I hope all of your transactions work out better than ours do.

My relationship is far from perfect, or otherwise I probably wouldn’t have stumbled across your site! But, it is probably far from typical in many ways, and probably typical in many other ways.

Thanks for everything you’ve shared and are sharing through this site! I’m looking forward to getting your book.

One thing I’ve learned is that there is no such thing as a typical marriage. Every marriage is different. Most of the time on this site, I write from my personal experience, because that’s the experience I know. I try not to use “he” and “she” whenever possible, but sometimes it’s cumbersome to remain gender neutral, so it slips in. I would expect that some people probably completely identify with the post and some completely don’t and others identify with some parts of it and not others. That’s all normal. I’m not saying you are in the minority, but even if you were that doesn’t make it bad. You are in charge of your own happiness–no one else. No one can judge your life except for you. It sounds as if you are in a great marriage. I applaud you for that. Thanks for stopping in!

Alisa

Alisa, I love your site so far, and love your advice, but …

Is what you described above really what it’s like for most people? I feel like I live in a different world. And it’s a weird feeling, to resonate so deeply with most of what I’ve read on your site, but … I guess I just feel alienated thinking that this may be the way most people are … the man always wanting sex, and watching sports and cable, not doing housework unless bribed … the woman not liking sex so much, but using it as a bribe, for the man to do some housework …

I guess everybody’s different, but I just have a hard time believing that most people are really “like that”.

I’m a man. I like having a clean house. A clean house makes me happy. Cable does not. I hope we never get cable. I’ve often wanted to get rid of the TV.

I try to do as much housework / cleaning as I can; but I admit I don’t have a lot of self-discipline and so I don’t usually do as much cleaning as I would like to, as I get busy or distracted with other things.

My partner likes sex, in fact she wants it more often than I do. But generally we both enjoy it, and the frequency with which it happens depends more on how busy each of us are away from the house and how tired we are than on anything else. It’s more about opportunity and timing than anything.

Using it as a bribe? That sounds so weird.

Am I an alien?

I guess I have to admit I am in the minority on a lot of things.

Sigh. I guess I normally tend to focus on similarities between people, instead of differences. And I think that’s a good thing. So I guess maybe I just need to accept all of these strange differences, how strange people are (to me) and let it go.

I also know she takes advantage of me some when she knows I have been without a few days, she ups the stakes somewhat, requiring more. If I waited for her to be horny, that would only be about once or twice a month, if I was lucky. This way, I can get it most days I want and I don’t have to guess.

Hit up the feminist blogs if you feel that’s the way life really is, or ought to be. The fact of the matter for most of us is that woman and men are different, and Alisa’s a realist who gives good advice on the basics of a good relationship.

Take the sex out of this discussion and use any other issue that would bring happiness to your or your partner. I’m sure you could easily think of something that your partner sees as more important to you, but you do that activity with them because you know it makes them happy. This concept of sex for housework is just a simple example of giving your partner attention in one area to make them happy, and them reciprocating in another area to make you happy. Behaviors like that, whether they be about sex or watching the superbowl are just examples of how people can have better relationships through mutual enjoyment of each other.

The love between two people should be so natural. This coming from a man who is married for 24 years now. I find that trading sex for anything is a lose-lose situation. “Every kiss begins with K ” a commercial on TV tells us we buy a diamond or jewelry for your wife will get you sex. #3000 for a 1/2 hour or 2 hours is so stupid. I like, and my wife can tell when the time is right. All day romancing is more fun and appealing than anything. Don’t subscribe to the sex for chores idea. If you really love each other , you will help out and do a great job.