How to Recession-Proof Your Marriage: Part 3
Look familiar?
In part 1 of this series, I talked about accepting the hard times that you cannot change. In part 2, we went over how to solve the problem of spending more than you earn. Now, let’s take a look at what to do when your roles change—when one of you loses a job and the other is forced to take up the financial slack.
I’ve been there. In 2001, my husband was outsourced from his dream job. I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the start of our marital problems, problems that magnified over the years and culminated with me threatening a divorce in 2007. The advice I offer here is what I learned from doing everything the wrong way.
Be supportive, but not too supportive. Getting laid off sucks. Even if it wasn’t personal (the company decided a call center in India was a lot cheaper than one here in the US), losing your job still bruises your ego and makes you feel like a failure. Because of this, your spouse deserves to have a mourning period during which she or he wallows in self-pity, doesn’t shower, and watches really mindless crap on TV for hours at a time. That said, don’t let it go on for too long. I did this and my husband’s initial mourning period evolved into years of irresponsibility that involved me earning all the money and performing most of the household chores, too. Which brings me to my next tip.
Stand up for yourself. The layoff is hard on you, too. That’s valid, and it’s perfectly okay to say so. There’s no need to pretend that you just love seeing your spouse sitting on the couch day in and day out when the rest of the house is a colossal mess. Talk about how stressed you feel. Talk about how hurt you feel. Be open about these feelings. When I was finally able to tell my husband, “I feel taken advantage of,” his entire demeanor changed. It had never occurred to him that riding his bike all day long caused me to become more run down as I shouldered more of everything else.
Drive your spouse to a therapist’s office and drop him off, if needed. Don’t ignore depression that lasts more than a few weeks. It’s not your job to take care of your spouse. It’s your spouse’s job to take care of him or herself. Stop enabling. Start solving the problem.
Allow your spouse to struggle. If your spouse continues to wallow in self-pity no matter what you do and this wallowing goes on for months, then allow him or her to wallow somewhere a lot less comfortable—like his or her mother’s home or on a friend’s couch. Make sure to say, “I miss you. I love you. I can’t wait until you are the you I once knew. Until then, this is where you will be living. Once you snap out of this, you are welcome back.” Keep in mind: this is the best gift you can give your spouse. You are doing this out of compassion and not out of spite. Life is too short to be wasted on wallowing. Your spouse is wallowing because he or she can. Once you make the act of wallowing a lot less comfortable, your spouse will probably buck up.
Talk about how your spouse can best support you in your career. This might mean taking over all of the household chores. It might entail rubbing your back at night. It could mean that you get some extra “you” time to recharge. It means whatever you need to be a more productive worker who can earn a better paycheck. For instance, in order to be creative, I need a lot of rest, rest that the job of mother doesn’t necessarily provide. Whenever I feel myself getting stale, I ask my husband to give me some time off from the job of mom. It helps.
Stuff no one else will tell you
Roughly 25 percent of married women out earn their husbands. Women now earn 81 cents for every dollar that the typical man earns, up from just 66 cents in 1983 and 76 cents in 2001. Give us another decade and we’ll be even.
This is great! Right?! After all, isn’t this what the feminist revolution was all about? I suppose, but there are two problems with women out earning men that no one talks about because it’s incredibly un-politically correct to admit such things.
1. Being the family breadwinner is downright stressful, and women are not conditioned to deal with this type of stress. I’ve talked to many male friends about this, especially the ones who out earn their wives by a lot or whose wives stay home with the kids. I’ve asked them, “Do you worry about making ends meet? Don’t you find it stressful that your entire family relies on your income? Don’t you live in fear of something happening to your income?” 10 times out of 10? They’ve answered my questions with a no, no, and no. Me? The answers to all of those questions are yes, yes, and yes. Now, I’m the first to admit that I’m a tad neurotic, so it’s possible that I might be the only woman who feels this way. Still, I suspect that men and women are wired differently.
2. When a man earns a lot less than his wife? He seems weak, and women are not attracted to weak men. At least, this is how I feel about the situation. Other women might not necessarily agree. (Ladies: I’d love to know your thoughts. Please comment about whether a man’s income relates to how strong and attractive he seems—and take the poll at the end of those post).
So what do you do if you are a woman who is supporting her family? Is there hope for your marriage? Will you ever be attracted to your husband again? Yes, there’s hope and yes you will. This is what I do to solve these problems:
Take care of yourself. You can’t go overboard when it comes to stress relief. My personal recipe includes daily meditation + near daily aerobic exercise (in my case, it’s running) + regular sex (for the release and the connection) + lots of rest (naps as needed) + Girl’s Night Out (for the laughs and the rants) + an occasional escape (reading a novel, seeing a funny movie) + self expression (blogging). That’s what keeps me sane. Your recipe might be a lot different than mine, and that’s okay, as long as you have one.
Encourage your husband to be a man. He might not be able to support his family financially, but he’s probably strong in other ways. I ask my husband to lift and carry all of the heavy things in our house—not because I can’t lift these things myself, but because I like having him do it for me. It allows me to feel taken care of. I also try to notice and comment on all of the manly things he does from the grass cutting to the grill lighting to the tool wielding. And I encourage him to toss me around in the bedroom—because that makes me feel like a woman, and I like feeling like a woman.
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August 15th, 2009 at 12:39 am
3 years ago my now husband, decided he wanted to quit his job and i supported his decision because all i ever wanted was for him to be happy and i was super woman who would do all the worrying. He did not work for a year and then the two years after made less than half his prior earnings. I never once mentionned to him he needed to get a second job to provide more financially and never told him we had major financial problems.
Today i am sitting here, one month living in my own apartment while he lives at his parents house. we sold our home and due to debt have nothing left and he could not deal with that which is why i am sitting here today responding to this post. I know he is depressed but everybody around him lives as though everything is the same. We have not talked in two weeks because the last time we spoke he just kept blamming me for our current situation and i told him, it is not the end of the world but relationships dont end as easily as he wants it to be and unless he wants to work on us, not to contact me anymore but it is still hard.
Anyway i made more money or the only money in the last 3 years and the 7 years prior he made more. I never once felt upset or frustrated at the time but do now for him not to have seen that putting me in charged OF EVERYTHING was not fair to me.
I love getting these post, each time i receive them i think of aspects of our relationship and understand certain things i never did before…thank you!
August 15th, 2009 at 10:22 am
While I am not married, my boyfriend and I have been together for about 12 years. We have no intention to marry, but consider ourselves committed as though we were. We have lived together for about 6 years. For the first 9+ years of our relationship I earned more money, contributed more financially, loaning him money, helping to pay for essentials and more. He worked sometimes, quit or was laid off a few times and spent a large chunk of the time we were together not working – basically watching TV and surfing the web during the day. Eventually he would feel like he needed to work again and bring in income, so would start looking.
I decided to leave my job about 3 years ago and launch my own company. Until the end of last year I had savings to support my own spending, and he began covering most of the household bills. It’s bothered me consistently as I was raised to ‘take care of myself’ and have had to work very hard not to be upset about letting him help cover me, even though I did it for him at times in the past (which friends and family continually remind me when I express upset about it).
It never once bothered me and I never considered him ‘less of a man’. I loved having the opportunity to help support him and our relationship, and am coming to a place of being pleased that it is being reciprocated (and less upset with myself for not taking care of it). I think it’s because he is an amazing person, with a great deal of integrity who is very much a man. It’s interesting to read an alternative perspective, and helped me to remember that we are all so very different, and just need to figure out what works for us and how to communicate that effectively.
Thanks for the wonderful series of posts Alisa – very thought provoking!
PFC
August 18th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
I absolutely have no tolerance of a man unwilling or unable to support his own household financially. If he can’t even financially support the house he sleeps in at night, and the food he and his family eats and the bills he is generating, what is the point of having him there at all? Doesn’t an unwillingness to do what it takes to protect and provide for a family mean that he doesn’t care about the family? Seems selfish and lazy. And who would ever want that in a man? Sitting on a couch watching TV not making money? That’s what my kid does. Not a “man”.
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:17 pm
It was interesting reading your take on this topic Alisa. My wife and I have been married about 7 years, and I currently make about 45% of the household income. $95,000 a year between the two of us.
I guess it would be nice to make more money than my wife, but it’s never really been something that we’ve really talked about. I would also assume that’s because we’ve both been steadily employed since we met, with no financial problems to worry about.
But I liked your suggestions for making your man feel like a man. My wife does all the same things to me. I carry anything heavy, kill any bug, and do generally anything that she finds unpleasant or gross. Even though I never say it, I guess I kind of like it that way. We both have our roles, and she’s the caretaker of the household. No kids yet.