How to Solve Marital Problems, Part 2
In my last post, which could easily have been called “What My Hair Dryer and a Little Old Lady Taught Me About Marriage,” I talked about how acceptance is the first step to solving marital problems. Before you can move forward, it sometimes helps to just say, “Well, this really does suck, but what else can I do?”
Once you break out of the Woe is Me cycle, it’s a lot easier to see all of the possible solutions. Then you can use this 7-step process for solving any marital problem. It’s the same process I go through every single time something starts to bug me about my marriage or my life in general.
Step 1: Define the problem. It sounds simple, but this can be harder than it seems. You want to your definition to be more specific than, “I wish my husband were dead” or “I’m so miserable I would rather clean up another child’s diarrhea than sleep next to my spouse.” Those are good starting points, though. To define your problem, ask yourself, “Why?” Why are you this miserable? Why do you wish he would drop dead? Why do you dread having sex?
Step 2: Be okay with your why. This is important, because, so often, we walk around in a state of denial that is, in part, fueled by the desire to seem normal and well adjusted. You might find yourself, for instance, trying to talk yourself out of believing that you have a problem, saying things like, “If only I were a stronger person, I could endure this.” Well, you know what? You aren’t stronger. You are who you are. You have a problem. Chances are, your problem is not all that odd or embarrassing, either. You are okay. Own your Why.
Step 3: Brainstorm possible solutions. Ask yourself questions like: How might I solve this problem? What might improve this situation? What are some things we can try? If you draw a blank, then think of ways you can research your problem. What are possible solutions that bloggers like me suggest? How about your friends? Or marital improvement books?
Step 4: Consider every possible solution, even if some of them seem stupid. Then pick one to try. Note: it’s really common to get stuck here, especially if you start obsessing about all of the possible ways your plan could backfire. Don’t let fear and negative thoughts stand in your way. Things can only get better from here, so take a deep breath and screw up your courage.
Step 5: Try the solution.
Step 6: Assess whether your solution is working. It’s important to use an objective assessment tool, too. Otherwise you might give up on a solution that actually is working—albeit slowly. Perhaps you conduct your assessment by rating your mood on a scale of 1 to 10 once a day every day. Maybe you do it by keeping track of how successfully you or your spouse complete a behavior change, noting, for instance, how many times he actually remembers to put down the toilet seat in a given week compared to the week before.
Step 7: The solution worked and you have achieved marital nirvana? You’re done. A great big toast to you. Your solution sort of worked, but you still have a problem? Go back to Step 3 and cycle through the process again. Your solution failed miserably? Think about why the solution didn’t work. Then go back to step 3 and try again.
This is how I look at every single problem in my life. It’s also how I look at the problems you tell me about in your emails, and the problems various people in my life tell me about.
I’d love to know how this process does or does not work for you. I encourage you to try it. Define a problem and tackle the 7 steps. Then please come back here and comment, letting me how it worked—or didn’t.
Also, if you have additional advice for solving marital problems—perhaps something you’ve tried that has worked effectively—please share it here, so others can benefit.
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Related posts:
- How to Solve Marital Problems, Part 1
- What should she do about her marriage?
- Should you ever keep marital secrets?
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September 16th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Thanks for the tips. Having a THINK about problems instead of just reacting emotionally will give you a bit of space to do something about the issues.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:31 am
This is so good, Alisa!
Love #2. I think that so many of us can’t even see that we’re judging ourselves, trying to justify why we SHOULD feel differently when we have a problem. I have spent a lot of time here in my life, being stuck because I don’t accept my own feelings. I think that I should be smart enough or strong enough to feel something else. But feelings don’t obey rules and shoulds.
I also love #5. As a coach, I see so many people who want to change something in their lives. They’re all excited when we start working together, willing to take a hard look at themselves, and really gung-ho to try a new approach. But then they start wanting this new approach to yield immediate results. It’s hard to keep trying this new thing while waiting for the results to kick in. It’s natural to want to say the new thing isn’t working, and it would indeed feel more comfortable to return to your old ways. This is when keeping up with a tally, checklist or some other measurement tool on a daily basis is so important. So your husband NEVER put the toilet seat down before you had this agreement to do things differently, and now he put it down 3 times in one week? THIS IS PROGRESS!!! Yes, he still flubbed the other 67 times he peed that week, but it takes practice to learn a new habit, and that takes time. You have to be willing to acknowledge the baby steps of progress so you don’t throw out a process that is actually working and on the way to yielding the big results you want!
Whew! Stepping off the soap box now
Lara Galloway
The Mom Biz Coach
http://www.mombizcoach.com
September 17th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Thanks Lara–so well said. And it did not feel soap box like at all. Just great insight and advice.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I have a question. What do you do when your hubby is being crabby because his job is stressing him out and he’s been stressed out for over a year?
Lately my hubby has been very short tempered. I ask him something and he nearly takes my head off with the answer. I let him have it last night, as I am so DONE with being talked to that way.
Any advice, besides moving out, would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Kathy
September 17th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Kathy: My husband is the same way. This won’t completely solve the issue, but it might help some. What I did was explain to him how him talking to me that way makes me feel (like he thinks I’m stupid and that he doesn’t love me). I asked him if he wanted me to feel that way. He doesn’t. Now, whenever he talks to me that way, I say, “please don’t talk to me like that” or “you don’t have to talk to me like that” or “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that.” Most of the time, what I’ve found, is that he honestly doesn’t realize that he’s doing it. Usually just that phrase is enough to make him stop.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Thanks, Alisa. I will keep reminding him. I started mentioning it last week. Then again last night. I’m doing so much for my personal growth, betterment (counseling and personal trainer), that I’m truly getting more “protective” of my feelings and not being treated poorly. So hopefully the reminders will finally get it across.
Much appreciated.
You’d think I’d know all about marriage – I am on my third one. But each marriage has been different with it’s own issues.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:04 am
I thought I was on board with trying to “be the bigger person”. Thinking this could be the ice breaker. I walked into the living room where my husbands butt has grown roots into the couch, I looked at him, and I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I had every intention of going out there and hugging him, which I NEVER do anymore. It seemed simple enough… I am married to him, I did love him when we got married, but I couldn’t even make myself do that. I glared at him, turned and went back to bed. Maybe there is no hope?
October 12th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Hi. I’ve just started a big fight with my husband of 5 months. I’m so desperate to know why he got mad at me so much to leave me alone for nights. I haven’t been going to sleep. I haven’t been eating. I haven’t been able to focus at my job. I just don’t know what to do. His answers to me are usually “I don’t know”. I know I love him so much and I know he loves me too. I know I’ve wronged him by not showing how greatful I am that he loves me and takes care of me. I’m always shaking too ever since he left. He left without even telling me face to face why he’s so mad and why he chose to leave. It was a complete shock to me. I feel so vulnerable. I don’t know what my options could be. I really want to save our marriage but every time I try to talk to him he just says he doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s like he’s hiding from me or trying to avoid me. What should I do?