I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You


“Oh please don’t go

we’ll eat you up—we love you so!”


My spouse no longer wants to be married to me. I still want to be married. What should I do?

Several readers asked me this question this week. It was a little eerie—getting the same question over and over, from men and from women. It made me wonder whether one really persistent person was sending the same question from multiple email addresses or whether all of the disgruntled spouses decided to walk out on their marriages during the same week.

At any rate, when I get the same question that many times? I figure the universe is sending me this sign: Must. Blog. About. This.

So here we are. Now, before I answer this question, I must state a few disclaimers.

Disclaimer #1: My husband has never threatened to leave me. He’s also never admitted to not being in love with me. Even when I don’t shower for a few days at a time? He still seems to be quite smitten.

Disclaimer #2: I am not a psychologist.

Disclaimer #3: Based on #1 and #2, it’s quite possible that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

What follows is what I imagine I would do if my husband, one day, said, “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m outta here.”

  1. I would ask if there was anything I could do to change his mind.
  2. Assuming he said, “No,” then I would say, “Let’s try to make this go as easily as possible on our daughter. Can we agree to do that?”
  3. Out loud, I would wish him much happiness, even if I really wanted him to come down with flesh-eating disease.
  4. I would lock myself in small room and I would cry for a very long time. I would say things like, “This isn’t fair” and “That stupid bastard doesn’t know a good thing when he has one” and “wow this hurts more than I ever would have imagined.”
  5. I would emerge from said room and go through the motions of daily life.
  6. When I thought I could manage to get the words out of my mouth without becoming a snotty mess, I would tell a very close friend about it.
  7. I would do a number of things that I find comforting: drink a lot of hot tea, stay in bed under the covers a lot, wear the same fleecy outfit over and over again, and eat really bad food. I’m not saying that these things are constructive and healthy. I’m just being honest. This is what I would probably do.
  8. After my pits started to really stink and my clothes no longer fit, I would take a shower, blow dry my hair, and say, “That’s enough wallowing. I have a daughter to raise and a life to live.”
  9. I would buy a new outfit and a new pair of shoes. I would also send myself flowers. I might get a massage.
  10. I would take care of myself. I would exercise, meditate, read good books, listen to beautiful music, eat healthy food, and surround myself with people who make me laugh.
  11. I would ask myself, “Where do I go from here?”
  12. I would make a plan to go there. In other words, I would move on.

I don’t think I would try to win back my husband’s heart. I just don’t. Why? Because I think that would be futile. It’s my firm belief that the more you try to hold onto something, the more that something tries to break free. Stick a bird feeder on your porch and the same bird might come and eat from it every single day. Start chasing that bird around your yard in an attempt to catch it and put it in a cage? It will probably fly away and never come back.

So if you really want to win back your spouse, it’s my firm belief that you have to stop chasing him or her around the yard. Just put out a feeder. Get healthy. Get fit. Take care of yourself emotionally. Find yourself. Chances are that you’ve lost a part of yourself during all of these years of marriage anyway. Who are you? What drives you? Where can you go from here? How can you be happy without your spouse? Who can you become? What can you learn from this?

It’s possible that your spouse is just having one of those midlife crises. It’s possible that your spouse really doesn’t know how good he or she really has it. It’s possible that your spouse just needs some time to think things over. If any or all of those possibilities are really the case? Finding yourself is like putting out that feeder. It will lead your spouse back to you.

And if none of those possibilities are the case? Finding yourself will still lead you to a better place—a place where you can be happy with your spouse in your life or not. Either way, becoming a better, stronger, more independent person is a good thing. It gets you to a better place.

What do you think?


396 comments… add one

  • kk August 15, 2013, 7:05 am

    my own questions on intimacy
    I guess I should give some background here….
    I met my husband and was instantly comfortable with him, We have and had a special bond; still do. definitely here to help one another progress. I cannot say that I was ever super attracted to him physically but mentally I certainly was. The sex was good, and I never foresaw any problems there. Well, it all hit me like a ton of bricks and suddenly I had no sexual interest in him at all. We were on vacation in Hawaii and he was complaining about so much,and I was losing my patience with him and could not believe so much of the negative patterns with which I had been anchored to for so long, and suddenly I just wanted out..like my hope for him to change (never a solid base for a marriage…always thinking..oh it will get better) just vanished and I didn’t even care. Four months later, I moved to Hawaii with my son NOT on the basis of separation, but on the basis of I just cannot deal with you anymore..I’m out of here, and two months later he followed me. We lived there in tumult and chaos ( I never pursued divorce, just stopped trying to get him to evolve as I had been spending so much of my life carrying his emotional state of mind, taking it on, and trying to get him to see a different perspective, He slowly began to see the patterns of passive aggression, guilt tripping, outright hostility, and woe is me moody patterns of self indulgence (victim hood).
    I stayed in the relationship, and did counseling; I have given him lots of space to evolve with me and undo with me some of this obvious unhealthy interaction that we had. This is where prayer was and is crucial. Once forgiveness began to dawn in my heart and I was no longer angry at him for being or “not being” what I desired..real change began.
    SO here i am now, and I have indeed learned a lot. We can talk again without huge blowups; Learning the NVC was critical, really taught us personal responsibility for all of our behaviors and emotional states of mind. My son is reaping the benefits of watching us learn to solve our tensions and evolve past them. Yet, my son never sees us intimate, and this is breaking my heart. I am sad that he is growing up without a firsthand experience of a loving intimate set of parents. He is seeing a set of people who make a pretty good team (for all the negatives I stated, there are double the positives), but that one of them is yearning for the other to see them in this different light

    It feels like, the more I TRY to feel a certain way, the less it is there. I cannot force it; this is what I am learning. I do not know how that translates, but it is a truth. Maybe I see my husband as more of a child, and not so much as someone who inspires me, and I want to be inspired by my partner. I want to see them evolving and gaining new insights on their own and rebound off of one another. I crave a connection founded in two people who share a common goal of self evolving and self exploring, always choosing the higher path even when triggered, and coming back to that higher path. I am tired of being the one who does this for both myself and my partner. My controlling nature still feels that if he just becomes this…then I will be attracted. I just don’t think the heart works that way though.

    I love him for who he is and always will be bonded to him in very deep ways, and yet intimacy is this whole other world. Friendship with him feels wonderful, but intimacy doesn’t.
    Are there any thoughts out there on ways to deepen intimacy when the solid root of love, respect, and connection are already established, yet the lack of higher connection is there. Any great resources? How does one rekindle a flame, even if that flame was never raging, is there any way of getting even that small flame back?

    • r.dunn November 19, 2014, 10:28 pm

      Im a 47 year old man that was married at barely 18 the first time. Never knew spoke or had anything to do with my real father, I had a loving caring mother that did what we all do for our children what we think is best and just like any human we all want love and affection when you see it later in life and you finally accept the truth that it has made you who you are its a weight off your shoulders and you finally stop being angry and blaming weither it be true or not once your an adult its time to grownup, its easy to say but a whole other issue doing it. We all have baggage not very many of us get to grownup in a house that’s all loving and you get and see all the right things to make you into a good person husband wife mother father, up until I was about 6 years old my mother was everything to me she was always affectionate and loving and she was my world, worked two jobs and I remember being super affectionate with her as well, that was the year she married what would become my adoptive father and in my youth he was the meanest man I had ever been around, he had been married twice before my mother and he had custody of his son that was a few years older. In realizing in your older age that we all have difficult shoes to walk in and baggage that can and does make us who or what we become he had 12 brothers and had a very rough life had to fight for everything he ever got, he was not all bad he did have a good heart he took care of me and my mother and he was married to my mother for 40 years before he past away. In his upbringing there was no being loving and affectionate with boys even at 6 years old he was a whole different man toward girls though, I know now that was when I started to change become hard my step brother and I were always told tobe a man not a sissy, I didn’t show or even feel affection or love for that matter, I just became mean angry and closed off. Women understand affection and love and tenderness, we learn to love if a woman can be patient with us once we face our demons and stop running from them and accept and admit that we have that capability within our souls, if a man can find a really great strong woman it isn’t that she can change who he is and I think alot of women can’t do that they have been programed from a small girl to dream and imagine what her prince charming is going tobe like and if she find someone that’s pretty close she thinks she will be able to mold him into exactly what she dreamed of but more times than not in todays society and with the way we are all told by culture and movies books magazines music its everywhere there’s this fairytale mentality and when it doesn’t or when he doesn’t change to fit her needs she automatically thinks she isn’t in love with him anymore, in this question I hear how kk is saying how her husband didn’t do this or that or change how there was so many things he just wasn’t getting or doing to suit and fit her mold exactly, im telling you from first hand experience a man needs intimacy more than anything to feel loved and when I read kk saying that her attraction on an intimate level was never out of this world just ok there’s something that tells me she has some demons baggage that she hasn’t and isn’t dealing with of her own, the thing I’ve realized about woman over the last 15 years that I’ve been with my new wife is they are human they are deeply emotional and most would rather hold things inside rather than ask tell to keep from hurting your spouses feelings or having any kind of conflict, I call it constructive denial when you say nothing and tell yourself it will get better I love him he’s a good man I do want tobe with him, you kid yourself into feeling if I say something I will destroy him but what happens is you end up destroying yourself and him anyways because that constructive denial becomes destructive denial, I was married for 13 years im no saint im human I’ve made many many mistakes I’ve never cheated I’ve never wanted any other woman I’ve never loved any woman like I love my wife, my wife is the most beautiful hot desirable woman that I could dream of having and of the 5 languages of love intimacy is the way I feel and give my love the very most it is the measuring stick so to speak of all the others im not saying its everything or the only thing, its that men don’t have the built in radar or knowledge that women have something else at the top of there list. I’ve read enough of these post like this and books to know there really should be training a law that all couples go through before getting a marriage license. You fall in love and there’s all these hormones flowing you can’t imagine ever not loving or wanting tobe with this person and then the reality of life sets in the hormones start to fade and now you can’t even see why you were attracted to them in the first place. What im seeing through and with something like 78% of all divorces filed its women that fall out of love, god put ocytocin and vasaprocin hormones in men and women for a reason and I see that kk was talking about praying alot the bible gives instructions to men and women for a very good reason he says you should only stop being intimate if you both agree for a short time to pray and fast and then come back together so it doesn’t give the devil a foothold, if you love this man truly love this man you can’t be happy with ok I guarantee you he would do anything for you to feel it is fantastic you want to feel that bond that intimacy again in a powerful way you have to open yourself your mind and your body to experience it, it takes only 4 months to lose all traces of the bonding passion hormone and as little as three weeks to get it back that is what is missing in your minds ovaries and testicals, not just the act not sex it has to come from your soul you have to feel and want to feel, it is the most painful thing in the world tobe in love with your wife or husband for that matter and want them need them desire them just as much or more than when you met and they don’t want anything to do with you in that way and tell you they don’t love you anymore, so I would have you ask yourself why does he seem to complain and get angry or want to argue. It crushes your manhood your worth of any kind and you still can’t help but love them and keep hope and prayer alive, at some point he will have to move on and if that happens what I see is history repeats itself with woman who give up because your going tobe in the same mind set you’ll relive again you found the one until you find he’s a man just like the one you gaveup on and the new one isn’t the father of your children and may not love you even close to the way your ex did and you end up trying harder or putting up with more jus5 not tobe proven wrong

    • israel December 1, 2014, 4:35 pm

      It is very simple , you just set the mood write him some pillow talk . in a letter explain to him how you want him to make love to you with floor play making you want him. explain what you want to happend . Its your passion.

    • YW December 2, 2014, 3:44 am

      KK – Where do you live in Hawaii? I’m in Hawaii as well and it would be nice to link up with some one who has similar problems. We can be a positive support system for each other. I look forward to hearig from you… Mahalo!

    • Crystal June 18, 2015, 12:51 pm

      Wow you sound exactly like me. I’ve been married a little over 2 and a half years but have been with my husband for more than ten. He is a great guy but our relationship is very similar to yours. We have a great bond and a great friendship but there is no intimacy at all. It never was there much to begin with but it pretty much died after we got married. If you ever found any solutions please let me know as I know this post was from a while ago.

    • phen August 14, 2015, 11:48 am

      You say you have a deep connection with your partner but then say….“I want to see them evolving and gaining new insights on their own and rebound off of one another. I crave a connection founded in two people who share a common goal of self evolving and self exploring, always choosing the higher path even when triggered, and coming back to that higher path”.

      Despite this rather fuzzy concept, you realise you are setting him up for a fall… giving him a ‘test’ he can never pass? He is ‘evolving’ most humans do in stressful situations, it’s just not in the way you ‘want’. He is learning lots of things I suspect, it’s just not the things you claim to want – you want more… whatever that may be (I wonder if you even know what that is?). He has ‘evolved’, just away from you. He will soon understand you no longer want him romantically and he will evolve with that and away from his desire for you also.

      “If he just becomes this”… “given him space to evolve with me”…. these statements say a lot. Have you evolved with him? Are you what he wants?

      If you are not attracted to him, you cannot force yourself to be. You need to understand why YOU are not attracted to him rather than feel it’s something to do with him, it’s not his fault if it was never really there to begin with. Why do you not fancy him? Is it because life/house/family got in the way and it just fizzled out as it took a lower priority? If that’s the case, it happens all the time and can be worked on. If there are emotional issues that will destroy intimacy. If you’ve never been sexually attracted to him, that’s a different problem altogether.

      To me it’s not a case of him not being ‘right’, it seems more a case of you not knowing what you really want, and not being able to let him go. If you want to work on it, you should figure out what excites intimately and what you want sexually. Real tangible things, not fuzzy concepts.

      But I wonder if the problem is you just do not accept who he is, and never really have. Your projection of him started to fail, you lost the intimacy your projection was based on.

      Like me, you seem like a lady in control, so I can appreciate the dynamic. I have a wonderful man who goes out of his way to make me happy and I am very clear in understanding what I want. BUT, I have occasionally in the past fallen into the trap of giving a loving man who would do anything for me unobtainable ideals. It was having a negative effect on him because he couldn’t keep up and was becoming exhausted and depressed with himself because of it. It was my own lack of clarity and past issues that caused this. It was my own fault as I had the control been didn’t fully understand the responsibility. This no longer happens and was a bumpy road for a few months in the beginning.

      For a lot of people, with love and affection, intimacy follows. Get back to basics and get grounded….

      Do you have a good and loving man that puts your needs first most of the time?
      Do you as a partner love him and want to put his needs first most of the time also?
      Do you share life goals?
      Do you laugh together?

      Get back to basics and connect as you did (or perhaps did not) before. See him for the man as he really his – not some potential ‘change’. See the good and see he is NOT your project that you need to take charge of – you cannot make him into something and you cannot fix him. He is a man with faults. You are a women with faults. You wanting to fix him and relegating him to ‘pet project’ status… no wonder you don’t fancy him if that’s what you think of him.

      Look at him and the love he has for you. Really look at him. You will only get the intimacy back when you stop seeing him as ‘child’ or ‘project’.

      Look at him. Accept him for what he is. Look at the love he has for you. Look at his passion for you. Open your eyes and look at HIM, not at his potential for change.

      It may be a case that if you do that you still won’t want to be intimate with him. But get back to basics first and start from the start. Take the glasses off and see him and his love for what it is first.
      phen´s last blog post ..walking

    • rebecca ford April 26, 2016, 9:47 am

      Never say never and always have faith and an open heart the impossible can happen but dont lose urself trying to obtain it…..

  • YW August 15, 2013, 1:56 pm


    It was so strange reading your post because I felt like I was reading about my own marriage. I am in serious danger zone with my marriage. We have a great family life, but no marriage. The hugs are strained, no more kisses, have not had sex in over a year, and my boys do not see their mum and dad intimate in any way. They have commented on this actually. The confusing thing is that our family dynamic is amazing. We provide a wonderful life in Hawaii for our boys, but outside of the boys there isn’t anything. I am interested to know how things have turned out for you and what you did differently. I need serious help, but my husband will not go to counseling. He claims he does not believe in it… I am eager to hear from you…Thanks!

  • Dr. Frank Gunzburg August 18, 2013, 12:28 pm

    In my experience, the love between a married couple rarely disappears. Instead, that in-love feeling is just hiding – hiding behind various negative feelings, such as anger, resentment, abandonment, loneliness, and neglect.

    Those in-love feelings can be found again, by bringing back the romance and passion.
    I would also suggest working through the resentful feelings, either by using a self-help program or by attending marriage counseling with a marriage-friendly therapist. Working past the resentment will really help you to open up those old, hidden feelings of love again.

  • Nancy August 18, 2013, 12:49 pm

    Dr. Gunzburg,

    I completely agree with what you’re saying, however what if a husband just flat out refuses counseling, and instead continues to want to harbor negative thoughts and feelings? What if his commitment level is just on the same level as mine? What if his ONLY interest is in reading the Bible? Our marriage has always been last. While I’ve continued to try and make us work, I simply can’t do it alone. He has to want it as well. And well, he just doesn’t. And romance and passion? What if that is something he only reserves for girlfriends? I’ve been married to him for nearly 3 years, and not once has he taken me out on a date, wined and dined me, etc.? However, while we were separated, he put all of his energy into a woman that he knew for only 2 months.

    What does a wife do in situations such as these?

    Thank You!

  • Stormdrain August 19, 2013, 2:36 am

    I would like to apologize for my remarks earlier on, I was carried away by frustration. Let me explain beyond what I had already mentioned in an earlier post and taking into account recent conversations I have had with my spouse.

    My wife and I have had intimacy issues since almost the beginning. She has a self-confessed thing for cliché macho types and when we met, she thought I was like that, an uncomplicated alpha male. Unfortunately,what she got was not what she had expected, even though I had given her fair warning.
    Because, whereas I am dominant male with clear masculine traits, I am also what some would describe as “intellectually gifted” and suffer from severe chronic pain, a combination which tends to lend a rather bleak and cynical outlook on life. I also happen to be a sweet and caring person when I am in a relationship and because I do not take part in power struggles with those I love, the alpha traits I may display elsewhere are less prevalent in interaction with my significant other.
    Upon realizing this, her attraction to me waned quickly, even as her love grew. She could not quite appreciate the fact that being a doting husband, does not exclude my dominance in our interactions.

    She has recently admitted that even though she can confirm all this rationally, she can not help the way her body reacts. She says that the bottom line, unfortunately, is that I haven’t been enough of an a****** to turn her on and that because she has the image in her head of me as a sweet guy, she simply can’t be aroused and therefore can not enjoy sex with me.

    • Stacey Snow November 9, 2015, 6:19 pm

      Hey there! I’m casting a marriage show and you might be perfect for it … Seven Year Switch on FYI

  • Alan Caulley January 27, 2014, 2:05 am

    Well my wife and i are going through some really bad times I love my wife with all my heart and i dont know what to do because she dont feel the same way about me anymore and i want to be with my wife and plus we have two wounderful boys at the age of 5 and 7 and she dont like or love haveing sex with me anymore and she said she needs time alone time so she can figureout why she feels this way about me and why she dont love or like having sex with me anymore and i just want help and need help on my marriage because shes the only one i love and want to be with i love her with all my heart and she dont feel the same about me anymore and it kills me and hurts me really bad

  • Alan Caulley January 27, 2014, 2:07 am

    Well my wife and i are going through some really bad times I love my wife with all my heart and i dont know what to do because she dont feel the same way about me anymore and i want to be with my wife and plus we have two wounderful boys at the age of 5 and 7 and she dont like or love haveing sex with me anymore and she said she needs time alone time so she can figureout why she feels this way about me and why she dont love or like having sex with me anymore and i just want help and need help on my marriage because shes the only one i love and want to be with i love her with all my heart and she dont feel the same about me anymore and it kills me and hurts me really bad please help me im crying out for help because i really love my wife with all my heart and dont want to lose her and pray and hope she gets her love back and feels her love for once again

  • Alan Caulley January 27, 2014, 2:10 am

    Well my wife and i are going through some really bad times I love my wife with all my heart and i dont know what to do because she dont feel the same way about me anymore and i want to be with my wife and plus we have two wounderful boys at the age of 5 and 7 and she dont like or love haveing sex with me anymore and she said she needs time alone time so she can figureout why she feels this way about me and why she dont love or like having sex with me anymore and i just want help and need help on my marriage because shes the only one i love and want to be with i love her with all my heart and she dont feel the same about me anymore and it kills me and hurts me really bad please help me im crying out for help because i really love my wife with all my heart and dont want to lose her and pray and hope she gets her love back and feels her love for me once again

  • RW April 26, 2014, 1:27 pm

    Alan, I’m sorry you are going through this.

  • BC May 20, 2014, 8:02 am

    My wife and I have always had a difficult relationship, going back to when we met in 2000. We have been married for almost 8 years, have 2 children aged 5 and7, but 2 weeks ago she said she didn’t know if she loved me anymore.
    I have come to many realizations since then – I am and have always been very insecure due to a tumultuous upbringing. I also have anger issues. These seem to combine into a neediness that, through reading other posts, make me an unattractive partner to my wife.
    I contribute a lot to the marriage – cook, clean, keep the books, pay the bills, do laundry, etc. I now believe that I did these things in order for my wife to “owe me” the love and gratification that I lacked and craved.
    A few weeks ago i discovered that while she said she was working, she was, in fact, not. I did not press, but offered several occasions for her to come clean, but she never took the opportunity. Finally, after 8 days of deceit, I flat-out confronted her and told her that I knew. She shrugged it off as if it was no big deal, but it certainly was to me. I harbored ill feelings for another week before we had quite the blow up. It ended with her leaving the house (the kids already were not there, thank God) and taking the dog with her.
    Things have been tense since then, but the normal circumstances of life kept things on the back burner – we had birthday parties, family get-togethers, etc. and we tried to put up a facade of normalcy. This all ended when I found out that she and her sister had consulted an attorney. When I asked if she was thinking of leaving, she replied that she was merely “researching” divorce.
    I am devastated. I have loved this woman through thick and thin since the day we met. I suffered through her other relationships the times that we broke up before marriage and always held that flame for her. I cannot imagine living without her in my everyday life – as my spouse, not as an acquaintance.
    She doesn’t seem to know what to do, she thinks the grass may be greener on the other side, but I don’t think she grasps the reality of divorce. I lived through my parents’ and so I know what damage will be done. I will do anything to win her back.
    In reading numerous other posts, I am learning not to pursue her, to push her away, to make her decision any easier. I am trying to be upbeat, to go about normal life with as much positivity as possible. This is quite difficult as I am drowning on the inside, I feel adrift and am haunted by the worst possible scenario and how I might react.
    We have had counseling, but things seemed to be going so well that we stopped going. I have since booked another appointment for next Friday – whether she goes with me or if I end up going by myself.
    I need help with the day-to-day functioning. I need help to not let this affect the children. I need help to make her realize that I am still the man that she supposedly fell in love with and with whom she exchanged vows.
    I need help.

    • BC May 20, 2014, 8:19 am

      I have to note – the “blow-up” was almost entirely one-sided. I was so upset at having been deceived and it being regarded so lightly that I went off the deep end. We usually have one of these knock-down, drag ‘em out arguments once a year, before counseling it was more often than that. Often I would verbally goad her until she would get physical – I have had to come to work on more than one occasion with a visible injury.
      In this instance, however, I instigated the physicality and she fought back. I don’t blame her for leaving, I was afraid of what I might do myself. I know that I need to get to the bottom of this issue and eradicate such actions from my life.
      I do not wish to appear blameless in this. The majority of this issue is my doing. That is much of why I have been sleeping on the fold out couch…

    • ruler December 5, 2014, 8:30 am

      I know where you coming from..but you have to understand her she thinks divorce is a proud thing to do she can’t understand the effects.Did she divorced you.???..don’t waste time in her./// concentrate in carrier think and try to get on your life..you deserve more than that…date women marry the women who loves you back and who understands you completely. Just imagine your life with someone who loves you heartfully you can’t even remember your past life..trust me I been in your situation if you pass these situation you don’t have to look back…but it just take sometime..you can mail me abouth your present situation. Sabari.nadth38gmail.com

      • M Ali April 1, 2015, 5:27 am

        Hi Ruler
        how did you pass that time .. i have been in this circle of depression and asking her back for the last 12 month and she only says i dont wanna be with you … we have 4 kids the oldest is 9 .. she still meet me after work shopping for the kids but she dont wanna even hug me kiss me or accept the word i love you from me .. and she still delaying the legal divorce and she im so desperate and i love her so much and i love my kids to grow between us but she is saying im pushy pushy and she will never come back

  • r.dunn May 22, 2014, 7:00 pm

    I feel for all the men and women out there that are in love with there partners and there to selfish or blind to see there problems are in loving themselves but more often than not they end up hurting or destroying not only there own lives but the lier es of the people /families they claim to love before they figure this out for themselves its to late and they’ve done unrepairable damage to a relationship that might have only been bent or wrinkled, what I have come to realize is there is alot of help book blogs and unscrupulous people out there that pray on hurt vulnerable people and women more then men, looking for ways to bring my wifes love and passion back to me I find alot of books on ways to get inside of womens minds to play on there insecurities the right things to say the right way to say them making them feel special important and beautiful and doing it in a no threatening no

  • SBetter August 9, 2014, 11:04 pm

    So… I’m in a similar situation. A quick rundown: in college (about 18 or so years ago) I was stupid. Partied, etc., and got hung up with charges for drugs. I went through counseling, and at about the point I was finishing this (it was around a 2 year affair up to that point… with relapses, back into rehab, etc) I met my now wife of 13 years. I was honest about what was going on atm in my life, but for the most part at that time there were relatively long stretches of stability, and then, BAM, relapse. I was on probation, so ofc this meant that I went to jail a few times (I am embarrassed to admit… but, that is what happens when you do the things I did).

    Ofc, throughout the time even before we met, I did WANT to get cleaned up. At no time did I ever actually enjoy the negative things, partying, etc. In hindsight, I was dealing with a lot of issues. Long story short, after about a year and a half of some relapses, getting locked up, etc. (around 2004ish) I finally seemed to have worked through the things that were driving my addictions. I’ve been clean ever since, no AA or NA, its just literally stopped being an issue.

    So, it was because, amongst natural readiness and actually moving forward with divorce early on, something in my wife wanted to believe in me and hang on a little longer, she did. AND, there have not been problems of that nature ever since. Life has obviously been an interesting ride of ups and downs, but we’ve stuck together, love each other’s company, until recently have always kept respectful rules about arguments when they would come, etc. Basically, what I’m saying is, there seem to be a TON of positives between us. A strong connection, affection, etc. She has always been the person who was less openly affectionate, but that always came off as a matter of the way her family was growing up. She certainly did plenty in other ways to keep me securely feeling that she loved me.

    So now, we are at this point: She admits that, several years ago, she stopped feeling attracted to me. Despite wanting to trust me, that she can’t, etc. It all definitely seems to stem back to those early traumatic episodes in our marriage, which we never appropriately sought counseling or help for. We just kinda pushed through, but clearly many resentments built up.

    I don’t know what I’m asking here…. what even the point of writing this is. I guess maybe if nothing else just to express great distress. She has described the situation like this: “You have a dad maybe, who is physically abusive to a child… He gets help, it stops being a problem, but even though you see that your dad is a good, stable, loving, caring person that no longer has the issues that caused you hurt, you simply can’t remove those feelings from the equation”.

    I really wish we had sought counseling for this long, long ago. Communication over some issues is great with us… with others, especially emotional issues with her, it is very difficult. She never seemed to learn how to. But, even though several months ago she moved to Seattle (from Salt Lake City) to “nanny” for my brother in law for the summer while their normal nanny was home on summer school break, she HAS agreed to try counseling when she comes to visit for a week in August. The original plan was that she would be coming HOME in August, but as she’s been up in Washington, she has fallen in love with it… tbh I’d been trying to get us to move there for ages. Anyhow, that has changed to her brother offering to let her stay until Thanksgiving to see if she can find actual employment, get a car, apartment, etc. so she can literally just leave everything here behind. I must add, she has a wonderful, active social circle here, many friends, unfinished schooling… A lot of reasons to come home balanced against her reasoning that “well I’m already in Redmond now, it is so much easier for me to seek work when I am here and can interview, etc. rather than try to do so from Salt Lake…” Which is, ofc, correct.

    Sigh, clearly, there is so much more to this all. Details like the fact that, while highly intelligent, having a criminal record has made it massively difficult to obtain stable, gainful employment… which has meant she has had to tow the line a few times when I was laid off at a small company willing to hire me. Living in her brother’s house who works at Microsoft and makes 400k a year or so obviously slaps her in the face every day with the humble, cheap apartment we live in in Salt Lake City. I honestly can’t BLAME her for wanting to escape. I would do so as well. BUT, the attachment between us remains. She feels smothered by the way we have to live, but still says she loves me… not in the way she wants to love a husband, but she finally seems to be open to the possibility that she COULD, with some work and counseling.

    I guess… the moral of the story is, life happens. Love those you love, try to do the best you can in all that you do, but above all, don’t wait to seek professional help. But is so sad is, nearly every complaint she has are so common, and apparently treatable with willingness, as to be almost cliché. In the meantime, I try to do what I can to let my heart let go, but it won’t. That is why I am here. I believe the marriage IS saveable, but I’ve kinda given up on it and gone into self preservation mode… Focus on my happiness and stability. It doesn’t seem to be working. Day in, day out, I obsess about it, lol.

    I really don’t even want to post this, but I will… because I really need to just get another story I’m sure someone can relate to out there so they don’t feel alone.

  • Chris March 12, 2015, 1:35 am

    My wife was brutally honest one day when she said she wasn’t in love with me and wasn’t even attracted to me anymore. I get this feeling now every time she goes to work or leaves the house that she is going to see someone else. It’s a horrible feeling of insecurity.
    I’ve tried many things to rekindle our love and nothing seems to be the answer I’m looking for. I’ve sent flowers to her workplace I’ve bought her diamonds. Told her sweet things to be romantic. She watches these romance reality shows and is the most unromantic person I know.
    I don’t know what to do anymore !! She won’t kiss me with any kind of feeling and the hugs feel like nothing too. We don’t ever cuddle and I really love her it’s tearing me up inside. I just want her to be happy. Which she never seems to be when I’m around. I know it sounds bad me whining like this but. We’ve been together 21 years and married 15 this May long weekend. I’ve been so close to walking away and going solo but can’t. I love her too much and just want to make this work. Someone tell me something before it’s too late and we both just go our separate ways!

    • dunngee March 25, 2015, 11:27 am

      Chris I feel for you I’ve had the exact same thing happen to me 3 plus years ago out of the blue. If she is acting like a totally different person being secretive keeping her phone locked or just doing anything that not normal for her beware. I’ve been married and together almost 20 years I had this belief that may wife was this innocent angel and I’m telling all that time I only seen a women with high moral standards would get angry with me if I used by language was always one to tell me you need to follow the rules be kind don’t lie don’t steal cheat. She is the most commasionate caring loving person I ever met. The type that actually feels the pain of others. But I tell you want anyone is capable of bad things no matter how good you want to convince yourself they could never do something. And believe me if you set back and do nothing give her space as they call it. But what ends up happening because they aren’t thinking or feeling with a clear head they do something that they regret and in some cases make it were even if they figure out they were in some kind of midlife crisis it’s impossible to trust them again. I know I probably did things wrong once she told me this but my brain was telling me one thing and my heart wound believe it. Once this happened to me I’ve been reading everything I can find getting books blogs websites and I’ve got a better understanding of the things I did wrong the problem is she doesn’t want to understand or read anything herself to see the areas were our love languages clash. I totally get what you saying everytime she walks out the door does she get upset if you show up at her work have you seen any weird text on her phone and she plays it off as someone at work. There’s a book called the walk out women if your lucky enough that your wife would agree to read it and there a companion book to that there by Gary Smalley there faith based but still real with this world. What I’ve found thou is this is an epidemic in one article I read I’m sure it varies depending on the source but 78% of all divorces filed were by women there is noway there is that many men that just don’t love there wives. It’s sad how this world has become like walmart throw aways I’m not sure if you have kids but no matter what any psychologist or therapist or counselor says kids are resilient they’ll be ok I’m a product of not having a Father in my life at all its going to effect the children even later in there adult lives it can’t be the driving factor why you fight or stay in an unhappy life. I really believe women get to a point we’re the feelings you have when your first together and equate that with love they know the difference but there asking aND wanting something in return there not willing to give. How your talking about the hugs and kisses being cold and unfeeling zero intimacy and if your lucky enough to actually get any it’s cold and unfeeling and makes you feel even worse and unloved. Don’t get me wrong there are men out there that don’t love there wives and don’t care but those of us that are truly IN LOVE WITH OUR WIVES IT’S REALLY SAD. I seen your post and almost thought I wrote it and if you do any searching you’ll find many such stories like someone had hidden camera’s and wrote your story. If I can give you anymore advice or words of encouragement I think it will post a reply link.

  • Igr July 7, 2015, 6:04 pm

    My husband woke me up one day to tell me he didn’t love me anymore. I must admit I didn’t handle it well and what at first was something that could have been fixed in one day turned in to a huge issue. I left the house and he decided to go over seas to meet someone he met online. While over there he spent all our savings and got in to some trouble. In the process he found out he is bipolar. Before continuing I must add we have 2 small children under the age of 4. I help him return to the states with the little amount of money I had left and tired to work things out. He didn’t want to and things got a bit out of hand with us. I finally left the house with our kids and have pretty much left him alone. He seems to be out of his manic stage and sent me messages that seem to suggest he wanted to try and fix things with me. After not seeing each other for over a month I once again found a way to get him to where I was spent money so he can see us and our kids. When I pick him up he tells me he doesn’t love me as has met someone else. I’m not sure if they are together because I rather not know. I love my husband and hate being without him no matter what. I don’t think that things could ever be the same but Ie wish we could find a way back to each other and maybe he could love me again.

  • Stacy November 1, 2015, 12:40 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 11 yrs(together for 12 come Dec, if we make it to that). we have a 7 yr old son & 8 mth old little girl. our problems started YEARS ago. we always argued. I didn’t feel like he really loved me. I felt like he put his drinking ahead of his wife & son. he was always yelling & cussing(my son was 3yrs old) & we always argued in front of him. I think that part of my sons problems with his behavior. In Dec of 13 I had surgery on my heel. not even a mth after that,i found out I was pregnant but less than a week later, I had a miscarriage. he had his aunt, our child, his uncle & a great aunt die all in a few mths time. it hurt the marriage a lot, I was in depression & wanted to end my life. I didn’t feel the need to go on. Then, yes, a flaw of mine, was I ended up fb friends with someone from school..we didn’t really talk but was gonna meet for lunch one day. I talked to my best friend at the time & discussed “other things”. I wasn’t gonna persue anything.. I was just angry, upset, depressed at the time & just blowing steam. My husband seen the convo between me & my best friend & our marriage almost ended. but we ended up going to marriage counceling. We only went twice bc of them not working around our schedules. I thought we were fine for a while up until just recently. He has said he believes I love him but not IN LOVE with him & I’m not sure myself. I feel that the drinking & yelling & cussing has took its toll on our marriage. & yes,again, ive made a guy friend at work…ONLY friends but my husband is upset with it thinking the worse. we had a plain out WAR, hitting & yelling, screaming, crying, drinking..u name it.our intimate life is not good.. he wants it all the time & certain ways but sex is no good for me. I cannot get into it at all. I’m usually just wanting to get it over with. idk what else to do..i feel like bc of out other problems we’ve had, that’s why I’m not ‘IN LOVE WITH HIM” as he puts it. I love him with all my heart but I guess my thing with other guys is I feel they are listening to me &make me feel like i am a woman & not a child. PLUS i am just a friendly person. we have talked about going back to counceling & maybe me seeing a sex therapist. I want to feel attracted to him again but i wanna feel loved & appreciated as a spouse. He is a good man. He supports & works hard for this family but i fell i don’t want to have sex anymore & if i don’t, he will divorce me for sure. hes only givng it til Thanksgiving & he says if it not better then its over. i don’t wanna lose him but dunno what else to do..any other suggestions will be helpful..are we just hopeless & wasting time or can this work?

  • RDD November 18, 2015, 4:08 pm

    First of all Stacy I’m sorry for your pain and confusion. It seems a lot of women my wife included are becoming disillusioned and lost . I’ve been searching now for 4 years sense she came home and told me I’m not in love with you anymore. But I tell you the weight women put on emotional love the way you feel love when you feel your being listened to the way you know a man loves you is not physical sexual intimacy it’s emotional intimacy. But the way a man feels he is loved the way you always hear men and women are different a man NEEDS emotionally physical sexual intimacy above any of the 5 languages of love. It’s crazy beyond belief only if you love each other when a man feels the physical intimacy he’s able to give emotional intimacy it really affects a man’s worth in every area of his life at work as a father and totally as a husband he’s committed his life and the woman he tore down that wall for is now not willing or capable of giving or feeling love in the most important way a man knows so I’m telling you he’s not going to be a happy man without a healthy vibrant sex life the craziest part is even though women fully believe they don’t need it or want it they 100% do and you feel in the same trap of the devil as my wife did and all the proof you need when you start friendly relationships with men at work or from school that emotional connection your getting from them you should be working to get with your spouse stop lying to yourself you may or may not have done anything with these people but the lines were crossed and when your intimate life is little to nothing and your seeking out other men you’ve got to admit to yourself why and understand what you’ve done to your husband. Nobody is or will ever be perfect until you realize your role in the downfall of why you don’t want to love your husband even If you divorce and find another imperfect man it will repeat at some point. Believe me I feel your pain in my heart and soul

  • D March 17, 2016, 9:06 am

    I found your site yesterday. How to argue with always right. The blog with John. Is exactly what I have and am living. Im the wife and my boyfriends (husbands) name is really john. I’m done. He wants me to try. I don’t know how. I have no. feelings left for him. He tries. Then stops tries and stops has been doing this for 5 months. Then blames me for not trying I honestly do not know what to do. I wish for lots of money to get out and try and pick up the pieces because my working just is not enough to take care of my children 11 and 13. I’m kinda stuck staying with him. Trying to not cause conflicts but He says if I can’t try then leave I’m so torn it’s killing me. Before I told him I don’t feel the same about him, 5 months ago. I started to take care of myself getting healthy. Making myself happy. Looking for better work more income. What I wanted to say. Is that. I stumbled on your blog. And. You are. So much like me. I feel exactly as you are describing in the blog above. It’s what I would do. And I am doing now. You know exactly how I’m feeling. With the john blog. It’s weird. But I found you for a reason. If it’s to prove that I’m really not crazy. That’s awesome. Thank you for being you. And helping so many people. Even if you are not a professional. You have earned your degree in life just as I have and still am earning it.
    I wish you lots and lots of luck in your life and endeavors.
    Be happy. For you. Love everyone you can. Don’t hate. See the beauty around you. And in you. Take time for you. If things start to get crazy again remember You are loved. Again thank you for showing me I’m awesome no matter what others think of me.


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