How to Boost Your Sex Drive
Change your definition of foreplay.
I’ve recently discovered some exciting and downright simple ways to rekindle sexual desire. Before I get to the advice, though, I feel the need to state one disclaimer. Nearly everything that I am about to say comes from the perspective of a married woman who once wondered whether she would ever feel attracted to her husband again.
Will this advice work for men? I have no idea, but you are welcome to read along and see what you think.
Also, I want you to know this: if the idea of having sex is about as enticing to you as scrubbing your bathroom floor, know that you are not an anomaly. One in every 5 married couples aren’t having sex. At. All. And surveys show that most women would rather give up sex for a month than give up the use of their cell phones. Consider this post about What Moms Think About During Sex.
Apparently 43 percent of American women have something called Female Sexual Desire Disorder. It makes it sound kind of terminal doesn’t it? Well here’s the good news. You can cure yourself. Your remedy probably will involve fixing three different areas of your life: your bedroom tactics, your marriage, and your lifestyle. In this post, I’m only going to deal with what you do in the bedroom. Just know that, to feel sexy, you need to feel adored. If you don’t feel adored? You need to work on your marriage.
To feel sexy, you also need to be relaxed and rested. If you don’t? You need to work on your lifestyle.
Sexy Bedroom Tactics
Sex with the same person in the same room and in the same position at the same time of day? Boring. To increase your sexual desire, you need to spice things up.
Re-explore sex ed. Most of us have learned how to have sex somewhat accidentally. As a result, we end up relying on a small number of techniques, using them over and over again. Big yawn. Pretend you are 16 again (or younger, if needed) and that you know nothing about how to please a man or a woman. Learn everything you can, and ask your partner to do the same. Explore the art of the hand job. Find out more about oral sex. See if there are new positions you might want to try. Resources that might help you in this quest include Ian Kerner’s books She Comes First and He Comes Next (see bottom of the post for ordering information) and the educational DVDs at Vivid-Ed.com.
Make it about you. For many years, I’ve tried to diligently keep things fair in the bedroom. It was all about mutual enjoyment and reciprocation. And while this makes sense if both people have the same sex drive and can get in the mood in the same about of time, it just doesn’t make sense of one person is capable of rising to attention and getting to orgasm within three minutes and the other person needs a full 15 minutes just to feel remotely warmed up. Talk to your partner about how he can help you get in the mood. It may very well be that the first 10 to 20 minutes of your sexual encounters are about him pleasuring you, and you sitting back and enjoying it.
Immerse yourself in the fine art of seducing your partner. It doesn’t matter if getting his attention is as easy as walking around naked. The seduction is also for you. By the time you are done with whatever little routine you’ve dreamed up, you will be full of desire. Take a pole dancing class. Explore strip aerobics. Practice doing strip teases in front of a mirror until you think you have it down. Dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl and ask him to help you with your homework. Be creative. Have fun.
Learn how to have brain sex. My husband and I met with sex therapist Ian Kerner recently (I mentioned his books earlier) and he told me something that revolutionized how I get myself in the mood. It was this: Your brain is your biggest sex organ. Use it. Thinking about sex is the best form of foreplay around. Close your eyes and imagine an encounter. Talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies. Or, if you are a writer like me, you can write them down and read them to your partner.
Change your definition of foreplay. Most of us think of foreplay as kissing and groping. After many years of marriage? That just doesn’t do it anymore. Think about the following:
- Cleaning the house together or cooking a meal together—either while naked or while wearing lingerie
- Taking a bath together
- Massaging each other
- Phone sex
- Sharing sexual fantasies
- Doing The Sexy Workout together
Lube yourself up. As women age, lubrication dries up and, when that happens, sex hurts. Lubrication is also one of the sensations that makes us feel sexy. Without it, it’s harder to get in the mood. So I highly recommended lubing yourself up before sex, around the same time you put on your lingerie. And forget commercial lubricants. Use coconut oil. It’s tasteless. It smells nice. It’s the closest you’ll ever get to a natural sensation of wetness, and it prevents yeast infections. Use an organic, unrefined variety. Yes, it’s solid at room temperature. (In other words: looks like Crisco). If you can’t find it at your grocery store with the other cooking oils, look for it at a health food store. Put it on and inside yourself before sex. If needed, put some on him before penetration.
Lastly, just do it. The more often you do it? The more often you’ll want to do it.
How do you get yourself in the mood? Share your tips with others.
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Tags: Sex advice
August 27th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I take pole dancing classes!! (I can actually do that thing the girl in the picture is doing) It’s been like a breath of fresh air into my sex life. I’ve doing it for 2 years and am a “black garter” in pole dance (also known as I can do lots of fun tricks) that bring out the sexual tiger in me in class but also at home with my husband.
It’s not dirty but fun and sensual!
August 27th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Excellent post. I’ve taken your sex advice columns to heart and have shared much with my wife (and marriage advice, life advice, etc). So, I recently bought her a Doc Johnson’s Savanna G-Spot Tickler (a previous post mentioned the Janine’s one), and I can’t wait to use it with her on our next session. Pleasuring her before pleasuring me is no problem and I’m glad to do it. Guys…don’t be so damn selfish all the time.
I also totally agree with the Brain Sex part: “Thinking about sex is the best form of foreplay around. Close your eyes and imagine an encounter. Talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies.” This is so true. Talking, listening…communicating. That’s how we learn to be better lovers, better spouses, better people. You never know when your sexual fantasy might also link with your partners fantasy.
One thing I might add that I have shown really helps set a mood sometimes is the use of certain foods. For instance, whipped cream and chocolate syrup delicately dabbled along an arm, a thigh, the neck or some other sensually pleasing place does wonders to set a mood. That or have your partner turn off the lights, lay down on the bed, close their eyes, and you feed them chocolate covered strawberries and champagne, or something to that affect. Then gently kiss their neck and throat, followed by their chest and finally to their stomach; in essence you are sensually following the flow of the food with your delicate kisses. Or, try this (I did this last weekend)…buy your spouses favorite flavor ice cream (I bought a pint of Hagen Daaz Rocky Road) and gently feed it to them, each bite they take slowly remove the spoon from their mouth. Every third bite go in for a quasi french kiss and enjoy the ice cream together.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Erin and TraderDaddy: Thanks for the great tips. I especially like the ice cream idea. I think I’ll suggest that one to my husband.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
You are welcome.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Yeah, I like the ice cream tip too!!! Sounds pretty fun to me! Your brain IS your biggest sex organ, absolutely! When I was younger, back in college, I took a Human Sexuality Class and I have to say–it did wonders for me. It was in that class that I learned that your brain is your biggest sex organ and that there’s a whole chemical/biological process leading up to, during and after sex. And it makes so much sense! I think married sex can be absolutely awesome, but you do have to worker harder at keeping it fresh & new. I thinking being willing to listen, communicate and TRY new things is huge! Also, so is beings spontaneous. Yes, sometimes, you need to have sex for sake of having it–and sometimes, you do need to plan/schedule it. BUT…being spontaneous and saying “forget it” to do “to-list” of the day works wonders too! Great tips! Oh, and stripping is totally hot–and it works!
I think a lot of it mentally preparing yourself and putting yourself in the mood! Here’s to great sex for a lifetime!
Many Blissful Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
August 27th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I cannot type tonight, sorry for all the typos…I’m supposed to be a ‘writer’ too! LOL!
August 28th, 2009 at 3:36 am
I’m a new reader of your blog. I love it. It’s so much fun. I had to comment on this one because in just a few weeks my new book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy will be released. Just as great foreplay is essential to Wow! sex, great emotional foreplay is essential to a Wow! relationship. And, that’s what the book’s about. It all started when, trying to cure my husband of being chronically late, I said to him, “Sweetheart, there’s something you need to know about being in relationship. Foreplay is all day, every day, 24/7. It includes anything and everything that affects how I feel about you. So, here’s an idea for you. Try racking up some Frequent Foreplay Miles by being on time. The more you have, the more ‘in the mood’ I’ll be.” In his sexual self-interest, he became the on-time guy. Now, it’s a strategy for creating what I call Total Intimacy.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Hi Sarah–I didn’t notice the typos. I make typos all the time. Part of being creative is learning how to shut off the part of your brain that wants you to be perfect, which means you will make more mistakes as you write (wrong word choice, misspellings, etc) because you are opening yourself up to bigger thinking. Loved your comment. Keep em coming.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Alisa,
I have to say, I was skeptical about the coconut oil at first. I bought some anyway. After using it before I get dressed and before turning in at night, I must admit to feeling more natural. We haven’t gotten to the, ahem, sex yet.
After being married for 26 years and the verbal communication drying up too, its very difficult to get my motor running when the only talking he wants to hear is, “Tonight/today’s the night/day!”
Please don’t tell me to initiate conversation. Its his biggest nightmare. And our relationship didn’t start out that way!
Maybe, Alisa, you could blog about how people do as much of a mating dance as animals until they (yes, women dance it too) get “what they want”. Then its anybody’s guess as to the person they become. When the rings are on the fingers and the “I do’s” are said, watch the metamorphosis. See how solicitous they are when sex is the prize. Then after you both heave that sigh after the big “O” and enjoy a brief period of afterglow, clock how fast you become the last thing on his/her mind.
September 19th, 2009 at 8:10 am
My husband may gasp if he knows I am giving out such personal info about our personal life! I am recovering after the last reply I left, myself. Its all about helping each other, though, right? This is an update on that one.
We had the “event” last night. It was very natural. I even initiated. Applause, applause. This was all due to using the coconut oil, daily, then at the time of the “event”. My husband liked the feel of it too. There was no waiting for it to warm to body temp after applying and the comfort level it afforded was like Mother Nature, herself.
We reccomend the coconut oil highly. Alisa, where did you get the idea to try this?
I must tell you that, heretofore, the only refferals were to commercial products made for this purpose. Gyns and counselors, alike, were more into behavior modification for people my age who did not want to use herbs or hormones. Bio-identicals are more available now for those of us who are post-menopausal. I’m not even sure about those. I will be asking at my next appointment, though, just to be sure it isn’t something I want. But if just being properly lubricated on a day to day basis is enough for me to want to return to sexual activity, then, hey, that’s a huge start!
Thank you, Alisa. My hausband thanks you as well!
September 19th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Linda–I’m so glad you shared this, and I’m so glad it worked for you. I learned about it from my gynecologist. She discovered it and uses it herself, and now she recommends it to all of her patients.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:53 am
My wife has incorporated spanking into our foreplay (or fiveplay as we like to call it) except she isn’t the one bent over a knee it’s me. If I don’t satisfy her fast enough or good enough it’s back over her knee I go. If I think I am all spent and can’t perform again she shows me how wrong I am and another spanking never fails to get me excited. Many times she will put me over her knee and spank me until she feels me grow as her warm breasts on my back help to speed the process. Then she has me pay homage to her bottom before putting me on my back on our bed and riding me to our mutual satisfaction. Ever since she has taken over in the bedroom and dominates me things have been much better between us sexually.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:49 am
I find that there are a lot of ways to boost my sex drive.
One of the most frustrating things to me is when I am too full after I eat and I don’t feel sexy enough for sex right then. Sometimes if I wait til later on until I am not so full my sex drive is gone….
Recently when this happens, I reach for a small portion of dark chocolate. It seems to work wonders and has me fired up in no time.
Give it a try and let me know how it works!