How M&Ms got me a better flight
a.k.a.
The Karma Project, week 5
No that's not really me, but that woman is inside of me somewhere.
First, before I get to the M&Ms, a digression. I’m writing this post at night, after a long day, one that I tried to start off in a positive way by setting my alarm for 6:15 a.m. so I could get up before my kid and meditate.
I actually did it, too. Then, I went for a run. Then I was a super writer for most of the day, handling some urgent work issues with focus. Then I picked up my kid and was a loving, caring, compassionate and, I dare say, FUN mommy for most of the night.
Then bedtime approached. After I got my kid settled into bed, I planned to write this blog. I knew the following day would be another packed workday.
I tried to be patient, to enjoy the whole bedtime routine, because, you know, mothers are supposed to enjoy that sort of thing.
And usually I am that sort of mother.
But tonight? I really just wanted to write the blog.
I managed to read Green Eggs and Ham and some book about Arthur having a bad dream about pickles without rushing TOO much. I even had my daughter laughing at the end of Green Eggs and Ham because I kept substituting the words “stinky toots” for “eggs.” You just try to read that book with that substitution and see if you can pull it off with a straight face.
Anyway, I might have gotten my daughter a wee bit too riled up. Soon she was crawling all over me, asking to thumb wrestle, jumping on the bed, and wanting to sit on top of me. I just wanted to hug her and get to the blog. I could feel my creative spark draining from me with every single “No” that came out of my mouth.
I knew Mean Mommy was about to make an appearance. I could feel her in my chest. I’m not proud of Mean Mommy, but she’s a part of me. She’s as real as my heart, lungs, and kidneys.
I kept Mean Mommy stuffed down in my chest, though, and managed to get out of the room before she said anything hurtful.
I opened a Word file. I typed the headline you see on this post. I thought about my M&M story. And that’s when it happened.
MOOOOOOMEEEEEE?
Deep breath. Sigh.
I walked to her room. I learned that she’d lost her monster truck.
I felt Mean Mommy’s presence. She was there in a strong, big way. Very little of the rational, kind me was left. I silently repeated a Buddhist mantra I’d learned. It goes like this, “I may die today. I may die today. I may die today.” Sure, it sounds all Goth and morbid, but it’s supposed to remind me that anyone—including myself—could die at any moment, so I should try to live without regrets. I reminded myself that I didn’t want to die in the middle of the night and leave my daughter worried that I’d been mad at her for losing her monster truck.
It helped. It seemed like the good me was back.
She said, “I can’t find it!”
Mean Mommy relied, “I don’t know where it is. Stay in your room and don’t come out. You know the rules.”
So much for the possibility of my untimely death helping me to remain compassionate.
Back at my computer I typed an email to a friend, telling her that I was a terrible mommy. She typed one back, telling me that she was even worse. That helped.
Then I heard a high-pitched wail. Now, the normal Mommy reaction to a high-pitched wail would be the thought, “OMG! What’s wrong?!”
That’s not what I thought. Instead, I thought, “What the [I’ve removed this word because I promised long ago that I would not curse on this blog, so use your imagination and put that word in all caps] is it NOW?” I thought about using my mantra, but the thought didn’t last very long. I did think that I might find her impaled on her bedpost, and then I would feel terrible about not having the correct reaction to her high-pitched wail.
But that didn’t stuff Mean Mommy back into my chest. I stomped to her room to find out that her monster truck had fallen on her lip. Exactly why that resulted in the amount of pain that would necessitate those high-pitched wails? I just don’t know. I gave her ice and stomped right back out.
I sat down at my desk.
MOOOOMEEE!
I ignored her, figuring that she was probably done with the ice and that it was melting all over her bed and that is was making the biggest wet spot imaginable and that I so didn’t care.
I ignored her for a good long while. I wrote quite a few paragraphs. Then curiosity got the best of me and I decided to check on her. I learned that she’d called me to find out whether I’d found the “I’m really sorry” note she’d quietly left near me while I’d been typing emails. SHE was sorry?
In that moment? I felt like diaper contents, the kind that comes from the diaper of a baby who has been eating nothing but peas for a week straight. (Do babies eat nothing but peas for a week? I’m not sure, but I like the analogy so I’m keeping it.)
I hugged her. I told her that I loved her. I promised to be a better mommy. I told myself that I was the luckiest mother in the world. I promised myself that I would never, ever in a million lifetimes work at night again.
Then I walked right back to my office and I continued to write this post.
I was just pushing the bad Karma envelope.
So here’s what I want to know. Who IS this monster? I know some of you like me, so you will probably try to cheer me up by telling me that it was just a bad night, that Mean Mommy doesn’t make an appearance every single night. That’s true. Had I not been having such a busy workweek? I would have been a Good Mommy tonight. I just know it.
But still. I want to exorcise Mean Mommy from my soul.
And while I’m exorcising things from my soul, there are some other things I’d like to get rid of, too. In no particular order, they are:
- My quick instinct to backbite, especially when the other people around me are doing it, too. I keep catching myself saying nasty things about people behind their backs. I’d like to stop. I keep promising to stop, but the nasty things keep coming out.
- My irritation with really minor things. Like there’s this lady that I see nearly everyday who walks two small dogs. Without fail, whenever I see her, she’s on her cell phone and, without fail, I think something snide like, “Can’t even walk down the street with your dogs without taking a call? Can’t disconnect for 2 minutes? Is the phone glued to your ear? Was that call really all that? You just had to take it now, didn’t you? Do I really need to hear your conversation? No, I really don’t want my dog to play with your dogs just because you are on your phone and don’t have the two hands you need to control your two dogs.” It’s like that. And now I feel bad for even writing that because what if Cell Phone Lady reads this blog and recognizes that I’m talking about her to the entire cyberverse? That would be bad, wouldn’t it?
- How I hate walking behind slow people and often think very unkind things about their slowness.
I will say that, since I started the Karma Project, I’ve been more aware of these things. I’ve also held my tongue and redirected my nasty thoughts here and there. So I am improving. But it will obviously take a long time—perhaps a few lifetimes—before I reach enlightenment.
Oh, and about those M&Ms
So I was at the Asheville airport in North Carolina the other day. It was 4 p.m. and my flight to Atlanta was at 6:30 p.m. (Why I had to go to Atlanta in order to go to Pennsylvania is a topic for another day). The Asheville airport is about as big as my basement. Trying to kill 2 ½ hours there is harder than trying to waste some time The National Museum of Surveying. (No offense to surveyors. I really dig you people.)
I noticed that there was an earlier flight leaving at 4:50, and I figured it would be a lot easier to kill time in Atlanta as I waited for my connection than it would be to kill time in Asheville. So I asked the airport worker if I could fly earlier. She said she’d check. Another airport worker overhead my conversation and joked, “How much money do you have?” Yet another one said, “Or chocolate?” They all laughed.
I was told to come back in a bit. So I walked to the tiny refreshment stand, bought a package of M&Ms, walked back to the airport lady, and presented the gift.
“Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” she said.
“I know, but I thought I’d brighten your day,” I said.
As I walked to a seat, I heard her say, “How sweet!”
I got on the flight, by the way. She seated me in a row by myself. Thank you airport lady. I’m a Mean Mommy who probably did not deserve your kindness. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Ah, that was a long and rambling post, eh? Have you actually read this far, or did I lose you about 10 paragraphs ago? Well, if you are still reading, I have a reward for you. I noticed a week ago that a lot more of you started commenting on the blog when I offered to give away a free set of bed sheets. I love your comments. They help me feel good about this blog and all of the work I put into it. On nights like tonight, when the urge to write the blog triggers an appearance of Mean Mommy? It’s your comments that make it all seem worth the effort.
So I want to reward you for your comments. This is what I’m thinking. Once a month, I am going to send a prize to my favorite commenter. Note that I did not say, “Most frequent commenter.” I said favorite. Exactly how I will pick my favorite? That’s anyone’s guess, but I tend to like comments that are helpful, funny, deep or all three rolled into one. So that should give you some leads.
Sometimes I’ll announce the gift—especially if a company sent it to me to use as a promotion. Most of the time, though, I just plan to send it secretly, with a little note of thanks, because that seems like the truly generous thing to do, doesn’t it? Plus, it gives me more time to wait until the last minute to come up with the prize.
So comment away. For today, I’d really like to know whether or not you think I’m the Meanest Mommy in the World. Have you been there? Have any advice to share? Know how I might exorcise her from my soul? Let me know. Also, is there anything you’d like to exorcise from your soul? Telling me about it will make me feel normal, which is good Karma for you.
Now I’m done writing and all I can think is this: I wish my daughter were still awake so I could give her a hug. I guess I’ll just hug her little sleeping body instead.
Oh and to the lady who won the sheets: They’re in the mail.
Oh, and on Friday? I promise to write something useful about marriage, because that’s why you read this blog, after all.
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Tags: karma project
September 30th, 2009 at 12:45 am
I don’t have any kids of my own, but I sure snapped at my lovely man yesterday when I thought he was wiping his hands on TWO of my freshly laundered dish towels. The man who has taken care of me and cooked for me pretty much every night since I had a stroke almost 6 months ago. Turns out he was wiping his hands on non-freshly laundered dish towels. But even if he hadn’t been, there was no reason for me to be such a shrew about it. Mean Kiwi out in force. Sigh.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:06 am
You can’t possibly be the MEANEST MOMMY. I captured that title a couple years ago…
September 30th, 2009 at 7:24 am
You might be impatient, but you’re not the meanest mommy. I knew the meanest mommy up until we buried her last summer. (She wasn’t mine.) When compared to your idea of a mean mommy, trust me, you don’t even chart. Besides, the real mean mommies truly have no idea that they’re mean mommies.
So soldier on. And please don’t send me a dildo.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:45 am
LOL your story sounds similar to my evenings w my two young girls. Thanks for writing this about M&M. I m mommy to 3 young kids and I found myself being that way some days. I felt better that I am not alone one out there.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:03 am
My children have a name for it–they actually call me meany-head mommy. The worst is when my daughter has a bedtime like that, & I’m exhausted & I just want to WATCH TELEVISION. And when she finally goes silent, and I realize she’s crying, by herself, because I got tired of saying “Good night, I love you” yet again because it was interrupting A TELEVISION SHOW. That really makes me feel like the worst parent ever. No, you’re not alone.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:03 am
i’m not a mom yet, but i fear becoming a mean mommy…going to have to figure out how to overcome that…my hubby sometimes tells me that he’ll be the nice one and i’ll be the mean one….greeeeeeeeeeat.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Chris: Are you SURE you don’t want one? Actually, the reward at the end of the month will be something much better….(not that I know what it is yet, mind you)
Thanks everyone else: you make me feel so normal. Huge.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I think Mean Mommy exists in us all, it is human nature, it is the conscious recognition that you are trying to be a better person that’s makes you have a better chance at achieving your goal, BUT, we are humans and you are not a Buddhist monk, so you also need to forgive yourself. My ex-in-laws were devout Buddhists and my ex-father-in-law would rise very early every morning to meditate and pray, he spent a lot of time at the temple assisting others as well. He also spent a month in Thailand every year in isolation and prayer at a Buddhist temple, but when he arrived at the body shop that he owned every day, he turned into the biggest asshole who yelled and screamed at his employees! I think you are doing the best you can, as most parents are – being a parent doesn’t mean you completely suppress your desires or needs – and that is probably what Mean Mommy is doing – protecting that for you.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I’ve so been there, the meanest mommy in the world… that one that thinks “well as long as she’s still screaming, she’s still alive… and I’m OK with that” Lots of time outs at my house are for my benefit, not hers. She paints the table, and walls, and her hair and the dog with yogurt… I yell “go to your room” and then in my head “before I break your tiny little neck”
She’s 2, I shouldn’t tell her that i’ll break her neck until she’s at least… 7?
Time out is over when I’ve calmed down. I believe that MEAN Mommy is just a part of being mommy. keeping her tame is the challenge that moms on the news didn’t meet. Like the other day when she was yelling and I started yelling too (because as my mom said to me: “I’m bigger and meaner than you are”) and my yelling turned her yelling into crying… and my anger into guilt… so where she was wrong to yell at me – I apologized.
what I want to get off my chest – I alternate between wishing my neighbors and my dogs dead. The dogs, because they bark and bark – the neighbors because they threaten me because the dogs bark and bark. Every time they come over here with that attitude of “if your dogs do this… I’ll call the cops.” I think – I’m going to let the dogs out and then taunt them from outside the fence!!! bwahahahah!
September 30th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Well, I’m pretty sure…
However, I enjoy M&M’s as much as any other musician, as long as there are no brown ones. :~)
September 30th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Thank you for this post! Just this morning I turned into Meanest Mommy as we were trying to get out the door. This happens in the morning more than I would like…..my 4 year old is so unpredictable. One morning he wakes up and is happy and can’t wait to leave and go to daycare…..the next day, a total devil….throwing himself all over the place. Oh dear.
So another thought that comes to mind for me with this is…..for me, I feel like mean mommy really comes out when my son is giving ME all sorts of grief, but he doesn’t do it to my husband. Now, I know, I know, he gives me grief more often becuase I take it, but I like to this that I don’t really “take” it. I think I ignore it so that mean mommy will stay at bay…and I do what I can to just get through the moment. ANyone else feel this? A few weekends ago I went away….by myself (oh dear) no kids, no husband….and hubby said they had a great weekend….20 minutes after I got home, 4 year old was giving me a hard time about something and my husband said, “He didn’t do that to me all weekend.”
Deep breath.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I struggle with the mean mommy almost everyday it seems. I too get frustrated over stupid things and sometimes I hear it in my voice and I cringe. I try to remind myself that someday the kids won’t be in this house and I will actually miss the things that make me nuts now. I too cannot stand walking behind slow people and those people who stop their carts smack in the middle of the grocery aisle also make me cranky, but I’m working on it.
And I just have to tell you that your story-reading antics reminded me of a book my husband used to read to the kids backwards. They only wanted him to read this one book backwards because there was a line that went “But Barney’s horse….” and became “Horse Barney’s Butt” when read backwards. They would laugh for hours – and get riled up and not sleep either.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
My mean mommy seems to make an appearance every time my child keeps me from doing something I want to do, which makes me a selfish mean mommy, which induces a huge amount of guilt when I realize just how selfish (and mean) I am. This guilt is usually blunted by large amounts of chocolate, and sometimes wine, which doesn’t exactly solve the problem but does make me feel somewhat better.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Yes, I too have taken the meanest mommy award going on almost 18 years now. I look forward (well not too much) on the day I become a grandma and can relax!!
September 30th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
You’re not, by any stretch of the imagination, the meanest mommy. Sounds like you handled the situation pretty well to me. But I get that the real issue is how being “mean” makes you feel about yourself. Been there, done that, still doing it. I love your mantra, and I will try it, though as someone who should’ve died years ago, you’d think I’d already be Zen “I could die today” Mama (next PDC meet-up, I’ll tell you about some of my near death experiences–let’s just say I’m approaching catness).
Also, I like the exorcism list, although I think if you look carefully, you’ll see that all three points are basically the same.
P.S. I prefer the Dark Chocolate M&Ms.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I can remember two distinct occasions when Mean Mommy made me do things I regretted. Mean Mommy spanked my son. Now, I never, ever spanked my children, despite living in France and having a French husband who believed spanking was fine. I was quite surprised and never let Mean Mommy take over again. The second time was when I slapped my younger daughter. We were in the kitchen, and I was involved in some complicated version of a Julia Child recipe. Mean Mommy whipped out her hand and hit the soft cheek. I never let her do that again, either. My children are all grown up, and the one who has the most problems is the middle child, the one Mean Mommy never touched. So…. Remember, it is so very tough to be Supermom all the time. I tried, but my only job/responsibility at the time was raising my children and bringing them up bilingual. I always admired the teacher who lived across the street and would sit in her car for 10 minutes before she ventured inside to take over from her babysitter.
PS. Don’t need any sheets since I now run a B&B, but green M&Ms are nice.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I’m so late to this party. I didn’t get my email telling me you’d posted a new blog. Oh well, I’m here now.
First: You are NOT the meanest Mommy in the entire world. Trust me on this. I was! Not really, but I did dramatize my mother a lot when my daughter was young. We came up with a solution to fix me. She didn’t like “mean mom” and I didn’t like doing to my daughter what my mother had done to me. So, when I was “mean mom” I’d put out my hand for my daughter to spank – she was three at the time. I think it took less than a year of getting my hand spanked for me to stop being “mean mom”. And my daughter got to be “in control” of my bad behavior. Which I think really helped her at three, especially since her dad and I were going thru a divorce.
I’m still exorcising my mom from my soul. I’ve been in counseling since the spring of this year – it’s making a world of difference. Also, reading your blog is making a difference. Being on Facebook and hooking up with old friends is making a difference. Being on a very specific to my needs message board is making a difference. Life is starting to look good. And I’m starting to feel better about myself and life.
I loved that you got M&Ms for the airline workers. I love assisting people in having a better day – however I can. Even a smile I think helps. And if I can make a person laugh, it’s all the better. Laughter is the best medicine, in my opinion.
Here’s a hint for when you daughter starts telling you she hates you. I think all parents here this at some point from their kid(s). My daughter was about 10 or 11 when she started (hormones suck). Anyway, here’s my response to “I hate you”: “yes, I know, I’m the worse mommy in the whole entire world”. Guess what, I got hugs and kisses and a complete rebuttal to my comment. It was the best. And my daughter learned that I wasn’t afraid of her words and that she could express her feelings, even if they weren’t nice. I knew it was “the moment” that was causing her to speak meanly to me. And I’m sure it was my Karma for being “mean mommy”. LOL!!!
Back to not wanting to be bothered and being mean mommy – guess what, you’re still you and you still need some time to yourself. Us mommies tend to give and give and give and give, till we have nothing more to give. So, if you’ve done your mom duty and gotten the little one to bed, then you “deserve” (owe yourself) some time to do what you WANT and not what others demand of you. I’m still learning this and my daughter is 23. LOL!!! And my hubby only “demands” his lunch packed, home cooked meals and clean laundry. Not demanding really at all – but I still have that “must take care of all others before taking care of myself” mentality. I’m slowing getting over it. I think I’ll finally be over it when I’m dead. LOL!!!!
September 30th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I love that you are all putting vibes out to the universe as to what type of surprise gift you wouldn’t mind getting in the mail. Thanks for all the great leads!
September 30th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
About the email updates: they go out late–hours after I post. I’m in the process of trying to fix this, but I’m hitting some roadblocks. Just love technology. (Yes, that was sarcasm). It’s a good thing that computer programs are not sentient beings or I’d be in massive Karmic trouble.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Alisa…no no…I’m the meanest, most horrible mommy. But these will make you laugh:
* I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
* I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
* There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
* Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
* Was learning cursive really necessary?
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger..
* How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
* I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
* Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
* I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my document that I swear I did not make any changes to.
* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
* Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
* I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
September 30th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
@Melanie – those were AWESOME!
September 30th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Melanie, I can teach you how to fold a fitted sheet. My girl friend taught me a good 25 or more years ago.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Hi Alisa! You aren’t a bad mommy. Trust me. No, I’m not a mommy and nor do I plan on having children, but I did have a mother AND step-mother. My step-mother is nasty. The last thing she ever told me was that I was a b**** and I was barely 12 years old. Awesome. My mom has good moments and bad. She said a lot of stuff to hurt me when I was in high school (slut, dike, you know, the loving kind names) and on my wedding day, she never said that I was beautiful or pretty or even decent looking, but my sister’s nick-name is pretty girl. And the thing is, if she saw this post, she would make me feel guilty for even thinking it, let alone for even typing it.
As for what happened between you and your daughter, that is normal. She needs to see you upset. If no one got upset at her ever, her life would be difficult when she got older and wouldn’t know how to deal with it. She knew that she was being a pistol and by her saying that she is sorry, it’s more of a learning experience.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
I should comment today instead of just reading my e-mail subscription and then clicking delete (although, know that I do think about what you say and chat about it with the rest of mean mommies I hang out with). I am a WAHM and I work at night after mothering all day. Last night at 2 AM (after listening to a taped con call from work that I figured would act as a good sedative), my 9 month old wanted more milk, my almost four year old wanted to come sleep with me and my six year old peed the bed (again). I was so tired…mean mommy surfaced when, after tending to all their needs, I didn’t just cave and let the four year old into my bed (despite her sobbing about how lonely she was [if that isn't mean mommy-worthy, I don't know what else is!]). I said “OK. It’s two in the morning, everyone needs to go back to bed and asleep.” And I did too which meant that Nice Mommy could wake up and juggle the various needs of these three, get them off to school, come home and pump (ugh!) and then spend the rest of the day running errands. So, in some ways, I think I may be entitled to those moments. Anyway, I let myself off the hook and I think we all should! Peace out.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Oh, Alisa, you are in such good company! I’m still beating myself up over Mean Mommy stuff I did 35 years ago. The good news is my kid only remembers the Good Mommy–or at least that’s what she claims but then she still needs me for important stuff like babysitting. Which brings me to the really good news. On that parenting thing? You get a mulligan. It’s called grandchildren. Tonight is sleep-over night and, once again (even before reading your blog) I was reminded how I am never Mean Mimi. I can hear, “Miiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiii” a dozen times and never lose my patience.
I so enjoy your blog. Your candor and honest humanity are a breath of fresh air. I think your daughter is a pretty lucky little girl.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
This is my first time leaving a comment on your site,but a faithful reader everday. I have always wanted to,but am shy but I just had to leave one in this one.
You are not mean at all. Atleast not compared to me. I am always mad….seriously. Maybe it’s to do with my bad relationship with my hubby. We have been married since february…yes this year but started living together in 2006 october. Met him with a son(4yrs now but 10 mos at the time we met) who I take care of full time together with our son who will betwo in nov. And guess am pregnant due in march.
Your blog helps me a lot. But my hubby gets on my nerves always. It turns me to mean wife and mean mommy. Everyday I tell myself I won’t be mad,but as soon as the kids get up,I can’t help it. I feel terrible abt it. I yell and cuss and yell again all day then when my hubby gets home I just want to get a divorce.
I know I won’t be ur favorite. I don’t mind the dildo being my hubby and I are not having sex and I love sex and yes we don’t even sleep in the same room. I must have the worst marriage and the meanest mommy.
Breathe…..
However I purposely try to get better at it everyday.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Ha! Mean Mommy lives in all of us. I used to warn my children that bedtime was at 9 PM, because after that, I couldn’t promise that Mean Mommy wouldn’t pop out! They survived childhood (and one of them is has even commented here today). As long as Mean Mommy is an infrequent visitor, it’s fine. Kids need to know that all of us have limits.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Thank you. In my house, “Mean Mommy” translates into “Mother of the Year”! I’m pretty sure that I have won this award hands-down for the past 12 years and will probably continue winning for years to come! Comments like,”Why are you always grumpy?”, “I hate you” and the “You need to relax” are used on a daily basis around here. “Grumpy…I’ll tell you why I’m GRUMPY”, “I’m not really liking you right now either!” (mumbled quietly (by me) as one of my daughters slam the door shut) and “RELAX?!?….How can you tell me to relax?”. I mean really… listening and dealing with these on a daily basis is enough to wear anyone down…..
I once read that the mother/daughter relationship is the most difficult, but also the deepest, most rewarding relationship, of any of the family pairings (father/daughter, father/son). When I sat back and really thought about it, I was pleasantly surprised that I found it both reassuring and enlightening. “OK! I’m doing something right!” because if you want difficult, you’ve come to the right house!
Now I must go to bed….so that I can recharge my drained battery, so that I can, prepare for another day of deeply rewarding turmoil! Cheers!
You want to talk about Karma! I’ve sworn (and trust me, there’s been a lot of swearing over the years!) to never make the wish, for either of my girls, “I can’t wait until you have one of your own!”. I’d also like to say, “Mom, I love you and I’m sorry that I was such a shit growing up” and “Yes, I not only got one, I got two of my own!!”
September 30th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
@ M
You made my night. Hands down I think urs is the funniest. I still can’t stop laughing.
So anyway I have two sons(I consider my step son mine being I raised him fron 10 mos and he calls me mommy) and am pregnant. I have been yearning for a daughter. I was so sure my second son was a girl,I had written the memo of the first sonogram pictures in pink ink!!!!till I found out it was a boy. I don’t know if I still want a daughter,ur story reminded me of how I was difficult,I don’t think I would be able to deal with me if I had her as a daughter.
Totally loved ur comment M,am still laughing
October 1st, 2009 at 12:06 am
I agree, Melanie is hilarious, in a great way! Thanks for the laugh, so true–all of them! Alisa, I’m not a mom, but I think we ALL have a mean-streak within us–whether that comes out as mean mommy, mean wife or mean daughter–whatever the case may be–it’s in there. We’re all given free will, and let’s face it, life isn’t easy. It’s hard at times to NOT get impatient with others–to ALWAYS put yourself second on the list. To give up YOUR time (writing, watching TV, however you want to spend time alone) consistently must be even more difficult. I really enjoyed this post, I appreciate your honesty–and just remember this: there is no child alive who didn’t survive having a “mean mommy” at times. My mom was mean sometimes (love her dearly, though) and I’m sure if/when I become a mom–I’ll be mean at times too. I think as long as mommies aren’t literally abusing their children–than they’re not really mean mommies–perhaps they’re more like tired, impatient, worn-out mommies! I hope this helps! Have a great night!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. Your daughter writing an ‘I’m Sorry’ note is absolutely precious and wonderful! That is a moment you’ll remember forever; isn’t it funny how children often teach us SO much more than we teach ourselves? Amazing!
October 1st, 2009 at 7:51 am
You may be a wee bit mean, but not as mean as I was when my son complained and complained (and complained) that his wrist hurt (he had fallen on it a week earlier). I kept telling him “you’re fine,” thinking that he was just being a big baby. He complained enough that I finally gave in and took him to the doctor. His wrist was x-rayed and um, it was, um….broken. So, if you look in the dictionary under “Mean” and see my photo, you’ll understand.
October 1st, 2009 at 8:27 am
It is so comforting to know that there are so many Mean Mommies out there. To think, all this time, I thought I was the only one!
October 1st, 2009 at 8:29 am
Melanie…
I can help you with the fitted sheet folding dilemma. Cuff each of the fitted corners over your one hand. The logical way will come. Don’t make it harder than it is! Then stretch it out straight with the corners all on top of each other. It will automatically fold over on one side. Make sure the end with the cuff is folded toward the middle too. If its a queen size, bring the flat side up to meet the side already folded in, then fold in half. From the short end, fold in half and in half again. Voila!
This was deminstrated on the Phil Donahue Show back in the middle ’70′s! I have been folding fitted sheets this way since then! Practice makes better. Nothing’s perfect and we are nuts if we try to attain it!
Oh, Alisa…
This wasn’t mean mommy! You merely had limited energy and were still trying to function. Your Karma isn’t going to back up on you for disciplinning your child.
As a Gramma, I learned a little trick about children and sleeping. My grandson didn’t want to take a nap after a busy day out and about with us. I told him he didn’t have to go to sleep, but he needed to lie down and rest for a while. He did and was asleep within minutes. At bedtime, I have said that, too, and added the rules: no lights, toys in the bed or talking. He must stay in bed except to use the bathroom. He went to sleep.
Someone once told me about reading to a child at bedtime. You can’t use theatrics like making different voices for the characters and fluctuating your voice. It must be done in monotone to bore them to sleep. Save the creative reading for afternoons when they can help with the characterizations. This works too.
Good luck to all who try these things. Enjoy results.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:24 am
You know I’m right there with you on being mean mommy. And you know that I wrote about it here: http://thismommygig.org/2009/08/27/cuff-me-and-haul-me-away/ – it’s just that people keep telling me that soon my 3 year-olds are going to be 16 and not want to talk to me and that I’ll be sad when they don’t need me anymore. And I’m looking at them like they have 5 heads. Seriously, that day can not come soon enough. Let me beg for 5 minutes of their time…that sounds freakin’ awesome.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:18 am
Good timing on this post! While I don’t have any kids yet, lately I’ve been feeling like the mean wife. Everything seems to be bothering me and my husband can’t do anything right. Thanks for the perspective, maybe now I can step back and find the joy in my life instead of the annoyances.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:34 am
This morning I found myself in my usual rush: I had to get lots done on the computer before I had to leave for a funeral.
I turned on my computer. It began its usual SLOW SLOW start up, and I started screaming in my head: “Come on you GD, MF, piece of S..t, get going” I am ashamed to say senior citizens think this way. Does that make us bad people destined to return as stink bugs.
Could be.
Similarly, in my health club’s locker room I was trying really hard to be speedy and get home so I could curse at my computer, but clogging up all the mirrors were young women doing everything from plucking their eyebrows, to curling their eye lashes, and making it impossible for me to use the few plugs to dry my hair. Again, in my head, I said some very nasty things to those women.
But I did not say them out loud. I did not hit anyone (although I sure felt like it).
And then there is Facebook. Need I describe how many times I curse the entries like “I got up today with a headache.” Really, I say to myself, like I care.
Or the drivers I pass who are talking on cell phones: “Go on,” I scream in my head, “You stupid F–K: Kill someone.”
I think thoughts are just that, thoughts. We work out in our irritable minds the fury of those inconveniences that life throws our way. We have enough self control, however, not to act on these thoughts.
Do I wish I was less irritable. Do I wish I could acquire a more patient, calm, accepting personality. Yes, I do. But meditate as I do, and try as I do, I do not think I will make it in the years I have left.
So if that means I return as a stink bug, so be it.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:00 am
Looks like there were lots of us who read the whole thing!
I LOL’ed when you mentioned thinking mean things about people walking slow in front of you! I can sooo relate! I am generally a very nice person, so I also catch myself thinking those things sometimes, and then I think, OMG, I’m awful… Or in traffic, when I get the same thoughts/feelings, I then think, That person could be my sweet, 80 year-old Dad… How mean of me to be impatient and think they are idiots for not being in as big of a hurry as me!
As far as mean-mommies go, EVERY mommy has mean-mommy inside herself somewhere. You should give yourself credit for recognizing and fighting her, as not all parents do, unfortunately. Some mommies I’m sure, are much more dominated by mean-mommie!
I have a 2-year old, so I struggle with: mean-mommy, push-over-mommy (because he’s so darn cute!) and healthy, disciplinarian mommy (because I never had much discipline myself!) Sometimes I think I’m too much of a push-over because every night he wants me to lay down with him. I always tell him I have to go to my bed in a few minutes, but every time I start to go, he wraps his precious, little, plump arms around my neck and says, “No mommy… Mommy too!” And I just can’t go. I fall asleep in his race car bed! (Because everyone says not to let them sleep in your bed, right!)
October 1st, 2009 at 11:56 am
You know Alisa you were right!
-well not about you being a mean mommy but how you said that everyone was going to comment and make you feel better.
-well the truth is everyone and anyone that has a young child knows that we as woman are just programed to act like that when a child is annoying. Every single woman that i know is like that.many will deny it but we all do. there is nothing we can really do about it .i mean what do you expect when you have to be a wife and a mom to a young child. it is very hard work and i think a lot of men or women that have children realize that. we go trough a lot of things.
I think im a mean mom and wife! I have a one year old son that is a little demon. he gets into everything in the house. i swear he has like some compulsive disorder that does not let him stay still for more then 3 seconds at a time. even when he eats he can not stay still. and when my husbad does something wrong like trow a wet bath towel on the floor when he is done using it, i get really pissed and he already knows what im going to say to him. i dont like when people make a mess when im done cleaning.Ahh and i hate when my own mother tells me that i dont take care of my son right just because im not always behind him on every little step he makes. i really dont have the time and energy to follow him around all day.
- oh and as far as the advice goes i think its good to get away from your little one every once in a while. like i bet it feels goot to go to the store without a screaming child.
-why doesnt your husband help around you should ask him to take ur little one to the park or somewhere not close to you.
thats what i do my hubby takes my baby out sometimes and i just sit at home and read a good book(twilight) and just relax
October 1st, 2009 at 12:01 pm
oh and thaks for sending me the sheets i will keep a look out for them!!
and the lady that said she didnt want the dildo ….
shoot ill take it too!!
im always up for a new adventure!!
October 1st, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Damn it, Janet! Men read and comment too! :~)
Please send Janet a dildo.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Oh, feel the need to add: my husband does help a lot (this was not always the case). On the night I wrote this, he was not home. It was his free night. I have a free night, too. But the night before, I had come home from being away for four days and found that he had not only cleaned the entire house, he had also rearranged and scrubbed down the entire fridge. And he and my daughter made Welcome Home Mommy pictures and hung them all over the house. I’m very happy with him right now–even if he wasn’t home to prevent the rising of Mean Mommy.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
How do some of you have your pictures on here? I want my picture on here too! : )
October 1st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Kim: if you go to this site, it will walk you through how to make a gravitar that will appear whenever you leave a comment on any site: http://en.gravatar.com/
October 1st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
sorry chris i forgot that men read this blog!!
but i did not mean to offen you or any men i just think men need to step it up a notch!
but that is good that u are reading this because maybe you want to understand us crazy women!!
-n yes send me the dildo!!!
October 1st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Alisa:
i think it is great that your husband does help it is always nice to hear that men help around especially since they are the ones that make the mess most of the times
sorry chris!!
October 1st, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Janet – No offense taken. However, I think that many women might consider raising their man-selection standards a notch. Caveat emptor and all that…
October 1st, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I learned not all that long ago that everyday something has to give – husband, family, work or self . It might be a sacrifice at work to attend a school event or vice versa. At the end of the week if all of those people and items on my list has been sacrificed fairly equally, then I’m doing pretty well.
When it’s been one of those weeks my friends and I support each other with this: “That’s OK, I’m driving the bus to he**, want to get on?”
October 1st, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Thanks Alisa! And like your post, GroovyGranny! Good advice also from SG and MiMi!
October 1st, 2009 at 8:36 pm
M&Ms have a remarkable healing quality — right?
Fun post – lots to think about.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:35 pm
We are not Mean Mommies, we are Human Mommies. We don’t expect our kids to be happy, cheery, kind people all of the time, so why should we expect it of ourselves?
October 1st, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Thank you for this. My boyfriend brought it to my attention after I had a stellarly bad week with my 8yr old daughter. I needed to see that I am not the only one harboring a Mean Mommy inside and mine comes out at bedtime, too!
October 1st, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Alisa, I love your blog. I read it, and laugh, and relate, and wonder why I didn’t have the courage to admit the same thing to myself. I just got married, and really appreciate the reality of your relationship with your husband.
So here’s to sappy comments, but it’s my first time, and I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your transparency, and am inspired myself to write!
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:35 am
The M&M story reminds me of the time I got stuck with a canceled flight at JFK on my way back from Belgium. I had a whole grocery bag of Belgian chocolate stuck in my carry on (that I had planned on hoarding mainly to myself, with maybe giving away one or two to my fiance). As more and more flights got canceled due to bad weather, the line grew longer and longer – complete with screaming kids and irate customers. I decided it was time to bring out the Big Guns. I opened my bags and started handing out Belgian chocolate to people saying “well, it sucks we’re in this mess but at least we can eat chocolate while waiting!” And you know the craziest thing? MOST PEOPLE SAID NO!!!!!!!
What kind of crazy world is this?
But I ended up with more chocolate for myself. And in a Mean Mommy kind of way, I was quite happy about that
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
HEY THANKS ALISA,
I GOT THE SHEETS YESTERDAY. LOVE THEM!!
I ALREADY PUT THEM ON MY LITTLE TINY BED
THANKS ALOT,
GOT ANY MORE DILDOS?
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Wow–I honestly never expected this many people to read the entire post and to comment. This might have won the world record for the longest blog post ever. It’s definitely my most commented on post. Anyway, since I technically posted it in September and it is now October, I’ve decided to give the initial Reader Appreciation Karma Award to one of you. I’ll spend the weekend going through the comments and deciding on who will get a surprise in the mail.
Then I’ll pick another reader to reward a month from now, and one every month afterward. Thanks for reading everyone!
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Alisa, I think that you might have just formed the 1st Chapter of MMU (Mean Mommies Unite)! Thanks to everyone for making me feel sane in this insane world of Parenting!
October 4th, 2009 at 9:25 am
This is the very first time ever I’ve replied to a blog. Actually, my husband is the one who signed me up to receive your automatic blog. I like it. And, dare I say, its possibly helping to save some pieces of my marraige. What I want to say is this: When I read the litany of things you accomplished in one day, then the various mommy-duties involved on top of that, I identified. I have two small children, 4 and 6. I’m a part-time acupuncturist and a part-time yoga teacher and a full-time mom. I absolutely love all three jobs, wouldn’t change my life for anyone else’s and yet my big complaint is this: What about me?! All day long I give and care for others. Sometimes getting 5 minutes alone in the bathroom is a big accomplishment! Mean mommy comes because she’s been crying at me (you) all day long to give her some attention! In the few minutes I’ve spent writing this: A) My husband came to ask what I’m doing. When I told him, he asked, “Is it about me?” (answer – NO) B) My boys came here fighting (literally, with boxing gloves) and yelling and generally breaking my concentration, and C) The cat came in scratching as if someone had set her ear on fire, reminding me it may once again be time for a flea treatment. When is the attention on or about me?!! Mean mommy is sometimes about survival when everyone around you demands so entirely much that there is literally NOTHING left to give. She’s about feeding yourself because you’ve given away all your food to everyone else. She’s about reclaiming space in what feels like a box when everyone around you is cozy and comfy living in what looks like a palace. Why is it not o.k. to make time for ourselves? (To write our blog or post a blog response) I see it all the time with my acupuncture patients (mostly women) who are so darn tired of giving to everyone else. They never learned how or were never told its o.k. to give back to us! Anyways, I just wanted to say, stop beating yourself up about mean mommy. It doesn’t mean you love your daughter any less. And in the long run, as a future mommy, you may be teaching her a valuable skill about self-preservation.
October 4th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Michelle–VERY well said. Thank you for taking the time to comment. Here’s to some peace and free time for all of us!
October 4th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
You are NOT the meanest mommy in the world…though it’s easy to feel that way when you’re busy, stressed or freakin’ tired – those are times when my mean mommy comes out. Thankfully my kids aren’t old enough to call me that, but I know when it’s happening and can call myself mean mommy, among other things. I don’t think there’s any way to “exorcise” mean mommy from us…it’s like trying to exorcise bitchy wife or bitchy coworker – they’re always there because there’s just something that will set it off. It’s easier to recognize when those ‘people’ are coming out and keep them inside, deal with the moment, then go stuff your face with chocolate and wine later to make it all better.
October 4th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Hey Alisa!
I just found a bunch of emails in my inbox from Wed that I never saw (where were they, I wonder? Or do I just have blind spot on Wednesday afternoon?). I LOVED this post. As you know, I am not a mom, but I relate to ‘mean mommy’…I think there is a mean monster in all of us – mine came out the other day at my casting house with the sweetest person there because I jumped to a conclusion about something…I’ve been beating myself up ever since. And, I can relate to the ‘things you’d like to exorcise’ – I have a pretty substantial list – one of my first is ‘Complaining’ because I think it might be the precursor, for me, for several of the other things on my list.
I just want you to know I think you are an amazing woman, and the fact that you are doing things (vs. nothing at all…) to improve your interactions with yourself and the world around you is inspirational. Thank you so much for being so transparent and sharing so much of yourself – that too is inspirational.
Payson
October 5th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
This post was hilarious and I can totally see this as a sitcom on TV. I want a sitcom from you–how soon can you make that happen?
“I ignored her, figuring that she was probably done with the ice and that it was melting all over her bed and that is was making the biggest wet spot imaginable and that I so didn’t care.”
I love it…good grief, does that make me a BAD future father? In any case, you are working hard and I don’t really know how you do it all–but you’re doing it. I’m playing catch up and I’m reading a few of your posts today–so if I’m commenting everywhere, I’m not stalking–just really dig’n your stuff!
Miss you on Twitter, sister!
October 6th, 2009 at 10:44 am
I am just finally having time to read this one. I am so glad to know that I’m not alone in my struggle to strangle the living crap out of myself when I am being mean mommy. I love my boys more than anything, but I am the bread winner at my house, so when I get home, they are all over me and my husband is like..”See ya, I’m outta here!!” He has had enough after being with the 1 year old all day ( if 8-4 is all day) and the the 5 year old for an hour after kindergarten. He goes down to the basement and hides out while I spend time with the boys, go to the bathroom and try to get supper going all while the 1 year old clamours (sp?) MAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!!! And the 5 year old says “Can’t I play video games? Please? Huh? Huh?” “YES!!! Go play the damn things and leave me alone!!!!” MY time I guess is supposed to be the 15 minutes that it takes me to drive back and forth to work. I am lucky I have such an understanding best friend because she often takes a backseat (She has no kids) and more often I have to cut our conversations short because somebody is yelling “MMMMOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!” And when we do talk she has to listen to be complain about whatever. When it is finally 10 at night and the kids are both finally sleeping, then I may have 15 more minutes to myself, if I can stay awake that long. The biggest football game for the Vikings last night and I missed the 2nd half of the the 4th quarter because I just couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore and the hubby thinks this is his time to get lucky. Sorry, honey!!! You better just head back to the basement!!!
October 6th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Amy: Why the h(&^* are you the one fixing dinner!?!
October 6th, 2009 at 11:03 am
YEA AMY!!
WHY THE F*** ARE YOU THE ONE THAT HAS TO FIX DINNER WHEN YOUR HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING THE KIDS. I THINK HE NEEDS TO HELP OUT. ITS NOT RIGHT THAT YOU COME HOME FROM WORK AND THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE DINNER SHOOT I THINK YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD HAVE DINNER READY BY THE TIME YOU STEP FOOT ON THE FRON DOOR
October 6th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Thanks ladies!! He swears he can cook but other than breakfast he has yet to prove it to me. Dinner isn’t really the problem, because I do love to cook. The part I don’t understand is when he says I don’t understand what it is like to be with the kids “all the time”. I figure I am with them 16 out of 24 hours 4 days a week and 24 hours the rest of the time. Oh and just to add more heat to the fire, did I mention I also work another part time job, that he constantly bitches about me being gone to even tho it is only about 4-5 hours every 2 weeks? But ladies, even tho I bitch and whine, this is my bed I’ve made and I will lie in it. I keep repeating the mantra, Divorce is not an option. Divorce is not an option. My boys love their daddy so much, and when things are good for us they are very good. Unfortunatly, the bad days are frequent and very bad. I keep trying to take the high road. I keep trying to remember the 10 relationship rules, but sometimes I just need a beer instead!!! LOL Thanks for listening and like I said before, it sure is good to know I am not alone!! I hope dinner is on the table for you when you get home!!!
October 6th, 2009 at 11:16 am
PS Alissa…. I keep forgetting until I hit submit….. I can’t wait to get my dildo!!! BAHAHAAA!!!!!!
October 6th, 2009 at 11:31 am
AWW MAN AMY YOUR THE ONE THAT WON THE DILDO!
LUCKY YOU!!!!
HOPE U HAVE LOTS OF FUN WITH THAT
October 6th, 2009 at 11:40 am
LADIES–for what it’s worth, I’m working with a company that might allow me to do another dildo promotion. So… fingers crossed.
As for September’s prize for my favorite commenter. It will go to Melanie. Melanie: I’ll be in touch via email to find out where to send it.
And then another surprise gift at the end of this month for another commenter. Thanks everyone!
July 29th, 2010 at 12:29 am
I used to have a problem with Mean Mommy, myself. She made me feel horrible. Since then, my son’s father & I have divorced, and now my son lives with his dad in another state (for very complicated reasons that I prefer not to go into). When I get the chance to spend time with him, now, Mean Mommy doesn’t get the chance to make an appearance, because it’s much easier for me to remember to just be grateful for the time that I have with him. However, the feeling like Mean Mommy occasionally has been replaced by feeling like Worthless Mommy constantly. I was the one who took care of him 24/7 for the first 10 years of his life – now, I’m not the one that takes care of his needs on a daily basis, anymore. I’m not always there to kiss his boo boos (although, apparently, he’s too old for that, now), or hug him when he feels down, or make his favorite foods, or any of the things that I used to take for granted. I would much rather feel like Mean Mommy occasionally.
Cut yourself some slack, Alisa. You are a great, loving mother. I’m sure that she has no doubt that you love her with your whole heart! And there are much worse things that you can be to your child than to be Mean Mommy on occasion.