moved through this so I thought and things were going fairly well except I now see that I never really fully trusted my husband again and would often be very suspicious of things even when there was no reason to. I couldn’t seem to let go all the way and just relax with him.About 3 weeks ago my husband came to me and said he thought he had to leave, that he thought he may be in love with the other woman, that he had feelings for her for some time and he didn’t know why these feelings were in his head but he had to get himself straightened out. He then told me he was going to the other woman’s house to see if she would take him back. He went there and he spent the night. The next morning he texted me and said he didn’t know he could hurt so bad. Before he left he told me he loved me , he would always love me that I was his best friend and that I always would be. Later that day he called again and I asked him about my niece he said he didn’t know what he felt. He spent another night at her house making a point to me that all he did was sleep? The next morning he told me he didn’t think he needed to be at her house and that he needed to get his head out of his ass and think.He told me he didn’t think she was the answer but in the same sentence if I asked him if he was in love with her he would say I don’t know. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t think he can make me happy and when I tell him he does he doesn’t believe me. He said that with all the things he watched me go through in my life that he felt he could never to enough or anything to help me. That is not the case but I can’t make him believe that.He said he closed himself off emotionally to me because some things were just too painful for him. I can understand that my drinking was so painful for him to watch and I know he felt hopeless and angry thinking that if I loved him enough I would stop. I understand that.But nobody could stop me but me.When I realized he had an affair I feel like I take a great part of the responsibility for it because he felt like I was pushing him away . I have told him this and I have apologize for all the hurt I have caused him I know saying you’re sorry does not take away the pain but in these past five years I have been a better person.When I first asked him if he had been seeing my niece over these past five years he has told me no.If I asked if he has talked with her he told me no. Yesterday I told him I needed complete honesty from him that I needed to know what I was dealing with and he admitted that he has been talking to her on the phone off and on for the last year. When I asked him why or what was going on in our relationship at the time to make him do this he says he doesn’t know. He swears on his children’s heads that he has not seen her in these five years. I don’t know whether to believe him or not.I asked him what this woman was giving her that I couldn’t and he said he could relax around her and that when he hugged her it felt like all his troubles went away and that that is how he wants to feel with me and he doesn’t.He says he wants to feel this with me and he doesn’t know if he can. So here we sit him living in our other house that we are trying to sell and me here with the kids. I am trying to be strong for them but my heart is broken. He tells me he wants to work on the marriage but than he says he needs to find out why these feelings for the other woman are in his head. He says it doen’t make any sense to him and leaving me to go to her would probably be the stupidest thing he ever did.I want to make this marriage work we have been through so much together and usually stuck together to make things work. I told him he needs to make his mind up about what he is doing because he is not going to run back and forth between me and her. I do have some self respect. He says he knows that and is trying to sort things out. In the mean time he calls me a couple times a day to talk and see how me and the kids are doing. He comes over every once in a while and visits. I am trying to stay strong . I have decided not to ask him anymore questions for awhile . I also have to add that prior to him leaving he was getting very concerned with finances and that he has been in a job ,which is a family business on my side, that he hates , he is put down everyday working there and made to feel like he is stupid, I have told him many times to leave and find something else he is a brilliant man and could do anything he wanted to.Anyway it seems whenever he gets too stressed he seems to go into this I love you but I’m not in love with you phase. He even admitted to me that he realizes that he does this but he doesn’t know why . He said he needs to figure this out. He says he needs to move forward . get the house rehabbed and finished that we have been trying to sell and get out from under some of this debt so maybe he can quit his job and look for a new one. I am trying to be patient and listen to him when he talks, trying to validate his feelings etc. I truly want him to be happy. I told him that I don’t think he is happy with himself and until he was he couldn’t be happy with me or anybody else. I don’t know if he is going into depression again , having a mid life crisis or what. I do know he is afraid of spiraling out of control like he did before. I asked him please to try and get some help to talk to someone to help him straighten out his feelings. I don’t know if he will or not. In the mean time I am going to work on me and hope maybe he feels we have something worth saving. My niece is not going to make him happy. She is not the right woman for him .I just am lost
Jeanne, it saddens me to hear your message. After being together for 35 years, all you do to each other is tear each other apart. Instead of growing old gracefully, you guys are tormenting each other to death. I think it is time to just move on and both of you need to find yourselves and love yourselves first before you know how to love one another. What you both need now is live your own life, find time to love yourself first, find God and everything else will fall in place. Whether you will end up with each other or not, only time can tell. Please move on and find peace within yourself….go out have fun with your girl friends, exercise, eat right and love yourself first. No point in fighting to keep the marriage only to end up fighting more!!!
As posted on the Marital struggle blog…Updating my marital struggle… We have separated. We live under the same roof and share everything as we did before. Our kids are so adult-like. They came together to come up with a plan, so as we will all be able to be in the same house. I am so proud of them. They are very understanding with all that’s going on. All they ask is, that we be friends, my husband and I. So far, so good. I have gone out on a date, my husband and I agreed that we will not bring anybody home, and we will tell each other what we are doing. It’s a happy home right now. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do hope that all you others are able to work out your issues and be happy.
I heard these words in Nov. 2010. I truly love my wife with all my heart. I was diagnosed with colon cancer 5 years ago. I realize now I became a little selfish. I also made some stupid decisions, kind of got care-free per say. I have been going to counseling to find myself. I now realize I didnt put forth the right effort. She has turned to another guy. He is telling her all the things she wants to hear. He makes more money than I do. 16 years of marriage to a wonderful person has turned and I am lost. I am finding myself through the counseling and 1 corinthians 13. I can not give up on the wonderful woman I married 16 years ago and won’t. Love is a verb as some have said on here. The actions are what make the feelings. Anyone that has heard these words are definitely slapped in the face. I would say to everyone that says it, it is easier to run from the problems that created it because as humans we think the grass is greener on the other side. Try watering the grass you have and I bet it will turn the deepest green you have ever seen. I hope and pray that my wife will see this and will work on US. God bless everyone.
Ahhhhh…so interesting to read this! I was just told, on February 21, 2011, by my LONG term boyfriend (of 4.5 years) “I love you, Im just not in love with you…and you know what, I just realized this on my way home from work. Im not excited to see you or be here.” Now…let me give you some background…
We dated for about 4 years with about a 5 month span of NO CONTACT from November 2009 through April 2010. I couldnt take the crazymaking any longer…the manipulation, lies, deceit, ect. After we got back together and he said he had been in therapy for 3 months to deal with some of his issues, he agreed to couples counseling with me. He persued me again…like every other time he left (because this is HIS pattern…things get ‘uncomfortable’ or not what he ‘wants’ and he bolts). I told him I was NOT dating him any more. I wanted a family, and a NORMAL, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. I agreed to see him…on the terms that we would ‘do this’ for 9 months and then it was ‘go time”. We were either gonna do it or not…no more dating. Things were GREAT…I even helped him find his birth mother! In November he tells me about some money problems he was having, however, we talk about moving in together. December I ask when hes planning on moving in…he tells me of his money problems again BUT he’s moving in at the end of teh month. He moves in, buys me a dog and we have his 11 year old son every other weekend. My grandma dies January 3 and Im a wreck. LOTS of changes to MY life in a month…needless to say, I have a difficut time adjusting and am less than ‘fun, cute, sexy and nice.” I decide to ‘suck it up’ and get back to me…but in the meantime, hes coming home from work, making snide comments (‘you’re eating olives out of a jar?” “where did you get THAT sweatshirt…ha, ha”). He brings boxes home but leaves them in his car as he was apparently ‘planning on’ moving out after a fight we had mid January.
So, I change my attitude BY CHOICE because I realized it was having an impact on us. Fine…I was struggling. He now starts witholding sex, and this was somethign he ‘wanted’ me to do…come onto him more. I start this and he denies me 4 times in a row. My feelings were hurt. I get sexy pictures taken for him. He responds with “oh, those are nice. You look nice. Why would you think I would want pictures of you?” My feelings are CRUSHED. REMEMBER…WE ARE IN COUNSELING THE ENTIRE TIME STILL…
He comes home and tells me “I love you, Im just not in love with you (see beginning of post). I had a feeling that was coming although, HE PERSUED ME again…HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME AFTER NO CONTACT FOR 5 MONTHS!!! I dont argue with him about this…he starts to pack his things and I help. He tries to leave his coffee pot and is SURPRISED when I tell him to take it…its his, not mine…I dont drink coffee. We argue about his son…and he says to me what I will NEVER forget…
“I dont want to hurt you” I say “what, what are you going to say?” He says “Im not attracted to, interested in or feeling you.”
C..R..U..S..H..E..D..
I ask for my keys back since he will no longer be living there…he acts surprised. “Are you kidding me? How am I gonna get in to get my things?” I say “you aren’t. I will put all your belongings in the hallway and you can prop the door open at the stairs and get them from there.” “You dont live here anymore so you dont get to have keys.” He looks at me with UTTER disdain…total disgust.
Its been almost three weeks and hes ‘threatened’ to shut off the cable. Why its still on, I dont know…the bill is in his name. He can shut it off any time he wishes. He also has a gym membership where I work still.
Im losing my mind…
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