Many people ask me how I found the motivation to work on my marriage when so much was going wrong. Most of the people who ask this are entrenched in the Planning The Funeral stage of marital discontent—what I sometimes refer to as mile 20 of the marriage marathon. Their sex life is either non-existent or unfulfilling. They don’t have conversations. When they go out to dinner together, there’s silence. When they do talk, they fight. And when they fight, the rarely if ever reach a resolution.
As a result, they console themselves by imagining what their lives would be like if their partners would conveniently drop dead.
Yeah, I’ve been there.
So how did I find the courage to work on my marriage when everything seemed so hopeless?
The courage came from a deep place. It was an act of faith. It will be an act of faith for you, too. In the beginning, you won’t know for sure whether or not your marriage project will work. So you must decide to work on your marriage for reasons that go beyond the finish line. You do it for your self, because:
1. You need to know—without a doubt—that your marriage is or is not worth saving. The only way to know for sure? Try to save your marriage and see if you make any improvement. At the beginning of your marriage project, rate your marriage on a scale of 1 (I wish he would just drop dead) to 10 (I am so glad I married him!) Four months later, rate it again. If your rating went up? Your marriage has potential. If it stayed the same or went down? It’s probably not worth saving. Sure, you’d rather have the ease of posing the Is My Marriage Worth Saving? to a Magic 8 Ball, but I’m pretty sure my method—while more time-consuming—is much more reliable. It allows you to walk away from your marriage (if it comes to that) without a shred of guilt, because you tried everything and everything did not work.
2. You need to work on you. Your bad marriage is not entirely your spouse’s fault. You are a part of the problem. A bad marriage is caused by the chemistry between two people. One person doesn’t ask for what she wants, which allows the other person to get away with whatever he wants. One person is controlling, which allows the other person to never stick her neck out and make a decision. Usually, the thing about your partner that you most hate is the thing that will make you feel most incomplete if you split up. Working on your marriage will force you to work on yourself, so you’ll become more assertive, learn how to communicate, evolve into a better listener, and more. So even if you do eventually split up, you’ll still be better off, because you’ll be a more complete person.
But you need more than that, right? You want a guarantee. You want to know that it will work. I just can’t give you that. What I can tell you is this: Not a day goes by that I don’t feel downright grateful that my husband is still in my life. Slightly more than two years ago? Not a day went by that I didn’t think about how much better off I would be if my husband were no longer in my life.
Today, when I’m irritated with my husband, I tell him. I’ve learned how to talk about such issues in a way that does not make him defensive, and he’s learned how to listen and respond. Whenever something bothers me about my marriage, I’ve learned to see if as a problem, one that my husband and I can solve together.
I’ve also learned to recognize grumpiness for what it is: grumpiness. I’m not as quick to go to the He Doesn’t Love Me Place when my husband is having a hunger emergency and accidentally bites my head off because I can’t seem to find the restaurant we’re looking for. No, I’m much more likely to think, “That big brat is having a hunger emergency. I better find the restaurant before he completely implodes.” And once he’s shoveled some food into himself, I say, “Are you still mad at me?” He says, “God no. I’m so sorry” and that’s that.
My husband makes my latte for me every morning, not because I can’t make one for myself, but because he knows I like it when he makes my latte. It makes me feel loved. And I make sure to Atta Boy him whenever he does something around the house for the same reason.
Our sex life? My husband recently told me that he’d like to do it every other day. As he said it, though, he acknowledged that he didn’t think it was really possible. And instead of feeling put upon, I thought, “I would really love to make that wish come true, because I really do love this guy.” And this week? I have. He’s floored. I’m not the wife he knows, but he certainly likes the new me.
Your marriage might get to this place some day, too. It won’t happen overnight. It won’t happen linearly, either. You’ll continually take two steps forward and one step back. But if you continue to grow and change together (your partner has to be willing to work at it, too), you can get to this place, too.
Copyright 2009 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
communication is key. regardless of where you are or what relationship you are in. If you can’t tell someone what you are thinking in a mature way, then you can’t expect them to read your mind. Thanks for posting this article – you always seem to know where I am in my marriage for the week and what advice I need without me asking.
My God – It’s like you have been a fly on the wall of my marriage and inside of my brain. Thank you so much for writing with such honesty. After 3 years of marriage my husband and I have finally gotten to a place where we have admitted that although we love each other, neither one of us is happy. I have been seeing a counselor for the past year, working on myself and now my husband is seeing one as well – I hope that we make it because I really feel like we have love for each other. But what bothers me is that we seem to lack intimacy, connection and so the cracks have grown very wide. And I find myself wondering how I would navigate my life if I were single again. It is good to know that there are people out there that have made it work and turned the bus around. I look forward to learning more. Thanks again.
Bless you for being so honest and giving us some hope. I am reading this blog because MY HUSBAND came across this and emailed it to me. This is a good start! I do feel that this marriage is worth saving and it can be the best relationship for both of us. I look forward to exploring your blog more and maybe even having a conversation with my husband about some of the posts! Shocking, I know!
My husband and i separated a month ago, It came out of no where. I am not sure whats going on. It is not another woman. He lost his job after 6 years on the job in April, He quickly found another job in his field(He’s a machinist) . After 3 weeks on the job he was laid off again. Only this time he did not tell me. I did not find out for 3 weeks. He said he could not bring his self to tell me that he had lost another job. A week later he moved out. We have been married 15 years. Between us we have 4 kids. I had 2 before we married he had 1 and we have a daughter together. Believe it or not we have a really wonderful family. I own a small accounting firm. I am not sure what to do. I truly love my husband and deep down I know he is really going through something. I do not want to give up on him. I am trying to be there but he is not receiving it. What should I do?
Yes, there is hope for my marriage as well and I plan to use many of the techniques you have described to help foster a better marriage between my wife and I. As I mentioned to my wife, we need to work on us as individuals and as a couple. ‘Tis true that communication is the key; listen twice as much as you talk. Why? Because you have two ears and only one mouth. I am thankful I found this blog and I look forward to more posts.