You Are Not Suffering Alone
Recently, Penelope Trunk, one of my favorite bloggers, wrote a long and touching piece describing why she reveals so much about herself—her dating life, her sex life, her business problems—on her blog. People often ask me the same question they ask her. It’s this: How can you be so comfortable talking about such private things?
I am because, as I’ve learned from personal experience, it’s the not talking about things that makes life a lot harder. Whenever I’ve tried to pretend that my life was perfect—that I loved my job (when I hated it), that I loved my husband (when I really wanted him to drop dead) or that I loved motherhood (when, in fact, I motherhood made me feel like I was treading water with cement blocks tied to my feet)—I’ve sunken into a deep depression. It was one that was partly caused by the chaos of my life, but also caused by the fact that I kept all of my misery inside. No one knew the real me.
Now, I’m the happiest I’ve been in years. Does that mean I have a perfect life? Hardly. This economy has been rough on my family. I bounced a couple checks and had the phone company and cable company threaten to cut off my service last month. (Okay, truth? The cable company did cut us off for about 24 hours. Those were very hard hours for my husband who is much more attached to the television than I am.) But, if I were a normal person, I wouldn’t admit that. I’d tell you, “Everything’s great!” Normal people keep money problems private. Normal people don’t talk about money, sex, and marriage.
But if I were normal? I would suffer alone.
But why suffer alone? Misery loves company. We all know that. More important, we all have hardship somewhere in our lives. We’re not alone. Life is challenging for all of us. Marriage is challenging for nearly all of us. The surveys bear this out—three quarters of married couples admit to daydreaming about divorce.
When my marriage was at its worst, I did not talk about it. I didn’t because I assumed I was the only one. I thought my friends had all married good men with good jobs and good communication skills. My friends were successful at this marriage thing. I was the only failure at it.
Or so I thought.
Then I started blogging about marriage and, one by one, various friends started admitting to me that they were going through exactly the same thing. Yet, on the outside, we were all pretending that, “We’re great!” Why? What’s the point? To make each other feel even more miserable? To seem stronger than we really are? Why?
Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve learned:
• I am not the only mother who feels overwhelmed with parenting.
• I am not the only wife who has planned her husband’s funeral or imagined 17 different ways he could possibly drop dead.
• I’m not the only person who has suffered from post-partum depression.
• I’m not the only mother who feels like a failure.
• I’m not the only person who waxes or shaves her nethers.
I am not alone, and neither are you. No matter where you are in your marriage, your career, and your life, you can bet that someone else you know—a family member, a close friend, a coworker—is going through the same thing. Stop hiding. Open up. Talk about your fears. Get through it together.
For support in facing your marriage problems, consider joining the Project Happily Ever After Facebook group. Or, leave a comment that reveals the real you.
Tweet This Post 
Facebook 
Stumble This Post
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I’ve found the same thing. I hesitate to blog about my husband or other potentially touchy subjects, but whenever I do I find those posts resonate with readers the most and generate the most comments. It doesn’t help anyone to pretend everything’s perfect 24/7.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
That’s the best part of blogging being able to strike a chord and make people realize that they aren’t alone.
Although it kind of sucks for me, because I have a lot invested in thinking I am the most unique.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Blogging has open a gateway for people to let go of what they feel inside,to share with others. That is why I think blogging is such a big thing nowadays. You can share how you feel and people responds.
And you get to relate to people that have the same problem or success with you.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Tracy: you are definitely unique. But in a completely good and endearing way. There are not too many people who are willing to eat some of the foods you eat. But that’s not a short coming. At the end of the world, you will live the longest because you will be most well stocked and most willing to eat what’s in stock.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
The real me? Has family problems that are truly fucked up. To the tune of five days after I exited the ICU after nearly dying giving birth to my daughter, my sister started screaming at me at a family gathering, my father appeared ready to join in, and now relations with the lot of them are, well, strained. My husband and I struggle to find an even keel and it’s harder now that I am “not well” than it has ever been. I love my children and at the same time I find myself hating them when (like right this second) they refuse to sleep and keep coming into my room disturbing me after they should have been asleep almost two hours ago.
Yeah, so that’s really not so good or maybe it is good because it’s real, but I can’t bring myself to blog about it because, well, I can’t.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Beth–I can’t tell you how high my anger levels goes when my daughter doesn’t stay in her room after bedtime. In our house, it’s known as “mean mommy.” Not proud of it, but it is what it is. I even talk about that part of myself as if it’s a personality, like, “We don’t want to see mean mommy tonight, do we?”
BTW: I don’t think you need to blog about these things (necessarily). More that it’s important to have friends/loved ones/someone who knows and accepts the real you. And that we all have more in common with our shortcomings and challenges than we often realize. So sorry to hear how supportive your family was after the ICU.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I go back and read Alisa’s post, “I Might Die Today” when I start feeling overwhelmed and depressed about raising kids, marital problems, coping with life as a stay at home mother (when I’d rather be away from all of these short, cranky, perpetually sticky people that are populating my house right now.) Looking past all the surface woes and appreciating what’s right in front of you is hard and takes work but is a good way to snap out of what is most of the time a self-induced funk (for me anyway.)
I wonder if one of the beauties of blogging is that it is personal without getting too personal. Writing to a computer screen can be more comforting than having to look someone in the face and talk about your problems. And it can be more therapeutic – there’s none of that annoying give and take with another person when all you really want to do is vent and then can pick and choose when you’re ready to commiserate with other people.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:43 am
While it may be initially comforting to find you are not alone, be very very careful of creating a negative cycle of conversation on these topics. Negativity feeds upon itself and magnifies problems rather than resolving them. Express your problem then seek a solution. Lift yourself and others around you up. It is a much healthier way to live.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:14 am
AMEN! I have a son who was a demon child. He has since grown up to be a wonderful man, but for many years, it was a nightmare no mother could have ever imagined…or so I thought. I felt like the worst mother ever, and was convince no one else was going through what I went through. So I just started venting in a now defunct blog, anonymously, about what I was going through and how it made me feel. This was years before anyone had heard of SEO or making money on blogs. My little anonymous blog was getting 300-500 hits a day from parents who had gone through the same thing. That blog saved my sanity, my self-esteem, and probably my life, because I was suicidally depressed. I realized I was NOT a bad mother, and had in fact done everything within my power to save my son. The power of sharing is that you do find out you aren’t alone, and that can save your life. Thanks for this post. It means a lot to a great number of people.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
My kids are grown and I agree with Candace. Express your problem in a constructive way, and either seek a solution or learn acceptance. I find that if I stay in a negative state of mind it overflows into other areas of my life as well. Pretending? No, I don’t agree with that, but sinking into a pit of negativity isn’t good either. It’s all about balance and that’s why we need at least one supportive person in our lives and blogs like this one to uplift us.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I absolutely agree. I wish we — as moms, as women, as wives — would admit to life as it is, instead of how we wish it would be. We feel so much stress b/c we assume that everyone around us has it all together, when in reality, everyone we see has his or her own issues and problems.
Life is beautiful, but it’s NOT all good — and that’s OK.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
I’ve spent many hours wondering why women put on the face of “all is good” or “I’m fine”, when just by looking at them you know things aren’t “all good” and they sure aren’t “fine”. I’ve been searching for girlfriends that can be REAL. There are days that just absolutely suck. And I don’t like saying “I’m fine” when I’m NOT. I want girlfriends that will lay it on the line and admit they are having a hard time of it – kids, job, relationship, life. Whatever it is, spill the beans. One of us has probably been there and can help you through it. Or at least give you a shoulder to cry on. Or find something funny about the situation. Anything is better than the pat “I’m fine”.
We need to all get REAL. And then we need to say, “I did X and it made my life easier/better/less stressful” and share that with your friends.
Is it a generational thing? I have girlfriends in their 60s (I’m going into my late 40s), those gals are real and they are there to help each other no matter what the situation is – death, birth, basements flooding, etc. I love to be around these women (the live in another state so I don’t see them often) to watch and learn how great real girlfriends can be for each other. And I’ve gotten to help out during their times of need. It’s the best feeling to help a friend that needs that specific help you can offer at that time.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I think blogging is a very acceptable way to release some of our built up emotions I am a bit reluctant to blog as I feel alone alot as my marriage worsens i think it clamps me up even more i must say thats prob my husbands morals or lack of coming through me. I do just wish there was some very available help out there when we are in crisis someone that you can turn to.Alisa i love your websites blogs and outlook on life i too hope to be this free someday,as for now I continue to fight in quicksand.
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:19 pm
For me, blogging is in some sense a release. I get to vent my emotions and feelings without hurting anyone. It’s like having my voice heard in the midst of all the chaos. Blogging also helps me to see the other side of common issues. You get to see how the topc affects others and what they did to remedy the situation. It’s almost theraputic and something I look forward to on a daily basis.