She hates when he initiates sex
Q: Whenever my husband holds my hand, cuddles, or touches me in any way, I feel uncomfortable. Every time he touches me, it seems like he wants sex. I might be watching a TV program and he will start rubbing my arm, my chest, my legs, my back… whatever. I just want to watch TV! I feel like I get trapped in a sex romp whenever he touches me and now I recoil whenever he comes near me. Help!—Cold Fish.
Dear Cold Fish,
You can completely solve this problem with some communication. First, though, you need to be able to see things from his perspective. He’s trying very hard to be a good husband. He doesn’t want to come out and say, “Honey, I’ve got a boner the size of the Empire State Building and I really would like you to give me a blow job,” because he thinks that you would find that statement crude and off putting. He’s probably also read that women need a lot of foreplay to get in the mood. Holding your hand and gently rubbing your arm, chest, legs, and back? He thinks that’s foreplay.
He’s truly mystified when you turn him down because he thinks he’s doing everything right. In fact, whenever you turn him down, it bruises his ego. He thinks, “She’s not attracted to me” or “I suck in bed” or “she thinks I’m fat” (okay, that last one is probably just me projecting). In reality, all you really want is to watch Law & Order without his hand up your shirt.
To solve your problem, sit him down and have a talk. Do this during a time when he is not attempting to give you the pat down. Tell him that you crave his romantic gestures (if true). You want him to hold your hand. You want to snuggle with him as you watch TV. You even might like an ass pinch every so often (if true), but you want him to do these things because he loves you and wants you to feel good. You don’t want him to do them to communicate his desire for sex.
To help him understand why, finish this sentence:
Honey, when you touch me to communicate your desire to have sex with me, I feel________. (Examples: cheap, threatened, stressed out, like a piece of meat, under appreciated, trapped.)
Then, get solution focused. There are at least three possible solutions to your problem. They are:
Solution 1: You always initiate and he never initiates. Agree on a sexual frequency that you can both live with. This will probably be slightly more often than you are comfortable with and slightly less often than he is comfortable with. Let’s say you decide to have sex twice a week. Then two times every week, you must suggest sex. He’s never allowed to initiate with this solution. That way, whenever he touches you, you know he’s just touching you because he loves you and not because he has a boner the size of the Empire State Building.
Solution 2: You schedule sex. Agree ahead of time how often and when you will have sex. Then neither one of you initiates. You just stick to the schedule.
Solution 3: You teach him when and how to initiate sex. Give him a blueprint to follow. Maybe you want him to tell you about the size of his boner. Maybe you’d like to give him coupons that he can cash in. Maybe you’d like to take a bath together. Also, let him know about good times and bad times to do it. You might explain that you never want him to initiate when you are doing any number of things, such as watching certain TV programs, because that’s like you asking him to wash the dishes while he’s watching Monday Night Football (or whatever it is that he likes to watch without interruption).
Do you have advice for Cold Fish? Do you have additional solutions to suggest? Leave a comment.
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Tags: sex
July 13th, 2009 at 10:14 am
You know, I think the first time I’ve read that we should have sex more often than we’re comfortable with is on your blog.
I don’t know how fair it is to either person in the relationship. I would feel awful if my partner was just letting me use him for sex because I feel like it and even though he does not. And I would feel uncomfortable and perhaps eventually resent him if I had to have sex when I don’t want to.
It’s fine to say No. You can have a healthy relationship without sex.
As to what the “pro-sex” partner should do to handle her/his high sex drive, I’m stumped. Perhaps s/he could be allowed to have sex with others. Perhaps not and if the relationship is strong enough, that partner will understand and not have that big a problem with the other’s lack of interest in sex.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Lady, the only way you can have a healthy relationship without sex is if neither party ever wants it, or if the one who does can get it elsewhere AND is into that. Sex is a basic drive no matter how understanding a person is.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Of course it’s okay to turn down your spouses advances sometimes. What I’m writing about here is when it starts to happen nearly all the time and other factors (beyond being or not being in the mood) start to come into play. If a woman feels stressed just by the way her husband initiates, there’s a way to solve that problem. If she’s not in the mood because she’s stressed or tired, there are ways to solve that. So it’s not necessarily about forcing oneself to have sex when one doesn’t want to. It’s about solving the problems that are getting in the way of a healthy sex life. I offer some solutions here, but there are probably many others. For instance, my husband would, in an ideal world, like to have sex every other day. Me? That’s not my ideal world. But I love my husband and would love to be in the mood that often, so I’m currently trying to come up with ways to make that happen. I’m thinking about how to relax more, create more time during my day, etc. So that’s all I’m saying here. With creativity and communication, make of these compatibility issues can really be solved. It doesn’t have to be a battle.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I believe that a healthy, happy relationship simply cannot be sustained without sex. Sex is a major part of any good relationships. Sure, A TON of things can be just as great as sex, (kissing, touching, sharing housework, home projects–there’s a lot of ways to foster your bond together) but you still need the sex. It is a natural part of our makeup.
I once heard somewhere that what is, or what isn’t, going on in the bedroom between two people is an outright reflection of what is, or isn’t, going on in the relationship.
And I’ve always believed that to be true.
I think too many times women, and men too, use sex as a “tool,” to get what they want, don’t want or make deals. I agree with Alisa’s post from last week about “trading” sex for housework or vice-versa, I mean…you get something, he gets something, you know. But in all seriousness, even my less sexually driven female friends agree that you have to have sex in a relationship–otherwise, the whole relationship can get be boring, nitpicky and just like roomates kind of. Sex is the ONLY thing you do with your partner (spouse) that you do not do with everyone else–think about that.
I also agree with scheduling sex, even if you don’t have kids, life will get in the way of sex–jobs, tiredness, family, TV, etc, etc. A lot of women would love it if their husbands cuddled with them, or kissed them, or massaged them–to the woman in this particular story, you are the envy of many women I know! However, what works for one couple will not always work for another. I agree with Alisa’s suggestions, but I also agree that once in a while, it is okay to say no.
We always have a right to say no, even within the context of a relationship. It’s just that if you find yourself saying “no,” way more often than you’re saying “yes,” well, then, I think there’s a problem.
Best of luck and I hope it all works out!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
July 13th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Cold Fish,
I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I have the exact identical problem and have been searching desperately for a solution. We have tried the “I always initiate, he never initiates” idea, which seemed great, but did not work out particularly well for us in practice.
I still don’t have any answers (I wish I could tell you I did), but I am so glad that someone else out there feels the same way I do. It can be very frustrating to think you’re the only one feeling the way you do – especially when all your friends seem to be sex addicts with their spouses.
Thanks for the blog post.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
No advice for her, but for him:
Do you ever cuddle, kiss, be affectionate WITHOUT wanting sex? If not, maybe it’s time to be doing some of that so she knows that you just plain love her and she’s not just a sex object.
That really should come naturally, but I guess it doesn’t for some. If it doesn’t for you, maybe you need to “fake it to make it”. Give her a big romantic smooch and walk away. Rub her butt as you pass by on your way to wash the car. Tell her she’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen and then go back to your book… you get the idea.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Tony–thanks for offering the male perspective!
July 14th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Think of yourself as lucky!!! I am sure he is not always looking for sex when he touches you, if he touches you THAT much, there is no way he could have that much sex. I am the opposite, I never get touched, I always have to initiate EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. I don’t even get a peck on the cheek once in a while. Why am I still with this guy, well we are not married, I don’t know what will happen in my future, but still it would be nice to have him touch me once in a while without me having to ask. I am the complete opposite, I know, I just wanted you to know things could be a lot different, and I just think he really loves you a lot.