- Please don’t touch my boobies. Mommy doesn’t like that.
- Why don’t I want you to touch my boobies? Because I just don’t. They are mine and they are special to me.
- Really, honey, there are no dinosaurs at the center of the Earth.
- No, I don’t need to Google it to know that there are no dinosaurs at the center of the Earth. I know. You just need to trust me on this.
- All animals poop. Um, yeah, I think that’s true.
- Do all animals have tails? Let’s see. Fish do. Dogs do. Birds do. Lizards do. Monkeys do. Wait. Spiders don’t have tails. Neither do ants. I guess insects don’t have tails, but everyone else does. Oh, except for people. But I think we used to have tails, but they fell off a long time ago.
- You don’t want a little brother. If you had a little brother, you’d have to share Mommy.
- You want to share Mommy? No, you don’t. That would be terrible. Trust me. You’d never get to sit on my lap again.
- Besides Mommy is too old to make you a little brother.
- Yes, honey, you can’t make babies after a certain age.
- When? Age 39.
- Yes, Mommy is 39.
- I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.
- Can I jump on your bed, too?
- No, I won’t break it. I promise.
- Beer is juice for grownups.
- Mommy didn’t say anything. And if you figure out what Mommy just said, do not repeat it, especially at school.
- Ask Daddy if he can burp the alphabet. Come on, Daddy, do it! She’ll think it’s funny.
- Stop spanking my bottom!
- Do. Not. Lick. Me.
- I’m going to eat your belly button.
- If you don’t stop whining, I’m going to tickle your bottom.
- Is that poopy on your leg? Touch it and then smell your finger.
- Did you wash your hands? Let me smell them.
- Did you brush your teeth? Let me smell.
- We don’t want to see Mean Mommy tonight, now, do we?
- Why are all of our paper plates under your bed?
- How did I get glue on my hand while I was cleaning your room?
- You liked peanuts yesterday. Why don’t you like them today?
- No one saw it fall on the floor and it doesn’t look dirty, so you can eat it.
- I’ll turn on the TV and you can watch it, but I don’t want to hear one squeak out of you. Don’t ask me to change the channel. Don’t ask me for more juice. Don’t tell me that you need to go potty. Just sit here and watch TV. Mommy’s going back to bed.
- I’ll make sure Wet Daddy can’t get you. I’ll protect you!
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
#2, 16, 18 & 26….HILARIOUS! This is so funny, and so true! I’m not a parent, but I have friends who are moms and they say stuff like this all the time! LOL! I get such a kick out of it! Oh and #’s 14 & 15 are what make you a great mom! Being able to say “I’m sorry” to your child when you mess up (or just to make them feel good, whether you messed up or not) and playing with them, even if it means jumping on their bed! So awesome! She’s lucky to have you! Oh and about the only the child thing, she’ll be really glad she doesn’t have syblings when she’s older! My mom only had me and I cherrish having her all to myself! You can tell your daughter I said that! Thanks for sharing the perils of parenthood. Have a great day!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Very funny, I think I have said at least 10 of those. I will have to tell my husband other men burp; from his European culture burping is really gross. He is amazed and disgusted I can burp so loudly, I had 4 brothers, what can I say? When in Rome….
OMG. Love it.
This is hilarious! I just started saying #1 yesterday! LOL I just don’t get the fascination
These are great thank you for sharing…I have so much more to look forward to.
Love it! LOL. #26 was used a lot at my house. Mean Mommy was likely to show up anytime after 9PM (bedtime)!
SO funny! I can hear these conversations like I was a fly on the wall in your house. LOVE your writing. How great will it be for your kiddo to have this record of childhood one day! It’s like a wonderful diary.
Quick question. How do I add a photo to my comments here, like Julie Roads and Sherri have done, above? I have no idea… Thanks!
Kathy–If you go to this site and follow the directions, it should work: http://en.gravatar.com/
Of course, I have a gravatar and it didn’t just show up on my own site, so maybe I’m not the best person to offer this tip….
Better becareful or #33 will be: Please don’t burp the alphabet. It doesn’t matter that Dad showed you.
They are all great and SO true!
Thank you! I needed a good laugh. I’m sure I’ve said some variation of all them at one time or another!
LOL, love it – especially no. 20! What IS it with children and licking?! I have taken to saying “Mummy is not an ice cream” several times a day. I hear myself saying it and wonder what I have become. Keep the parenthood posts coming, Alisa – they’re my favourite to read to far!
I’m breastfeeding my 3m old, so my son who just turned four has taken to telling me “I love your boobs” and rubbing them, to which I have responded a bunch of different ways, but this is something I never thought I would have to say:
“No Honey, just because Mommy makes milk does not mean you can call me a cow”
I thought the old lady at Target would wet herself from laughing so hard.