Should you trade sex for housework?
So last night I was talking with my girlfriends. The topic was sex. I’m not going to repeat anything my girlfriends said because that’s all top secret and they have a right to their privacy. I just want to say that at some point during the conversation, I blurted out, “Sex is important. It gets the garbage taken out.”
And it’s true. I’ve said this before and various people have taken me apart, saying, “My husband should just do the housework anyway. I shouldn’t have to have sex with him to make it happen.” Even yesterday, a new reader commented, “Why can’t he just be an adult and pitch in like I have to, no bribes required?”
He can’t because a clean house doesn’t make him happy. It makes you happy. It’s that simple.
We all like to think that our husbands are dependent on us, that their entire worlds would collapse were we to leave. The truth of the matter is this. Yes, if we were not around, the plants might all die. The dishes might pile up in the sink. The sheets might go unwashed for a really long time and it would be really gross. Fuzz would probably start growing in the toilet bowl and beer bottles would collect by the La-Z-Boy.
But you know what? As long as the cable didn’t go out, he’d still be happy. The rest of it would not bother him much because clean sheets and an empty sink are not important to him. They are important to you.
Having sex with your husband in order to get him to do the housework isn’t about bribing him. It’s about keeping him happy. And him doing the housework in order to get into your pants also isn’t about bribing you. It’s about keeping you happy.
When you are happy, you are more likely to want to have sex. When he’s happy, he’s more likely to do things around the house that he doesn’t think really need to be done.
See?
So instead of thinking of sex as a bribe, think of it as a gift. You want your man to be happy right? You have the power to make that happen!
I’m sure he wants you to be happy, too. So teach him how to make you happy. Explain to him that there is a type of foreplay that you really crave, and this foreplay comes in the form of a clean house and a cooked meal and anything else you want him to do so you can feel rested, sexy, and content. I’m sure if you explain it all this way, he’ll even agree to wear the male equivalent of lingerie: an apron.
What do you think about trading sex for housework? Leave a comment.
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Tags: housework
July 9th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Men doing housework is porn for women as far as I’m concerned. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my husband do something around the house. Mowing the lawn excluded. He’s gotta be sweeping or doing dishes or wiping the counters. Man, it doesn’t take much but it does take something. If I could count on him to clean the kitchen everynight after dinner while I am putting tht ekids to bed and come downstairs to see a clean kitchen – life would be much happier for all concerned I think. He hasn’t caught on yet though.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Too cute! I have to say I’m lucky enough to have a bf who actually enjoys a clean house as much as I do. When he moved in he took over laundry duty (he actually separates colors – I just toss them all in!) and we easily settled into a routine with the dishes too; if I cook (which is the usual) he cleans, if he cooks, I clean.
I’m also the bigger sex freak of the two so if bribing were to be done it would be him bribing me lol….
July 9th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Alisa, you’re absolutely right that it isn’t a bribe. It’s a gift. Otherwise, we could consider dining out, jewelry, and many other items bribes for women to have sex with men. The key word you used here is “happiness.” When both partners are happy and getting their needs met the relationship works. So trade away!
July 9th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@Melodie: “Men doing housework is porn for women as far as I’m concerned.” HAHAHA This is the best quote ever. Wonderful. I love it, and will keep this in mind. One of the best resources for understanding between partners that I’ve ever come across is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It’s not just about male/female differences, this book takes it to a next level. By knowing which primary love language your partner speaks (chances are it’s different than your own), you can then love your partner in a way that he/she understands and really feels it. One of my own primary love languages is Quality Time, while hers is Acts of Service. It’s not natural for me to do certain little things around the house, and sometimes I feel like I don’t get the full credit for the things I do, but I know that they really mean a huge amount to her. So I keep doing them, with all the love and joy I have for her. And gosh, do I get the love back from her, tenfold.
@Alisa Thank you for this great post. I now look forward to your blog articles every day. (no pressure). I had no idea that men wearing an apron was the male equivalent of lingerie. I’m not an experienced cook, but I am willing to give it a shot and wear an apron for my lady. Maybe I’ll just wear it as I clean up around the kitchen. Or maybe I should take to wearing one while sitting on the couch.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Morriss–glad you like the site. I will try not to disappoint!
July 9th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Not fair! I totally wish I could use sex as a bribe. I’m more passionate than he is in that area. Any other suggestions for bribes to get him to pick up after himself?
July 10th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Actually, I need some advice from a whole other perspective.
My wife suffers from degenerative joint disease and sever arthritis. She’s in constant pain, can’t sleep well, can’[t go for a long walk – it all sucks big time.
I WANT to do everything, but she won’t let me do some things. I’m allowed to dust, wash floors, windows, load/unload the dishwasher, take out the trash, but she won’t let me vacuum or prepare food.
OK, I’m not a good cook, but I’ll never learn if she won’t let me screw up and certainly I can make the simple things we eat most of the time. Yeah, she can do it “better” but again – practice makes perfect.
Vacuuming? She’s afraid I’ll bang into furniture. OK, yes, I’m much more of a klutz than she is. I try to be careful but I’m clumsy and it has happened. Once again, I’d get better if she’d just let me do it!
She also complains about some of the work I do. I don’t see well (coke bottle glasses) and honestly, I’m just not a detail person. She’s Eagle Eye and notices EVERYTHING
So I might miss a streak on a window or not even notice a spill on the front of the fridge. I’ll fix it if it’s pointed out, but this just makes her feel like she has to do it herself.
I admit I have some of the “Sheesh – it’s good enough!” attitude. She’ll admit she has some of “There is no such thing as good enough” in her.
Obviously we both need to move toward each other. I really do try: every morning, before she gets up, I look around the house for stuff I can clean, neaten, whatever. But I miss things.
OK, I’m rambling. I’m sure you get the idea. This hubby really wants to do more and can’t.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Tony–sometimes I think we end up with our partners so we can learn something, but what we have to learn is not always clear. This is why a pleaser like you ends up with someone who won’t let her man please her and women who really want their men to do exactly what you are doing end up with men who don’t. It seems cruel, but somehow it all forces us to grow. That’s the glass half full look at it, anyway.
Perhaps you and your wife could sit down and have a problem solving discussion about it. It seems you are both really set on your solutions. Yours is doing the housework, even if it doesn’t meet specifications. Hers is doing it, because she doesn’t think you do it right. But maybe there are other options that could make you both happy. Perhaps you could hire someone with good vision to come in once a month and do the two things she’s really particular about. Or maybe she follows you around as you dust, pointing out all of the spots that you missed. Maybe you get one of those vacuums that is self propelled (I forget what those things are called… the little vacuum bots). I’m not saying my suggestions here are best. I’m only saying that you might brainstorm a bit. There are lots of other possibilities to solving this problem. Perhaps some other solution will work.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Oh, we do. And we’ve made progress. I can make the bed in the morning now. I can’t do it after washing the sheets, but I can do the remake
Those vacuum bots aren’t even good enough to meet my low expectations.
I just so want to take work away from her. Maybe part of it is that she doesn’t want to feel useless – I get that. I just hate seeing her hurting
July 10th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Kat–I think it’s a matter of him 1) realizing that you really need a clean/orderly house in order to be happy 2) remembering to do it (especially if it’s not a priority for him). Assuming you’ve already spoken your voice (he knows you need it to be happy already… for the millionth time!), then I would suggest these strategies:
* Clean the house together. Pick an actual cleaning day and cleaning hour where the two of you will JUST CLEAN. That way there’s no “why didn’t you do this yet?” because it’s not about individual tasks as much as it’s about holding to the cleaning date in general. Before each date you can talk about what most needs to be done and talk about who will do what.
* Make him happy in some other way. So it’s not sex, but maybe, hum, every time he picks up after himself you agree to do something else that you think is silly. You’ll have to brainstorm this, as I don’t know your man.
* Direct him over and over. Example: Hey, can you get that banana peel off the floor? Hey, can you take all those beer bottles out? Hey, can you….
* Compromise. Allow him to keep some rooms messy, but not others (whichever others are most important to you to have clean)
Most important: thank him. Those small “thank you for taking out the trash” sentences go a really long way. So do hugs and smiles. In the end, he just wants to know you appreciate him, whether that comes in the form of sex or something else.
July 10th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Sex isn’t a commodity that should be bargained for/with. Well, unless you want to end up in divorce court. This sounds like terrible advice.
July 10th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Then there are guys like me who prefer to have the clean house AND really enjoy an active sex life. So, I’m left doing most of the housework as well as wondering what it is that’s going to get my wife in the mood. I acknowledge that the stereotype of the lazy husband versus the homemaker wife is founded in no little amount of truth, but there are frustrations on the other end of things as well.
The tone of this article also gives the impression that women don’t desire sex for the sake of sex. Libido is generally a lot higher in men than women, yes, but the perception here is that it’s more of a tool (or a negotiable commodity) than a physical manifestation of the love extant in a healthy relationship.
Consciously “trading” sex for housework belittles it, in my opinion.
July 10th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Personally I think sex for housework is a great idea. Think about it. The wife is happy because everything is clean, the husband is happy because he got some action. EVERYONE is happy. It’s a WIN WIN scenario.
July 10th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Coheed and Simon are right on.
Sex as payment for work … terrible plan. How about sitting down and discussing expectations with each other like adults? How about a sharing of duties?
Commenter Melodie takes it a leap further and explicitly devalues her husband’s effort in yard care. Why is it that when men do work outside the house it doesn’t count? Strike that … it shouldn’t have to count. It grates on my nerves a bit because I was in the position of having my outside-the-house work effort ignored a while back in my relationship. My wife was not so destructive as to withhold love and companionship from me as a result, but it was clear through her words that she simply was not recognizing the effort. So we talked about it. Like adults.
The fact of the matter is that work is work, wherever it occurs. Recognize and appreciate the effort that goes into it. And if you feel that sex should be a bartered commodity … I would be heartily surprised if your abusive relationship lasts a long time, and you already know what women who commoditize sex are called.
July 10th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
There is nothing wrong with doing what you know will motivate someone to do what needs to be done. All relationships – and all of life, for that matter – are an exercise in manipulation. It seems that word has an unwarranted negative connotation. It isn’t the manipulation itself that is negative, it is the intent behind it. If you have malicious intent, manipulating someone is bad. Motivating someone into doing something that needs to be done – even if it is something they SHOULD take the initiative to do on their own – isn’t malicious.
July 10th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
First off, I felt like I had traveled back to the ’50s while reading this. Everything I visualized looked like a Norman Rockwell painting. Like Simon said, the article assumes that women don’t have a sex drive – that having sex is the female equivalent of doing chores, while doing actual chores brings immense pleasure and possible clitoral stimulation. This should not be the case in any marriage and if it is, you should go find a divorce lawyer. What a terrible case for mutualism in a relationship. Trading sex for housework makes you a whore and your husband a john.
It’s 2009. If you look at sex with your partner as a chore or something you have to “gift” to him/her, end your relationship immediately.
July 10th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
What you are describing is called casual prostitution
July 10th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
@Alysson Are you kidding me? There’s “nothing wrong” with using sex as a weapon in a committed relationship? It makes me sick to my stomach to realize that a large portion of the female population thinks this way. Let’s break it down. We’re in a relationship, you and I. You want me to do the dishes after dinner. One night, we finish eating and I do the dishes. As a “reward” you have sex with me that night, as part of some demented Pavlonian scheme to teach me that doing the dishes results in me getting laid. You seem to think that this “motivation” promotes a healthy relationship. Lets flip it around. We’re in a relationship again, and this time I want you to give me head. So every time we’re in bed and you go downtown, I put $50 on your nightstand while you’re asleep. Would you consider this to be A.) healthy mutualism in our relationship or B.) prostitution?
July 10th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I forgot to add, there’s nothing wrong with prostitution, don’t take me the wrong way.
July 10th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Oh geez, no we’re not going back to the 50s. In the 50s women did all of the housework and rarely orgasmed (some did if they were lucky enough to marry a man who knew how to give them one). Today, both spouses are working (generally), but women (generally) are stil doing most of the housework.
Now, Dangger Dys and Simon, I know this probably never happens in your house because you all sound like ideal gentlemen, but in many households, the woman (or man if the roles are reversed) repeatedly asks her hubby to do any number of household chores and he repeatedly puts it at the bottom of his to-do list. I’ve done posts in the past about how to have a conversation about housework, so I’m not going to go into that here. The point is that it’s just not happening.
Again, I realize what I will write next probably also doesn’t happen in your home. The woman has a lower sex drive than her husband, so he’s often initiating when she’s really not in the mood. Should she always turn him down, even if she’s honestly only in the mood once a month when he’s in the mood every day? Or should she pleasure him every once in a while, even if she wants nothing in return? Many women do and they refer to it (when you men are not around) as taking one for the team. Again, I’m sure your wife or girlfriend is always in the mood and never takes one for the team because she just doesn’t have to. That’s what it sounds like from your comments. All I’m saying here is that marriage and relationships are about happiness. If she does what he needs to be happy, he’s more likely to want to reciprocate. It’s basic human nature.
July 10th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
You’re a chore whore.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I’m picking up the sarcasm. If she’s not in the mood when I am, then we’re on different wavelengths with regards to a really important aspect of a relationship and we’re probably not right for each other. And as far as her “taking one for the team,” I’d rather just not do it – there’s nothing worse than sex that seems forced. There’s no need for it.
More importantly, you are a misogynist.
The implication of your comments is that women are fundamentally different from men, rather than equals. Womens’ rights have evolved in great ways over the past century based on the premise that people are created equally regardless of creed, race or sex. Women have gained suffrage, roles in the workspace, in politics and many other areas of life and society. As you mentioned, this equality has translated into relationships and households. Both spouses work, discuss politics and have input in household decisions and child rearing.
Your viewpoint that women (generally) have a lower sex drive and (generally) do more housework is furthering stereotypes. It has been my experience that lots of women my age have libidos that match or exceed those of men I know. On the same note, I know plenty of females who care less about housework and the cleanliness of their residence than the males they live with.
Let’s look at an hypothetical analogy. An African-American writes a blog about racial issues. He writes a post about the education of black youths in America. Instead of taking the angle that more black kids should go to college, he says that business should hire more young African-Americans without degrees because that demographic is (generally) less-inclined to attend college.
Progress is a function of breaking stereotypes, not furthering them.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Been there-done that!
I’ve been married for 16 years and have sex just about every day. I do dishes half the time, clean the house once in a while, but the one consistent thing is we spend face time together and I listen to what she says. She’s happy and gives me sex. It really does work! Lately though she’s been depressed because her mother is dying. That’s sad. At least she doesn’t have to worry about a messy house.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Alisa,
Thanks so much for those suggestions. I will certainly do what I can to put those into action. I especially like agreeing to do something silly, know my man or not that probably hit the nail on the head. Something about making me do something outside of my comfort zone makes him happy, I will talk it over with him tonight.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Also, I just wanted to say, that I didn’t read half of those things in the comments into this post. I am woman, I have the higher sex drive in my relationship and I don’t feel like this article is sexist or degraded me. I suggest if you saw those things, take a moment, read it again. Alisa is suggesting discussion and compromise, not prostitution. Assuming that’s what she means is the most disgusting thing I’ve read.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I think you’re off your frigging nut here. That you are actually discussing the notion of trading sex for housework is an indication that you’ve lost connection with what’s important in a human life. To re-brand your proposed transaction in the name of “happiness” is a sad sophistry.
If you aren’t having as much fun in bed as your partner, you’ve got more problems than a dirty sink.
I’m all in favor of compromise in the division of labor. Both people should share in the duties necessary to maintain the home. But the notion that sex is a currency in the relationship is harmful to the relationship.
July 11th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Thanks for the reply Alisa, I didn’t say I was a gentleman, I was merely pointing out for theoretical clarity and I never said it was a bad thing. It is clearly working out for you, who are we to say it shouldn’t be that way? I would just handle the situation with precaution because it seems to me a little precarious and it can backfire anytime.
July 11th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I’m not even sure how I found this but after I read this article and all the comments I’m left thinking that ‘to each their own’ If you don’t have these problems then this article isn’t for you.
To me, it resonated because I’ve been discussing my issue with my husband like an adult for what feels like forever. My concerns go in one ear and out the other. He just hates to clean or sees nothing wrong with the mess. I have to beg & plead just to get him to clean up his crap. I am not his maid or his mother and I will not deal with his stuff. It shouldn’t be my responsibility. He should be an adult and clean up after himself.
My libido was awesome and the dirty house didn’t bother me BEFORE we had our son. Now that he is here I need to make sure this place is a safe environment for him. Now, I feel like a single mother because my husband works probably 80 hours a week and does nothing but work. The LAST thing I want to do is have sex because on top of my working full time I am a mother full time. My husband rarely does anything for our son. If I saw my husband lift a finger and do something around here on his own free will then I might be more inclined to ‘give’ him sex because I would have on less thing to do and thus more time to focus on us. The situation I’m in has nothing to do with withholding sex on purpose but more about finding the time to relax & feel sexy enough to want to have sex. So yes, if my husband did some chores without my having to remind him all the time I would ‘reward’ him (and myself) with sex. But if I have to do everything then there isn’t time to play and he needs to ‘deal with it’.
July 12th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I agree with Dangger to a point, but Alisa is not suggesting prostitution by any means.
It’s a modern twist on give and take. I like the fact that she pointed out that indeed in the 50’s, women rarely climaxed, plus there was the issue of the shows. I for one, despise Leave it to Beaver. That is the extreme of what is being presented. I am also a working woman and I honestly think that this makes a whole bunch of sense. It’s not a bribe and no, we’re not chore whores as someone mentioned. We are negotiating. We do it in the business world and let me tell you, some of you would be offended by the cultural layers still out there concerning the work force. There are different ways to show love and devotion. If two consenting adults need a solution and the talks aren’t working, then by all means, try something different. The definition of insanity is and I quote, ” Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.”
July 13th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Alisa is presenting the issues of housework and sex as separate but related, in that it isn’t easy for many women (usually) who are overwhelmed with childcare and keeping a clean house to get into the headspace where they will want to have sex. It’s also not wrong, misogynist or a promotion of stereotypes to say that women on average do more housework and have lower sex drives. Those are FACTS, so don’t hate.
Yes, both partners should be doing an equal share of the housework, and sex should be something that is important and enjoyable for them both. This view is not incompatible with anything in the article.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:53 am
My dear hubby used to everything in the house before we had kids; now we have 3 boys all under 4 that are when he won’t help. I work & go to school full time, still when I get home I have to take care of the kids, cooking, laundry, paying the bills and all. 2 weeks ago I asked to please do the laundry so I can go to bed in decent time (go to bed @ 0100AM to wake @ 0600AM) yet, he did not do it.. We have not say a word to each other since unless it has to do with the kids (get milk, did you feed him.. etc).. I don’t think he could care less about me. we have been married for 7 years, but I am already thinking of divorce… I sure do want more sex, but I am just too tired to be in the mood, and the fact is his attitudes toward my feeling turn me off… I am afraid I will file for divorce in a very near future….
PS.I don’t believe in divorce… but a marriage takes two
August 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Okay, men, you really seem to be missing the point on this completely. You see it as trading sex for housework. It’s really not that simple. Men and women are fundamentally different, not just in the way that we think, but also physically and medically. Being different doesn’t mean one is better than the other. It means exactly that different. Difference #1 men have sex to show and feel loved, women have sex once they already feel loved. For us, sex starts outside the bedroom. No, it’s not about the physical act for us or the orgasm. “If you aren’t having as much fun in bed as your partner, you’ve got more problems than a dirty sink.” Yeah, it’s not specifically about the dirty sink, it’s the principle of it. I don’t have to love some one or feel loved to have fun in the bed. It’s not about fun, it’s about love and respect.
Here’s the down and dirty of the situation. I didn’t make the mess in the house by myself; therefore, I shouldn’t be the only one cleaning it up. I didn’t make these kids by myself; therefore, I shouldn’t be the only one taking care of them. BTW, if you are taking care of your own kids, it’s not called “watching the kids” or “babysitting” ” for your wife” it’s called parenting so shut up and be a parent.
I work outside the home. I work just as much as my husband if not more. I also make more money. Yet, some (most) men don’t see it that way. A clean house makes me feel relaxed. A dirty one makes me angry. If you don’t do your share, then you don’t respect my feelings. That really doesn’t make me want to jump in the sack with you. Second, if you don’t do your share around the house, that means I have to spend more of my time cleaning up. That means that you think that your time is more valuable than mine. I would love to sit around and play with the kids, watch t.v. or play on the internet more, have lunch more often with the girls, but if you don’t do your share, I can’t. These recreational things make me happy, if I don’t have time to do them, then that tells me that you don’t care about my happiness. Again, I don’t want to have sex. “trading sex for housework is an indication that you’ve lost connection with what’s important in a human life. To re-brand your proposed transaction in the name of ‘happiness’ is a sad sophistry.” It’s not about trading housework for sex. It’s about being loved and respected before I get in the bed the man, and I won’t settle for less.
“If she’s not in the mood when I am, then we’re on different wavelengths with regards to a really important aspect of a relationship and we’re probably not right for each other.” What planet are you on? If every one thought that way, then marriage wouldn’t even exist because no one would be right for each other. You feel horny, so that means I should, too? WTF? When did my mood have to mirror yours in order to be right for each other? Maybe you aren’t as forward thinking as your ego tells you that you are. People are individuals and therefore different. It is outrageous to expect that a woman would always be in the mood for sex when you are. I’m not always in the mood for Chinese when my husband is, and to expect me to be is not only ridiculous, but stupid on your part. That’s very 1950’s thinking, because I can guarantee without a doubt, unless your woman is a blow up doll or prostitute, she’s not always going to be in the mood when you are because she’s not you. This is where taking one for the team comes in. The team is the marriage. I eat mexican when I’m really not in the mood. I do it to make my husband happy. I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy it, I just wasn’t in the mood for it. Just because I’m not in the mood for sex, doesn’t mean the sex was bad, it may have been really good, but I just wasn’t in the mood for it.
Yard work would count for a whole lot more if you had to do it every day. Laundry is much more tedious and time consuming than yard work. I would trade all the laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming, cooking, mopping, and picking up for that portion of a day’s worth of yard work every week.
August 24th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Just for you dys. because I’m sure you’ll misconstrue the previous comment.
My man doesn’t have to be perfect all of the time. If he’s having a rough week at work, then I’ll pick up his slack around the house. I also expect the same in return. It actually only gets to this point when we (women and a few men) repeatedly ask, beg, plead, bargain, yell, threaten, get creative, and still don’t get any help around the house. You know, we’re doing it all like June Cleaver. I’m no Betty house B*^ch. I’m not your momma, your maid, or your trophy wife. Unless those hands are broken, you’d better teach them clean.
August 31st, 2009 at 8:38 am
Can that trade off be reversed?
When, as in my case, both work a lot but it’s the man that has more of an inclination to do the house work, can the man “incentivise” his lady with some sexy time?
Just doesn’t seem congruous
August 31st, 2009 at 9:26 am
Funny, I thought people had sex because they wanted to? Because they fancy/ love each other, because that wee twinkle in your eye sets of a spark!
How old fashioned of me.
Also I’d like to know what happens if your lucky enough to afford a cleaner to do the housework for you?
August 31st, 2009 at 9:58 pm
A cautionary tale (4 mins long) about the perils of leaving the vacuuming to your wife…http://is.gd/2IyOp
October 10th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Honestly this is the most assine thing I’ve ever heard. If your man can’t pick up after himself and pull his own weight then you shouldn’t have to bribe him. Second, if he actually is dumb enough not realize he is being bribed and desperate enough to actually enjoy bribe sex or commerce sex then that’s terrible and will cause resentment in the relationship eventually. Sex should be independent and exclusive of chores. Additionally, I would point out that men are not always the lazy ones and the image of them being so is total stereotype and one that is insulting. If your man is like that, then you need to deep six that one and get a real man that can pull his own weight for gods sakes or you are always going to be selling him sex for chore work. I work with all women and am married to one (all are younger than 36 so there is some sort of generational thing maybe) and all of them are lazy to varying degrees. My wife is a stay at home mom of two children and is apparently incapable of keeping a 900 square foot home clean. Seriously, its a health code violation. I work 50 hours a week and then come home and have to wash out a cup so I can get a drink of water. Its horrible. The truly sad thing is that “modern” women have some idea that this laziness is a declaration of their independence, but really it just makes them seem more helpless and pathetic. Things have come to a head at my house due to my situation. And if you cruise the chatrooms you will find hundreds of other men in the same boat. I would have no problem doing housework and helping out, but under the arrangement we have, she is supposed to take care of the majority of it, considering she is home alone for 6 hours a day at least when the kids are in school. Its patently ridiculous really that I do any besides picking up after myself, which I will point out, I have always done because I was raised right. Sorry for venting but posts like this just really really get to me in light of all that…
October 10th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Get it off your chest Bob. I’m with you… my missus can’t even work the vacuum cleaner
October 25th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
We found your idea of housework as foreplay today while researching ways to appreciate each other in a relationship. We’ve included a link to you on our blog post today. Thanks for the great insight.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I think this sex for chores is sad. Why has this co to be in marriage. Pointing fingers won’t help.
The love between two people should be so natural. This coming from a man who is married for 24 years now. I find that trading sex for anything is a lose-lose situation. “Every kiss begins with K ” a commercial on TV tells us we buy a diamond or jewelry for your wife will get you sex. #3000 for a 1/2 hour or 2 hours is so stupid. I like, and my wife can tell when the time is right. All day romancing is more fun and appealing than anything. Don’t subscribe to the sex for chores idea. If you really love each other , you will help out and do a great job.
January 27th, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Some of you people honestly need to just chill out here. Alisa’s words perfectly described my wife and I’s relationship, and just about every other married couple I know. Woman and men are different! Get over it already!
Hit up the feminist blogs if you feel that’s the way life really is, or ought to be. The fact of the matter for most of us is that woman and men are different, and Alisa’s a realist who gives good advice on the basics of a good relationship.
Take the sex out of this discussion and use any other issue that would bring happiness to your or your partner. I’m sure you could easily think of something that your partner sees as more important to you, but you do that activity with them because you know it makes them happy. This concept of sex for housework is just a simple example of giving your partner attention in one area to make them happy, and them reciprocating in another area to make you happy. Behaviors like that, whether they be about sex or watching the superbowl are just examples of how people can have better relationships through mutual enjoyment of each other.