How to Boost Your Sex Drive
Thursday, August 27th, 2009
Change your definition of foreplay.
I’ve recently discovered some exciting and downright simple ways to rekindle sexual desire. Before I get to the advice, though, I feel the need to state one disclaimer. Nearly everything that I am about to say comes from the perspective of a married woman who once wondered whether she would ever feel attracted to her husband again.
Will this advice work for men? I have no idea, but you are welcome to read along and see what you think.
Also, I want you to know this: if the idea of having sex is about as enticing to you as scrubbing your bathroom floor, know that you are not an anomaly. One in every 5 married couples aren’t having sex. At. All. And surveys show that most women would rather give up sex for a month than give up the use of their cell phones. Consider this post about What Moms Think About During Sex.
Apparently 43 percent of American women have something called Female Sexual Desire Disorder. It makes it sound kind of terminal doesn’t it? Well here’s the good news. You can cure yourself. Your remedy probably will involve fixing three different areas of your life: your bedroom tactics, your marriage, and your lifestyle. In this post, I’m only going to deal with what you do in the bedroom. Just know that, to feel sexy, you need to feel adored. If you don’t feel adored? You need to work on your marriage.
To feel sexy, you also need to be relaxed and rested. If you don’t? You need to work on your lifestyle.
Sexy Bedroom Tactics
Sex with the same person in the same room and in the same position at the same time of day? Boring. To increase your sexual desire, you need to spice things up.
Re-explore sex ed. Most of us have learned how to have sex somewhat accidentally. As a result, we end up relying on a small number of techniques, using them over and over again. Big yawn. Pretend you are 16 again (or younger, if needed) and that you know nothing about how to please a man or a woman. Learn everything you can, and ask your partner to do the same. Explore the art of the hand job. Find out more about oral sex. See if there are new positions you might want to try. Resources that might help you in this quest include Ian Kerner’s books She Comes First and He Comes Next (see bottom of the post for ordering information) and the educational DVDs at Vivid-Ed.com.
Make it about you. For many years, I’ve tried to diligently keep things fair in the bedroom. It was all about mutual enjoyment and reciprocation. And while this makes sense if both people have the same sex drive and can get in the mood in the same about of time, it just doesn’t make sense of one person is capable of rising to attention and getting to orgasm within three minutes and the other person needs a full 15 minutes just to feel remotely warmed up. Talk to your partner about how he can help you get in the mood. It may very well be that the first 10 to 20 minutes of your sexual encounters are about him pleasuring you, and you sitting back and enjoying it.
Immerse yourself in the fine art of seducing your partner. It doesn’t matter if getting his attention is as easy as walking around naked. The seduction is also for you. By the time you are done with whatever little routine you’ve dreamed up, you will be full of desire. Take a pole dancing class. Explore strip aerobics. Practice doing strip teases in front of a mirror until you think you have it down. Dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl and ask him to help you with your homework. Be creative. Have fun.
Learn how to have brain sex. My husband and I met with sex therapist Ian Kerner recently (I mentioned his books earlier) and he told me something that revolutionized how I get myself in the mood. It was this: Your brain is your biggest sex organ. Use it. Thinking about sex is the best form of foreplay around. Close your eyes and imagine an encounter. Talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies. Or, if you are a writer like me, you can write them down and read them to your partner.
Change your definition of foreplay. Most of us think of foreplay as kissing and groping. After many years of marriage? That just doesn’t do it anymore. Think about the following:
- Cleaning the house together or cooking a meal together—either while naked or while wearing lingerie
- Taking a bath together
- Massaging each other
- Phone sex
- Sharing sexual fantasies
- Doing The Sexy Workout together
Lube yourself up. As women age, lubrication dries up and, when that happens, sex hurts. Lubrication is also one of the sensations that makes us feel sexy. Without it, it’s harder to get in the mood. So I highly recommended lubing yourself up before sex, around the same time you put on your lingerie. And forget commercial lubricants. Use coconut oil. It’s tasteless. It smells nice. It’s the closest you’ll ever get to a natural sensation of wetness, and it prevents yeast infections. Use an organic, unrefined variety. Yes, it’s solid at room temperature. (In other words: looks like Crisco). If you can’t find it at your grocery store with the other cooking oils, look for it at a health food store. Put it on and inside yourself before sex. If needed, put some on him before penetration.
Lastly, just do it. The more often you do it? The more often you’ll want to do it.
How do you get yourself in the mood? Share your tips with others.
