Project Happily Ever After

78 Responses to “I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You”

1. Jodi Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 10:32 am

   That is from the book “Where the Wild Things Are”. Why did you put it here? Because you are saying don’t chase that spouse around which is what they were saying in the book….begging not to go, please stay, I will do anything!

   Love your blog. Love that you are talking about taking care of yourself. So, so so important.

2. Alisa Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 11:15 am

   Darn. I thought my little quiz was more difficult. I thought it would take at least an hour for someone to figure it out.

   I would only add that the mom lured Max “home” by leaving his dinner near his bed. The Wild Things scared him off by grasping and clinging and rolling their terrible eyes.

   So Jodi–you won. So soon. So many others will be so disappointed not to get the prize.

   Which is a surprise, btw.

   I’ll be in touch via email to find out where to mail it.

3. Jen Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 4:07 pm

   Fun post! And I don’t think saying “I love you” makes “I’m not in love with you” any less painful.

4. Kathy Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 8:48 pm

   We must all look for the positive in a negative situation. We may not see the positive at the beginning of a negative situation, but I know from experience there is a “silver lining” and “all things happen for a reason”.

5. Sugar Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 8:50 pm

   I initially started reading your blog to save my marriage. It didn’t work, but I still read it anyway. What you said is the exact thing I did. My husband left, I wallowed in my sorrow, then realized that I’d been through the worst part and survived. Then I moved on. It is live mourning a death. You are mourning the death of your marriage, and you have to give yourself the freedom to do that. Sounds simple, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He stole my youth, I wasn’t going to let him take the rest of my life. Once I accepted that my life wasn’t over, just different and that no matter what he said I know I am a good person deserving of love and acceptance he wasn’t willing to give me it made everything so much clearer. Also, the most helpful book was The Four Agreements. Everyone should read it, it’ll change your life.

6. Lynn Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 8:54 pm

   Love the post, Alisa and agree with you. If more people could follow your 12-step program, they wouldn’t NEED psychologists!

7. Beep Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 8:57 pm

   “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you” — so many women have told me they were hurt by this line. I think I’d slap anybody who said it to me. And when they tell you “It’s not you; it’s me” answer “I know.”

8. Gerald Weber Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 9:22 pm

   Darn, I was about to say where the wild things are but I see someone beat me to it! We used to read that book when we were little.

9. carrie Says:
   September 18th, 2009 at 9:53 pm

   Alisa- I lurk but this is my first comment. I have to push back just a little… Seriously, I know LOTS of couples where one of the spouses has said “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” I mean, most of my women friends are going thru that right now. When you have a house full of little children and a spouse who is over-tired and grouchy, it’s tough to be “in love.” I don’t think it’s bad to admit this. I do think it’s bad if a person sees it as the death knell. But lots of couples go through periods of not being IN love, but staying committed. I mean, you said you once planned your hubby’s funeral (thus this blog) so you yourself must have gone through a period of not being IN love, right? Part of it depends on how you define “IN love” – some people are purists and say that “in love” is relegated to the hearts and flowers and pitter-pats of early romance. Others may define it more loosely. But I know very few couples who have been married 10+ years (esp. if they have little kids) who are googly eyed anymore.

10. George Says:
    September 18th, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    No fair! Your post didn’t hit my email until 9:03 pm. WAAA! What gives. Ok. I’ll live, but I knew the answer. Its one of my favorites when I was a kid, and to read to my two boys.

    I am suffering from a similar problem. My wife will only have sex with me on average about once a month. She says if we were closer she’d be more attracted to me. Basically, I love you, but I’m not in love with you. This has been going on for 7 years and through two children. I am now sleeping on the couch and am seriously considering leaving her. I have been a good husband and father. I have tried everything. I hate to put my kids through this, but I will be unhappy on this pittance of lack-luster sex and that will affect them too. I am not tragic either, I am athletic, blond, blue eyed, and I am pretty much the same man she married physically and I have definitely grown in so many other ways. I wish she would appreciate me. But I know if she won’t, somebody else out there will. Especially in my age group of mid 40′s. Still… I would really love to save this marriage.

11. Kathy Says:
    September 18th, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    George, I’m just curious. Do you spend “time” with your wife, as in quality time? Just the two of you? Doing what you used to do when you fell in love with each other?

    I only ask, because I stuck a post-it note to my hubby’s computer that says “talk to your wife, you’ll get more”. (More meaning sex.) No, I don’t withhold sex. We just don’t spend any quality time together for me to feel the closeness to have sex (make love).

    For men, it’s visual. You see your wife looking nice, you’re interested in sex. For women, it’s emotional. I need to feel connected to my hubby mentally to get physical with him.

    I agree that being in an unhappy marriage isn’t good for kids. But if you can fix your marriage, it would be so much better than a divorce for your kids.

    I spent the first six years of my life with my parents fighting. I hated it. When my first marriage got to that point, I walked. I didn’t think it was healthy for my daughter. Especially, since she’d walk up to her dad at 2 years of age, kick him in the shins and call him a jerk, when he was yelling at me. (Gotta love a kid that sticks up for her mommy. LOL!!!) But it wasn’t healthy for her. And even after the divorce and we’d be talking on the phone, if he started getting nasty with me, I’d hear her in the background yelling at him to “be nice to my mommy” (she was living with him at the time).

    It’s a tough decision. But make sure you’ve done all that you can to repair/fix/mend your marriage before walking out the door. Just the suggestions from a gal that’s on her third marriage. I didn’t do so well in the “picking” department the first two times.

12. George Says:
    September 18th, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Yes and no. We have a 4 year old and a 6 old, so it is difficult. She gets separation anxiety when we are away from them too long. But I definitely make an effort. I have a lot of sisters, so I am definitely able to actually talk to her – I like women, not just from a sex standpoint. I enjoy their company, but it seems so many are their own worst enemies.

    Which brings up a point I am reluctant to put to my wife. She basically threw herself at me in the beginning of our relationship and was a bit loose before we were married-many sexual partners. How come I get held up to such a high standard now, when closeness was hardly the standard before marriage. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be close to my wife and actually think we are, but now I must be judged on a different standard.

13. George Says:
    September 18th, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    I need to clarify. Many sexual partners before we started DATING (not married). I am not a swinger and neither is she.

14. Kathy Says:
    September 19th, 2009 at 6:52 am

    I do get what you’re saying. Not being a therapist, but having lived and having my own issues, she may need to see someone. And if she’s about your age, then hormone levels should also be checked.

    When my hormones plummeted a few years ago, I was a mess – emotionally, physically, etc. And I was only 44 or 45. So it can happen earlier than we expect.

    I wish you well getting this worked out.

15. Alisa Bowman Says:
    September 19th, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Wow–I’m so impressed with the collective advice and help you are all offering one another. Such great spirit.

    I do want to correct one small misunderstanding that my “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” headline seems to have caused. This is the line that many people tell me their spouses say as they ask for a divorce. I’m in no way saying that most of us don’t all fall out of love a bit (i.e. lose that initial spark) during a long term marriage, especially once kids enter the picture. This entire post was about what to do when your spouse gives up on your marriage–and you can’t do anything to change your spouse’s mind. Was it a poor headline choice? I’m wondering how many others got confused by it.

    I think I might write another about the “in love with you” predicament, though, so thanks for those comments because they’ve given me some inspiration.

16. carrie Says:
    September 19th, 2009 at 8:20 am

    Alisa– Thanks for the clarification. I don’t think there was any problem with your headline (especially with the “AKA” statements below.) I just leapt into my own world (which happens to be inhabited by small, needy children and a grumpy spouse and dozens of friends in exactly the same boat.) I’d love for you to blog about the general “not in love with you (right now)” problem.

    I swear every coffee I’ve had with a girlfriend the past year or so has included a venting about “what the hell happened to that adorable, funny, sweet guy I married?” And, even though most men don’t seem to talk about their personal lives nearly as much as women, I have to wonder if our husbands are shaking their heads at the golf course saying, “Who kidnapped my cute, fun wife and replaced her with that exhausted barking shrew?”

    I have spent the past year trying to become hyper-self-aware about how I act/treat my spouse because, sadly, after four kids I really did become a fatigued, joyless b!tch… So, if you hooked me up to a lie detector and said, “Are you IN love with your husband?” Many days right now, I’d be in trouble. Yet, I love him from the bottom of my heart. Alas…. Please, please blog about this.

17. Kathy Says:
    September 19th, 2009 at 8:28 am

    Alisa, I totally got what you were talking about. As hard as a divorce is (I’ve been thru 2), there is light at the end of the tunnel. I read a great book earlier this year (if I remember correctly) that was all about recovering from trauma – divorce, major illness, loss of a loved one. It was about the Phoenix – the bird that comes from the ashes. Sorry, I suffer from severe CRS (can’t remember sh*t).

    And that’s what I got as your point of this blog – we do recover and life does go on and it can be a better life after we get thru our initial shock, pain, devastation, etc.

    Do I love my hubby? – yep. Am I “in love” with my hubby? – depends what day it is. LOL!!! Do I want to trade him in for a “better model”? – not on my life.

    But would I survive if everything changed tomorrow? – over time I would. And I know it wouldn’t be a “fun” experience. But I would end up stronger and changed and I would hope all for the better.

18. Linda Says:
    September 19th, 2009 at 8:34 am

    If the phrase “in love” means passion running high after several years and real life setting in, then, no, most of us are not “in love” any more. I have experienced the yearning for the undivided attention and staring deep into each other’s eyes. What I learned, which kept me from straying emotionally again, was to figure out what this new object of my affections represented to me. When the answer came up all that I used to feel about the spouse minus the daily grind and problems which had developed,
    I realized I needed to roll my sleeves up and try to get a de’tente going in my own relationship. I had time and emotion invested there with the dividend of a young daughter. She had to see that we were going to do a little tweaking to make things better. The unfortunate part of that was I was the only one who was interested in putting heads together to make any changes that we could both live with. Then my duty was to my daughter and myself to not beat a dead horse and move on.
    Yes, of course, one can be “in love” all their lives. One thing to keep in mind is that love has many stages and it is possible to go through them together if communication is kept alive. Each of you has to know when the stage changes for the other one. Personally, I couldn’t keep up the pace of new love forever! Sometimes we need a little down time.

19. Sam Says:
    September 19th, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    I think there’s a temptation to transform things into an “all” or “nothing” proposition. Either you’re in love with someone or you’re not. You love them or you don’t. It’s really more complicated. There are many nuances and factors. There may be a aspects of a partner’s personality you love and others that you don’t. And maybe even if you do love the person and feel in love it doesn’t work for some reason. So many possibilities.

    But at the end of the day, I think you’re absolutely spot on, Alisa. You can only worry about being the best person possible and hope the rest takes care of itself. Perhaps it’s animal or human nature but the more we’re cornered and pressured the more most of get our dander up and respond in an undesirable manner.

    All very interesting…

20. Kelly Says:
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:12 am

    Hi Alisa! I love how honest you are I think that it’s a good idea to find yourself even if you’re not in a bad marriage. I was reading this and noticing that there is a lot of stuff that I used to do, but no longer don’t. For example, I would relish the days where I could give myself a mani/pedi and do my hair. Now that I can, I don’t. I think that I’ve lost myself a bit as well. I should have kept the feeder out…

21. Jen Says:
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:55 am

    You are right on the money. I found myself in a similar position, albeit I was not married to him at the time, I am now. After about a year of dating he said, it’s not you, it’s me…I just need some time… I knew then that I was losing the man that was supposed to be my husband. I said, fine do what you need to do. I never asked a million questions or called him sobbing. I went on with my life. I took up running, got a dog, took long hot baths, read a lot and took great care of myself. We talked once in a while. I began dating other men again. After almost a year apart, he came to me and said I want to marry you and be with you forever. That was 12 years and 4 kids ago. Had I responded in any different way to the breakup, I’m sure we would not be together today. I found your sight, not because we are having marital problems, but because I believe in constantly learning and growing as a person and as a couple.

22. Robin Says:
    September 21st, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Wonderful post!

    I just have one argument regarding #9 – it should read I WILL get a massage. And I am not saying this because I’m a massage therapist. Okay, I am saying this because I’m a massage therapist. And get one anyway, regardless.

23. Linda Says:
    September 26th, 2009 at 9:08 am

    Robin, Good advice. There are so many health benefits to massage. My husband and I got them for years. He retired and their price went up. Poop! We stopped going. I miss it. It’s been years since we had one. Not that it made our marriage one way or another, just that it helped us each individually.

24. Cassandra L Says:
    September 27th, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    I just have to say, you have a really good way with words. I do not read many blogs. I would love to see a book written by you, if there isn’t one already! I think alot of these types of things can influence oher good things in the future.

    Thanks for blogging,
    Cassandra

25. Terry Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    I got the same talk from my wife the same day she said she was leaving for another guy. She doesn’t see the guy any more but is still hell bent on leaving because she has no “feelings” for me. She’s even gone so far as to say that she doesn’t want those feelings to come back.

    Needless to say I’m at a loss. I think the rush of positive vibes she got while in her affair can’t compare to our everyday mundane life with the kids. I’ve tried everything, but she’s adamant about leaving to “live independently”. Of course, she’s not turning around to look at the path of destruction she’s causing to me and the kids as long as SHE is happy.

    I’m glad to see other women on here who actually invest back in their marriages when they start seeing negative signs rather than running away.

26. william Says:
    October 3rd, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    hello all… and thank you! it is very difficult to put an “exclamation” at this time for me, in as much as i am experiencing the subject matter of this blog.

    and the thing is, and it is something that i didn’t hear in this dialog, is that… i did something in THIS MARRIAGE that i’d never done before and truly believed that it MADE ANY POSSIBILITY OF LOSING MY MARRIAGE IMPOSSIBLE. i joined my beloved through a Spiritual ceremony and it was our mutual Spirituality that lead us together… that together with the fact that we were in our late 40s convinced me that we had the life experience, maturity and Spiritual awareness that would keep our GREAT LOVE alive and growing… for the remainder of our days. but i was wrong. in fact, i have been told several times this exact quote from my sweetheart… she is for me, the love of my life… i have only grown in my love and desire for her; she? she says “i love you but i am no longer in love with you”… and she has ended our relationship and now denies that we were ever actually “married”! i must concur with those who have shared how important it is to NOT pursue with no sense of personal care. i made that mistake, believing that if i only were able to show her my GENUINE LOVE AND DEVOTION that it would help her to rediscover the Great Love she once truly had for me and us. i could not have been more mistaken, it has done exactly the opposite. for me, this is a living death, the worst possible situation i could experience in my life. to love someone with your whole being, and to have had that mutually expressed and believed; shared…and then to have that not only taken from you, but in a manner that essentially states “i never should have stayed, you wasted the time of my life” IS BRUTALLY CRUEL. it makes me doubt my ability to discern another woman’s true heart and integrity. i sincerely doubt that i will be able to genuinely trust a woman again now in my life, and that is very, very sad. thank you all and i wish each of you … happiness.

27. Sheila Says:
    October 8th, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    I have a question: for those of you who have experienced the “I love you, but I’m not in-love with you”…did you or your spouse still feel a spark when you kissed or did you feel nothing??

28. william Says:
    October 8th, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    hi Sheila/Everyone,

    it depends upon upon the “moment”. for me, i have my own passion for my beloved, but when i get that she is also passionate for me… it up’s the “ante” immeasurably! and this seems to vacillate depending upon how vulnerable either of us is able to be with one another. of course, that was now over a week ago, and our “kisses” continue to dwindle. i can only hope and pray that by setting her free, honestly… wishing her happiness and fulfillment in her life without me… that one day she will realize the depth of her own love for me… and come home to my heart. the question i have for you Sheila is: do YOU feel that spark? or does it appear to be gone in your relationship? good luck all.

29. Suzy Says:
    October 8th, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    I am wondering why a woman would say ” I never should have stayed, and you wasted time in my life. I have said those words, to the man I loved more than words. He was violent with me, 7 times, the police were called. I did not press charges. After a couple of years, I still loved him dearly, but had to leave. My heart was broken beyond anything I had ever experienced. I tried to forgive, but could not “get through it”. Or treat him well enough, I lost some respect and lived in some fear. You see I still love him dearly. But I know it was not healthy for me to stay and jump at noises, or foot steps that sounded angry, ( I could tell the difference) If there was a way I could trust that none of this would occur. I would love to continue the relationship. I believe as long as alcohol is in the picture it may never happen, And does a person stop this behavior? ever. Can I be safe with the man I truly love, I hear others stay through it all. All of it. I started to believe I was the cause of his out bursts. He has grown, but for him to live with me with my 17 yr, old that dreads him because he hurt his Mom. and he also had hopes of a step father. I am lonely but very busy. Still wondering if we could have a future, I know in my heart he still loves me as well. But has any one gotten thru violence and changed it. I am having a hard time forgiving him. Also he drank several times a week when we joined that I was in AA and very serious about recovery, and a long time sober) As he went into mild and severe depression,I didn’t know what to do. How to live with it, he would get help then stop. it was a real roller coaster ride. Most of it was from the alcohol, but one never knows with depression, how much is bio-chemical or the booze. I think I am hoping that he recover and we can be together. For now I am taking care of myself and my son, as I have drug him thru several relationships, that put a lot of stress on us both. My choelestral jumped form the stress and my heart started hurting, literally. The spark in our kisses were majic and not once did I not feel it down to my knees. So as I will always love and miss him. I know I can’t change him or make him sober. But I had the time of my life and if I never love again, I am grateful for the great love I experienced, even if it didn’t last a lifetime..

30. william Says:
    October 9th, 2009 at 12:05 am

    hello Suzy/hi everyone,

    i cried long and hard when i read your story. i hope that this site and others will provide you the answers you need. have you shared the depth of your feelings with your ex? do you think that he understands that you STILL TRULY LOVE HIM? or everything that you just shared with our group? because if not, you might be doing you both a great injustice. and, do you believe that he understands the significance of his past behavior and how much harm he caused you and your son…all of you? does he still behave this way? you mentioned that he’d grown, i wonder if he has stopped the violent behavior? and i do not wish to contribute to any pain, but i am also wondering if you believe that you have contributed to this dynamic you describe or is it really ALL YOUR partner’s fault/issues/problems? you mentioned biochemistry and that IS A BIG ISSUE as far as my awareness has produced… a huge factor in many troubled relationships/lives! lastly, i want you to know my heart goes out to you, that your heartfelt outpouring touched me deeply… and that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. i hope that the love that you both have had, and clearly still have so deeply for one another… can see all of you through to a healthy, happy future. my life has taught me that, if Holy Spirit is made welcome and allowed to lead, then all things are POSSIBLE. the very best of luck to you… “Suzy”.

31. Aaron Says:
    October 27th, 2009 at 6:10 am

    I just want to say that this blog really helped me. I felt like I was at a place of no-return. I looked over the blog and even sent a few of them to my XO(wife). I hope she gets encouragement from them. I feel very alone in my efforts to improve our marriage and make a better life for us all, but I don’t want to just up and leave. We have a blended family. The whole marriage was a package deal but I am doing my best. It is added pressure being in the military. Everyting is amplified X10. I do love my family were much but it don’t want to live with so much unhappiness.

32. JC Says:
    October 28th, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    I’ve really read a lot of the entries with a geat deal of interest…….Having been married for 20 years my wife sprung the “not in love” with you line on me ~4 months ago. She also told me that she had no feelings for me. There have been some defining moments in our relationship – most damaging was the termination of a pregnancy ~6 years ago. That is something that she indicates she may never get over. I myself feel a lot of guilt over the decision but understand that I will never feel what she feels. We have 3 kids, 17, 15 & 14. She also had an affair over the summer that I found out about in early August. Needless to say I was completely devastated. She is going to a therapist that insists she focus on “finding herself” and making herself happy after years of not being happy. She had indicated to me (4 months ago) that she had pretty much given up on our marriage ~7-8 years ago and was going to put all of her energy into our kids. I too had to start going to a therapist as I am a complete emotional wreck. We’ve always had some communication issues…yet had I known 7-8 years ago that her feelings were the way they were I certainly would have responded. I’m trying everything I can now to try to win her back….but it seems the harder I try the closer we get to ending it. I know our kids are at crucial ages…but one of them will be a Sr in HS or starting college for each of the next 6 years.. There will never be a good time to end it.. Our kids would be crushed as they are all pretty sensitive. ..I don’t want to end it but I’m not sure if she even has the desire to be open to trying again. She said she doesn’t want it to end…but I’m not convinced she really has the desire or will to try. She keeps saying I’m at “the place” now that she was 5 years ago….I understand that…but how we got to “the place” is completely different. I don’t want to give up hope…but have no idea what to do…

33. William Says:
    November 12th, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    hello JC; hello all… i only have a moment, but i wanted to offer you what i did and what i’ve been told by many is very important in the situation that we both found our selves in with our marriages and our wives.

    FIND THE LOVE INSIDE YOU TO LET HER GO AND SHOW THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY TRULY WISH FOR HER GREATER GOOD AND HAPPINESS. i realize that this takes a huge amount of personal sacrifice and the potential for a huge loss for you. but you’ve got to realize two things here:: one, if you genuinely love your wife, you honestly do want those things for her. two: you are going to loss her anyway unless something dramatically changes!

    actually three things, as i shared before in this site… miracles/growth occurs when Holy Spirit is actively invited into the relationship and is allowed to guide and lead everyone!

    i wish you all the best, all of you! remember to love yourselves completely and consistently. and… forgive your selves and one another! find a spiritual practice, it will help anything, and pray every day… all prayer is answered.

    sincerely, william

34. Ami Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    Hi everyone, I LOVE THIS BLOG!!!

    Anyway, I’m new and I love my husband, but I’m not in love with him. I really am starting to think that I don’t want to be either. He sent me flowers today… for the first time in 2.5 years, and only b/c i made the comment last week that he has never sent them to me…. but when i got them, I did not get a little leap in my heart or even any joy at all. I sneered at them. I think that I really do not like him at all. i just don’t know what to do, I’ve tried talking to him… and that in itself is like pulling teeth. I have to prompt him to even answer. I tried just about everything. I think I have finally hit that point of no return. I don’t like to kiss him, I actually wipe my mouth afterwards, and yes, I do it in front of him, horrible I know, but I can’t help it!!!! I’ve tried to be different, so much so, until I actually started to not like myself b/c i wasnt me anymore. WHAT TO DO!

35. Rowen Says:
    December 28th, 2009 at 10:45 am

    I’ve read most of the entries and found similarities with my situation but let me give you all things that has brought me to this point in my life. My wife and I just celebrated our 22nd anniversary. I most start out my story some 27 years ago when I was flying my helicopter and crashed leaving my spinal cord damaged. I haven’t had normal body function control since that time, which means erections weren’t always there. I meet my wife a few years later and with her being a nurse she understood and tried every way possible to help us have a good sex life. But about 5 years ago I started not putting forth the effort to have sex which eventually leads to no sex. After awhile I wanted to approach her but was afraid and thinking I didn’t know how to get things started again. I had also stopped smoking and had put on some pounds and in my own mind really didn’t feel she’d found me attractive. Next I got prostate cancer and had it radically removed. Then because my helicopter crash I had been using catheters for years to urinate but with the prostate removal it turned me incontinent, for which I returned to surgery to have an artificial spinker control implanted. After years of not having the intimate relationship with my wife I knew I wanted part of our relationship again, so I tried to initiate the time together but was rejected. I know I didn’t initiate it correctly or say the right things plus it had been a long time for me to now start showing interest in sex. I was told those words “I love you but not in love with you”. We’ve talked about her feeling and she’s told me the things I need to change ie. Better communications, spend more time together, and make her number one and being a loving husband. I’ve made that commitment and have started trying to do those things. The problem I have is she seems to not want to have any sexual contact with me. I can’t touch her sexually in any way without her saying don’t or just pulls away…I can’t even let me French kiss you. She says it’s not a natural kiss. It’s almost like she may enjoy it if she does anything or she’s betraying someone else. We had a great time on our vacation and I was able to touch once and she climaxed. But I didn’t feel she really wanted me. I tried a number of other times and she just no. She says it may take months for the love to return but I heart feels it’ll never want me come back..I want her in my life so bad but have a hard time with those hurting words “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. Please understand that I’m not putting our problems on her shoulders I have a large part in our difficulties. I’m having a hard time understanding if you’re NOT IN LOVE with someone why do you stay..Has she fallen or been in love with someone else and does have the courage just be honest with you..HELP me try to understand………..

36. MeMe Says:
    January 21st, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    To all who are experiencing the I Love You But I’m Not IN Love With You. I have experienced this pain firsthand and I will tell you it is the most cruel and painful thing anyone could ever experience from the person you loved. To give another person your complete trust, devotion, love and acceptance and then they reject you is torture for any soul. How can you trust another person after such an ordeal? They were able to weigh the good and the bad you offered them and the bad won over. How disheartening to know this. Was it truly love then? I say for the person being told they are no longer loved…yes it is love. Not for the other though. They do not understand what love is. They don’t understand that love is NOT a feeling. Love is a verb. People are so shallow today and believe that true love should be a bed of roses and easy but that is not real life. Communication and honesty about yourself and a willingness to change to meet another persons needs is what makes love. Respecting your partner and realizing they are human just like you and deserve to be treated with gentle care and understanding is paramount to a relationship. Would you treat your friends with disrespect or not honestly communicate with them? Why would you treat your spouse any less? This should be of great importance and yet the very person we made vows to is taken for granted and thrown by the wayside when a feeling is gone. How sad. I am glad I experienced what I did when the love of my life (at that time), my husband, told me that he wasn’t “IN LOVE” with me any more. Yes…it was devastating because we had been through so much together in the five short years of our marriage and I thought we could make it through anything because of all that. I was wrong. Through it all, I know who I am and I am proud of myself. It took me some time to get over the loss of the person I loved but I know that seven years later he regrets his decision to leave me and his children. I don’t blame him completely for the dissolution of the marriage. I realize today that I had some flaws in my character that were too much for him to deal with at that time but the problem is he never told me. He just assumed that I should know and change. That is not respect and it is definitely not being a loving spouse. Talk to your spouse if they are doing something wrong that is affecting you in a negative way. Work it out together. You can’t have a RELATIONship if you don’t have honest communication.

37. Amanda Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    There was no confusion to me about the title of your post. I would be crushed if my husband ever told me that he loved me , but was not in love with me. What the h*ll does that even mean?? Yes I agree that day to day life can swallow us up and we might not display affection and such as much, but if you really feel you are not “in love” with your spouse, it is a huge danger signal and needs to be addressed immediately. In my opinion, this is not part of a healthy marriage but a sign that something needs to be repaired before the marriage collapses.

    Yes there are times that I have not felt “in love” with my husband (like when we’re having a huge fight) but regardless of how I felt at that moment, I have never doubted that I love and am IN love with my husband.

38. Ami Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Wanted to follow up…
    My husband and I finally “had it out”. Truly, it’s been a very long time coming. And I have to say that it was the best thing that could have happened to us. I am in love with him, like him, and even enjoy his company again. Thanks for all of the advice. From experience, I will say that if you both work at it and put the bitterness behind you, it’s worth it in the long run. =) Good luck to ALL!

39. Alisa Bowman Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Ami–I’m so happy for you both! Glad everything is improving!
    Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Oddest Communication Advice You’ll Ever Read

40. eve Says:
    February 27th, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    *sigh* I was really glad to read the blogs from people who have fallen out of love in their marriage, but still feel so many other emotional ties to their spouse that they cannot imagine leaving them….that is the way i feel. And I also care for and respect him so much, that I cannot bear to put him through the pain of me leaving him, and also there is of course the kids…i have not even told him i am “out of love” for fear of his reaction, but sometimes I think he senses something is off. Most days I am in a good enough mood that I can ‘put on a good show’, but somedays it just gets to me badly that the passion is gone and that is when my fading interest shows.

    A couple people have suggested that love is not a feeling, its a verb, its work its action, etc. I think that the english language is just really limited in its ability to offer us the right words to define these different types of love. A pastor friend of mine explained to me that in the Greek language, there are actually 4 words that they use for what we would, in English, describe as love. He described one word as meaning the early, lustful, exciting stage of love. Another being our definintion of “true love” the deep, unwaivering, ‘for better or worse’ kind. Another being the kind of love people have for animals or objects and yet another that I cant remember right now! The point is, I DO think love is a FEELING, but you have to take action (verb!) to keep it alive and recognize that the feeling may have phases, or may die, no matter what you do.

    I am in a new phase of trying to resucitate my love for my husband….I want to have the lusty love AND the true love. Wish me luck!

41. eve Says:
    February 27th, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    BTW, anyone please tell me if they lost the passion in their marriage, but got it back again…how long to I keep trying and waiting? that is what I am most afraid of: remainder of my lifetime without passion!

    More power to people who say they dont need it and are happy to just have a good provider and friend in their spouse, but I am not fooling myself. I love good sex and feeling sexy and I love when I feel like its taking every ounce of me not to rip a guys clothes off and go crazy…and then even better is the feeling when you actually do it!

    But the WORST is trying to FAKE that, which is about where I am at now, and I just cant figure out why….hes perfect, he spoils me, he provides, he dreams, hes the best dad, hes cute, athletic, funny, charming, girls love him! they hit on him/tell me how lucky I am all the time…why cant I feel it?

    (Sorry to monopoloize the blog!)

42. Kirk Says:
    March 7th, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Ok…so I happened upon your blog strictly by chance & am glad to hear I’m not alone. First of all – I’m involved in a year long committed relationship w/ a woman that I’ve known for 25+ years. We drifted apart after school where we were only friends, she had her failed marriage & I had mine. The sum result was 3 great kids…who all get along very well @ this point in time. We re-connected on Facebook & we had instant chemistry when we first laid eyes on one another after so long. We’ve had the usual ups & downs in our first year together, but when things are good, which is 95% of the time…they are GREAT!! Mainly I attribute this to the fact that we communicate very well together, or so I thought….

    Just yesterday I got the, “I love you, but I’m not sure I’m IN love with you” – completely out of the blue. Her reasoning behind that statement is two-fold. First – she claims she’s having a hard time picturing a future w/ me, which also came from left field. Second – during the past few weeks we haven’t seen much of each other as we don’t live together, work has been crazy, there’s been things going on w/ the kids, etc….you know, real life. All the while she claims she hasn’t missed me during that time nor was she looking forward to seeing me this weekend which made her question her feelings.

    We had a great weekend planned w/ all kinds of romantic goodness, dinners, massages, etc & a family birthday dinner for her brother as well. All of which is now down the tubes, for me, because she wants to “take a break” & “figure some things out”. The caveat is that she got a new IUD ~2 months ago and she’s had a lot of problems w/ it. I’m under the firm belief that it’s the hormones being released from that stupid thing that’re altering her feelings. She says I’m making excuses…grrrr!!

    Now, I’ve been around the block a time or three…enough to know anyways that no good usually comes from the words, “take a break” & “figure some things out”. Here’s the kicker, I’m head over heels in love with this woman & believe that she is my soulmate. Yes, we got along that well…the connection we had was AMAZING!! It is truely unlike any other relationship I’ve ever had & I would really hate to lose it. The thing that kills me is that I know I can’t do anything to change her mind. Nor do I think I should try to reason w/ her for fear of making matters worse or her shutting down completely. I guess its like the old adages…if you chase someone, they will run farther & faster from you. However, if you love someone set them free & if they come back, it was meant to be. Its just the not knowing that really truely stinks.

    Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

43. Ray Says:
    April 20th, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Last July, my world as I knew it came crashing down when my wife of 14 years told me she no longer loved me, was in an affair and was now in love with another man. I never thought my kind loving wife would be even able to think about this let alone actually do it so I was totally blindsided. We then went through a period where she was able to tell me why she had done this horrible thing and that my behavior over the past 2 years was responsible. She never once hinted to me that our marriage was in trouble and never told me I was getting a second chance during this terrible period of our lives. Of course, I never had a chance to fix the problems she said forced her to do what she had done. She then proceeded to move out and has filed for a divorce, totally devastating me and our 6 year old Daughter.
    It has now been 10 months since she moved out…she continues to insist she is now in love with this other man and that too much has happened for her to even consider giving us a real second chance. She will not acknowledge that her relationship is clouding her judgement…too much water has gone under the bridge is her constant comment. I have tried to no avail to tell her that she has taken the easy road and to try to fix our marriage before changing our Daughter’s life forever would be the hard thing to do. I have forgiven her and still love her but she cannot find it in her heart to forgive me and try to do something that may not even work. I feel strongly that our Daughter alone deserves for her parents to try everything before making a life changing decision. My wife says she loves our Daughter and would do anything for her but she will not even consider the one thing that could make our Daughter whole again. I think this is the one thing that I cannot understand…how can you say on one hand that you would do anything for your Daughter and on the other not do the one thing that your Daughter deserves most.
    I have done a lot of soul searching and know that I am now a better man than she maybe even deserves now. I just want a chance to show her that maybe we can be happy again, maybe it’s not too late and maybe, just maybe, we can be a happy family again and she can find the love we once had.

    Any help here would be greatly appreciated

44. George Says:
    April 23rd, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    2 months ago, I heard those words from my Wife. “I Love you, but I’m not In Love with you”. My world has been turned upside down. We have been married 15 years, and have 2 kids, 14 and 10. The kids are devastated. She has since left us. It all started 10 months ago when she went to a high school reunion and met up with a bunch of old friends including an old boy friend. She convinced me to have him and his wife and kids over for dinner and cards. This got to be a monthly occurance. Well I believe she fell for him again, because he told her what she wanted to hear and pumped her up and made her feel special. The stuff that doesn’t last long in a relationship. I think she regrets breaking up with him 26 years ago, and thinks she can go back to her past and correct things. She wants to act single again, and go out and party with all of her high school friends and have no responsibility. Please help me understand this if you can.

45. Shawn Says:
    May 26th, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    Same here…it was a real shock as the first 25 years were AMAZING! The last 5 had some stressors–I forced a relocation on her in June 06 (just 80 miles south), then started a business against her wishes, then she had a brother pass away, a father, and a mother…bam, bam, bam, bam (in 3 yrs). We had been together 30 years and seemed like the perfect couple, but she moved out on Jan 10–with that CRUSHING phrase ” I love you, but am not in love with you and I have never been able to find ME–always “Shawn’s wife, Bethany & Mary’s Mother, Dot’s Daughter”. WOW what a tailspin. Great advice here. I am just trying to support her decision, because that is what I NUST do as a bestfriend and a person who has HER BEST interest at heart–even if it goes against my wishes. Yes, immense pain, still this minute, but like all things–it must be managed. Some things just have no ryme or reason.

46. Selina Says:
    May 26th, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    My friend sends me links to your blog and I have read them each time, but never read the comments that follow. I have minimal advice to offer as I feel that at 24 years old, even though I have had serious long term (and crappy) relationships, I have a lot to learn in love and life still.
    I felt compelled to comment on this blog after reading what other readers have written. I am amazed at the stories I have read and the willingness of each and every one of you to share your story. I am currently engaged to ‘the love of my life’ and I constantly think, once we get through this (whatever crap situation it is at the time) we will be ok. But in reality, that is not the case. Judging from everyone’s experiences above, there will always be something going on – big or small!
    My heart breaks for those that are going through such things right now or have been in the past. Reading this blog and comments has opened my eyes a little more, and I hope that everyone on here has been able to get what they need from this site. Alisa, it seems you are doing a great thing here – keep it up!

47. Drummer Guy Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 11:34 am

    @ Kirk. Do you still read this? I noticed you commented a few months ago. If so I have an idea that may be helpful.

48. Drummer Guy Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 11:47 am

    @ Ray,George. Same question Do you still read these. I read all your comments & can’t begin to imagine the pain you must be going through. I hope & pray that you each are doing better. But since all the stories seem similar you may all be facing this for the same reasons. Alisa has a great way of explaining it where Love & Lust get seriously confused. I would be glad to expound if you still read these. My best to you all.

49. George Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Hi Drummer Boy, Yes I still read these. It has been hard. 3 months now. For someone who is doing what she wants to do, I seem to be the one that is getting hurt in every aspect. Now she wants be to buy her out of the house and wants exactly half of the value when I can’t afford to give her exactly half. You would think she would just take the offer and run if that’s what she wants.

50. Drummer Guy Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    @ George.. I can’t imagine the heartbreak you must be going through. I read your comments along with a couple of others who have similar things happening. Very sad. It sounds like in your particular case part of it is your wife is trying to recapture her youth. I myself remember going to my high school reunion & sure enough my old H S sweetheart was there. Yes my heart did go pitter patter. It’s normal. I even dug up the old annuals reminised on “the good old days” but I also don’t act on impulse so it never went anywhere.

    What I was talking about in these cases & I see it over & over again from co-workers & people I know & probably what your wife is going through is the mistaking the love for lust idea. What I mean by that is when we start a new relationship there is always that intense feeling we all get in large driven by lust just as much as love. It is largely a chemical reaction that we all have in the beginning. The sex is intense, the emotions are intense & we have the whole newness of a relationship. The beginning of any relationship is an amazing experience. Well after time that begins to fade as the realities of life, raising kids etc set in. Many don’t realize that is a normal life process & start thinking the well I love him/her but am not in love with him/her. We start to crave those feelings that we had earlier with our spouse. What she needs to realize is that the love has just matured into reality & is sustainable long term. Lust is not.

    Soon another person comes along and we start to have those feeling that we had early in our marriage. It becomes all about fantasy & we start thinking wow I am in love again. There is no reality in this. We are craving that lust fix we all had and a new relationship provides that. She will probably learn that soon the exact same thing is going to happen. Sure it’s all fun at first because it is new, exciting & adventurous. But it is fantasy. But after a while the exact same thing happens..LIFE! Those feeling will soon fade as the realities of mundane life set in. Those feeling that were there in the beginning will be gone & she will have devistated the one who developed a mature, realistic love for her.

    Now I have no idea how to make her realize this but hope some insight may help you. I really hate to see anyone throw away a good marriage for fantasy. I see it all to often though. It is incredibly self centered & devestates anybody involved as it will her someday. Also she may want to keep in mind that this “love dude” she is seeing now is cheating on his wife as well. If he will do it with her. He will do it to her.

    You may protect yourself with a good lawyer. Check your state law. In some states if the spouse leaves for another man/woman & leaves the house she/he forfits all legal claim to the house or any equity in it. You may have to go into protect yourself & kids mode. If not you could lose your home & have to sell it to give her half the equity. I know that would be tough & hurtful but if she is so blinded by this she apparently already doesn’t care how it hurts you & won’t hesitate to do it to you. I do hope that isn’t the case but you will have to think about it. Anyway I do hope things will work out for you & wish you the best.
    Many Blessings.

51. lezel Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Hi aLISA,thanks for this wonderful blog,.after i read this,.it really help me to deeply think what would be the best thing that “i can do” with my life,even it’s hard for me to say this,”What will be the best thing i can do,to still save my marriage”.Alisa,when i set back and recall all the things what my husband did to me,with all the painful words,betrayed me,cheat on me,and mauled me,I know he don’t deserve any chances even once,but because of the words “MARRIAGE”,in my case i really don’t know what marriage all about or what it’s all means…Alisa,when he first mauled me and talk a lot of bad things that is very painful for me as a person,specially when he always talk bad things to other people against me like”My Wife is a Little Whore”my wife is like this like that,..etc.and i ask myself can i take this?and i say”I don’t know,and untill when and how long i can take this,.but in other hand,.i told myself,it’s just OK and give it a try and maybe this time little bit harder,but things gets more worst and worst,.because i caught him with his girl they are both NAKED,and this is the most worst thing happen in my life and in our relationship,but I’m a dumb fool because i still forgive him.Even all people around me even my family advice me that,the best things of all i can do is to leave him for good because his a piece of SHIT.But despite of all people said,i still want to believe to what he said”that he loves me”but when i think about all the things he did,.I really hate myself because of still hoping that he did,but with his action right now,treat me so badly,.we don’t have sexual relation,.even it was so shameful and it was really smash in my face what his doing every time i do the moves and he just push me away,.IN all this things that happen to us IN OUR marriage life,.Is it still deserve to go on?because as of now i really don’t know what to do,and i’m really into the point of your blog that,
    “Finding yourself will still lead you to a better place—a place where you can be happy with your spouse in your life or not. Either way, becoming a better, stronger, more independent person is a good thing. It gets you to a better place.”
    Until now we still leaving together but i’m not sleeping in our bed anymore i’m sleeping next room,and as of now i don’t know what i felt for him anymore.I’m in the stage of asking myself what i want with my life and what is the best for us…i hope reading more your blogs and read other people experience maybe it helps me to fine BEST ANSWER AND SOLUTION.

52. lezel Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    ONCE AGAIN,THANK YOU AND MORE POWER TO ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU WILL DO IN THE FUTURE.GOD BLESS.

53. Drummer Guy Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    @ lezel. Try asking yourself this. Does he show me he loves me? It is easy for anybody to say the words. It would be easy for me to say I am the king of England. That doesn’t make it so. I tell my beloved daily that I love her. I can’t just say the words though if I don’t DEMONSTRATE love toward her in action & deed. Abuse is not about love it is about control. I was once (& I have NEVER admited this on here) abused by a girlfriend prior to meeting my wonderful wife. She could say it all she wanted but her actions told me otherwise & I got out the first time she became physical. Prior to that it was verbal. I probably heard some of the same things you do.

    I worked on myself & realized I deserved much better. I am a good guy with a lot to offer & soon met a wonderful woman. We both demonstrate daily our deep love for each other. Not telling anybody to leave their spouse but abuse almost never gets better. I was also once a cop (VERY MANY YEARS AGO in the military lol). In every case I saw on base it only got worse & once resulted in the wife shooting the husband because he suposedly “looked” at a waitress. Please protect yourself & learn how valuable you as a person are. Best of luck.

54. lezel Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Thanks for the advice Mr.Drummer Guy,i really appreciate this..i will work it out asking myself that question.thank you.

55. Amy Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Ok i hope i di dnot find this Blog to late.. me and my husband have been separted off and on for about 11 months.. and when i say on and off i mean the living together part..he left in July 09, i lost our house in sep. 09 and moved in with him at his moms for a about 3 weeks. then left again and di dnot come back till Jan, 2010.. i left again in Fed. 2010.. i now have my own place and not needing to stay with him any longer. so on to my story..we have 3 boys 3,6,8yrs….we have been together 10 yrs but married only 5yrs… i am the pretty much the reason why all we did was fight. i never wanted to have sex after our children were born, i never wanted to clean & do laundry, i took advantage of him.. but on the other hand he never romanced me,showed me that he loved me… i have done all the wrong things to try and get him back. i have begged,stalked,harassed, u name it i have prolly done it. i now realize that i am doing the worng things to show him i do love and care for him i now understand what i have done wrong and i am willing to change those things and have started.. i now go to counsling, i clean my house by myself( that is a big improvement..) i am working on losing weight ( so i feel better about myself, he did not care about the weight, and he still says that doe snot matter but it does to me.) he now tells me that he does not want to come home cause he is tired of the fighting and he knows that it will not stop, he says it may change for a month or so but then he thinks our life will go back to the way it was. but i know now that marriage is a give & take thing. i didn’t then. i wanted him to give give give but i would never give to him…so i have decided to back off and just take it one day at a time.. but i am not sure if iam holding on to something that will never work. I LOVE my husband very much and i just wish he would see that i know what i di dwas worng and this was a BIG EYEOPENER for me.. and i have taken the steps to change…

56. Bern Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    There are some really tough stories here, and easy to see the pain many in this blog community are going through. Ray, George and all the others who are going through this very painful time I can only reinforce what Drummer Guy had to say. In my own case I never even heard the words “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”, all I was told was that all her unhappiness was because of me, she’d felt like this for years, and she didn’t want to discuss it, try to work it out, etc, etc. Now, I’m as imperfect as the next person, and over 21 years together I know I made mistakes, could have and should have done some things differently and so on, but basically believe that I’m essentially a good person and loved her unconditionally. I also had to factor in that she is emotionally immature (it’s like relating to an 18 year old) and has an unrealistic perception of what life and relationships are actually like.

    However, I agree that you cannot make the other person stay if they don’t want to, and in fact pressurising them just pushes them away faster. In my case what worked to help me move on was to begin thinking of her as irrelevant – not totally ignoring her, but thinking of it as dealing with a business colleague; be polite but also be firm and protect yourself and your children first and foremost, so if that means freezing assets, seeking custody or whatever then do it. You can have no expectation of rational or reasonable behaviour from the other person, so you need to do what’s best for you and your children. There will be a whole bunch of logistical and financial decisions you need to make and it’s important to be fair but also not disadvantage yourself. Believe me, it’s tough, really tough, but it helped me come out the other side.

    Ultimately love is a decision, and many of those people who want to end relationships are confusing lust or infatuation with love. Also, it’s important to accept in yourself that you have no control over another persons thoughts or actions and you can’t make them love you. So, if they choose to go, you will need to come to terms with that for your own sanity and happiness. You can still love them, but you will still need to let them go if they want to.

    Interestingly, once I came to terms with it and did the things I’ve described above, even though we are divorced I suspect by her current actions that she may have times where she realises that her decision to break up the family and end our marriage were not some of her better ones.

    Good wishes to you all!

57. Alisa Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    Lezel and Amy–I’m glad you both found this blog and the community here. I think you will find that one of the best aspects of being here are the other supportive commenters. Please feel safe, welcome, accepted and loved by us. We’re here for you. Hang in there.

58. Drummer Guy Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    Well stated Bern. Sorry to hear your ex may have found out these things so late. Maybe it could be fixed but that is a decision that is between you & her. I will pray for your happiness & well being. Like Alisa said this is a wonderful place to share your thoughts & get support from what I have learned is a really nice community. I am in a stable marriage & married to a wonderful wife. I am indeed blessed. Not to quote scripture as we have many faiths represented here, but as Solomon said a loving wife is more precious than pearls (paraphrased) The reason I first stated coming here was a google a search on some topic. I forget what it even was now. Senior moment I guess lol. I am always looking for ways to grow and be the best husband I can be for my beloved. Even in a good relationship growth is beneficial. The people here have been wonderful & always provide some great insight. I think now when I don’t get my phea fix I have withdrawls lol
    @ lezel. Your very welcome. My best to you as well.

59. Ray Says:
    May 30th, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Hey Drummer Guy, Yes, I still read this daily and appreciate the fact that someone has asked. I am still in the fight of my life and recently my wife asked a question that seemed to sum up what I have been telling her for some time. She has always said that her current relationship has no bearing on us, that she would still be doing what she is doing even if she was not involved with someone else. I, of course have told her this is nonsense, that she cannot say that as it is a reality. In an email recently, she asked why she should take a chance on on me again for something that may not work when she has found someone she feels will help her grow as a woman and Mother. I told her that the answer to that was a no brainer…she should take a chance because I am her husband and we have a Daughter that deserves her parents to do everything they can to make a marriage work. I do not want my Daughter growing up thinking when things get tough it’s OK to walk away. Family means everything to me. I am not sure it would work even if she tried but I know deep in my heart who I have become in this terrible time of my life. I have never given up on anything in my life..why should I start now??? I know I am worth the chance and I know our family is worth it too.

60. Drummer Guy Says:
    May 31st, 2010 at 7:28 am

    Ray so sorry to hear what is going on. I can almost feel the pain that is present. It is even further compounded by a child caught in the middle. Yes your daughter could learn some horrible examples & it could come down to protecting her. I sincerely hope & pray for a good outcome. It seems so often that people act on emotion & impulse when the whole newness/lust thing rears it’s ugly head. However they are acting on a fantasy that can not be sustained long term. It’s terribly impulsive & self centered. Of course everybody thinks they are the exception & it must be true love. They justify it by quoting how they deserve to be happy,oblivious to or not caring about the damage they do & they people hurt. I wrote another post on this page about the whole love vs lust when people meet somebody new & it seems to be so true. Read it & see if it applies. I do hope she will realize it before a family is so hurt by impulsive actions. Otherwise she will be destined to repeat this when the lust wears off & the realities of a mundane real life with the new lust fix set in. My best to you & your family.

61. fay Says:
    May 31st, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    10 months ago I filed for divorce from my husband of 23 years. His response? Was ALL the wrong things. He begged, whined, threatened and badgered the life out of me. I moved in with my mom briefly and then got my own apt. I left him keep our house and a lot of property. You see? that was part of the problem. Almost his entire family lives on connected property out in the country. It was like he never got married. His parents and siblings came ahead of me and our two children EVERY SINGLE time hands down. We’d been through counseling on and off throughout the years with little long lasting results. I’m NOT high maintenance in the least, but I never mattered to him. Our children are 22 and 18 and they say when they were little is was always them and I together, dad wasn’t along.
    As if this were not bad enough he had an emotional affair at the very least of long duration with a woman he worked with.
    He also stopped initiating sex over eight years ago, I was 37
    He didn’t stop looking at online porn though.
    I’m sorry, I quit. I wasted far too many years in that relationship and the only good thing? I have two great kids.
    Since leaving I began an affair with a much older married man. Wrong I know, but the human touch sure is nice again.

62. Drummer Guy Says:
    May 31st, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    @ Fay. Wow your story was exactly like a friend of mine & my beloved. She also had a husband that put a home on the parent’s property & put that family first at the neglect of his own. His mom did everything she could to poisen the whole family against the wife. He was an only son & could have married Mother Teresa & his mom would have called her every name in the book lol. The sad part is she was a wonderful lady a good wife & a good mother to their kids. Sound familier? He did eventually realize it. Move away from mom & repair everything but it took a couple of years. But they are a happy couple now. I hope you can find happiness in whatever direction you go. You will find this blog a supportive, helpful community. I stumbled on it a couple of months back on a google search on some topic. I don’t even remember what it was. I am in a strong marriage (not perfect but I haven’t seen a perfect one in my life lol) but really find this sight helpful. Welcome & best of luck.

63. ralph Says:
    June 29th, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    hi mamn, i have met a girl we have been together for 6 mths now. i fell in love with this girl in about 3mth time frame, not sex related. i told her i was falling in love with this lady, her person. but it took some time she would never say i love you consitantly,
    and stil doesn’t, but this phrase has come out. can you explain please.

64. Michelle Says:
    July 19th, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Ok…I have read almost all of these posts and see most have been on the receiving end of “I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You”. I hope to not get bombarded about this, but I am a giver of this phrase. I just recently said this to my husband of nearly 21 years. It took me several months to come clean, so-to-speak, he knew there was something wrong, but couldn’t put his finger on it. It was very hard for me to say this to him. I truly love this man and want, desire, need to find a way to fix the “not in love with you” part of our marriage. I have sent him a link to this page as to encourage him to stick it out with me. I don’t want a divorce, I want to be “IN LOVE” again. I find this blog to be very encouraging and hope to have a happy ending to post…sometime soon. We have 4 children together, 18, 16, 15, & 13. Yes, they know something is up, but we haven’t told them what it is, as we want to work it out before anyone gets hurt.

    A question I saw of what does it mean to love, but not to be in love? I feel a love for my husband as if he were a close friend. I just don’t feel the lust, longing, wanting for him as you should with a spouse. It’s really hard to explain.

    Thanks for all the posts here.

65. Drummer Guy Says:
    July 19th, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Welcome Michelle. No nobody will bombard you This is a supportive community dedicated to making marriage work. You have taken a big step in addressing your feelings. From my experience what you are feeling is pretty normal. Every marriage goes through such phases. When any relationship starts the feelings are pretty intense. The whole love/lust dynamic is there. After time with raising kids, financial priorities, household duties & just life in general those feelings wain & it should develop into a more mature sustainable long term bond.

    It can at times start to feel like we became friends but forgot to be lovers. But I personally think many people mistake that for “I must not be IN LOVE”. But most are they just have a difficult time dealing with the loss of the feelings that were part of the early relationship. With some this can happen in a few years time & with other 15-30 years latter. Also it is just normal for long term relationships & marriage to go through various phases & up’s & downs in the feelings department.

    The good news is you have taken an important step in the right direction. Aknowledge their is a problem & take action to resolve it. Perhaps you just need to start doing the things you both did before the kids & life came along. Have date nights without the pressures of kids & home around. You may just need to get reaquanted with your husband & he with his wife. It is easy to loose touch over time & the pressures that is life.

    Add to that people change over time. We all do & we can feel like “they aren’t the person I feel in love with”. Many people use that as a mantra to leave. Truth is everybody changes over the years & they really aren’t the man/woman we feel in love with. My beloved is not the same woman I feel in love with nor am I the same man. We just took the view of “I get to fall in love with somebody new every 10 years or so”……lol Over time people should change, grow & mature. Know that you are on the right path & have people here who are loving and supportive. You may want to post a comment on a new topic as many may not see this one since it is an older post. Just click on Blog at the top left of the page & comment on the newest post. That way everybody can see. Welcome & best of luck.
    Ron

66. Alisa Says:
    July 19th, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Michelle–I think Drummer Guy speaks many words of wisdom. Lust is often something we feel for relative strangers. Once you really get to know someone and develop a sense of trust and safety, some of that excitement wears off. That doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy sex, though. It just means that you might not feel swept off your feet. Does that make sense?

67. Bern Says:
    July 19th, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    It’s great to have some new posts on this topic as it’s such a pivotal one to probably most marriages, and welcome Michelle. Thanks for giving the other perspective, as you’re right – most of the posts are from the receiving end. Drummer Guy has summed it up perfectly; all relationships go through 4 distinct stages (attraction, infatuation/lust, power struggle and mature love), and frankly it wouldn’t be normal not to go through these – it’s just part of being human. The kicker is that couples often don’t go through these stages at the same time, or for the same length of time, so what you’re feeling may be different to what your husband is feeling right now.

    What I read into your post and what was most encouraging is that you can recognise your feelings, but you have the COMMITMENT to do something about it, and that is the most crucial thing – being committed to your marriage and the desire to find a way through this rocky patch. I was also one of the people on the other end of a marriage where my wife didn’t even want to try (and shows signs from time to time of regretting that, but can’t even be honest enough to acknowledge it to herself, let alone communicate with me about it), so you are at a place where you can make things happen! Remember, your husband is not responsible for your happiness – YOU are (and he is responsible for his), so it’s finding a way to bring back the joy, lust, love, and everything else FOR YOURSELF within the marriage, because there are so many stories in these blogs about people who have discovered too late that the happiness is not to be found ‘out there’, but inside you.

    Lastly, there are lots of good books you can read, and some of the other contributors may be able to help with some titles, but a few I’ve read or remember are;
    ‘Getting the love you want’ – Harville Hendrix
    ‘Receiving love’ – Harville Hendrix
    ‘The five love languages’ – sorry, can’t remember
    ‘Divorce Busting’ – Michelle somebody

    Plus a couple of websites – one by a lady called Nancy Wasson and another one by Mort Fertel (they have free newsletters you can subscribe to)

    Hope some of this helps and we’re all pulling for you!

68. Michelle Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Thanks so much for all the support. I took a week, by myself, away from the world, to sort my thoughts, and can’t wait to get home and start living a new life with my husband. This just might not take as long as I thought (falling back in LOVE with my soul-mate…). I will keep you all posted.

69. Drummer Guy Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    That’s GREAT news Michelle. Always great to hear from people working through things & focusing on making a marriage work. Do check in on this wonderful group from time to time. It is such a supportive community. Here you have found a community dedicated to marriage & the joyful journey it can be. What a refreshing thing in today’s world. Alisa has some great insights, advice & her topics are really thought provoking . Enjoy your rediscovery. Hey it sounds like it’s gonna be fun…..LOL

70. Angel Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    My husband recently told me this…just a couple of days ago, in fact. I knew that there was something wrong for months, but he kept telling me that it was all in my head. Now, he says that he just didn’t want it to be true. He also told me that he doesn’t want a divorce, but he doesn’t know if it’s possible to change how he feels. And simply put, how is feels about me, is not much of anything, anymore. I caught him having intensly sexual text conversations with one of his female friends, and sending romantic texts to his ex. This is my second marriage, and I love this man more than I ever imagined was possible. My whole life, and everything in me, is completely invested in “Us”. He agreed, today, to try to make it work, but doesn’t seem like he holds much hope for us. He is not sexually attracted to me at all, anymore, even though I’ve done everything that I can think of to reclaim his attention. He isn’t sure that he wants me, and our life together, anymore – but he also doesn’t want me to leave. I don’t know what to do…I feel as though my whole world is falling apart. We don’t have any children together, but I have one son from a previous marriage, who lives with his father, but is currently visiting us. So, of course, we’re trying to act as normal as possible for his sake. I know that we can reclaim the connection that we used to share, but only if his heart is completely in it, as well. However, he feels as though he can’t talk to me about things, anymore…and no matter how much I want this to work, I don’t know if there is any hope.

71. Drummer Guy Says:
    July 23rd, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Angel so sorry to hear of your plight. I hope this doesn’t sound to negative but it sounds as though your husband wants the security of being married but none of the respsonsibilities that go with that. He may be deflecting his behavior on you. In other words “I feel like this because you don’t do A, B & C”. If the usual pattern holds true you can do A, B, & C to make him “change his mind” only to find that he will ad D, E & F. The followed by G, H, & I.. It can be a brutal cycle that has no end. He needs to take resposibility for HIS actions.

    All we can do as people is be the best person we can be. Yes we should always be the best spouse we can be but we can’t control what the other does or thinks. Only they can change their behaviors. It would be the equivelant of them having an infection & us trying to take an antibiodic to make them well. You may want to have a discussion that puts him on notice that it is up to him to change his behavior. I am not much of one for ultimatums but he would need to know that this behavior is NOT acceptable in any way, shape or form. As long as he thinks that he can continue this & you will continue to stay he has no motivation to change. For him to say he is not sexually attracted to you, isn’t a reflection on you. He may try to make it that but, If he is sending sexy text to another, sending romantic letters to an ex then THAT is the problem. How can one have attraction for his spouse when he is giving that affection & attraction to another? So please don’t beat yourself up over HIS actions.

    I do hope this can work out for you. I went through something very similar in my first marriage. She just decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. The more I tried to pull her back in the more distant she became. I think sometimes we can try so hard out of desperation to hold on even tighter in times like these that we end up having the opposite effect. Alisa just put up a great post yesterday on what to do when only one person is trying to make it work. Lots of wisdom there.

    This site is all about making marriage work & I do hope & pray that it can be salvaged if possible. But it is also about personal accountability. He will have to except resposibility for HIS actions. Anyway that’s my 2 cents. I am sure Alisa & the many nice people here would have some words of wisdom & may have a better take on it than I. I imagine this is a difficult time & causes much pain. I do wish you the best.

72. Angel Says:
    July 23rd, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    Thank you, Drummer. What you say makes a lot of sense. I am the one who is fully supporting us, financially, while he goes to school. I am also the one who cleans the house, pays the bills, cooks our meals, and, in general, keeps our lives somewhat organized & functioning. I am a good woman. I treat him with love & kindness. I do everything I can to build him up & I have always believed in him & had faith in him. I informed him today that, although he refuses to take responsibility for anything (including his own actions), that if he want our marriage to work, that he needs to start. He has taken me for granted and he quit noticing me at all – and I firmly believe that this helped lead to the way that he is currently feeling. I reminded him – in a calm tone, as a strong, confident woman with no crying or shouting – that he has forgotten how blessed he is to have a woman like me. I have always told him how blessed I feel to have him in my life, but this is the first time I’ve ever had to tell him how blessed HE is, to have me. I let him know that, as much as I love him & want to spend my life with him, I will not put forth all of my effort and while he only tries half-way. If he wants to make this work, and he really wants me to stay, then he will show me that he is as invested in this as I am.
    And for the first time, I really ment it.
    He is my world, honestly. But, I have had to rebuild my world before, and – no matter how much it will hurt (and believe me, it will) – I CAN do it again.
    He is the type of person who needs to think things through, before he can talk about them. He needs to collect his thoughts & figure out how he feels & what he wants. And, now, I’m giving him that time. I just pray that, in that time, he comes to see the light.

73. Bern Says:
    July 25th, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Angel – unfortunately you’re in a situation that many, many people have found themselves. When their partner says they are unhappy and it’s because of you, (unless you are doing something really destructive!) generally it is because they are in denial, and they are projecting their own limitations on to you. The key for your own sanity and happiness is to try not to take their words too personally and remind yourself that when they blame you for their unhappiness they are really talking about themselves, but don’t have the courage or honesty to admit it (been in a similar situation to yours myself). You’re doing the right thing to address it though – I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening and simply tried to be a better doormat, and that definitely doesn’t work!

    Can’t add much to Drummer Guys advice – I think he is spot on.

74. Angel Says:
    July 28th, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    To Drummer Guy & Bern:
    Thank you both so much for your kind, honest words. I truely appreciate the outside perspective & the encouragement. My husband has told me that he wants us to try to find a way to reclaim the feelings that we used to share (because, not only have his feelings for me faded, but I’ve realized through all of this that, while I’m still in love with him, I really don’t like him as much as I used to). I truely hope & pray that he is being honest about this, and that it’s not just a way to keep me around to take care of him, while he’s finishing school. He’s agreed not to speak to the women that were involved in his recent indiscretions, anymore. (although, he doesn’t really understand why I feel the way that I do about it – he says that it wasn’t cheating, because he didn’t mean the things that he was saying to them. I guess it is one point that we will just have to agree to disagree on; but it does make it harder to forgive him, knowing that he doesn’t see it like it’s as serious a thing as I do.) However, he has lied about so many things – not just now, but throughout our relationship – that trusting him just becomes more & more difficult. I know that, if we’re going to make this work, we have a lot of work ahead of us! I also know that, although he says that he is willing to do whatever we have to, to save our marriage; he acts as though anything that I come up with (I’ve been doing a lot of research) for us to try is pointless. I want to make this work so badly, but I am so conflicted about where he stands! I guess that all I can do is continue to try to improve things & see how things go from there…
    Once again, thank you all so much for your support – it is greatly appreciated (especially considering how I can manage to babble, once I get started :-p )

75. Michelle Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 7:48 am

    Ok, I’ve been home for 2 days now, and WOW! I have the greatest husband, most understanding and patient, thoughtful, generous, man any woman could ever want. He is waiting for me…he is helping me to get that “in-love” feeling again. I believe that I will be with him forever. It was hard to face him when I told him about what I was feeling, but now we have been talking more, about everything, and both of us are feeling a better connection with each other. I have to say to those on the receiving end…Try, keep hanging on, talk it out, find out what it is that’s missing in your relationship. Marriage is a partnership, and well worth the struggle. Bless those who it stick-it out. I think I love my husband more than I realize…

76. Drummer Guy Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 8:39 am

    It’s okay Angel I am the king of babbling . Anyway so very glad to see the two of you are making an effort. Mistrust can be a major issue but not one that can’t be overcome. It will require some major changes in his behavior. I would wonder how old he is? Only reason I wonder is because as we age things that may have seemed okay early in life really change. My behavior in my 20′s was far different than what it is today. Especially in my early twenties before I married. I was caught up in that whole 80′s era Heavy Metal Rock Scene (Drummer for a few well known artist, Not naming names..lol). I look back now & go MAN was I ever an idiot..lol Best of luck to ya

    Michelle that is AWESOME news. So glad to see somebody dedicated to the wonderful journey marriage can be. So many in your situation just loose the warm fuzzies & leave. Many of those will be destined to jump from one monagomous relationship to another as soon as that happens. I have seen it from several people in life, although usually from much younger folks than us. Marriage is a series of up’s & downs. While the journey can be difficult at times the destination is SO worth it. Anyway glad to see you two are taking the journey together. Enjoy the destination

77. Misty Says:
    August 10th, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I have been working extremely hard to learn exactly what Ron has suggested…knowing my own self-worth and working on making MYSELF happy in order to be happy in my relationship. Alisa’s post is right on. You have to put out the feeder and show the other person that you can and will make improvements on yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself and, if you have to, move on.

    My husband is not working to make self-improvements. He says he wants to and that he wants to have what we once did. But you have to SHOW someone you love them, not just say it. I have told him a million and one times that actions speak louder than words, but he is just too selfish to be able to give that much.

    I recently went through a very long bout of depression during which I stopped taking care of myself, being social, or doing anything besides watch TV. My husband reacted by distancing himself from me and the result is that now we are so far removed from each other, we don’t know each other anymore. That is my fault, but it is his as well. He should’ve helped me when I was crying out for it, but I should not have relied on anyone but me to make me better.

    He had it out with me, told me everything I’ve done to make this happen, and for once I saw my faults. I have wholeheartedly taken on the task of correcting my shortcomings. He’s not putting the work in. But the work I’m doing is really paying off. I tried to talk to him last night, but he was immature, inappropriate, defensive and interrupted me many times. I never lost my cool or yelled or cried. I cut the conversation off finally, after asking him several times to be respectful and listen. I am proud of myself – and find myself feeling sorry for him now, because he is so terribly lost.

    It is amazing what a little self-exploration can do.
    Misty´s last blog ..Seeing your world through new eyes

78. TZ Says:
    August 17th, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    I have experienced this. My husband had an emotional affair (no way to prove it wasn’t physical) with a woman he dated years ago. During our marriage I’ve always felt he was not as open as myself but being that he was not taught that growing up I figured that’s why.

    So for years I told myself that I needed to be patient with him and show him how to be more expressive by creating an open environment. Well he was very expressive to his mistress. That’s what hurt the worst.

    Now I don’t love him other than as the father of our children. We have been married less than 5 years and it has been over a year since he finally admitted to the affair. Of course he says he never slept with her. Who knows really other than them.

    I can’t stand his touch, or even for him to look at me. I don’t enjoy his company and I don’t think he is good in bed. The only reason I stay is because my children would be sad and at their ages, I need the help with coordinating schedules. If I could count on him to be “present” in their lives if I left, I’d be gone tomorrow. But I think out of spite he would be unreliable and see them less just to anger me.

    The sad part is that we really could have had something great. But I really don’t like him now and if he left today, I would be ecstatic. Sad but totally honest.

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