a.k.a.
“Oh please don’t go
we’ll eat you up—we love you so!”
a.k.a.
My spouse no longer wants to be married to me. I still want to be married. What should I do?
Several readers asked me this question this week. It was a little eerie—getting the same question over and over, from men and from women. It made me wonder whether one really persistent person was sending the same question from multiple email addresses or whether all of the disgruntled spouses decided to walk out on their marriages during the same week.
At any rate, when I get the same question that many times? I figure the universe is sending me this sign: Must. Blog. About. This.
So here we are. Now, before I answer this question, I must state a few disclaimers.
Disclaimer #1: My husband has never threatened to leave me. He’s also never admitted to not being in love with me. Even when I don’t shower for a few days at a time? He still seems to be quite smitten.
Disclaimer #2: I am not a psychologist.
Disclaimer #3: Based on #1 and #2, it’s quite possible that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
What follows is what I imagine I would do if my husband, one day, said, “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m outta here.”
- I would ask if there was anything I could do to change his mind.
- Assuming he said, “No,” then I would say, “Let’s try to make this go as easily as possible on our daughter. Can we agree to do that?”
- Out loud, I would wish him much happiness, even if I really wanted him to come down with flesh-eating disease.
- I would lock myself in small room and I would cry for a very long time. I would say things like, “This isn’t fair” and “That stupid bastard doesn’t know a good thing when he has one” and “wow this hurts more than I ever would have imagined.”
- I would emerge from said room and go through the motions of daily life.
- When I thought I could manage to get the words out of my mouth without becoming a snotty mess, I would tell a very close friend about it.
- I would do a number of things that I find comforting: drink a lot of hot tea, stay in bed under the covers a lot, wear the same fleecy outfit over and over again, and eat really bad food. I’m not saying that these things are constructive and healthy. I’m just being honest. This is what I would probably do.
- After my pits started to really stink and my clothes no longer fit, I would take a shower, blow dry my hair, and say, “That’s enough wallowing. I have a daughter to raise and a life to live.”
- I would buy a new outfit and a new pair of shoes. I would also send myself flowers. I might get a massage.
- I would take care of myself. I would exercise, meditate, read good books, listen to beautiful music, eat healthy food, and surround myself with people who make me laugh.
- I would ask myself, “Where do I go from here?”
- I would make a plan to go there. In other words, I would move on.
I don’t think I would try to win back my husband’s heart. I just don’t. Why? Because I think that would be futile. It’s my firm belief that the more you try to hold onto something, the more that something tries to break free. Stick a bird feeder on your porch and the same bird might come and eat from it every single day. Start chasing that bird around your yard in an attempt to catch it and put it in a cage? It will probably fly away and never come back.
So if you really want to win back your spouse, it’s my firm belief that you have to stop chasing him or her around the yard. Just put out a feeder. Get healthy. Get fit. Take care of yourself emotionally. Find yourself. Chances are that you’ve lost a part of yourself during all of these years of marriage anyway. Who are you? What drives you? Where can you go from here? How can you be happy without your spouse? Who can you become? What can you learn from this?
It’s possible that your spouse is just having one of those midlife crises. It’s possible that your spouse really doesn’t know how good he or she really has it. It’s possible that your spouse just needs some time to think things over. If any or all of those possibilities are really the case? Finding yourself is like putting out that feeder. It will lead your spouse back to you.
And if none of those possibilities are the case? Finding yourself will still lead you to a better place—a place where you can be happy with your spouse in your life or not. Either way, becoming a better, stronger, more independent person is a good thing. It gets you to a better place.
What do you think?
Oh, there’s a surprise free gift for the first person who leaves a comment that 1) correctly states the name of the book that includes the phrase that appears in this post’s second headline 2) describes why I thought that phrase was especially symbolic to this post’s subject matter. I’m not saying whether or not it’s a gift that you would ever truly want. Just saying that there is one, and it can be yours if you guess correctly.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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My husband recently told me “he loves me but is not in love with me”, I am heartbroken. We’ve been married for almsot 5 years and together a total of 8.5 years, oh yeah, I’m almost 6 months pregnant with our first child. He also tells me we have nothing in common, which I believe is a bunch of crap because how can we have been together and married for so long without having anything in common? He also says the way we were raised has some to do with it (he did not have a good childhood and had nothing where I had a loving life and a home). At this moment we have a lot going on in our life and I asked him if that could be contributing to what he is feeling, and he said possibly. He wants to wait until after the baby is born to make a final decision on our relationship because he wants our baby to feel his love for her and does not want us to be on bad terms. He also wants me to remain living in the home until I have a solid job (I’m about to graduate from nursing school) and am able to support myself. This was after I told him I began looking for places to rent, and he was hurt by that, stating that it triggered something he didn’t realize he felt. A big part of me wants to think he is going through a crisis and to hang in there, but it is very difficult. He is not happy with anything but our baby, so he says. I know I should let him go and I’m doing my best to give him space but I deeply love him and am not willing to give up on our relationsihp.
Kristen,
I completely understand your feelings. Virtually, the same thing happened to me in April with my wife of 3 years (together a total of 7 years). The words from my wife were “I don’t think I ever loved you. I don’t know what love means”. There are many additional toxic comments but some more similarities with your situation are “We are two different people to be together” aka The “Nothing in Common” line…Kristen, I don’t buy any of this! I did fought hard to save our marriage but she made such as rash decision to end it…I mean it was one day, “hi husband, i love you.” then, the next day “I WANT a divorce. Are you OK with that?” ….Sorry, but what did you just say?! I had deeply loved her so it hurt so bad, but the cliche that time heals all pains really is true, at least in my experience. She is totally going through a crisis! I am going to let her play it out and deal with her issues. I can’t help her and she doesn’t want my help. She believes there are eener pasture out there that are easily accessible by her…maybe she is right, but she is giving up a lot to try that “perfect life”. Hang in there!! Be patient!! The Universe will make things right.
Han,
At first I begged and pleaded with him and said that the stress over everything we are going through is what lead him to feel this way. After a couple weeks, I realized that what I was doing was pushing him farther away. So, I decided to give him his space and not question his feelings anymore, he eventually realized we do have things in common or else we would have not been together for so long. We are now going through a divorce because that is what he wants, but we are very amicable toward one another. I’ve let him go based on the saying, “If you love something let it go and if it comes back to you it’s yours”. Yes, I am hurting deeply still because I am about due with our baby girl and I want things to work out but I can’t make someone feel something for me, they have to feel it on their own. And you are right, the Universe will make things happen. Good luck to you!
Kristen,
I am also completely following the philosophy of “If you love something let it go and if it comes back to you it’s yours”. I realized that I had to hold back on my love or otherwise push her farther away. We are also going thru a divorce. I would not say ours is amicable, but I would also not say it is combative either. It’s is driven by her and I am only reacting. Overall, this situation is terribly sad and painful. But, I am using this time to build a life without her and look to do things that will improve me.
Take care of yourself!
Where the Wild Things Are! It’s symbolic because it illustrates what NOT to do if your spouse wants to leave. It didn’t work with Max – maybe he would have stayed if the monsters had said, “Well, then we hope you’ll be happy!” and then started taking ballroom dancing classes! He might just have realized how much fun he’d be missing by leaving!
We have 2 boys ages 8 and 4. It’s very painful to hear the words “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” I asked him to help me understand what has made him fall out of love with me. He can go one for hours, it seams. I know I have my faults but it’s not all me. Because he was so negative I figure ok then, go. I asked him for a trail separation. He is afraid that we will lose the house and everything else we have. I told him well it is not worth anything if we are not enjoying it right? Either way we will lose it. The only thing we are doing is prolonging the inevitable. He left for the weekend and I plan on leaving next weekend. I am not sure where I will go from here but I have two boys to raise. I have to find a way.
I don’t know….that’s the best I can come up with. I truly don’t know if I can stay in my marriage. In the four years we’ve been together there’s been a lot of crap that’s he’s done. I don’t have anything to look forward to except more of the same bad treatment.. We are in therapy but he’s just in it to get disability, if you can understand that one. I just can’t get myself to care anymore. I love the three egg story, that’s me up to where you get back to giving up the three eggs for your hubby. I’m the one who is up first, I used to make coffee and bring him a cup, now…I really don’t give a rat’s you-know-what if he gets anything he needs anymore, he never did care if I had what I needed. I’m civil, I move through my day. I have gone back to school, there are positive things I am doing. Mainly I’ve started building a life without him, back to being all that I can be and that feels okay. I look forward to meeting someone else. I am not actively looking, I just know it will happen. Next time I will be smarter about the person I choose to join my life, a lot smarter.
Update:
He’s in therapy at the Va, for himself, which is a good thing. I am still moving on with my own life. It seems that since I’ve made that decision, good things have come to me, mostly peace of mind. I won Alisa’s book, Happily Ever After, it’s a great book. The thing is there is more to Alisa’s husband from the start of when they met compared to what may of us have in our partners. He is a great guy and it shows that he loved her immensely, he has a heart where she is concerned and the feelings are reciprocated. I’m getting a lot out of the book, mostly really really really take a look at the person you start out with, get to KNOW them before you take the leap or the work to ‘save’ the marriage is a lot harder. No one is perfect, I was in denial of many things and a person can only do to you what you let them do. Our marriage therapist told us during our last session that there were character flaws that we had to accept about each other, some flaws/bad treatment are just not acceptable.
I am the perfect example of “I love you, but…I’m not IN LOVE with you” That’s how I feel about my husband. I’m married for 18 years and I have 3 children with him. He’s a great guy, and a good father, but I not in any way shape or form attracted to him. We havent had sex in over a year yet we still sleep in the same bed. I just cant bring myself to be intimate with him. He’s not happy with this. I am attracted to other men so I know its not me. Its just me with him thats a problem. I really want to love him and I want to be intimate. I miss it. Just not with him. I could really use some advise on how I can fall in love with my husband. It was never hot and exciting, but it was nice and cozy. I’d be happy to just get back that nice and cozy.
I can 100% understand your situation. I’m in the same boat with my husband of 8 years. Although I know exactly how I got to feeling that way, I have NO idea how to reverse it. I want to believe it’ll get back to where it once was, but it took 8 years to get to this point, so somedays I’m the one saying “I love you I’m just not in love with you” I could honestly live with him content to some degree, just as long as we never were intimite again. He’s destroyed that part of our marriage, but we have three beautiful kids and a good life outside of that. If you ever figure it out, let me know
I’m just trusting that God will do a miracle.
The same thing happened to me. After about 13 years of marriage I started to get the urge to sleep around. My wife is gorgeous and a great person so I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I started questioning our relationship and after about a year I still felt the same but now wanted nothing to do with her. This lasted for about another year and during this time I really started to think we were just best friends. If she made the move to be intimate I would just because it seemed like the right thing to do and to not create any problems at home, but if it were up to me I would’ve rather have been left alone. It wasn’t easy I wanted a divorce and talked to a friend about moving in with him. I wanted nothing to do with her intimately but didn’t want to lose her either. I wrestled with all of these feelings for over 2 years. I can’t tell you how many days I would tell myself this is the day I have to tell her because I can’t take it anymore. But when push came to shove I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m glad I didn’t because whatever I was going through passed and I realized that I love her more than ever. I still don’t know why this all happened but I do know it was mostly about
It had a lot to do with me and not her. Even thought throughout all this time I blamed her. I never told her but in my head everything I was going through was somehow her fault. Even things that she had absolutely no control over. If I went to the store and purchased something that was expired, he fault. Hang in there and just ride it out. If you really were in love then don’t quit. Marriages have UPS and downs .
After all this we things between us were better than ever. That lasted for about a year and half. Now she is going through what I believe is the same thing. When she describes how she feels and the things she says sounds identical to me. The sad part is she doesn’t think its the same. We are now sleeping apart and she keeps telling me she wants a divorce but for some reason has yet to file. I’m trying my best to hang in there hoping its the same. The only difference is I held it all in and did a pretty good job with not letting i
Rich: thank you very much for sharing your story and thought process while you were going through a “down” time in your marriage. I admire you for having the persistence of love to endure your feelings for 2 years. I know it must have been extremely challenging and you were rewarded with happiness afterwards. I am sorry to hear about what your wife is now going through but I also believe if you and her hang in there, there will be even more happiness once you both get through it. I think this is a example “making a marriage work”. With my generation, either one or both parties is too often ready to quit without working on it just because they are not happy for the time being. The rewards come later and it is very possible to be even happier once a marriage is battle-tested and survives. Unfortunately, sometimes this is concept is foreign to my generation or it is not adhered it. My wife just left — cruelly and maliciously — after 3 years of marriage because she was “not happy” and wanted to return to being a teeny-bopper that clubs, drinks, smokes, and has causal sex….all at the ripe old age of 31. We lived a happy and warm life until she just snapped one day, no warning and very abrupt. One day, it was “I love you” and 5 days later it was, among other things, “Sign the papers or get the f*%k out of my car!!”. Again Rich I admire you for enduring and hope for the best in this new and challenging time! You will get through it!
bored – there are literally millions of people who have felt like this at some stage in their marriage, so you are certainly not alone. The tragedy is that lots of them take it to be ‘the end’ of the relationship, and move on to what they believe are greener pastures, only to find that the next relationship ends up in exactly the same place. Long term relationships go through different phases (these can be broken down into 4 broad categories; attraction, infatuation, power struggle and true love). These can go for varying lengths and it’s not exactly linear – you can move back and forth between them to a certain extent, and the ‘fly in the ointment’ is that both people in the relationship may well not be at the same stage at the same time.
Most people don’t stay married to someone for 18 years without there being a deep attraction and commitment, so the trick is to remind yourself of what it was that attracted you, and work on rekindling that. It’s easy to get ‘lost’ in a marriage, with kids, career, home commitments, etc, etc, and if you’re not careful you end up in a functional relationship. I’m not suggesting that you want to look for some sort of unrealistic fairytale- type relationship, but really look at YOURSELF and your husband and remember back to what you loved about them before, and work (and I mean really work!) at bringing that back.
We’ll Eat You Up, We Love You So! Maurice Sendak in “Where the WIld Things Are.”
Why you used it? It is possible for two people to love their child completely, but to not belong together any longer. I also thought how the intensity of love between partners can wane after that intense feeling of wanting to taste every part of each other.
I cant say enough how comforting this site is to me. I’m so glad I am not in alone in how I feel. I knew others felt like this, but to see it in writing and hear similar feelings and hearing the extreme measures some of you have taken or been through, it really opens my eyes. I am guilty of believeing the grass is greener on the other side. I’ve been through more then I can post about, but done things I am ashamed of. I want my marriage to work, I truly and honestly do. My husband loves me to pieces and I sit here and wonder WHY? WHY do you love someone who puts you through emotional stress, is rarely happy, has looked for “affairs”, and yet, he still wants to be with me. I have come to realize, that YES he has flaws and things he needs to work on, but the problem truly lies within ME. I’ve begun counseling again and its my first step toward helping myself and my marriage.
LGA, are you my wife? Seriously, it sounds just like our situation. Why does he stay with you? Because he loves you! He’s hoping that this will pass and that you will look at all the positives in your relationship and realize that, while it may not be perfect (no relationship is), it’s pretty darn good!
I’ve been trying to just “put out the feeder” and not “chase her around the yard” (love the analogy, Alisa!) but it’s not easy. It’s been 7 months since she told me she wasn’t in love with me and I get frustrated all the time. How long do I give it? I don’t know, but I know I’m not ready to call it quits just yet.
Keeping the feeder stocked with seed…
bcc, you sound like MY husband. Problem is he’s still puppy love, head over the heals for me. But HE is the one who destroyed the love I had for him, for us. What then? I love him, but I’d be happy raising our kids side by side, never being intimate again. It truly breaks my heart knowing it hurts him to hear that he repulses me, or that I’m not romanticly interested in him. I’m sad for him, even being the one that is making him feel the pain. Confusing yes, but I’ve lived JUST for his happiness for years, and I’m finally holding him accountable for my feelings of insecurity, depression and simple unhappiness in our marriage. He says he’ll never give up on me….but without pointing fingers, no matter who’s done the wronging, how does one fix such a mess?
Heather, I’m not sure what you mean by “HE is the one who destroyed the love I had for him, for us”, but it sounds like he is commited to you and the marriage. Are you? I’ve been guilty of going along just to get along, of being too accomodating. I’ve learned that I need to speak my mind on issues large and small because saying “whatever” can be interpreted as “I don’t care” and that can suck the life out of a relationship. My wife and I are recommiting to each other and while we are not out of the woods by any means, we are working at it. From what I’ve seen and read it’s the commitment to get through this phase in a marriage that helps you get back to the passion and intimacy that you once shared.
And remember, no one else can make you happy but you…
Hi Bcc, No i’m not your wife! LOL, but i’m sorry that your wife is putting you through some emotional stress and heartache. My advice to you would be. Dont throw yourself at her. Give her space. Don’t be overly nice either. Little by little i’am coming around to realize what I have is “pretty darn good”. It is very hard though when you dont feel emotionally connected to your spouse. I’m not saying thats what it definitely is in your case. But in mine, it is. Lots of Luck to you! Hope to see you around on the boards/blogs!
Thanks for the advice, LGA. Coming from you it’s probably good for my situation too. It does seem counter intuitive to me, I mean, how do we emotionally reconnect if I’m giving her space? But I’ll try it…
Lots of luck to you too!
Hi Bcc,
I understand what you mean about if you give her space how do you reconnect…….but she probably needs time to herself to “think”, maybe “get her act together”. Having you all over her, would just agitate her if this is how she is feeling right now. Trust me…..thats how I feel. But like I said, at the same time, don’t be too nice. She can’t think its ok for her to feel this way and have you kiss her butt at the same time. You have reactions to what she told you, so you have to act on those as well. Just don’t be mean or give her the cold shoulder. Most importantly,. do not keep coming over to kiss her, or rub her back, or keep telling her how much you love her. In my case, my husband does this ALL the time. And I wish he wouldnt. It makes me uncomfortable because of how i’m feeling and I wish he would just back off and let me “feel” what I feel, and have time to think about it. I started counseling again for myself because I have 2 young children, so fleeing the coup, is not really the most ideal situation for me. I would love to reciprocate the feelings he has for me, but I need to “get there first”. Financial issues, boredom, me staying home all the time with the kids, has really taken a toll on me emotionally. Post back and let me know how things are going!
So, I guess pursuing sex is a bad idea, huh?
Bcc, I don’t know what ur sex life was like before all this. But if she is being loving to u….even if its sparatically, that’s when you can try to pursue. Make it all about her…..get her aroused and make it all about her. If she’s into it….then great. If not…..go in the shower and take care of business. But like the other guy said, don’t constantly feel like u have to walk on eggshells. Just don’t be overly nice…..but u have feelings too. If this isn’t working for you, you have to tell her. She told you right? Works same way. Sounds like she needs something in her life to make her happy, keep her busy……feel like she matters more then just being a mom and wife. Does she work?
LGA… Our sex life was always very good… now nothing. But she is loving once in a while and I will try to take advantage of those times to get more intimate… or hit the showers…
And I will tell her when it’s not working for me… I have to. I’ve been sucking it up for way too long.
She works part-time and has been considering a career change. Seems like she’s reaching out in all directions to find her happiness… everywhere but inside herself.
Sometimes I think she just needs to practice what I call “the attitude of gratitude”… be grateful for what you’ve got.
Thanks again! Hope you’re finding your way…
Bcc, do u have any reason to believe she might have been seeing anyone else? Maybe it didn’t work out what she thought it might be, and she’s somewhat “grieving”?maybe why the sex has stopped??? Have u ever felt like she was hiding anything? It sounds like she is reaching for something as u say in all diff directions. My unhappiness started aftet I had kids. Sadly……it did. I felt the financial struggles and being left out of the working world I really resented. My hubby says if working again will make u happy then do it. He says he doubts it will, he thinks it will be something else. I’m dfinitely bitchy……NOT not the happy go lucky type….but I think I will always have unhappiness and something to complain about, just how I am I guess. And its easy to blame others for our unhappiness. In this situation, its Not YOU that is the problem (or him, my hubby) its really HER (me). And she knows it……cuz I do too. I’m trying to get there…….he is an amazing dad and works so hard for our family, I want to be happy with what I have, so counseling it is…….I’m trying.
She says there’s noone else…
Good luck with the counseling, try to keep an open mind. We all tend to get stuck in our own thoughts and it helps to get an another perspective sometimes.
We do kiss hello/goodbye, good morning/goodnight but that’s it… although I want so much more, I know it would be counter-productive to try at this point. She tells me she loves me once in a while and we do things together, with other couples, and with our two boys. I’m trying to act “real” but not be a downer… acting the way I want to feel. She stopped going to counseling, claimed she wasn’t getting anything from it. She may look for another counselor. Thanks again… you really do sound like my wife. I think you both are going through similar feelings. And try to give your husband some slack… we guys tend to want to “fix” things and doing less is unnatural for us sometimes. All the best…
I think what the problem is with me BCC, is that I don’t really know what being in love is. I know the beginning of love……when you have butterflies and you are so excited to see them, and the sex is amazing ALL the time……but what happens after 14 yrs and the butterflies have gone away and it becomes so “blah”? Maybe i’m having a mid life crisis….i’m 38…..We do things together too with our kids, and we are trying to make plans with other couples. As a matter of fact, its more US time that we need so we have been having date nights like once every other week…..and I totally need the counseling, so I go. I’m going tonite as a matter of fact. I hope your wife decides to continue going to counseling. Maybe she needs a new counselor…..maybe that will help. Keep me posted. I hope the best for both us no matter what it turns out to be, but I hope you get your “happily ever after”.
My wife and I have been together 20 years, 18 married so, again very similar situations. I guess when people get to this stage of life it’s natural to assess where we are and where we are going. Unfortunately many people seem ready to chuck it all and start over rather than make some changes with what they have to get where they want to be. Hope you get your “happily ever after” too.
A great discussion betwee bcc & LGA! You’re discussing what so many couples go through – some come out stronger and more unified on the other side, and others don’t (my situation was the latter). It does seem surreal that the stuff you read about happening to ‘other people’ is happening to you, but you are definitely not alone. I agree with the comments about giving the one who is ‘making the break’ some space – be understanding and supportive, but not a doormat either – I can tell you from personal experience that definitely does not work! Ultimately you need to accept that (true) love cannot be coerced – it must be given freely, otherwise it is not sustainable. Good luck!
Bern, thanks. I’m so glad there is a place for us to go to for advice and vent. And it is very comforting knowing we are not alone. I hope we can all find happiness in whatever kind of ending our situations bring.
It’s true… so many couples are going through this. In our case, I’ve been giving her space for months and there has been gradual, steady improvement in our relationship, but sometimes I feel that by just staying married to her I’m being a doormat. By staying am I making it too comfortable for her to just continue things as they are? Do I need to deliver an ultimatum? I feel like I’m walking this tightrope all the time… not fun.
bcc – for what it’s worth in my case I found not actually addressing the issue resulted in the eventual end of the relationship. It was easy for my (then) wife to carry on with me until she found a ‘raft’ to take her off what she obviously perceived as the sinking ship of our marriage. We would go up and down – she’d seem to get more enthusiatic about our marriage (we even applied to emigrate to Canada!) for a while, then it would be back to clearly not wanting to be there. It was crazy-making stuff, and I can now see that it was ‘doing my head in’ for many years, and I was walking on eggshells for much of the time. I remember I used to have ‘self-analysis sessions’ with myself – thinking back over every little interaction we had and trying to analyse what I’d done or said wrong as I couldn’t understand the reactions from her. It was nuts.
I think she thought the ‘grass would be greener’ elsewhere, and as I said above, was just waiting until someone else would come along to rescue her – crazy I know, but that’s what she thought. Since we’ve parted and divorced she of course has found the grass isn’t greener, and while we have very little interaction I can see (when we’re at the same venue, as she and I still both go to sports and other events concerning our children) that she’s doing exactly the same things that she did with me with the new man (the ‘raft’) that whisked her away. She’s also totally intimidated, and does everything she can to even avoid walking past me, acknowledging my presence, etc – so she’s gone from having total control in our relationship to being totally overwhelmed and intimidated by the current situation.
The facts are that the grass is not greener, and leaving to avoid issues that your husband or wife thinks are your fault in the relationship will just reoccur in any other relationship they may have – they need to face the issues and deal with them, and running away will only make it worse.
after reading all of the comments i feel that even though we all got the same words it happens at different times in a marriage, my wife gave me the line only 4 weeks ago after 34 years together, also saying she loves someone else.
I heard those words last night after 25 years. I don’t know what to do or say. I love him.. He too is with someone else. He says he does not love her
Not to be a debbie downer but shortly after my husband uttered the “i love you but im not in love with you” — i discovered he was having an affair on me. the emotional affair had gone on for about 2 months before the physical affair started. the physical started after I moved out of the house bc i couldnt take the emotional abuse. it is sad to say that all this happened 1 year into our marriage. after i decided to forgive him…he says he looks at me as an amazing woman with an icredible ability to forgive.. he seems to be changing and we are doing a lot of therapy. i am hopeful that we can heal and move on. its hard when the woman he cheated on me with was a an illegal alien who couldnt speak the langauage and cant read and is fat and unnattractive and married with 2 children.. i dont get it and i never will. does a toll on your self esteem which i too am working on..
Hugs to all the hurting people in the comments and that sent Alisa messages. Sometimes, I think there comes a point in a relationship when nothing can be done to fix it, no matter how much people want to try. Hope there are happy endings, however.
BCC, I was wondering how you are doing? Hope things are better….
LGA: Things are actually going pretty well. We are getting along great for the most part. Every once in a while we’ll have a heart to heart talk which is great for clearing the air between us. Sometimes it gets heated but that’s ok… it shows we care right? We are slowly but surely getting more intimate, emotionally and physically. Neither one of us wants to rush things. In some ways we are getting to know each other all over again. We are not out of the woods yet but we are getting there. She has told me that she wants to be with me and noone else… that she wants to be married to me and make things better. We are working on doing just that.
Hope things are well with you. Thanks for thinking of us… it was really nice of you to ask. May God bless you and help you find your happily ever after.
BCC: I am curious; are there any particular steps that you have taken that has helped with the mending of your marriage?
Hi Amber,
I basically just backed off and stopped pursuing her. It seemed the more I tried to get close, the more she moved away. By giving her space and taking care of myself (everyone tells you that but it’s true) she is able to figure things out for herself and not feel pressured by me. Also, by taking care of myself I feel better about myself and that makes me more attractive to her.
We are still working at it and we have good days and bad days but we are both in it for the long haul so hopefully we will continue to rebuild the passion we once had.
I have a problem with trusting my husband. Let me tell you why. My husband drives a public transport bus. One time when he came home he wanted me to fix something on his phone. While doing this I noticed he had 13 text messages. He doesn’t have a text plan so he has to pay for them . I opened them up and there was messages saying I love you and when will I get to see you again and I miss you,,all the things a person would say to a person they were in love with. I ask him about them and he blew up. He said there was no way they were on there. I showed them to him and he accused me of putting them on there. I said sure I did it while you were driving your bus on your job and I was at home cleaning house I stole your phone and texted another woman. The times on the text were while he was alone so no one could have done it, but him. He told me if I didn’t believe him or trust him he would see his attorney and file for divorce. Wasn’t this a little extreme reaction? He twisted the phone, thru it at me and it missed so I picked it up and kept him from breaking it. Half an hour later he changed and it was like nothing had happen and I couldn’t believe it. What would you think and what should I do? He also got a call from that number on the text but they never said anything when I answered. I called it back and a woman answered and I asked her why she was calling and texting my husband. She said “It’s none of your business and if I was worried about it, ask him”. Help!!!!
@!BCC, I’m so glad things are looking up for you. Maybe a little distant was all you two needed. I hope you will continue doing what u are doing, cuz it seems like its working for you. Me, I’m feeling a lot better emotionally. Things with hubby are always up and down……but I’m trting to work on me, so hopefully there will be a better us.
@GiGI…….u have your answer……he’s definitely cheating on you and he’s also lieing about it now. I would demand this ENDS now, and if it doesn’t, you go see an attorney. No bluffs, no threats…..just the facts. You don’t deserve this. And for him to blow up like that, all the more PROVES he’s guilty. They always get angry when they are caught. Angry at themselves and angry at you cuz they know things are gonna hit the fan and they have a reason to panic now and basically YOUR in control now……NOT them. Demand he ends it or you end the marriage. If u have kids, seek therapy, try whatever you can to save your marriage, but DO NOT tolerate him continuing to cheat on you. YOU are in control now, not him. If he refuses, u have your answer…..pursue the divorce. Good Luck to you and I’m sorry you are going thru this.
I think a spouse saying they love you but are not in love with you is outright dumb and an excuse to get out of the marraige. It means that they have found someone else that is exciting and they have the NEW love flutters that they dont feel around you anymore becuase you have been together for so long. I dont believe you can unconditionally love someone and then stop… I beleive marraige should be a partnership that you can depend on for life as you have let go of your parents and cleaved to that individual. I would tell my partner that that is BS… I would say that I am willing to make changes for them if something I am doing or not doing is making them unhappy or uncomfortable. Do you need to me to look better? Maybe WE need a vacation and to dedicate more time together so we can fall “in love” again. If my partner said no to this I would say that they are already smitten over someone else… and therefore have already mentally escaped the marraige and made a decision. And if they did that, and were not telling me or saying sorry about what steps they have taken away from the commitment with you, then they are not a good partner and would not be someone that I would even take back.
@ lorin
You sound like you are young and inexperienced in love matters. I, for one, love my husband (how could I not after being with him for 8+ years), but right now our marriage is difficult and I would not say that I am in love with him. He is a wonderful man and father, but not great in a spousal relationship. Some of that has to do with his difficult childhood, some of it has to do with my mild depression and emotional baggage from my past as well. I have not found someone else, and I don’t want to. I just need some time to take care of myself before working on my relationship with him, which would be taking a vacation FROM each other not WITH each other at first. Maybe after that first vacation and some healing time we would be able to move on to working on our relationship in some real way again. If people are not whole, they cannot function together well. That is an unfortunate fact of life, and one that you may learn as time goes on.
My wife told me those words not too long ago. I guess I deserved it. I was really preoccupied with trying to make my business work in this awful economy. I was ashamed to be with her and felt inadequate as a man trying to support my family (she and our 3 kids). I have managed but to make the biz work enough but I was a grumpy mess. I would stay up all hours of the night and end up sleeping in my office since I didn’t want to wake her or there was a small child in bed with her. Sex life was when I caught her in the mood before she went to bed, not often. I spent more time with myself in that department. Apparently she was hurt I spent too much time making money for us that she says she felt like I died, she mourned my death and now she is over me. She said she lost the husband she married, we have grown apart and she was considering leaving. We have been working on this for 7 weeks now. At first it was very hard, I went from thinking that my marriage was the best thing that happened to me to it could be over any moment. My reconnection with her has made a positive impact on her feelings for me, but sometimes I get insecure and I need to talk about it and that takes us a couple of steps back. ll in all though, I feel like I love her more than ever before, we have set aside date time for just us to help us reconnect, and sex has never been better (only when she wants it though). Tonight she is away at training and I felt insecure on the phone when I asked her to send me a text to let me know she is in bed and safe so I could sleep without worrying about her. She did not want to do that. She said the purpose for this trip was to spend time away and to see if she missed me. SO far I messed that up with trying to communicate with her more than our agreed one time a day and I think she will tell me that she is pushed further away now. Everyone I talked to says stop chasing her, she isn’t gone yet, don’t take it so seriously unless she says it’s over, and to take care of yourself and she will be more comfortable around me. Like you suggested, set out the feeder and she will return. I will try not chasing her and see if hat helps…especially since she is asking for more space. Meanwhile I’ll continue at the gym, continue being the best husband and father I can be, and hope she finds the man she married is still right here.
My wife said those words to me about a year ago and we started to work on things to grow back together. However, a few days ago she stated them again and I thought things were going great because all of the things we were doing seemed to make her much happier. So when she said them again I figured there are still a few things that she needs and we’ve decided to see a therapist but unfortunately my wife said “don’t get your hopes up”. Which also happens to be on the 3rd anniversary of us trying to start to have kids with no luck what so ever. I just have a feeling that my wife is already to finish it without trying but trying because she wants me to be happy. Except that I want her to be happy at the same time.
i got those words last night after 25 years of marriage. I also was told that he is in a relationship with someone he “cares for” but does not love. I love him and I have no idea what to o
Wow, who would had known that putting “how to fall in love again” in the google search bar, that I would end up finding this blog? Desperation is not the word at the moment. Im almost at the two year mark in my marriage. So I ask myself where was our honeymoon phase? I thing the infatuation ceased to exist after we moved in with eacth other. I had asked numerous of married couples and friends who are in long term-relationships, for advice. After a year and a half of trying to bring the “spark back” my flame towards him just finally gave out. I have read some of these posts and see that it took other marriages years to feel this gap between them. Why in the heck my marriage just tanked after I said “I Do”? His prpblem is that he doesnt see the problem or doesnt care to fix it. I just told him that if things dont turn around after our second year I will seek a divorce. But I think that went in one ear and right out the other or its just he only seeks to do the minimum to keep me happy. I know its not all him and I tried to adjust myself to make things work for us. But I was begining to lose my voice. I dont want to loose my identity for the sake of keeping peace in a dull like marriage. I suggested counseling but he’s not really gun ho about it. In fact he doesnt have any suggestions at all to fix this. Its always me trying to find the tools to patch things up. He claims tha he loves me and want us to work it out but how can I fall in love with you(him) again? How can I fall in love with someone who knows how to tear down a deck of cards after someone who keeps trying to build it back up.
Nicole: Have you told your husband what was lacking in the marriage that makes you feel this way? Have you told him what the problem is? If you simply say that you do not love him anymore, or that you are unhappy, there is not much that he can do to fix the problem. is it communication, sex, romance, emotional distance? He needs to know what you need in order to give it to you. if you have told him, and he has made no attempt, then you have to do what is right for you. You cannot fall in love again if he refuses to meet your needs, just as he cannot meet your needs if you do not tell him specifically what they are.
Oh my! This could be me. I think I’m currently on about step 7. Still feeling sorry for myself, but starting to realise that I have to get on with my life.
We were/are(?) together for 10 years, then got married and on our first anniversary, four months ago, he told me that he thought he’d made a mistake and wasn’t sure that marriage was for him. Said he asked me because he thought it was the right thing to do.
Now he’s cut off all communication, aside from remaining polite (we work together..) and occasionally drifting home unannounced at the weekend (I think mowing the lawn and feeding the cat eases his conscience..). I, meanwhile, have shown mildly hysterical and stalkerish tendencies: I’m coming up to 35 and we were trying for our first child – I can feel that clock ticking with every fiber of my body…
Anyhow, I’m going to attempt the advice on this site and move onto stage 8. I shall try to look after myself, enjoy myself and generally think *** him for the moment. Hopefully he’ll realise what he’s missing.
I got married just last February. 4 months later he said the same thing to me! I have lost my mind, I couldn’t eat or sleep, and most of all it hurts me more than anything in this world! Now we are separated and going through the legal separation. At this point I have gained some confident but, I’m not gonna say that I’m ok coz I’m not! I still want my marriage back! I still see him every week (when I shouldn’t at all). We’re both keeping distance. I just don’t know what to do from this point! Help!
Uh, No offense to other posters here, but, I find the majority of the comments here to be absolutely worthless! To each his/her own but as I was the unfortunate one on the receiving end of: “I Love You, but I’m Not In Love With You” recently, and I can tell you that I will not give up as easily as so many seem to be doing!
Being together for 8 years and married for nearly six, I know my wife . . . likely better than she knows herself in a lot of ways. I understand that regarding love she is very naive. It is obvious to me that she is confusing the initial infatuation, attraction and desires we shared for being “In Love”, rather than seeing that the love we have since built upon that is actually the real foundation for “true love” and that it just needs to be nurtured, rather than abandoned. We both have taken our marriage for granted over the past two and a half years (I forgot to mention that we had two boys 13 months apart) as we focused on being parents but not husband and wife . . . though she can too easily say those devastating words, I know it is not in an attempt to cause me pain, but is being said because she herself is in pain, and I know that it is most of my actions (and inaction’s) that has caused it. As such I will be do everything “I” can to fix what I can while hoping and praying that she is able to see things more clearly while being happy. Perhaps then “we” will be able to work on things together.
I love my wife and I just cannot see giving up so easily . . . the “if you love something, set it free and if it doesn’t return, it wasn’t meant to be” nonsense does NOT apply to people confused about love or feelings. Confusion is often due to over thinking, and since when do love & thinking go together?
If I fail, at least I will know that I gave it everything and anything I could . . . I hope that anyone out there that has heard those heart breaking words is able to find the strength to open their eyes, roll up their sleeves and get to work rather than just turning their backs and walking away . . .
Love, once found is rarely lost, sometimes it just gets a little misplaced . . .
Scott: I too believe that marriage is worth fighting for. I do not agree that her feelings are a direct result of everything you have/haven’t done, they are a result of what both of you have/haven’t done. She may not be focused on her part in the ‘demise of love’, but that does not, by default, mean that you are to blame. Yes, you may have to work alone for the time being in order to save your marriage, but she will eventually have to come to terms with her contribution of wrongs. I do agree with you though; everyone told me to just pack up and leave my husband, he wasn’t worth the trouble or emotional pain he was inflicting on me. I beg to differ; he is worth every ounce of fight that I have in me.
Sorry to all if my last comment was in any way condescending or rude to those currently in pain over their relationship . . . I just heard those words over the phone while my wife and kids are spending time with her family over 5 thousand miles away . . . made it even more painful and part of my fixing things is dealing with the hurt and seeking out ideas anywhere I can find them . . . I still believe everything I wrote, just sorry if I rubbed salt into any wounds. I understand that my situation doesn’t exactly mirror everyone’s . . .
My life is falling apart. My husband and I decided to make a move to a new state. I got the job first. He encouraged me to go ahead and he would join me later. After living apart for 4 months, he has decided he needs more space and time to think about what he really wants. We have been married 29 years and I am devastated. I have been trying to do everything in my power to convince him to stay and move down with me. He insists he needs time to think about what he wants. How do you find the strength to let go? .
I’m currently going through some rather similar situations with my husband Eddie. We got married in Aug 2010 and had a beautiful baby girl soon after we got married. We have had our ups and downs in the past year until recently. I found out I was pregnant on Aug 17 2011 and on Aug 24 I found out we were expecting another little girl. 3 days later Eddie left me pregnant and alone with our older daughter to find work near Amarillo, Texas. The 3 months he was gone he would call me 5 times a day and say he loved me and would make sure I was ok. In my 8th month of pregnancy it was discovered that our unborn daughter was breech and once I told Eddie that he ordered me on couch duty. I tried to tell him everyday I loved and missed him, but somedays I was too tired not to even talk. On Nov 4 2011 at 3 am my water broke as I was getting up to go to the bathroom. I called my friend who lives 12 miles away and told her and she made me lay down until she got to my house. I called Eddie and told him I was going to the hospital because my water broke. Eddie was in a panic even through my hospital trip and going to see my OB doctor. My daughter was born 3 weeks early weighing 8 pounds 4 ounces. Eddie cried as soon as I got to my hospital room. He showed concern and was worried something was wrong with me and the baby because I had to under go an Emergency C-Section. While on the operating table my blood pressure and heart rate dropped. I never felt so alone with out Eddie, he was there when our older daughter was born and missed our new daughter’s birth. Since he’s been away he’s stated that he doesn’t love me like he used to. I know he’s been talking to a girl that lives in the same town that his mom lives in. He claims they are just friends, but I think there’s more to the story. It’s gotten to the point that he wants to file for a divorce and I want to try and make things work to where they used to be. I fell in love with him the very first day I met him and this is the longest we’ve ever been apart in our relationship. It’s gotten me so depressed because I miss him and love him more and more each day. How can I rebuild our relationship to where we were at one time? Any Advice?
Does anyone know of examples of couples completely recovered from emotional infidelity?
I am the hurt spouse, my wife has terminated her emotional affair, but I’m getting lots of “not in love with you anymore” talk. We are together still four months post revelation with tons of therapy and marriage counseling. No current discord; very pleasant, often fun times together. Kids don’t know. Married seemingly happily for more than ten years.
She says: “you’re a great husband, you’re a great Dad, you’re happy and more optimistic than you’ve been in years, you do well professionally, you’re even really attractive — I just am not attracted to you anymore and I cannot explain it.” Sort of like a steel rod to the head. I, on the other hand, am smitten with her, warts and all. I totally love and am in love with my wife.
I’m like Scott — totally committed to making this marriage work and have six different reasons why she’s so confused and tortured (which I keep to myself and my therapist; she doesn’t like to hear my theories of her feelings, who does?) — but at the end of the day, can she actually fall back in love with me again? I might be a dream husband and father — but if she’s tasted the forbidden fruit of illicit new love — how can I compete when I’m by definition not new? In a way, I feel it would have been better for her to have left, experienced the sociopathic fraud she fell for, miss me and rebuild from there.
I am giving it 12 months — until Thanksgiving 2012 — and if she’s not crazy about me by then, I think we amicably unwind this thing and do all we can to protect the children. I think we all deserve to have spouses who are in love with us. I had more than 15 years with a beautiful woman completely crazy about me and now I’m spoiled.
The book is, of course, “Where the Wild Things Are” and it is pertinent to the subject matter because sometimes we want someone to stay so bad that we will completely suffocate them in our effort to keep them.
I am not in love with my husband anymore, nor have I been for many years. After a couple of rounds of hurting him with my platonic replacements, I have asked him to leave. He has refused and challenged me to do this “final answer” thing. It is so scary to have that final answer be the wrong answer (especially when kids and finances are factors), that I keep giving in. He goes through motions of trying to be more present in the house and enjoy me and my kids more … but this usually only lasts about a week. I don’t know how to convince him that he needs to find himself. I am fair and cannot find logical reasons to put my foot down about him going. It is too painful to see my kids in the kind of pain they were in when I first asked him to leave and neither one of us make enough money to ensure our kids lifestyle alone. I keep trying to make attempts to understand him instead of judge him but just feel empty and trapped.
He’s trying to put on a good face but your indifference is wearing him down. You want him to “find himself” but he already has… he’s a devoted husband and father. Why are so many women bailing on perfectly good marriages? They go through the most difficult years of raising children and then, when it should be a time for the couple to reconnect with the newfound time they now have, they look outside the marriage for someone more “fun” or better looking. The grass is greener syndrome. I know at least a dozen good men that have been hit with this. Sad…
If that were true, my post would not exist. I hear your own pain and do not have any desire to argue with anyone else about my marraige. I think I am just lookng for some compassion and inspiration.
Carressa, I know it’s is painful for you as well and I’m sorry that you are struggling with this. I wish you and your family all the best.
crazy but i find myself in the same situation. my wife of 7 years hit me with the i love you, but am not in love with your thing about 8 months ago. we both went to counseling, individually for about 7 sessions and 2 as a couple. my sessions helped me tremendously, not with our relationship, but with finding self.
wife says it isn’t you, it is me and i want you to be happy. she is stressed at work, looking for a new job. we don’t have kids, i want and she isn’t sure about them. just 4 days ago she left and is now back, said she needed space and time.
i think i made a huge mistake when this started: i sent loving e-mails, notes and really sort of forced the love on her and it didn’t work. i think i really am starting to understand that the harder i push, the further she runs. we talked 2 days ago and said that we were going to work on it together and not alone. personally i feel i have to own my mistakes and she has to do the same. i look at it is life is rough at times and we need to focus on what brought us together and just relax – i think daily focus on it will make it end. any help would be appreciate.
It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of the situation. The first reaction is always to make it right be being more loving but that only makes them feel pressured. It’s the pursuit/distance dance and there has to be a balance in any relationship. And you are also correct that obsessing about it won’t help either. Take care of you and live your life in a positive way and let her figure things out on her own. All the best..
@ Brian: thanks man.
I am just most concerned because my wife is a stuffer and has been that way since i knew her. even with her family, she doesn’t communicate what is going on, just lets it build and then blurts it out. I on the other hand have no problem sitting down and having an adult conversation about real issues.
The other thing that gives me hope is that my wife and i have been through some very trying times early in our relationship/marriage that i would think most couples don’t have to deal with until late in their lives. This one trying time lasted about 1.5 years and it wasn’t a relationship issue, but a health issue that was very traumatic and trying, but we got through it together. that has forged an incredible bond with us and we care deeply for one another on an emotional level which is only adding to the pressure.
keepin the hope!!
My wife sat me down back in August and said she loves me but she wants to “kill the marriage to save the friendship” (my words, not hers.) Three weeks later we “celebrated” our 10th anniversary. At first I was devastated and an emotional mess (as I was when the other loves of my life bailed -there have been 3- loves , not wives) Then I realized it’s time to grow up and finally assume responsibility for the emotional unavailability I had put her thru. As well as all the others. I started therapy immediately. I came on strong with the flowers and cards and love notes on the bathroom mirror and love notes in her car and purse and refrigerator and laptop…yes…i overdid it. She said my gestures were nice but “they are just words now”.
So I pulled back the reins a bit. I’m working on myself and trying to learn why it is I look after my own needs first before giving of myself to others. She claims its over and that she doesnt really think she was in love with me ever becuz she doesnt feel like she knows what love is.
She wont kick me out. But I’m not leaving. I love her and have invested way too much of my life to just walk away from it. I get very frustrated often and want to bail, but I just can’t bring myself to sit down with our 8 & 11 year old daughters and say “Daddy is leaving”.
For the most part we are civil to each other. Not much fighting. We still respect each other. All the more reason to stay and work on it. We share the same bed but sex has been done for months now. Often times I lie awake at night just yearning for her to hold me. I stopped pursuing and for now have to be content with the quick pecks before leaving for work and going to sleep. I’m going to focus on the slow and steady and hope she finds herself while I look for myself.
After reading all the posts, I must say, my situation could be much worse. Life could always be much worse. That thought gets me thru.
My hopes and prayers to all others who are suffering.
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