17 Happy Marriage Tips
So, yesterday, I wrote that my next post would include my top marriage tips. Then I woke up today and I had one of my usual crises of confidence. I said to myself, “What the hell do I—of all people—know about marriage?!”
I had to remind myself that I am, indeed, married. So there’s that. And I once had a sucky marriage and now I have a pretty awesome one. So there’s that, too.
But, for whatever reason, I’m feeling as if I should test the following tips—to make sure that they are actually helpful to others. I didn’t have time to do that between yesterday and today, though. So I’d love if you would report back here and let me know what you think. Do they suck? Are they helpful? Sexist? Right on? You, my friends, are the ultimate test.
- Before you can save your marriage, you first must save yourself. Take care of your health and your peace of mind. Find yourself. Get centered. Become a complete person.
- To save your marriage, you might have to work just as hard—if not harder—than your spouse. You might have to instigate change. You might have to –time and time again—be the big person. You might have to endure some really crummy crap. This isn’t fair, of course, but it might be the only way that works. And, once you get to a happier place, you won’t care so much that it wasn’t fair.
- It’s not easy to save a marriage. You’ll have to do a lot of things that you don’t like, that aren’t fair, and that will bring you out of your comfort zone. If this were not the case, more people would save their marriages.
- Your spouse may not know what you want unless you ask for it.
- Most people enjoy seeing other people happy. Your spouse is probably one of them. The main reason your spouse doesn’t make you happy? He or she doesn’t know how.
- Our minds often conjure up pretty effective delusions that stand in the way of getting to a happier place. Whenever you find yourself making excuses—especially if they are excuses for giving up—ask yourself, “Am I looking at this realistically? Is my spouse really THAT evil? Am I preventing myself from seeing the good and only allowing myself to see the bad?”
- Men: your wife probably wants you to do more around the house, and she wants you to do more because she’s exhausted and feels like she’s treading water with cement blocks tied to her feet. The sensation that one is about to drown? It’s not a turn on. If you want your wife to feel sexy, think about cleaning the house and giving your kids a bath, among other things.
- Women: your man probably gets grumpy when he hasn’t had a release in a good long while. If you want him to be a more enjoyable person to co-exist with, perhaps a blowjob is in order.
- Men and Women: Sometimes the sex roles in #7 and #8 are reversed. Think about whether that is the case in your relationship. Same sex couples: I think #7 and #8 probably still apply, but I can’t begin to figure out how to phrase the gender pronouns.
- The early years of parenthood are taxing on all marriages. Stop beating yourself up for not feeling “in love” with your spouse during these years. As long as you get through these sleepless years without killing each other? You are ahead of the game.
- If you married your spouse for love (and not for his money, to keep him from getting deported, or because you were—oops!—pregnant), you really might have married the best person for you, even if it doesn’t always seem that way. It’s really normal and okay for your spouse not to be your everything.
- Have the courage to try to change the things about your marriage that disappoint you. Have the wisdom to accept the things that will never change, no matter how hard you might try.
- You might not be able to get an uncommunicative spouse to talk about his or her feelings, but you can usually get a spouse to listen when you want to talk about yours.
- You’ll be amazed at what you can change about your marriage if you focus on one small change at a time. Just as a marathon is run one mile at a time and a book is written one page at a time, a marriage is saved one discussion at a time.
- Create some sort of system that allows you to see the positive changes in both your marriage and your spouse. Otherwise, you might not be able to tell that your marriage is actually improving.
- Think of a memory from early in your relationship, from a happy time. This memory should make you smile and think, “We were so cute and lovely dovey back then, weren’t we?” Revisit this memory often, especially when you are tempted to believe that you married the wrong person. My memory is, “The Shower Injury Incident.” Whenever I think about it, I get all warm and fuzzy. And that’s all I’m saying about that.
- Try to imagine a future with your spouse, one that is happy. Think about what that future looks like. Then, one day at a time, make small changes that will eventually get you to that ideal place.
I would love to hear from you. Were these tips helpful? Not helpful? Do you have tips of your own that you’d like to share? Leave a comment.
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Tags: happy marriage tips
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
The most I know about marriage is that I will most likely never enter into it. It would be torture for the other half. I live too much in my own head and analize (NOT a spelling error) EVERYTHING! At least I know THAT much…
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
These are great tips.
My tip: when my hubby is moody or just bothered or I’ve just pissed him off – I flash him my boobs. Works every time to better his mood. LOL!!!
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Kathy–just love that. I think I might just have to try it. Except I might moon mine, since it’s sort of funny in a symbolic sort of way. And he likes my back side.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Alisa,
Mooning would probably work just as well. It’s just more difficult for me to pull my pants down, than to lift my shirt. LOL!!! And flashing boobs isn’t so easy when wearing a bra. LOL!!!
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
There you go again. Women are about housework and men are about sex. Yeah they could be reversed but… Sigh… oh well.
Many of these points are covered if #1 is handled adequately, but that one’s a very tall order. “Find yourself. Become a complete person.” Wow! That’s the real trick isn’t it? Try explaining this to someone who doesn’t already “get it.” It’s like, “I’ll tell you how to make a million dollars. First, get a million dollars. Now…”
The most difficult thing can be saving a marriage when one person doesn’t even know where to begin finding herself/himself. I’ve had that difficult experience. How does one “wait around” for the other one to catch up? I never got a chance to solve that problem.
I’ve learned that one of the most important things about being married is accepting that it’s always a choice. Every day, each person has to choose. When it’s in real trouble, I think it’s important that both people understand that not making it through is a possible outcome. Once both people get comfortable with that notion, they can avoid operating from a position of fear, which can cloud everything. But again, both people with #1 in hand will know this.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
>Kathy–just love that. I think I might just have to try it. Except I might moon mine, since it’s sort of funny in a symbolic sort of way. And he likes my back side.
Alisa, I so often feel like I’m crashing the party here. :~) Men don’t the luxury of flashing anything to lighten the mood. Man I just hate that!
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
typo… have the luxury… @#$%^&%$$$%
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Chris,
Man can drop their pants. My hubby sticks his tongue out at me. He did it the other night, but I didn’t get the meaning. I was a bit upset at the moment and thought he was being mean. No, he wasn’t, just trying to lighten the mood. He got an “A” for effort. Because he rarely tries to lighten the mood.
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
OK… but I’m going to keep a link to this post just in case… :~)
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Kathy and Chris: I think the mooning/flashing issue probably just depends on what kind of a couple you are and your overall sense of humor. It might be something that would lighten the mood, it might cloud the issue. You just need to know your partner well enough to be able to tell. I know, if my husband mooned me, it would make me laugh. But it makes me laugh every time he asks our daughter to pull his finger. I have that kind of a teenage sense of humor.
Regarding the male/female thing: I almost wrote that part gender neutral, but I still hear from SOOOOO many couples who are caught up in that spiral–from women who wish sex didn’t have to be a part of a happy marriage and who are so angry about the house work issue. I wish I could say that I’ve heard from a single man (and men do read and email me) who is angry about housework, but I just haven’t. Nearly 100 percent of the men who email me tell me that they are angry/sad/frustrated that they aren’t getting any sex. So I know these roles can be reversed, but it seems like they are pretty standard, too. (Of course, you might argue that I have a skewed sample to start with). My overall point is this: I’ve noticed that my husband is a lot happier and more enjoyable to be around now that he’s getting some on a regular basis. That’s the point that I would like to share with others–that sex can alleviate grouchiness. And honestly, why not? It’s one of many ingredients for a happy marriage. It doesn’t make anyone a bad or base person to miss it when it’s not happening.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Alisa,
Of course the mooning/flashing totally depends on the couple’s humor level. My hubby and I do our best to make fun of so many things. Yes, we are serious when we need to be – but we try to find the humor in life. When either is nagging the other, we respond with “yes, dear”. If we just aren’t interested in what the other is saying, we say “ginger”. (Farside comic about a guy disciplining the dog and all the dog hears is “ginger”.) Even our dog gets into making light of a situation. Really. If she gets disciplined, “bad Tonka, don’t chew the rug”, she chases her tail to make us laugh. And she often huffs at us when we so “no”.
And if we’re laughing from a TV show, she has to be all over us enjoying the fun.
Humor is the all time best healer of so many of life’s struggles.
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I LIKE THESE TIPS ALISA!!
VERY NICE I LIKE #16. ME AND MY HUSBAND LOVE TO THINK ABOUT ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD WHEN WE WERE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND.
AND ALTOUGH I DID MARRY HIM BECAUSE I WAS PREGNANT I AM SO HAPPY I DID. AT FIRST OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS HELL. I USED TO WANT TO BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH A STEEL BAT. BUT WE BOTH CHANGED AND WE GREW UP. I MEAN WERE YOUNG. HE WAS ONLY 19 AND I WAS ONLY 17 YEARS OLD. NOW WE MATURED AND WE ALWAYS THINK ABOUT OUR FUTURE FOR THE 3 OF US. ME HIM AND OUR WONDERFUL BABY BOY.
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Your tips seem to make a lot of sense. They are very logical. I guess its hard to look at a failing marriage logically and rationally when you are in the moment, so its really good to see pointers that click!
I’d be interested to know what system you would make to show positive changes, I believe it would be really important to be able to see that. Especially on the rougher days… It would be nice to say to myself “No Self, you shouldn’t poison his dinner, remember he…. “
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I love this list. I firmly believe that in order to see anything in life in a better light, you have to look within yourself and figure out why you’re so grumpy to begin with. It’s not always easy and takes me several days sometimes, but when I can figure it out (not enough sleep, not feeling like I’m getting enough quality time with my husband, etc), I can problem solve and figure out what I need to do to get back on track.
The other one that stood out in first reading – #6. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve realized that all I’m doing is looking for all the things my husband is NOT doing… he doesn’t do dishes right away, he never folds laundry, he never sends me “love notes” anymore. As soon as I realize this, I start trying to find little things… he sends me texts fequently throughout the day, if I ask, he’ll help around the house… things like that.
To the question about finding your whole, complete self… I understand what you’re meaning here to look within before trying to fix the outward parts of your life. But, do we ever become a “complete person?” Isn’t that one of the complexities of human-kind… and one of the greatest challenges of marriage… that we are ever changing? Sure, we have traits and characteristics that are fundamentally the same throughout life, but I think people can shift thinking and perspectives when they choose. So, I tend to think like Chris… that marriage is a choice, every day, all day. Some days, it’s easy. Some days, it’s hard.
However, I will be saving this post. I love this list. And, along with trying to picture a happy future with your spouse, one other thing I’ve done… trying to picture a future without my spouse in it. Frankly, at this point, I can’t picture one without him, which makes me think something must be right here.
Oh, and the flashing thing… that just cracks me up. For some reason, men flashing just doesn’t seem as, um, appealing to me.
But it does crack me up.
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Chris and Natalie: Agreed that marriage is a choice. Everyday, you wake up and you choose to stay married. So true. Also, by complete, I mostly was talking about knowing yourself: knowing what you want, what you need, etc. Before I worked on my marriage — or even had the awareness to know that my marriage needed work–I took a meditation class. It gave me the awareness to see and understand my problems–marital and elsewhere. Without that awareness, I would not have known where to start. So I also agree: we are all works in progress and constantly changing. You can’t work on yourself forever. Eventually you have to solve the problems outside of yourself, too. So true. Thanks for the great comments.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Alisa, these are really good tips but I’d add another: Always, always, always, do what you can to earn points, avoid losing points, and rack as many points (what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles) as you can. Yeah, I know we’re not supposed to keep score. But since the day Adam met Eve, couples have ignored that advice. Here’s how it works: Your sweetheart brings you coffee in bed, plus 5. It follows a night of wild sex, 45 point bonus. You have a crazy day of meetings and your sweetheart has lunch delivered to your office, 20 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10 point bonus. Your honey borrows your car and brings it back empty, minus 10. Your sweetheart leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side, 15 point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50 point penalty. Coffee in bed, good. Wet towel on bed, not good. Easy. The higher your score, the happier your relationship. {And, by the way, I’ll be sending you the copy of my book I promised in about 10 days. Just waiting for the shipment to arrive.)
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Mo: so I think the system can be anything that allows you to remember the good things. Maybe if you are working on getting him to do bathtime, you put a check mark on your calendar every time he does it, so you can look those over and see that, lo and behold, he’s following through. Or if you are trying to get him to not talk down to you, you put an X every time you have an issue with this, so you can, over time, see if you have fewer and fewer Xs on the calendar. I kept these scores in my head, which I don’t necessarily recommend. And I did a 0 to 10 rating every once in a while. I started at 0 (wanted him to drop dead). When I broke 5, I realized just how much progress we were making, so that can be helpful, too.
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I’m blogging our Project, and I’m seeing that I can use it as just that. I just reread it tonight, and I’m seeing that remembering the good in this last week gives me hope to look for in next week and our forever… Thanks!
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:14 pm
I think there’s a lot of wisdom in this list. I especially liked #3 — saving a marriage is hard and uncomfortable work, and that’s why so few people are willing to do it. It seems that we North Americans tend to believe that marriage should be magical from beginning to end, or else it’s not worth it.
What I appreciate most about your blog in general is your emphasis on the fact that marriage often sucks, but that’s OK. It’s normal and healthy for relationships to occasionally suck. I appreciate your realism, especially as it is delightfully bound up with humour and hope. Loving the site.
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:24 am
Here are my notes on your tips
1-Good. Your looking and feeling good reminds spouse why they were attracted to you.
2-Each one should wake up thinking about what they can do to make life better for the other. (Dr. Phil)
3-Changing your reaction to someone can usually change their actions.
4-People are not mind readers!
5-It isn’t your spouse’s job to MAKE you happy, its your’s. People are attracted to contented and happy beings.
6-Happiness is a choice-don’t over analyze.
7-Either that or lower your expectations. Just try to respect spouse’s feelings on the matter. Don’t tell her that the dishes will wait for her.
8-Mutually agreeable sex only-sorry!
10-Yeah, Guys, realize that the baby is helpless and needs BOTH parents. Pitch in.
11-Yep! And if you make them your everything, you will be without a social life by retirement. I speak from experience.
12-That’s a toughy. Sometimes you have to be satisfied with changing something you do. See #3.
13-What if they are just tired of you talking-period?
14-I attempt to discuss-his only problem-me, talking!
15-We’ve been stagnant for years. He makes minor changes then snaps back. Marriage not going forward.
16-Yeah, ok. That works for “getting in the mood”. Nothing else.
17-Um- can’t move mountains by myself. Doesn’t a marriage mean TWO?
September 23rd, 2009 at 8:45 am
I’d add diversify. We often get sucked into our own bubble and lose ourselves and the cool things that we fell in love with about each other because our identities become ‘one’ in the day to day of live, marriage and parenthood. BUT, when one of us travels or goes out with friends or even goes off to pursue a hobby like yoga or painting, it does the relationship a world of good. I get to be ME again, and that shines through when I come home…it makes me happy, confident, passionate – and all of that just leaks all over our relationship!!!
Great list, Alisa…per usual. xox
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
First of all, I love your blog! I’ve only found it recently, but your blog (and insight) may well be the thing that helps me save my marriage. The despair I felt is slowly dissipating as I read your blog and think, “Wow! Maybe I can save something that sometimes seems irreparable.”
As for your tips, I think they are right on. I feel like you are speaking directly to the thoughts in my head! You give me hope that I can stop thinking of my husband as an evil man that was just never right for me. I know I will have to let go of that anger at resentment at always being the one who is doing the work. This post has reminded me that though I will be doing the heavy lifting in initiating change, I will also be reaping the benefits (duh). You have hit the mark with this one.
Thank you for being brave enough to write this blog! It is real, it is insightful, it is inspiring, and it’s funny. Keep ‘em coming.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I’ll keep these in mind for when I finally take the “plunge”!! Lol
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
All of these tips pretty much works, I’m already doing most of it.
September 23rd, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I love these tips and I firmly believe in a lot of them. I would conjure up crazy ideas – fights in my head, that would probably never happen, but I was that unhappy and upset with my husband that I wanted a reason to be mad at him, even if the reason wasn’t ‘real’. Then I decided to be the bigger person and, while it’s hard, it was the only way I was going to start being happy. AND it helps A LOT and I see my hubby following suit. Thanks!
July 29th, 2010 at 12:09 am
Naomi – I couldn’t agree more!
Alisa – Your blog has given me real hope for the future of my marriage & I am So Very grateful!
These tips, as usual, are wonderful!
With the excetion of the fact that, no matter how much sex can help your relationship, if there’s no attraction, it’s out of the question. I’m still very much attracted to my husband, but we rarely have sex anymore (once every few months!), because he is no longer attracted to me. He tells me that he can see that I am still a very beautiful woman, but I just don’t turn him on, anymore. I’m sure it is a matter of him being bored, but am not sure how to fix that. We’ve had a very wild sex life for most of our relationship & it’s been amazing, but it makes it very difficult to spice things up, now that things have gotten stale! Hard to come up with new ideas, when we’ve already tried so many things, for the first time, together! (Sorry if that’s TMI – just wanted to give a perspective as a woman who isn’t getting any! Also, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!)
July 29th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
Angel–I highly recommend meeting with a sex therapist. These people are highly trained and very comforting. Worth their weight in gold. Sometimes it takes laying it all out there with a stranger to get to the bottom of things.