How Not to Win An Argument

Not long ago, I arrived home from the grocery store feeling triumphant. I’d been trying to cut our grocery bill for weeks. That night, thanks to careful price comparisons and coupons, I’d checked out below $150—a new personal record.

My husband helped me lug the bags inside. Him jogging out to the car as soon as I pull up next to the house is one of those really sweet things that he does now—and that he didn’t always do. Once inside, he began pulling items out of the bags and handing them to me to put away. I thought, “This is such a nice, warm marital moment. I can’t believe how far our marriage has come. I love how much he helps around the house.”

Then, in this cold, flat voice that he has, he said, “What. Is. This?”

I looked at what he was holding in his hand.

“It’s cheese,” I said, my eyebrows raised.

“No. It. Is. NOT,” he said.

I closed the refrigerator. I turned to face him. I looked closer at what he was holding. It was yellowish orangish—that weird color that only appears on cheap American cheese. (Crayola should make a crayon with this color, don’t you think? Cheese Yellow.) Each slice was individually wrapped. If it wasn’t cheese, I needed a new set of eyeballs.

“So it’s cheap cheese,” I said. “You know we’re trying to save money.”

Now, you don’t have the benefit of hearing my tone of voice or seeing my facial expression. So let me tell you this. My body language said very clearly, “If you want expensive cheese, you can go get a second job. Be. My. Guest.”

I’m almost positive he heard my body language say that, too.

I wasn’t prepared for what he said next. It totally floored me, but I recovered quickly.

“This. Is. Not. Cheese. It’s imitation cheese,” he said.

Silently, in my mind, I said, “It is?!” Out loud, I said, “So what? That’s the same stuff I bought last week and no one complained about it then.” And silently to myself, I thought, “Isn’t it?!”

He said, “Do you want me to read the list of ingredients to you?”

I said, “No, I’m capable of reading all by myself, thank you very much. If you don’t want to eat it, don’t eat it. I’ll eat it.”

Silently to myself, I said, “I’ll eat it even if it tastes like diaper contents, just to prove my point.”

He said, “I don’t even know why they even make imitation cheese. If you’re not going to eat the real thing, you just shouldn’t eat anything at all.”

He went on to deliver a long soliloquy about the evils of imitation cheese. I couldn’t tell you what he actually said because I was doing my best to pretend that he wasn’t there.

As soon as he finished, I said, “I don’t need your help.”

He said, “No, I’ll help you.”

I said, “No, I’d rather you didn’t.”

He skulked off into another room. I finished putting away the groceries, including the imitation cheese, which, I admit, smelled like something that someone really ought not eat. I wasn’t sure it was safe to feed to the dog.

Then I organized the closet in the bathroom. This closet organizing was not one of those jobs that needed to be done at that given moment—or any moment really. But it allowed me to lock myself in the bathroom without seeming melodramatic about it.

When I emerged, he was standing in the hallway.

“I’m sorry I complained about your cheese,” he said.

I hugged him. I was sorry, too, for arguing with him about something so incredibly stupid. After all, the cheese-looking product that I’d accidentally purchased really was a poor excuse for something edible. It might have been a bargain, but it would be a complete waste of money if it ended up in the trash can, which seemed very likely. It smelled like burnt plastic. I loved our dog too much to feed him anything that smelled like that. I knew that.

My husband and I, thankfully, don’t argue like this very often. Stupid arguments like this used to be a way of life for us, though.

Things changed because we stopped trying to win—most of the time, anyway. It’s my firm belief that one of the biggest obstacles to building a happy marriage is this: no one wants to lose. By definition, if one person wins an argument, the other person loses. This may be all well and good for certain types of arguments, if one person is clearly in the wrong. But most marital arguments are not cut and dry. They are not about “I’m right” and “You’re wrong.” Rather, they are about, “I’m hurt and don’t feel properly adored, and I want you to prove to me that you really love me.”

Seriously. If you keep track of your arguments, you’ll eventually see this pattern. On the surface, it might seem as if you are fighting about imitation cheese. In reality, you are arguing about not feeling appreciated for saving money at the grocery store.

Generally, if you win a fight, you’ll end up getting an “I’m sorry.” But the “I’m sorry” will feel empty, because it is. The sorry sayer is apologizing just to end the argument. He’s giving in, because he doesn’t know what else to do. His “I’m sorry” really means, “I’m sorry you are so mad at me. I just want you to love me again.”

Such fights are like a dog chasing his tail. You just go in circles and never get anywhere. You keep having the same fight over and over again.

To truly move your marriage to a better place, it’s my firm belief that you have to stop trying to win. If you can shift your goal from winning to understanding, you’ll eventually get to a closer place, one that improves your marriage and moves you a step closer to happily ever after.

To help myself do this, I ask myself these questions whenever I am ticked off at my husband.

1. Why do I feel this way?
2. What do I want him to understand about me? How do I feel misunderstood?
3. How am I confused? What don’t I understand about his intentions that I wish I understood better?
4. Are there two different ways of seeing this situation? How might his perspective be different than mine?
5. What do I want? Am I willing to compromise? Why or why not?

Don’t get me wrong. There’s always that little voice chattering away in my head, saying stuff like, “Teach him who’s boss. Show him what you’ve got, sister! Really give it to that dumb ass! Make him sorrier than he’s ever been.”

To quiet it down, I remind myself, “It’s not my goal to make my husband feel like toilet water. Retaliation never works. You know that. Buck up. Be proud of yourself for being the big person. Let’s see just how effectively you can communicate.”

Then I’m able to say something non-threatening like, “Honey, I work hard to cut our grocery store bill. I thought I bought cheap real cheese, not imitation cheese. I did not buy that foul stuff on purpose. But when you talk to me like that, it makes me feel like you think I’m too stupid to shop for groceries and it hurts. I would appreciate it if you did not talk to me like that.”

Then he says something like, “I’m sorry I talked to you like that. Thanks for going to the grocery store. I really appreciate it. I don’t think you’re stupid! No, I love you because of how smart you are!”

And we’re done.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Tagged as: bad marriage, Marriage Advice