How to Recession-Proof Your Marriage: Part 2

Did you miss part 1 of How to Recession Proof Your Marriage? No worries. Just click through.

Yesterday, in part 1 of the Recession-Proof Your Marriage series, I wrote about accepting hardship. That’s the first step in recession-proofing your marriage. Too often we fight against it—complaining about how unfair it is that we don’t have money to spend on what we want. But complaining isn’t going to make more money flow into your bank account. It’s not going to get you a raise or get your spouse’s job back, and it’s not going to help your marriage, either.

No, to Recession-Proof Your Marriage, you need to solve the problem: you are spending more than you are earning. What will you and your spouse do about that problem?

Your first instinct might be to try to hoard your share of the money. I know this was my instinct. When expenses exceeded income? I immediately decided that my husband was just going to have to stop eating lunch out, drinking beer, and spending money in any way. But that would not have been fair, because I was spending plenty of money, too.

Instead, we sat down with our credit card bill and bank statement. We looked at all of the purchases. We talked about various items and whether or not we could do without them.

“Maybe we don’t need two phone lines anymore,” I said.

He agreed.

Savings: $50 a month.

“I never use my gym membership,” I said.

He said, “I never go to the gym, either.”

Savings: $60 a month.

“The cleaning lady sure costs a lot of money,” he said.

“She keeps me sane,” I said.

“I’ll clean the house,” he said.

“You will?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. Even though I knew my husband offering to clean the house was much like a child offering to look after the puppy she wants, I agreed, because, in the end, he was right.

Savings: $400 a month

“Maybe I don’t need to color my hair at the salon,” I said. “But I don’t want to go gray. I’m not ready for that yet, and I don’t know how to do it myself.”

“I’ll help you,” he said.

“You will?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.

Well that sounded too romantic to pass up.

Savings: $200 a quarter.

And we went on like this, every single month looking over the bills and working together to find ways to cut costs. You can do the same.

In the end, talking about money is no different than talking about any other marital issue. The issue is a problem. You work together to think up many possible solutions to that problem.

Keep in mind that your belt-tightening discussions will fall into three categories:

1.    What you earn: Can one of you get a second job? Can one of you earn extra money on the side (babysitting neighborhood kids, consulting, freelance work, and so on)? If you are out of work, are there things you can do – temporarily—to bring in some income until you find a job in your chosen career? For instance, I’ve often thought of working a few hours a week at my favorite clothing store—just to get the employee discount.

2.    What you spend: What will you no longer buy? What will you cut back on? What will you try to buy only on sale or with a coupon? What will you delay purchasing until later? What will you slowly save for over time, if you can manage it?

3.    How you get it done: It’s one thing to agree to use coupons at the grocery store, it’s another to actually do it. Who will search for coupons and keep them organized? Who will be in charge of bargain shopping? If you are eating out less, how will you ensure that you are cooking more? Make sure you are sharing these responsibilities equally and supporting each other in that quest.

Note that there will be some heartache. You might realize you just can’t keep putting money in the 529 right now. You might not be able to take a family vacation this year. You might strongly believe in buying organic, locally grown foods, but you just can’t afford to do it.

The list goes on. As these disappointments present themselves, do the following.

•    Accept the disappointment and then build a bridge and get over it. Yes, it sucks, but wallowing in self-pity will get you nowhere.

•    Remind yourself that the pain is temporary. This crummy economy won’t last forever.

•    Look for the silver lining. How can you use this hardship to your advantage? Can you take a staycation and camp with your kids in the backyard? Can family dinner at home become a warm and loving experience? Can you feel good about the love you provide for your children, so you can stop feeling as bad about the toys that you just can’t afford?

Marriage and Money Saving Tips

Create a slush fund for each family member to spend in whatever way they wish. The fund might be very small ($10 a week), but it’s also very freeing. It allows each family member to splurge on something, even if it’s a small something. For example, my husband and I each have a $50 weekly fund. He uses his to eat lunch out nearly every day. I use mine for Girl’s Night Out, purchases for our daughter (because that makes me feel good), and random things that I just feel I need to have. If we didn’t have these discretionary funds, we’d end up getting into a power struggle over this type of indulgence spending.

Be forgiving. Sticking to a smaller budget is a skill, one that requires practice. You will both slip up every once in a while and spend in ways that you agreed you would not. When this happens, talk about it, but try not to wag fingers. Support each other and try to solve the problem. What can you do in the future to prevent such a slip up from happening again?

If one of you digs in, side step the issue for the time being. It might take your partner a little longer to reach a place of acceptance than it will take you or vice versa. During that time, your partner might grasp onto certain “must haves” and refuse to release them. For instance, for a month this summer, I kept turning off the AC and opening the windows. My husband would come home, close the windows, and turn on the AC. Try to see the humor in these situations, if possible. And ask yourself, “Am I being reasonable? Is this worth getting in a fight? How much money will I save by enforcing this and is that savings worth the trouble?” The answers to those questions may very well be yes (say, your partner just charged $10,000 on your credit cards because he just had to have this new power tool), but they might not be. Pick your battles.

What are your best money saving tips? How have you worked with your partner to reduce what you spend? Leave a comment.

Tomorrow: What to do when the roles change (one of you loses a job and the other becomes the breadwinner).

Don’t forget to comment on your best recipe for a happy marriage so you can win a free copy of Secret Recipes for the Modern Wife. I’ll be taking comments on that post (click here) through the end of next week.

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