I was once a doormat who felt taken advantage of. Now I’m a confident woman who asks for what she wants. I’ve gone from endlessly waging the same tired argument with my husband to solving problems and moving forward to happily ever after. What follows are lessons that have helped me to become a better communicator. I hope you find them helpful—both in your marriage and in your life.
1. Stop playing tug of war. A tug-of-war argument functions a lot like a debate. You put him down. He puts you down. You defend yourself. He defends himself. You say something nasty. He says something nasty right back. You blame him. He blames you. You have to break this cycle and let go of the rope in order to communicate effectively, and usually one of you will have to let go first. That someone might as well be you, because you’re the one who is here reading this blog. Whenever you catch yourself feeling reactive—needing to justify your actions, defend yourself, or convince your spouse that he’s an even more despicable excuse for a human being than he thinks you are—just take a time out. Get away from the situation and talk to yourself. Remind yourself that:
- Retaliation never works. It ALWAYS brings you to a worse place. If you don’t believe me, start keeping a journal and jot down notes every time you retaliate—even outside of marriage. See if it ever improves your life or your mood.
- You want a happy marriage, and staying mired in a Tug of War isn’t going to make that happen.
- Being the big person might not be fair, but it’s the only viable option.
- It’s not your fault, but it’s not his fault, either. Communication is a skill, one you both need to practice.
2. Know what you want. If you are angry, but you don’t know what you want? Don’t fight. Do something else. Exercise. Watch a sad movie (to trigger a cathartic moment). Laugh with some friends. Do something to shed the anger so you can get clear headed again and know exactly what you want your partner to do.
3. If your partner is angry, listen. Don’t try to convince your partner why he or she shouldn’t be angry. That never works. Again, if you don’t believe me, keep a journal and notice what happens whenever you try to tell a really pissed off person why he or she shouldn’t be so pissed off. It pisses them off even more. Angry people just want two things: 1) to be heard 2) to be understood. You can only diffuse the anger if you listen and repeat back what your partner just said, to make sure you heard it clearly.
4. Become comfortable with the words, “I’m” and “sorry.” It’s really okay to say them, even if you don’t think you were wrong. You can diffuse anger by saying, “I’m sorry you are so upset with me” or “I’m sorry we can’t seem to come to a consensus about this.”
5. If your partner asks you to change your behavior and it’s within the realm of something you can do? Do it. So often we resist change. We tell ourselves things like, “He knew I was like this when he met me” and “Why doesn’t he love the real me?” Learn how to separate your spouse’s feelings about your behavior from your spouse’s love of you. They are two different things.
6. Stop keeping score. It doesn’t matter if you gave in last time. It doesn’t matter if your spouse has asked you to make more changes than you’ve asked of him. It just doesn’t matter. You want a happy marriage? Solve problems. Listen. Change your behavior when your spouse asks you to.
7. Learn how to accept your differences. Sometimes you will not agree. Whenever that happens, pose this question, “We don’t see eye to eye on this. What are some alternative solutions that would allow us to meet in the middle?”
8. Stop predicting what your spouse will do. I used to argue with myself before I ever argued with my husband, mentally telling myself, “If I say this, then he’s going to say that.” By assuming that he would react negatively to anything I said, I encouraged myself to back down without ever saying anything. I’ve since learned that my husband is amenable to MOST of my requests. He rarely reacts in the negative, nasty way that my mind predicts.
9. Stop labeling your spouse. Labels—like false predictions—tend to get in the way of communication. If you think that your spouse is “bad” or “angry” or “lazy” or any number of other things, you’ll have a very hard time noticing all of the times he is not acting according to your label.
10. Know what you have in common. Your spouse, just like you, wants the same thing—a happy marriage. Your spouse wants you to love him, just like you want him to love you. Your spouse doesn’t like it when you are angry, just like you don’t like it when he’s angry with you. Your spouse doesn’t like it when you are snarky and sarcastic about his behavior, just as you don’t like when he is the same way with you. If you remember what you have in common, you can use it to diffuse escalating anger, by stating something you know he also wants, such as, “I just want you to love me” or “I wish we didn’t fight so much” or “I hate feeling this angry. I don’t want to be mad at you.”
11. Keep trying. Communication is a skill, one that you get better at over time.
What are your best communication secrets? Share them in the comments area.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
These are great tips — thanks for reminding me.
I was told by an older friend to apologize to my hubby. I so DIDN’T want to apologize. I didn’t do anything to be sorry for. Well, she explained, you don’t have to mean it, just say the words “I’m sorry” to him. I did! What a difference. It was one of the best lessons I was taught. And you know what, it’s so much easier to say those two words now.
The other night hubby and I got into over “nothing”. I was feeling lonely and bored most of the day. We started fixing the upset, but he continued to talk angrily at me. I finally asked, what’s up with the angry voice. He was still mad and needed vent about what I’d done. So I let him. After a few minutes the angry voice was still there. So I asked, is there something else you’re still mad about? He needed to say something more about the original upset or something else entirely. But he finally got done with the angry voice.
That’s something I’ve been really trying not to have – the angry voice. I try to talk as normally as possible. Because I now get how the angry voice just doesn’t help the situation at ALL.
Marriage – it’s not always a walk in the park on a perfectly beautiful day. It takes some work. And a lot of patience. Which is NOT my strong suit. LOL!!!
Also, telling my hubby what’s going on with me, stops so many fights before they happen. What is it with us women (or maybe just me), that when I’m feeling low (lonely and bored are my two new best friends) that I want to pick a fight or a fight “just” happens with my hubby? I’ve pretty much figured out, it’s at least some “excitement” in my “boring and lonely” day. Well, yesterday I was having such a day – actually got pretty depressed by it – so when hubby called to say he was on his way home from work, I just told him, “I’ve been really depressed today”. And then told him why. Guess what, he invited me to watch some TV with him. Not my most favorite “interaction” with hubby, but it was his way of being with me. I didn’t go to bed “lonely and bored” last night.
I’m learning, finally!
I love your blog, Alisa. It is always so insightful and since finding it, I’ve learned so much. Thanks for taking the time to write it and share it with us all.
Most of the tips I’ve been trying to cultivate, you mentioned. Biting my tongue is one of the hardest things. I’m a reactor, especially with my husband. Then he reacts. And we both like to get the last word in. We’ve talked about this and really worked at it, so it doesn’t happen as often anymore. Biting my tongue, walking away, saying “I just need to be alone”… those are some of the bet things I’ve learned in the midst of a fight about, essentially, nothing.
I’m also like Kathy and realize that when I have too much time to myself and feel bored and antsy, I’m ready for a fight. I want my husband to entertain me, to make me feel excitment, and he can’t do that for me. I need to get off my duff and do it for myself. So, like Kathy, I realize when I’ve been sitting around for too long and, even if I don’t do anything about it, I know that’s why I’m quick to get defensive.
Turning the microscope on myself also helps when I feel like my husband isn’t being fair or isn’t being “Prince Charming.” When I find something might feel lacking to me, I ask myself, “What makes you think you’re so perfect?” It’s helped bring my expectations back to reality many times, and prevented many “high expectations not being met” fights.
One thing I try to remind myself when I find myself talking in a not-so-nice tone to my husband is how I talked to him when we were first dating, or how I would talk to a good friend. I wasn’t/wouldn’t be sarcastic and snarky, nor would I be nasty. When I try to talk to him like I used to, my bad feelings usually dissipate and I’m much more able to communicate more effectively. And, by the way, I guess it works most of the time, since we’ve been married all these years! (28).
wow! good stuff.
To add to Alisa’s comment about a journal, I have journaled for a long time and it really helps. What I would suggest too is to not only write in there when you are upset and things are yucky, but write about good days and moments. I am tempted sometimes to re-read the journal when I am down, it is nice to come across some victories and not just rehash all the defeats.
My husband and I have been spiraling toward the end for some time now. Back about 7 years ago, I started going to counseling and my husband came with me. In hindsight, he started coming with me just to defend himself. In the sessions, I remember the counselor trying to get us to do the whole listening technique that Alisa refers to. Where you just listen and then echo back what you heard so that the other person feels validated. Well, my husband thought it was the stupidest thing he ever heard and told the counselor that. The counselor said, “don’t you care what your wife is feeling or thinking about?” and my husband looked him in the eye and said “No”. I thought the counselor’s eyes would pop out. Needless to say I was feeling rather adrift after that session. We stopped going. We agreed to just go through the motions until our son went to College. Well, he is now in 5th grade. So… yeah, now you understand how I came to find this blog.
Even though your husband may be the macho, critical type who feels annoyed with “all this touchy-feely #*@%”, go ahead and try what Alisa suggests. I have noticed over time that what Alisa describes here can have a positive impact, even if you are the one who has to initiate it AGAIN. I have noticed that as our time together seems much less about defending ourselves from each other , we are s-l-o-w-l-y getting back to being able to just tolerate being around each other. We are a long way from being close again, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am beginning to hope that it isn’t an oncoming train.
Alisa your post hit close to home! My husband and I were just talking about this last night over dinner. I think the one thing I need to remember most is how we solved conflicts when we were dating. We had a short dating period before we married with communication as a priority in making our marriage work. We’re both quick with comebacks and that often doesn’t help the situation any. I posted a copy on the refrigerator to remind both of us how to calmly and rationally speak to one another. It’s only been a few days, but I can see the difference in already!
I think these are helpful tips, although I have to say having someone say to me “I’m sorry you’re so angry” is not something I find constructive. Maybe it’s just me, but I would rather get a response that helps address the problem and find a solution.
I love the focus on solutions vibe you’ve got going here. So cool!
I agree that “I’m sorry your so angry” doesn’t convey to me a feeling of understanding or sympathy, but a selfish meaning of ‘I’m sorry that you are feeling that way and that its making my day suck.’ Maybe I hear it that way, because that is the way I use it. I’m working hard to add “I’m Sorry” to my vocabulary, and to cut off its tail ending of “that you feel that way”
My husband and I set up a list of ground rules for a conversation (argument) one day while we were both calm. It had an “I will… ” section for us both, and then a “we will…” section. its hard to stick to, but helps to keep our spats in the realm of decent.
Honesty always do good !!
and never lie ..but avoid answering .. go around the question OR simply ; answer with a question !!
You know I was rereading these tips and it occurred to me that without much retooling this could be the holy grail list of business communication or just communication in general. Pure gold here Alisa.
.-= Rachel W.´s last blog ..Buzz (Zzzzzz) =-.