Comments on: How to Solve Marital Problems, Part 2

By: Joan

Joan — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:56:16 +0000

Hi. I’ve just started a big fight with my husband of 5 months. I’m so desperate to know why he got mad at me so much to leave me alone for nights. I haven’t been going to sleep. I haven’t been eating. I haven’t been able to focus at my job. I just don’t know what to do. His answers to me are usually “I don’t know”. I know I love him so much and I know he loves me too. I know I’ve wronged him by not showing how greatful I am that he loves me and takes care of me. I’m always shaking too ever since he left. He left without even telling me face to face why he’s so mad and why he chose to leave. It was a complete shock to me. I feel so vulnerable. I don’t know what my options could be. I really want to save our marriage but every time I try to talk to him he just says he doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s like he’s hiding from me or trying to avoid me. What should I do?

By: D

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 05:04:45 +0000

I thought I was on board with trying to “be the bigger person”. Thinking this could be the ice breaker. I walked into the living room where my husbands butt has grown roots into the couch, I looked at him, and I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I had every intention of going out there and hugging him, which I NEVER do anymore. It seemed simple enough… I am married to him, I did love him when we got married, but I couldn’t even make myself do that. I glared at him, turned and went back to bed. Maybe there is no hope?

By: Kathy

Kathy — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:32:14 +0000

Thanks, Alisa. I will keep reminding him. I started mentioning it last week. Then again last night. I’m doing so much for my personal growth, betterment (counseling and personal trainer), that I’m truly getting more “protective” of my feelings and not being treated poorly. So hopefully the reminders will finally get it across.

Much appreciated.

You’d think I’d know all about marriage – I am on my third one. But each marriage has been different with it’s own issues.

By: Alisa

Alisa — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:51:16 +0000

Kathy: My husband is the same way. This won’t completely solve the issue, but it might help some. What I did was explain to him how him talking to me that way makes me feel (like he thinks I’m stupid and that he doesn’t love me). I asked him if he wanted me to feel that way. He doesn’t. Now, whenever he talks to me that way, I say, “please don’t talk to me like that” or “you don’t have to talk to me like that” or “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that.” Most of the time, what I’ve found, is that he honestly doesn’t realize that he’s doing it. Usually just that phrase is enough to make him stop.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:01:30 +0000

I have a question. What do you do when your hubby is being crabby because his job is stressing him out and he’s been stressed out for over a year?

Lately my hubby has been very short tempered. I ask him something and he nearly takes my head off with the answer. I let him have it last night, as I am so DONE with being talked to that way.

Any advice, besides moving out, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Kathy

By: Alisa

Alisa — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 12:52:29 +0000

Thanks Lara–so well said. And it did not feel soap box like at all. Just great insight and advice.

By: lara galloway

lara galloway — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 12:31:03 +0000

This is so good, Alisa!

Love #2. I think that so many of us can’t even see that we’re judging ourselves, trying to justify why we SHOULD feel differently when we have a problem. I have spent a lot of time here in my life, being stuck because I don’t accept my own feelings. I think that I should be smart enough or strong enough to feel something else. But feelings don’t obey rules and shoulds.

I also love #5. As a coach, I see so many people who want to change something in their lives. They’re all excited when we start working together, willing to take a hard look at themselves, and really gung-ho to try a new approach. But then they start wanting this new approach to yield immediate results. It’s hard to keep trying this new thing while waiting for the results to kick in. It’s natural to want to say the new thing isn’t working, and it would indeed feel more comfortable to return to your old ways. This is when keeping up with a tally, checklist or some other measurement tool on a daily basis is so important. So your husband NEVER put the toilet seat down before you had this agreement to do things differently, and now he put it down 3 times in one week? THIS IS PROGRESS!!! Yes, he still flubbed the other 67 times he peed that week, but it takes practice to learn a new habit, and that takes time. You have to be willing to acknowledge the baby steps of progress so you don’t throw out a process that is actually working and on the way to yielding the big results you want!

Whew! Stepping off the soap box now

Lara Galloway
The Mom Biz Coach
http://www.mombizcoach.com

By: Frugal Kiwi

Frugal Kiwi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:41:07 +0000

Thanks for the tips. Having a THINK about problems instead of just reacting emotionally will give you a bit of space to do something about the issues.